Find out what makes you kinder, what opens you up

and brings out the most loving, generous, and unafraid version

of you—and go after those things as if nothing else matters.

Because, actually, nothing else does.

—George Saunders

_________________________________

JAKE

DECEMBER // 3 MONTHS EARLIER

I had Jules on one side of me, her head resting against my shoulder. And in her lap, was Emma, just sitting there, taking everything in—the Christmas tree with colored lights and tinsel, all the ornaments, the crackle of the fireplace, and of course, the presents and stockings piled high. Mom came walking in with mugs of hot chocolate, little marshmallows floating on the top.

"Thank you," Jules said, reaching up to take her mug. It was red with a snowman painted on it.

"Merry Christmas, sweetie." Mom smiled at her.

"Can we open presents now?" Dad whined from across the room. He was eyeing the gifts with shiny wrapping paper, hoping they were his.

"You are honestly such a little kid." I shook my head.

"Hey," he pointed a finger at me. "I know you're excited too." Dad tried to get someone to jump on board with him.

I head my hands up. "Whatever gets you through." A laugh escaped my mouth. Jules handed me her hot chocolate so she could open a present my mom was handing her.

"Why don't I get to open the first present?" Dad slumped back against the couch, his blue robe looking almost as sad as he did.

"Because you always open the first present, honey." Mom paid little attention to his antics.

"But Michelle!" he closed his eyes.

"Go ahead, Jules," she nodded. "Don't mind him." A smile played on her lips at the sight of Emma's hands banging on the present.

"Here, baby girl." I leaned over and tore a corner of the wrapping paper for Emma to get her started. "You can help, Mommy," I said before kissing Emma's cheek. She almost toppled over with excitement. I watched Jules and Emma rip off the blue paper with silver snowflakes on it.

"This feels like clothes, Emmy," said before taking the top of the box off. "Oh, Emma, look at that!" Jules held up a thick, fleece onesie.

"I know she's only six months, but I got it for her in a 9." Mom explained. "I wanted her to be able to wear it through this winter."

"It's perfect!" Jules said. "Jake feel this." She turned to me.

"Mmmm, soft." I took a sip of Jules's hot chocolate.

"Babe! You have your own!" She nudged me.

"I just wanted whatever was in your cup." I smiled at her.

"Emma tell Daddy not to eat all the marshmallows." Jules put the fluffy yellow onesie back in the box. "She'll love this," she said to my mom.

"Oh, good, I'm glad."

"Daddy is gonna eat all the marshmallows," I said to Emma before pretending to eat some of her. She giggled and pushed me away.

"Alright, Stephen, why don't you open a present?" I watched my Dad's face light up as Mom handed him a rather large gift. I had this sinking feeling inside of me like it was a gift within another gift. She would be the one to do something like that to him.

"Tell me you got those new skates for me," he looked over at her.

"You would let me by your hockey gear?" Mom put a hand to her chest, feigning surprise.

"I wouldn't let you go in blind, honey." Dad didn't even bother to look up from his present, wildly tearing the wrapping paper off. "I put them on hold for you at the shoppe downtown," he said in the most casual voice, like this was something all wives should just magically know about their hockey-obsessed husbands. Mom gave Jules and me a sly look. A shriek escaped Dad's mouth as he lifted the skates up. "They're even more beautiful than I could have ever hoped." He whispered, and I wasn't sure if he was talking to us or his new babies. "I love you." He whispered to my Mom.

"Merry Christmas, babe," was her only answer. "I had to double/check with Jake to make sure they were the right ones."

"You did good, son." Dad set the skates down gently beside him.

"If only you would start saying this when I bring home As." I rolled my eyes.

"Jake you've been making As ever since you learned how to write. I think we're over that now. It's not every day you get new, beautiful skates!" He defended himself in the worst way possible.

"Good to know you don't care about my future." I leaned again the couch behind me, scooping Emma out of Jules's lap in the process. Emma snuggled into my arms with ease, still taking in the odd behavior of my father. Dad opened his mouth but I cut him off. "Love you too." I nodded. "Now give Mom a present. She's been waiting patiently and here you are, obsessing over some playthings." I joked with him, because in all seriousness, Dad's new skates were amazing and I was jealous.

"Umm, Stephen, I think you missed something." Mom was pointing towards the box he lifted his skates out of.

Dad peered into the box and froze. A small sigh escaped his mouth before he reached down and lifted up what looked to be like the tiniest pair of hockey skates I had ever seen, minus the twelve ornaments decorating our Christmas Tree.

"Are those what I think they are?" Jules asked.

"Jake's first pair of skates?" Dad looked at Jules like any proud hockey father would. "Yep!"

"You're gonna skate like Daddy, Emms." I gave her a little pat-pat and looked down at her.

"She's gonna skate like Daddy..." Jules repeated in disbelief.

"Relax, they won't fit her for another two years." Upon hearing that, Jules let out a sigh of relief.

△

"Are you sure? Cause I can stay." I told Jules as I took another bite of bacon.

"Jake, you do this every Christmas. Go." She nodded towards the door. "I'm gonna put Emma down for a nap anyways."

That was all I needed to hear. "Bye," I said to everyone as I snatched up my hockey bag. I opened the front door only to be greeted by an icy gust of wind. God, I loved winter. I was about to throw my bag into the bed of my truck, but then I thought back to all the times when I was little and I'd have to haul all my stuff down to Pond without a car. It seemed like Derek had the same idea as me because I saw him about a hundred feet ahead of me as I rounded a corner.

