❝this was the door to both sustenance and sanity. and we were each other's key.❞

-katniss everdeen, mockingjay

♛

I STAND IN FRONT of the two Grounders between me and Lexa's tent with my back straight and eyes still watering. They don't seem fazed by the tear stains on my cheeks, nor do they budge at my begging for them to let me pass.

"Please," I whisper, trying to speak through the lump still lodged in my throat. I don't feel ashamed or embarrassed about my obvious sorrow- I have every right to be upset. Standing before them doesn't change that.

"Let her pass," Lexa's voice commands from nearby.

"Heda--" one of them tries to argue, but Lexa holds up a hand that effectively makes them go silent.

"Dula chit ai biyo."

The guards step aside to let me through without another word. I turn to where Lexa watches me carefully from the side, sending her a nod in thanks. She jerks her chin toward the tent in response without expression. 

I keep my head high up until the moment the red curtains close behind me. The instant they do, I more or less sprint toward where Clarke sits at the foot of the throne, choking on her sobs as she vigorously rubs her hand with a cloth to rid it of the blood. Finn's blood.

She looks up at me with despondency in her eyes, her mouth opening and closing as if she's trying to speak but can't find words. I sit beside her and take the rag. She shakes violently from head to toe, as if miniature earthquakes are beneath her skin. I have to steady her hand before I can help her clean it. The blood is stubborn as it sticks to her skin and refuses to come off unless I use force, scrubbing it off so hard I must be hurting her.

Abby and Kane enter a few moments after, quickly taking note of Clarke's sobbing and my own tear-stained face. Her mother steps forward and crouches before her.

"They were going to torture him," Clarke bursts out heavily through her crying, finally able to find her words. "I had to. I--"

"Shh," Abby coaxes and brushes a strand of hair away from her daughter's face in a loving manner. "It's okay. It's okay."

"What did I do?" Clarke questions numbly from Abby's arms. I cover my mouth with my hand to prevent any more sobs from escaping at the pure agony in her voice. Her pain may as well be my own, I feel it so strongly. 

A familiar Grounder steps in with an impassive expression- the one who had threatened us upon our first arrival. Gustus? Is that his name? I think so.

"The Commander is ready to talk," he informs us, then shifts his hard gaze to me. "You are not welcome."

"No," Clarke protests, clinging onto my hand with her clean one in desperation. "Let her stay."

"She is of no importance to us," Gustus replies blankly, but the words still succeed in sending a jab through me. He seems to fry me with his stare. "The Commander was generous in letting her come in. Leave. Or I will call Indra."

I squeeze Clarke's hand before standing, telling her, "It's okay." I straighten up and leave the tent with my back straight. Gustus' eyes follow me while I walk. When I'm outside, I take a deep breath of the crisp morning air. It steadies me a bit. 

She is of no importance to us. Why do I feel like that phrase follows me wherever I go? I'm of enough status to be allowed into Lexa's tent, but not to stay for longer than I need to. It feels like a cruel punishment to walk out of there alone, and I can't help but feel the tiniest but humiliated.

I feel the eyes of a hundred Grounders on me as I walk back toward camp with my back straight and gaze forward. As much as I want to, I don't look around. I'm afraid of what I'd be met with.

A young man I don't recognize steps in my way, his ice blue eyes cutting into mine. He, like almost all of the rest, has tattoos spiraling up the side of his face and his sharp jaw is set firmly. Shoulder-length blond hair is pulled back by braids. Maybe, just maybe, he could be Lincoln's age. The thought doesn't make me feel any better.

"Chon yu bilaik?" he questions in a slightly deep voice.

I feel my cheeks heat up. Octavia hadn't taught me this, but with enough breaking down of the English language, I'm able to roughly translate it as: Who you be like?

Who are you, maybe? I have to give it a shot.

"Falon," I reply with as much of a level tone as I can muster. My gaze doesn't stray from his, no matter how much I want to turn and run to the safety of our walls.

"Gon hou we, en nou komba hir, Falon," he sneers, then gives me one last glare before stepping aside to let me pass. I have no idea what he means, but I can hear the threat in his tone. It doesn't help that a few scattered laughs rise from those surrounding us. Refusing to let heat form a blush on my cheeks, I march out.

--

The walk to Tondc is quiet- too quiet. I find myself drawing in my journal as I walk, trying not to remember that my pen had been used to kill a Grounder only yesterday. I bite my lip and continue tracing over the wings' edges until they look as I want them to.

