❝and i know that somewhere inside of that cold, lifeless exterior, there's an actual human soul.❞

-stiles stilinski, teen wolf

♛

I JOLT AWAKE THE instant the screams leave Charlotte's mouth, frightened by the sudden loudness replacing the silence. My head snaps up so quickly I crack my neck and rub it, wincing at the pain.

Charlotte is thrashing around, her feet almost kicking my face. "No!" she yells in a shrill voice, and the amount of pain in it breaks my heart.

Bellamy is awake now, too. He is the first to react, reaching across and shaking the girl awake. "Charlotte, wake up."

Her brown eyes snap open the instant he jostles her. Upon noticing she disturbed our sleep, she sighs guiltily and looks away from us, avoiding our questioning gazes.

"Hey, are you okay?" I ask gently, putting a hand on her arm. Her fingers are trembling.

"I'm sorry," she apologizes, voice shaking.

"Does it happen often?" Bellamy questions. He seems so much more human when he's dealing with her and it makes my heart swell to twice its size. Charlotte only sighs again in response. "What are you scared of?"

She doesn't respond.

"You know what?" Bellamy says after a pause. "It doesn't matter."

Confused by the route he's taking, I open my mouth and whisper, "Bellamy-"

He puts a hand on my shoulder, which immediately shuts me up. His action fills me with surprise and I feel the urge to laugh a bit when I notice his palm covers my entire shoulder bone. However, the action seems to have been something he didn't think twice about because he doesn't have a visible reaction to what he did.

"The only thing that matters is what you do about it," he continues in a voice soft as feathers.

"But...I'm asleep," Charlotte points out, just as puzzled as I am.

Bellamy shakes his head. "Fears are fears. Slay your demons when you're awake, they won't be there to get you when you sleep."

"How is she supposed to do that?" I ask. Charlotte nods at my question.

Bellamy's hand slips from my shoulder. "She can't afford to be weak. Down here, weakness is death. Fear is death."

I purse my lips and look away. What Bellamy is telling her...I don't agree. Fear doesn't mean death. Fear means you run the extra mile, you push yourself harder. It's what kept me going while the fog was chasing me. It makes us human.

There's a long lapse of silence until Bellamy speaks again. "Let me see that knife Fallon gave you." Charlotte takes it out of her pocket and hands it to him, who holds it up to her with the point up. "Now when you feel afraid, you hold tight to that knife and you say, 'Screw you, I'm not afraid.'"

I snort. Bellamy raises an eyebrow at me, silently asking me what my problem is. I shrug my shoulders indifferently. "Carry on. Sorry."

"Do you want to try?" he asks, thinking it's a challenge.

My eyes drift to Charlotte, who is watching me carefully, and I know I have to go against my morals this time. She needs this. It may be the only way she can sleep.

So I take the knife from Bellamy's hand and hold the handle like Atom taught me. I take a deep breath before narrowing my eyes, looking at him with a cold, hard stare. Directing the blade toward him, I put my guard up and sneer in a strong, level voice, "Screw you. I'm not afraid."

And just like that, the expression slips from my face and goes back to neutral. I place the knife in Charlotte's hands and look at Bellamy to see his reaction. He seems startled.

"Yeah, Charlotte, just like she did," he encourages with a cough. I smile victoriously.

Charlotte's eyes are trained on the knife that she holds in both of her hands. She says weakly, "Screw you. I'm not afraid." One look at the two of us and she knows it's not enough. She tightens her grip on the weapon and says more firmly, "Screw you. I'm not afraid."

Bellamy pats her knee, satisfied with the hard edge behind her words. "Slay your demons, kid. Then you'll be able to sleep."

And then I realize it. Something is there when I look at him. It takes me a moment to figure out what it is- trust. Maybe I've been wrong about Bellamy. Maybe he holds himself differently around others because he fears something- which is ironic considering his whole speech about slaying demons. Maybe I can put a little more faith in him. Maybe.

