I woke up to Billy shifting me to his chest.

"What time is it?" I murmured in the haze of sleep.

"It's only a quarter of six," he whispered as he kissed the top of my head. "Go back to sleep."

"Mmhmm, I don't want to; this is better than my dream." I croaked as I curled further into his arms. "I love you always," I added as I fought the pull to fall back asleep.

"Just don't stop saying it; everything will be fine as long as we love each other." His words were absent, as though he were trying to convince himself as much as me; it plunged me deeper into my worry and pulled me further from sleep.

"Will you come in for lunch today?" I asked as my sleepiness faded from my voice.

"No, you should focus. If you're only physically there a few days a month, you should be fully there during that time. You don't need me hanging around."

His suggestion reminded me of my distraction by Duluth the day prior. "What will you do?"

"I'll be fine. I was thinking of visiting your dad."

My mind spun to the cemetery, but I couldn't let it linger there. "The office is only open a half-day tomorrow for Christmas Eve; I could go with you after work." I hoped he couldn't hear the reluctance in my voice.

"Mmhmm." he brushed my hair from my face. "I'd like to go alone at first; say my goodbyes. Is that okay?"

"Of course, you had a relationship with him, too. I just want you to know I'm here if you need me."

"I know that, Lil." He pulled me up to his chest more and kissed the top of my head.

"You want to drop me off again so you can have the car?"

"Sounds good. I need to stop at the hardware store to get supplies to fix the dishwasher and the tub, anyway. Text me when you want me to pick you up."

I kissed his cheek and pulled myself up to head to the shower. As the water poured over me, my mind clung to the years of being disconnected from Billy. We were always so close, but never entirely on the same page. After all these years, I was in his shoes, desperately reaching to connect with him but never quite grasping him. Suddenly, all the torment in his music felt even more painful and honest.

Billy didn't look up from the paper when I entered the main room. I convinced myself that the carpet muted my footfalls. I slid my arms around him and rested my head on his shoulder as I sucked in his musk. "Hi," I whispered.

"Hi." His voice came like the low rumble of a motorcycle as I lifted my face to meet his hazel eyes.

"Hi," I said again as the flecks of green and gold hypnotized me.

His forehead slipped to mine as he murmured, "too many greetings, Lil."

"Greetings are so much better than goodbyes. There are never too many."

"Fair enough." He lifted his lips to my forehead.

"I love you, Billy Collins."

"I love you, Lily Turncott."

"Why does this feel hard?" I rested my head back on his shoulder.

"Because we grew up. As much as you make me feel like that kid just starting out again, I'm a dad, and business partner, and I have this side job as a musician."

"And I'm an executive at an IT company. Neither of us saw that coming," I laughed.

"I saw the success coming, but computers... yeah... no," he laughed as well.

"What are you afraid of?" I prodded.

Billy sucked in a heavy breath. "Same old, same old. You leaving me. Every good moment has a tinge of 'is this the last glimmer of happiness for us?' And every time we argue..." He sucked another nourishing breath. "I can't be honest with you because I'm afraid you'll leave."

I pulled away from him as my hands lifted to course over my hair.

"That's my move," Billy murmured.

"I'm turning into you, I suppose."

"Oh no, the world doesn't need two of me any more than it needs two of you," he warned.

"I need you to be honest with me all the time. I need to hear your thoughts, even if I don't like them." My words were coming urgently.

"I know. Trust me, I know. But there's something that stops me."

"What?"

"Fear, panic, the sickening sensation that you'll slip through my fingers again. Sometimes it just feels like you're an apparition that may fade away at any time."

"I'm here, Billy. Unless you ask me to leave, I'm not going anywhere."

"I hear you, Lil. I hear you say that, and I know you mean it. I've just spent so much of my life trying to prove intangible things to your ghost that I don't know what to do with the real you."

"Love me, Billy. All I want is your love." My voice cracked with an aching plea.

"I know," he soothed as he stood and pulled me into his arms. "I do love you, Lil. It just doesn't feel like enough."

"Billy," I pulled away and looked him straight into his eyes, "It's always been enough. You, your love, were never the problem." The tears pooled in my eyes; only the angle of my gaze up at his face stopped them from spilling over. "I couldn't let it in, but you have to know that I used it. Even over the last ten years, I have always used your love to keep me going. It was always you pushing me forward."

Billy cupped my face, inspecting it as he often did, reading my emotions before he pulled me back to his chest. "I know, Lil. I know,"

Billy held me in his arms as I sucked in breath after breath, trying to quell the onslaught of tears that were threatening.

"When you say it doesn't feel like enough, I hear I'm not enough. And I just can't. I don't even know how to process it. And I have to go to my stupid, meaningless job, and I'm going to be late..." I finally managed, but my voice wobbled.

Billy pulled me from him and steadied me with his hand on either side of my head. "I love you. I'll figure this out."

"We'll figure this out," but my voice was weak with resignation.

"We'll figure it out." His words came as strong as his lips against mine. He was resolving himself. We were now the leaky faucet or cracked tile that was the object of his focus. "Let me get the keys," he added after finally dropping his hands from me.

"No, I'd like to walk. It'll help me clear my head for the day." My words stumbled from the drunken haze of too many emotions.

As I left for work, I tried to push the thoughts of Billy from my mind, the loneliness of the years disjointed from him, the panic of being so close but not having him as my own. The quiet morning streets and the cold winter wind biting my face seemed to accent my mood, but I had to stifle the fear and panic to get through my day. I had to figure out how to diffuse the pain.

