"Do you realize that out of all the years we've known each other, we've never actually spent Christmas Eve together?" Billy mused as Portland buzzed outside the car windows.

"Mmhmm, there was the cabin," I recalled.

"Yeah, but that wasn't really Christmas," he corrected.

"It felt like Christmas, complete with an ungrateful child whining about presents."

"About you and Tim, can you not be in a fight anymore?" Billy didn't shift his eyes from the road, but the hopefulness of his words still came through.

"Oh, right..."

"You can't be mad at him forever," Billy continued as he parked the car and focused on me.

"Really? You, of all people, shouldn't test my commitment to irrational things, Billy."

"Well, at least you admit you're both being irrational. But seriously, Lil, he's our best friend. You can't stay mad at him forever," he continued before pulling himself out of the car.

"I know and about that..." I said over the roof as he paced around the front of the vehicle.

"I know you missed. I read some letters to him by accident and..."

"Billy," I broke in again.

"What?" Billy paused his rehearsed speech to focus on me.

"I may have had a minor panic attack on the way to work yesterday," I began.

"What? Are you okay? Why didn't you call me?" Billy set his hands on my shoulders so I couldn't hide from him.

"I called Timmy," I admitted.

A smile spread across his face. "You called Tim? Of course, you called Tim."

"I mean, of course, I called Timmy." I let a giggle out at how pleased he was.

"And..." Billy prodded.

"And he was Tim. He made fun of me, calmed me down, and got my head straight again."

"And you remembered no one cares about you, me, or us more than Tim?" Billy had an air of righteousness in his tone that I did not care for at all.

"Yes," I begrudgingly admitted.

"I can't believe he didn't tell me when I called yesterday," Billy murmured.

"He's my best friend too... best friend privileges." I shrugged.

"Best friend privileges." Billy sighed as he dropped his hand from my shoulders, letting one clutch my hand as we made our way inside the store.

I hung close to Billy as he chatted with the sales guy and looked over a couple of upright pianos. Occasionally, he would dip his face close to my ear to murmur a question or request an opinion, but I had little to add. I was happy just tucked by his side, and, for once, my mind didn't wonder what might happen.

"Any chance you could get this delivered before 5:30 pm tonight?" Billy asked as he took one last look at his selection.

"Sure thing." The sales guy's smile was a little too broad to be sincere.

"It's a secure building," I added. "When you get there, just ring unit 404 from the call box."

The sales guy made a note and gave Billy's hand a final shake before he sent us on our way.

"Where to?" Billy asked as he held the door for me.

"Home?" My voice squeaked, knowing we had other errands.

"Boxes, rolls, and a tree," Billy listed as a reminder. "And didn't you have some last-minute shopping?"

"Ah, I'm sure I have a purse I haven't touched for my sister and a bottle of something for my brother," I countered.

"That's the thoughtful gift-giving I expect from you," Billy teased as he pulled out of the parking lot.

"Mmhmm, I just want to be home now," I murmured.

"Hey." His hand slipped to my knee. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I just like being alone with you and..."

"Not looking forward to tonight?"

"Christmas Eve was always my favorite. I'd go over early and play cards with my dad. And at some point, he'd convince me to wrap all his presents for him."

"Okay, grocery store and then home. We'll hang out this afternoon."

"Thanks, Billy." I leaned in deeply into his side as he drove.

"Do you want roll duty in the grocery store or box duty at FedEx?" I asked as Billy pulled into the strip mall.

"Boxes, too many choices with rolls," he definitively spoke as though he had been expecting the question.

"Okay, I'll meet you back here," I whimpered as I pulled myself away from his warmth.

The grocery store was packed. I got one of the last hand carts before venturing into the masses. The rolls were pretty picked over, but I got a pack pushed far enough back to obscure them from view. As I headed to the checkout, I passed an end cap lined with bottles of champagne. It was the same bottle with the orange label that Billy always kept on hand. I smiled as I plucked up a bottle and continued to the checkout. Even the ten items or fewer line moved slowly, but eventually, I paid. I welcomed the brisk December air after the stifling atmosphere of the packed grocery store.

"Hey." Billy's face filled with a mischievous smile.

"What did you do?" I skeptically asked.

"Nothing I didn't promise," he announced as he popped the trunk to reveal a two-foot tree tucked inside.

"Oh my, that's the cutest thing I've ever seen," I laughed.

"Cuter than my dimples?" Billy's brow furrowed with the false offense.

"True, second cutest thing," I agreed. "I also got you something," I added as I pulled the bottle of champagne from my bag.

"Lily Turncott, are you trying to get me drunk?"

"Yes, desperately, yes." I nodded.