Charlotte snoozes with the knife clenched in her hands. I stare at the ceiling, thinking hard about what Bellamy told her. Counting the ridges in the roof of the cave, I let my mind weigh the pros and cons of what he said about fear. Yes, it can blind you, but can also provide strength. Adrenaline.

"God, I can sense your...whatever it is you're feeling, and now I can't sleep," Bellamy groans quietly, propping himself on one elbow. I look down at him and he stares at me expectantly, shadows cast over his face so I can only see one side of it clearly. "What is it?"

I sigh, adjusting myself against the wall as my back has begun to ache. "I don't agree with what you're telling her."

He almost laughs with a bewildered expression on his face. "What? What happened to 'Screw you, I'm not afrai--"

"Fear doesn't shut you down, Bellamy," I cut him off, my voice harsh. The half-smile wipes off his face in an instant. "It wakes you up. I read that in an old book once. And I've experienced it myself. Fear keeps you going. It was what pushed me when I was running from that fog. The constant fear of it touching me was how I got as far as I did."

He's quiet, appearing like he wants to say something. And he does. "Yeah, and look where it got Atom."

"Atom tripped," I counter, my voice cracking a bit when I speak his name. At the memory of the decision I had to make. 

"Because of fear," Bellamy retorts, voice raising a bit before he lowers it again, eyes flickering to Charlotte then back at me. There's a stony look hidden in his features. "You did the same. Fear blinds you, Amazon. It causes you to make rash, half-assed decisions."

Something has turned in this conversation. We're not talking about Charlotte anymore. We're not talking about Atom. We're not talking about me. Or at least, Bellamy isn't.

Is he talking about himself?

Before I can ask, he starts to lie down again. It's clear the conversation is over. "Go back to sleep, Amazon. We've got a rough road in the morning."

--

Bellamy's arm extends over Charlotte and I as he creeps outside the cave, eyes scanning to check if any of the fog is left. His hair is even more wild than usual, curling in a tornado-like mess around his face. We all look a little rugged from spending the night in a cave.

"It's all clear," he announces and drops his arm. Charlotte and I walk hesitantly out into the open.

I look around, squinting from the sunlight peeking through the tops of the trees. It's quiet except for the chirping of distant birds. "Where is everyone?"

"Anybody out here?" Bellamy calls loudly. There's no response. "Jones?"

"We're here!" A male's voice calls from a distance. Our heads snap toward the sound and Bellamy visibly relaxes. He starts to walk toward the voice, checking behind him to make sure Charlotte and I are following.

"Lost you in the stew," Bellamy says to the dark-skinned boy, a girl with curly black hair, and a tall boy with reddish hair. "Where'd you go?"

"We made it to a cave down there," Jones responds, pointing his spear vaguely in the opposite direction. He's breathless from the journey here. "The hell was that?"

"I don't know," Bellamy replies, lips pursed.

My eyes scan the faces of the group and I notice someone is missing. My heart weighs down. "Where's Atom?"

Jones's eyes go wide, and that's all the confirmation I need. Atom is dead.

I stare at the ground, shoulders slumping the slightest bit. Bellamy must know what I'm thinking by taking one look at my reaction.

"Fallon, it's not your fault," he assures, voice heavy. "You couldn't have helped."

"I should've gone back for him," I whisper, his frantic screams echoing in my head. "I should've-"

"It would have gotten you killed for sure." Bellamy's voice is hard now. "It's better off that you kept going."

Suddenly, a shriek causes us all to jump, and we realize that Charlotte is gone. I don't hesitate. I sprint in the direction her voice came from and find her staring, absolutely terrified, at something a few yards from her.

"Charlotte?" I say softly, grasping her hands in mine and forcing her to look at me. "Charlotte, what is it?"

Her wide eyes drift to something behind me right as Bellamy shows up, putting a hand on her back. I turn and feel like the air has been sucked out of me and my lungs are afire.