"Are you or Billy dying?" Tim answered after a single ring.

"No," my voice wobbled.

"Lil, I'm still furious. I need you to know that before..." He sighed. "What's wrong, Lilipop?"

"I broke him, Timmy. I broke him, and now we can't get him back together, and we're never going to work if he's broken, and it's all my fault. You're right; I'm the worst. I've ruined everything..." Tears poured from my eyes as I babbled.

"Okay, okay; slow the fuck down. First, I'm uncomfortable with you, of all people, saying I'm right. We both know I'm never right. It's part of my charm. I think of what to do, and then I do the opposite."

A small laugh blew over my phone.

"There it is. There's the laugh that means you haven't ruined all of life... just most of it."

"Timmy, seriously, he thinks I'm going to leave him. I don't know how to prove to him I'm not," I whined between sobs.

"Lil, there's only one way you can prove it to him. It's a very straightforward plan."

"Yeah?" My voice was pathetically weak.

"Yeah, it's a two-pronged approach. First, you stick around," he listed.

"I can do that," I agreed.

"Mmhmm, I know you can. And second, you stick around."

I sucked in a deep breath and let it out. "I stick around."

"You stick around, babe. You can do this."

"I have to; I said yes," I murmured.

"You said yes?"

"Oh, no." I suddenly realized what I had let slip.

"You said yes, like yes, yes?"

"Timmy, you have to act surprised when he tells you!"

"Of course, you said yes. We're going to be sisters!"

"What? Wait, Timmy... what?"

"Or siblings? Best friends-in-law? What am I here?" Timmy pondered.

"Sisters? Your go-to was sisters?" I laughed as the tears started to dry on my cheeks.

"Hey, I was excited; words just came out."

"Tim, you're the best; that's what you are."

"Mmhmm, not what you said last weekend." Tim's voice was filling with annoyance.

"I know. I was panicking about the holidays without my dad and the cracks between Billy and me. I shouldn't have taken it out on you. It just feels like..."

"Okay, hold on. Lil, how are you? Seriously, stop thinking about Billy. How are you? Your dad just passed. Take a beat, Lilipop."

"I don't think I'm okay, Timmy. I feel like I'm falling and can't grab onto anything. Billy is there, but he doesn't feel like he's there. My dad is gone. You and I are fighting."

"Okay, we're not fighting anymore, Lil. I love you. You can grab onto me," Tim's voice came softly.

"I love you so much, Timmy. You have no idea how often I wanted to call you over the years to talk, cry, scream..."

"Why didn't you, Lil? That's why I got mad. You ditched me. Billy and Mary had your dad, and I had nothing. I lost one of my best friends."

"I know. I didn't want to put you in a weird position, and then the days were weeks, months, and years. And... I was afraid," I admitted.

"You were afraid of me?" Hurt filled Timmy's voice.

"Yeah, I was afraid you wouldn't take my calls... or worse, would tell me not to call."

"Oh, Lil, no one loves Billy more than I do, but I'll always take your calls. Even when we're fighting."

"I know, but..." I couldn't ask him; I needed him too much.

Tim exhaled over the receiver. "Why didn't I call?" Tim finished for me. "I tried, Lil. I even went to Portland one time. I never told anyone. We had a show in Boston, and I drove up to Portland after."

"You did?"

"Yeah," he reluctantly admitted. "I couldn't remember where your condo was, but I knew your company. I was going to talk to you, but then I saw you..."

"What?"

"You were walking down the street with a guy. You looked happy, Lil. I didn't want to..."

It was my turn to finish his sentence. "Bother me."

"You were happy, Lil. That's what I wanted, Lil. That's still what I want," he offered.

"I wasn't happy, Timmy. Life without Billy and without you... I was lonely. I wrote letters," I admitted.

"What? I never got any letters," Tim declared.

"I never sent them. It started the day after I met Billy. I wrote him a letter. It wasn't for him; it was for me. So, I never sent it. Over the years, I wrote more letters, mostly to Billy, but there were a couple to Mary and Tess."

"Mary and Tess," Tim murmured.

"And you, Timmy. When I was really lonely, it wasn't Billy I missed the most. It was you. Friends fill a part of your heart that no one else can fill, and you're my best friend. We're sisters, after all."

"I'm going to hear about that for the rest of my life," Tim lamented.

"Yeah, most likely. But I have to admit to Billy that I told you we were engaged before he did."

"He won't hold it against you. Who do you think went ring shopping with him... three times?"

"You went all three times?" Surprise filled my voice. "Even this one?"

"Lil, I want my friends happy. Wait, you know about all three times?" Shock clouded Tim's voice.

"Yeah, Billy gave me the rings before we left for Maine."

"Lil, look, here's what you need to remember. You love Billy, and Billy loves you. Remember that when it gets hard or one of you is being unreasonable. Honestly, as someone that has been married for... well... forever, that's all that matters. Love him and stick around."

"Love him and stick around," I agreed. "Thanks, Timmy, you're the best."

"And Lil." Tim stopped me from saying my goodbye. "Show Billy the letters."

"What?" I asked.

"Trust me. It will help. Show him the letters."

"Okay," I stammered.

"I love you, Lil. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Timmy."

As the line went dead, I dropped my head to tuck my phone into my bag. When I looked up, the sun was just coming up from behind the buildings of my office's block. A breeze kicked up, causing some birds to flutter up into the sky. It was a serene moment and even the breeze didn't have its usual bit. It was soothing and almost warming. All at once, I felt less lonely.