The drawing does not make me feel better at all. In fact, it almost makes me feel worse. Who am I to be drawing Finn? Yet, here I am, showing him looking up at the starry sky with angel wings unfolding from his back. His front is facing the opposite direction. I can't draw his face in fear of messing it up or breaking down.

When the pressure in my chest gets to be too much to bear, I snap my notebook closed and tuck it back into my pocket along with the pen. I'll finish the drawing some other time.

"Hey," Bellamy says to Clarke, who snaps her head toward him as if breaking from a trance. "Doing alright?"

Clarke's eyes seem distant as she replies, "Yeah."

I know she doesn't mean it. Who would be doing alright?

"You did the right thing," Bellamy tells her after a pause.

"Now I get to live with it." Her voice has a cold undertone to it, almost like self-hatred. It makes my heart ache for her. "You still think this truce is a bad idea, don't you?"

"I think we're wasting time with politics while our friends are in trouble," Bellamy answers concisely.

"We need their army to get them out, Bellamy, and you know it," Clarke volleys back.

"But what if you don't?" I ask with my voice slightly thick. Clarke's line of vision shifts to me as if she's surprised I spoke at all. I don't blame her; I haven't said much lately. "I can still be an inside woman. I'll do it myself, if that's what it takes."

"Forget it," Clarke dismisses the idea once again without question. "It's too dangerous."

"I can do it," I insist. "I can."

"Clarke, if you can make it out, we can make it in," Bellamy tries to convince her. My eyebrows crease in confusion as my eyes flicker to him. We?

"Since when are you coming with me?" I question.

He glances down at me with a raised eyebrow. "Did you ever think you'd be going in there alone?"

"I said no," Clarke renounces firmly.

Bellamy shakes his head. "Since we don't take orders from you, we're gonna need a better reason."

"I can't lose you two, okay?"

My heart lurches at her words. But still, I find the strength to reply, "You won't."

Night falls, which means we have to set up camp before the sun fully sets. I assist Abby with setting up tents for everyone. The Grounders refuse my help and construct their own. Even with our new truce, there seems to be a line drawn between us. Grounders on one side, Sky People on the other.

Despite the careful eyes of the people on the "other side," I sit by a campfire right in the middle and take out my notebook again. The firelight is just barely enough for me to see with as I continue tracing over the lines of the drawing, only orange embers lighting the paper in a dim glow.

"Yu dra em, Falon," a familiar voice says from behind me. "Chomouda?"

I do not turn toward the Grounder from the border and instead continue adding details to the wings.

"I don't understand you," I tell him with no emotion. "You may as well speak in English."

When there's no reply, I turn and see him staring down at me blankly. His mouth is set in a firm line.

I sigh and decide to take a different approach. "Chon yu bilaik?"

A pause. At first I think he won't reply and just keep staring at me, but then he responds, "Julian."

"Heya, Julien," I say with what I hope is a friendly expression on my face. He doesn't return my greeting, instead walking away toward a tent. The half-smile drops from my face when I huff. "Okay, then."

A pair of heavy boots comes beside me before someone sits. I turn to see Lincoln, freshly shaved, cleaned, and not at all like the Reaper we found him as. He stares ahead at the fire and does not look at me.

"I wouldn't talk to Julian," he warns lowly so the Grounders behind us can't hear. "He's dangerous."

I raise my eyebrows. "Aren't you all dangerous?"

Lincoln lifts half of his mouth up at my question. He shifts before speaking again. "I'm trying to help you. After what I did, it's the least I could do."

There's sadness in his dark eyes as the flames dance within them. He seems distant- out of place, even, in this truce between us. I can feel the sharp glares of other Grounders prickling my back.

"That wasn't you," I respond lightly. "It was the serum."

Lincoln shrugs, sits for a little longer, then gets up and walks away. I don't find catharsis in drawing anymore and use my backpack as a pillow against the dirt. It only takes me minutes to fall asleep.

--

The sun is just beginning to rise and the plants are wet with morning dew when we set off again. I let my fingers trail along the wet leaves of bushes as I walk, trying to focus on the beauty of the earth instead of our destination. However, when I hear a shout in Trigedasleng and notice we've approached the village, I return my hand to my side and wipe it on my jeans.

The gate slides open as Gustus climbs off of his horse. He and Lexa are now riding in the front so they will be the first people the villagers see- a precaution since they're likely not to cooperate with Skaikru.

"Weapons," Gustus says as he steps in front of us.

Lincoln steps forward and hands him a small knife, informing us, "We need to disarm before we enter."