A body is lying still on the ground below, papery skin covered in angry red sores and welts from head to toe. Some have thick, yellow puss oozing out of them. The male's hand is frozen over his stomach like he can't move. Short, shaking pants escape his bloodless lips every so often, shaking his chest as he gasps for air he can't inhale. I don't have to guess to know who it is.

"Son of a bitch," Bellamy gasps, starting forward. "Atom."

I follow after him, making sure Charlotte doesn't come any closer. Bellamy and I crouch down in front of Atom's twitching body.

I feel like throwing up once I'm closer. Atom's lips are white, making the blood inside of his mouth and staining his teeth all the more apparent. The left side of his face is completely covered in bleeding sores, not one shred of skin remaining. And his eyes are a misty white. He's blind.

I gag and can't muster out any words. Anything I could say is stuck on the edge of my tongue and won't escape past my lips. My vision swirls so the body in front of me is a mess of colors. Bellamy seems to be leaning closer to hear a sentence that Atom is trying to say.

"Kill me," Atom whispers, breathing ragged. I can't imagine the amount of pain he's feeling. A minute in that fog was living hell. He has been out here all night. "Kill me."

I feel tears coming before I know what's happening. My hand grips onto Bellamy's bicep and his head immediately snaps to me.

I feel like I'm going to fall over. Bellamy clutches onto my elbows to make sure I don't.

"Oh God, Bellamy." I'm not sure where I'm looking, at him or Charlotte behind him. My voice is weak and tremulous and my eyes burn. "I could have prevented this."

Another thought races through my mind, but I don't say it out loud. I could have been this. 

Bellamy doesn't respond. He's searching my eyes with a horrified expression on his face. Atom is still gasping for breath below us.

Jones and the two others have arrived and Bellamy stands, still holding onto me so I'm pulled up with him. Charlotte takes hesitant steps toward us and slips the knife into his hand.

"I c-can't br-breathe," Atom sputters, coughing as he struggles for air.

"Don't be afraid," Charlotte advises, voice strong and level despite the circumstances. I feel immensely proud of her for being brave when the two of us aren't.

Bellamy takes one more look at Atom and draws in a deep breath. He turns to the group. "Go back to camp. Charlotte, Fallon, you too."

While Charlotte and the others walk away, I stand my ground. "I'm not leaving. I can't help but feel like this - that he - is my fault. I have to deal with the consequences."

"Fallon, you don't have to do this," Bellamy tells me, voice quiet.

I swallow the lump forming in my throat. "I'm going to."

He nods and bends down beside Atom's body, a despondent look on his face. The poor boy keeps repeating that sentence over and over again. "Kill me. Kill me."

Bellamy brings the knife down at a snail's pace. Atom tilts his neck to the side, bracing himself for what's coming. But Bellamy doesn't move beyond that point.

"Bellamy, please," Atom begs. I can feel my heart constricting. A tear falls and I quickly wipe it away, trying my best to stay as strong as possible.

Before I know what I'm doing, I find my hand sneaking into Bellamy's. My fingers graze against the calloused skin and the rough pads of his fingertips. Without looking at him, I squeeze his hand and notice him glance at me, then turn his head to view something behind him. Or, rather, someone.

Clarke stands behind us, immobile in shock. Then she walks forward, dropping her backpack as she crouches on the opposite side of Atom. Her eyes scan over him as he continues to wheeze.

"I heard screams," she mutters.

"Charlotte found him," Bellamy informs, voice thick and heavy with emotion. His chin wobbles a bit before he speaks again. "I sent her back to camp."

Clarke nods then looks at me. Her mouth drops open a bit. "Fallon, what happened to your eyes?"

"What?" I ask, using my free hand to touch the skin underneath them.

Bellamy is staring at Clarke with a hard expression like he's mad she brought it to my attention. She ignores him, expression concerned. "You were in the fog, weren't you?"

I drop my hand. "Um, yes? But--"

"We can talk about this later," Bellamy cuts in. "Right now, Atom needs us."