"Honestly, woman, I can't take you anywhere," he lamented as he closed the trunk with a thud.

"How many boxes did you get?" I asked as I slid into the car.

"Twenty-four," he answered as he pulled out of the parking spot.

"Hm, that should cover my shoes. We're going to have to discuss closet space," I murmured.

"I'm not worried. I suspect many of your things will fit perfectly in Viv's closet."

"Oh no, is she a clothes stealer?"

"And shoes, and bags, and jewelry... I think Sarah has a lock on her closet now," Billy laughed.

"Well, maybe if I let her steal my clothes, she'll like me better."

"Maybe; she already thinks you're a truth ninja," Billy shrugged.

"Is that a good thing?"

"I'm never certain with Viv, but currently, yes... I think." Billy pondered a bit more. "Lil, while I don't enjoy you and Tim arguing, I appreciate your defense. It might be misplaced because Tim is as much of my success as my talent is, but the sentiment is not lost on me."

"Everyone keeps telling me you've changed, that you're..." I cut off my words.

"Including me," he sympathized.

"I like when you talk to me. It makes me feel like you trust me," I acknowledged.

"What?" Shock rolled through Billy, and I could tell he desperately wanted to pull the car over, but we were only half a block away from my building.

"I feel like you think I can help. It always felt like you were shouldering everything before, so I never felt like you thought..."

"Lil, can you hold on?" Billy grunted as he pulled into the garage and parked.

We walked to my condo in silence while Billy firmly clutched my hand. I wanted to ask about what he was thinking. But I remained quiet.

"You're mad," I murmured once we shut the door behind us.

"Of course I'm mad," he shot as he paced to the window while one hand reached for his head and tugged on his hair.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."

He swiftly turned at my apology. "Lil, I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at me," he announced, as though it had been obvious all along. "I know I can be controlling at work, but I never intended to be that way with you."

"You weren't controlling," I offered.

"You felt like I was shouldering everything; that is controlling," I argued.

"Fine, was; it was controlling. You are different now. You are letting me in, telling me your worries and problems with the kids, Sarah, work. I don't feel that way anymore," I countered.

Billy slumped to the couch. "I try very hard to let the kids make mistakes. You have to," he mused. "It goes against my every instinct, but if I don't, what will happen when I'm not around?"

"I can see that. Everyone can see that," I soothed as I slipped beside him.

"I just can't seem to stop myself at the studio. I know it's ridiculous even to try to produce everything, let alone drive the materials, marketing, and everything."

"You are trying to extend your expertise." I looped my arm around him and could feel his lips sink to the top of my head for a moment.

"You frame it with love." Billy's body rose and then fell with a heavy sigh. "It's not just that I want to give everyone their best shot. When I don't have the kids, I feel..."

I pulled away to look him in the eyes.

"I missed you, Lil. You nourish something in me that is otherwise insatiable. Distracting myself with work was one way I tried to ignore it," he admitted. "I love Tim and Tess, but spending a decade watching them fall more and more in love with each other..."

"I'm sorry, Billy."

I dropped my head to his shoulder as my eyes pooled with tears. The depths of his loneliness throbbed deep into my bones.

"When I got here, and everything was so..." He glanced around as though the thought would complete itself.

"Sanitized?" I suggested.

Billy's gaze filled with curiosity as he looked at me. He reached up and gently pushed a tendril of hair behind my ear. "When my mother would think I wasn't paying attention, she would update Tess on you. Your meteoric rise in IT. It gave me validation that focusing on work was the right thing."

"Because that's what I was doing," I agreed.

"But then I wasn't here. I thought you had let go," he admitted.

"I didn't. I never did."

"I know," he soothed. "I get it now."

"I don't think you do. You know I missed you from the letters, but I couldn't share us," I explained.

"What do you mean?" Billy asked.

"I had to pack everything away that reminded me of you to protect us. I didn't want to have memories of dancing to Nina Simone unless it was in your arms. I didn't have a chocolate malt or an egg cream until I was back in your gaze. I haven't even watched an Orson Welles movie in a decade," I elaborated.

"You know I'd be back," I suggested.

"I hoped. I couldn't imagine a world where I wouldn't get to see you again; tell you I love you, even if it wasn't reciprocated. Sometimes, when I say I love you, I don't want to hear it back. I just want you to know that I love you deeply and irrevocably."

"I can't give that to you," he murmured.

"What?" Panic soared through me at the rejection.

"When you tell me you love me, I will have to tell you I love you as well, every time, no matter what is happening or where I am. I will always love you back."

I exhaled in relief. "I will learn to live with it, I suppose," I teased.

"I suppose you will," Billy agreed as he curled around me.