I sigh and take the dropship metal knife from my back pocket, along with the one in my boot, and the one in my jacket, and the one tucked into the waistband of my jeans. Clarke gives me an incredulous look when I pass my collection of knives onto the Grounder. I shrug before handing him the rifle strapped to my front as well.

Everyone follows and drops their weapons into the basket he's holding toward us. I find it incredibly amusing when Gustus has to pluck a similar amount of knives from Raven as well, with her glaring at him the entire time.

"Heda," Gustus calls to Lexa, who has also dismounted from her horse. "Em klir."

Lexa nods and starts to walk toward the village with Indra and Gustus following behind. I share a look with Bellamy and Clarke before walking between them and heading into the territory as well. As soon as we step inside the open area, people begin shouting to us.

"Heda! Heda! Monin hou!"

But then, they turn into raged shouts that fill me with buzzing anticipation to pass by the eyes of the people. They have noticed the Sky People and are not happy about our return. I don't blame them.

While Lexa passes by completely unfazed at the outbursts of her people, I find my hand seeking Bellamy's for comfort. My fingers brush against his before lacing them together loosely. I swallow thickly as a man blocks our path, spitting at Lexa in Trigedasleng.

"Skaikru don jak ething op kom ai: ai houmon, ai yongon--"

"Step of," Gustus commands blankly.

The man only continues with his light brown eyes pleading. The only word I understand is his Ripa, which I know to mean 'Murderer.' It sends a chill down my spine.

Lexa glances at Gustus, who, in turn, steps forward and punches the man in the face so hard that he falls on his back. He stands above his victim and continues to hit him until blood splatters on the dirt. My stomach clenches but I cannot look away; my eyes seem to be glued to the scene.

I am shocked at how emotionless Lexa is. She does not seem bothered by this at all, not even when the man's grunts become more and more pained. Her shoulders stay set back, stance perfectly still.

Clarke steps forward and speaks quietly to her. I cannot hear what she says, but Lexa calls to Gustus, "Teik em kik raun," and he ceases to beat the man. When he gets to his feet, blood is dribbling down his nose an chin in thick clumps that stick to his fuzzy beard.

Lexa turns around and addresses the villagers crowded behind our group. Her face is stormy and regal-looking. "The Sky People march with us now. Anyone who tries to stop that will pay with their life."

Once the message sinks in, she faces forward once more and continues walking. I spare a glance at the shocked villagers before following behind Clarke. Bellamy squeezes my hand gently, silently comforting me. My heart swells with gratitude.

Twenty minutes later, we are gathered around a huge fire pit with a stack of logs bearing Finn's body. It's wrapped in cloth and bound with rope, but I can still picture what he looks like underneath. Bloody. Eyes closed. Unmoving.

I stand beside Raven, who has her jaw locked and eyes cast toward the ground. I'm proud of her for staying so calm in this situation- surely she must want to scream and throw a fit.

"Kru kom Tondc," Lexa addresses the village, "raun faya, oso woda klin laudnes-de kom foutaim."

"People of Tondc, in fire we cleanse the pain of the past," Lincoln translates quietly for us from where he stands behind Octavia. I shoot him a grateful look.

Indra hands Lexa a large, burning torch when I turn back around. To my surprise, she pauses before handing it our way. "Clarke."

A murmur of confusion sweeps around the people, which is understandable considering Lexa must be breaking tradition right now. Clarke silently takes hold of the burning stick and steps onto the platform Finn's body is on. She hesitates before glancing to something at her right- glancing at nothing. But her hand is moving until it lights the logs surrounding Finn.

"Yu gonplei ste odon," she mutters. Then, she steps down and tosses the torch into the heart of the logs, causing the fire to spread more rapidly until the entire pit is a blazing inferno of orange flame, and Finn's body burns with it.

----

this episode was so creepy bc finn kept popping up out of nowhere

"i always feel like somebody's watchin' meeeee"

-kristyn

TRANSLATIONS:

Heda: Commander

Dula chit ai biyo: Do what I say.

Chon yu bilaik?: What is your name?

Gon hou we, en nou komba hir, Falon: Go home, and do not come back here, Fallon.

Yu dra em, Falon. Chomouda?: You draw him, Fallon. Why?

Heya, Julien: Hello, Julian.

Em klir: All clear

Heda! Heda! Monin hou!: Commander! Commander! Welcome back!

Skaikru don jak ething op kom ai: ai houmon, ai yongon: Sky People took everything from me: my wife, my child--

Step of: Move aside.

Teik em kik raun: Let him live.