Clarke doesn't push it. She looks Atom up and down once more before shaking her head. I'm not surprised. I knew there was no way he could make it.

Bellamy swallows. My heart aches like someone is trying to squeeze it until it bursts.

Clarke lets out a slow breath before smiling and making her voice as high and light as it can be, like she's talking to a baby. "Okay. I'm gonna help you, all right?"

Atom gasps for breath in response. Clarke's eyes drift to me and I know what I have to do. I draw in a deep, shaking breath as well before reaching out and softly stroking Atom's black, soft hair with trembling hands.

Clarke and I begin to hum in sync as well as we can, trying to soothe and calm Atom. Clarke takes the knife from Bellamy slowly. I find myself gripping his hand more tightly.

As the knife comes closer to Atom's neck, it gets harder to hum. More tears make it difficult to see and the lump in my throat enlarges. 

The knife enters his skin. I stop humming altogether. My hand is frozen in his hair. Clarke drags the blade out and her voice pauses. I find the courage to start again and continue stroking the dying boy's hair through my quiet sobs. 

Bellamy is squeezing back.

The journey to camp is a hard one. Finn and Clarke lead us as usual, while I'm in the middle. Wells and Bellamy carry Atom's body behind all of us.

The wall in construction opens for us and instantly people notice our arrival. Clarke and Finn immediately head to the drop ship to tend to Jasper with a new medicine they found. I'm not sure if I want to stay or go with them. 

"Hey, they're back!" someone shouts and everyone stands up. I watch with vacant eyes as the boys set the body on the ground.

"Get Clarke whatever she needs," Bellamy tells someone, then turns to me. "Fallon, go. Don't let my sister get near here."

It's too late. Octavia stumbles forward.

"Octavia, just stay there," Bellamy orders, trying to push her away. "Please, just stay back."

"No, stop," Octavia sneers, shoving his hands away. She kneels in the dirt and starts to remove Wells' jacket from Atom's face with shaking hands. People gasp in shock when they see it, and the amount of pain on Octavia's face makes my heart sink down into my stomach. Her voice is barely a whisper, but it holds so much emotion. "Atom."

"There's nothing I could do," Bellamy tries to say, but Octavia holds her hand up.

"Don't," she sneers, voice hard and venomous. Tears well in her eyes and I cover my mouth to keep myself from crying again as she starts to lean toward Atom's bloody face. She then sits back, quickly covering it back up with the jacket.

"O. O, please," Bellamy whispers desperately as she stands and starts to storm away.

"Don't." Octavia pushes past him and I find myself unable to follow. I'm frozen. My feet are stuck to the soil.

Murphy steps toward Bellamy, whose eyes shift to the ground. "Lose anyone here?"

"No," Murphy replies flatly.

"Jasper?" Bellamy asks with a nod toward the dropship. My ears perk up.

"Still breathing. Barely," Murphy answers and I sigh in immense relief. He turns toward the dropship. "I tried to take him out, but your psycho little sister--"

Bellamy shoves him backward before he can even finish the sentence, getting in his face and yelling at the top of his lungs, "My what? What?"

Murphy's face is devoid of emotion as Bellamy's hands clench onto the collar of his shirt. "Your little sister." He pushes Bellamy off of him.

"Yeah, that's right. My little sister," Bellamy says, voice low and threatening. "Got anything else you wanna say about her?"

"Nothing," Murphy replies. "Sorry."

He doesn't sound sorry at all.

Bellamy eyes him up and down before addressing Jones and motioning to Atom. "Get him out of here." He notices that I'm still there and walks toward me, features softening a fraction of a bit. "Help Clarke. Jasper needs you."

I nod and walk somberly toward the dropship, though the only thing on my mind is Atom's blind eyes staring up at me and begging to be killed.

---------

ok but can we talk about the fact that they held hands

do you think things are moving too fast? be honest like im kinda unsure about this whole ordeal so idk man pls voice ur honest opinions

also thanks so much for almost 2k reads! what is life

-kristyn