"Yo, Leight!" I shouted, cupping my free hand over my mouth.

"Ay, Rossy!" he said to me once I had caught up. "Ready to play?"

"I was ready to make an escape through the bathroom window if Jules had said no." I laughed. Speaking of relationships... "Where's Calum?" I looked around, expecting him to be running up behind us.

"He drove over to Ava's this morning. Should be at Pond though." Derek shrugged. "Oh, wait, he's over there." Derek threw his head over his shoulder.

"You didn't want to go with him? See your girlfriend?" I looked at him. He had never passed up an opportunity to see Katie. Ever.

"Her and Aves are coming over for Christmas Dinner later.

"Uhhh Mama Leight's cooking." My mouth started watering even though I had just eaten about twenty-two pancakes, sixteen eggs, and eighty-four piece of delicious bacon.

"You're coming, right?" Derek asked me.

"I haven't missed one in seven years." I grinned.

"Yeah, don't start now," he said as we threw our bags down in the snow. A few other guys were already here, shoveling off the fresh snow and setting up the nets.

"Boys!" A-Mart said putting his hands on our shoulders.

"Hey, nice of you to finally show up, Martini-weenie." Derek clapped him on the back before we sat down on our bags to put our skates on.

"You think I would miss Pond? On Christmas morning? You have too much eggnog last night?"

"Please, this tradition is older than all of us." I said, thinking back to all the Christmas mornings I'd spent at Pond with the older boys as I laced up my skates. No amount of eggnog would keep me away from this.

I stepped onto the ice, one glove on and the other one tucked under my arm. I readjusted my sweatshirt and helmet before tucking my hand inside my other glove. I grabbed a free puck and made my way over to Calum, who was messing around by one of the goals. I passed him the puck just as he was coming around the side.

"Morning, J," he chipped my puck as well as his into the net, one by one before we skated back towards centre ice.

"Santa bring you any good presents?" I asked him, because it was a known fact that Calum always got good presents.

"Three new sticks, some new gloves, a bunch of clothes, courtesy of Ava, and... wait for it..." he pulled his sweatshirt away from his neck, and a golden piece of fluff poked its head out, cute little black nose and all.

"You got a puppy?" I asked, unable to take my eyes off the cutest smushball I had ever seen, minus Emma of course. But then again, Emma wasn't a golden retriever. Close though.

"Meet, Tuckett." Calum had the goofiest grin on his face. "Tuck for short."

"You named him after this pond?" I asked.

"Yeah, this place means everything to me." Calum bent down and placed Tuckett on the ice. He attempted to walk, but his paws just kept slipping out from beneath him, so he resigned to laying in between Calum's skates.

"Pond puppy!" Derek skated over, and collapsed into a heap of happiness. Tuckett decided that Derek would be much easier to walk on than the ice and climbed onto his stomach, showering his face with little puppy licks.

Calum scooped Tuckett off Derek a few minutes later and skated to the edge of the ice before placing him in his hockey bag. When we looked back over, Tuckett was wearing one of Calum's winter hats, with an old glove in his mouth.

"Will he run off?" A-Mart asked.

"Nah, I hooked his leash through one of the loops on my bag." Calum waved him off.

"Solid, now let's pick teams." Derek said, turning his full attention to Pond.

Five minutes later, everyone was on their respective side in their own positions. "Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals." I shouted to everyone before Calum and I set up at centre ice.

△

I picked Emma up out of her carseat, making sure her coat was snug before closing the door. "Jake if you readjust her hat anymore, she won't be able to see." Jules rolled her eyes.

"It's freezing out here, Julianne. Do you want our kid to freeze?" I asked her as we made our way up the front steps.

I knocked twice on the door before walking inside. The entire house smelled of warm cinnamon and apple pie, which reminded me of why I always insisted on working on projects at the Leighton's.

"Jake!" Derek turned around, away from a group of people he was talking to. "Bro, finally!" he gave me and Jules a hug. "I was wondering if you got lost." He laughed.

"Two house down!" We both said at the same time before he handed me a drink.

Derek's mother came over and took Emma right out of Jules's arms. I watched as Jules's mouth formed into a small 'o,' though, she made no attempt to take her back. "I'll take Miss Emma for a little while." Sandra said to us.

"Are you sure?" I asked, but Jules's nails dug into my arm when she touched me. I guess she wanted some time away from Emma...

"Oh, of course. Aunt Carolynn will love her!" Sandra waved us off, before quickly hurrying away with her new found baby. Jules looked considerably happier and wandered off to find Ava and some other friends. If Ava was here, I knew a certain someone else who wouldn't be far...

"Your girlfriend here yet?" I asked Derek as we made our rounds, saying hello to, like, half of his family, who basically considered me to be another nephew.

"Yeah, she should be around somewhere." Derek stood up on his tippy toes, trying to find that familiar brown hair in the crowd.

I saw her, standing in the corner, holding what looked to be like hot chocolate, with a little cinnamon stick poking out of it. To make it better, she was laughing uncontrollably at something, and almost spilled her hot chocolate all over Jules. I had to smile at that. God, she was perfect. She was wearing this burgundy dress, with a lock of her hair pulled back, and some sparkly flats. I wondered if she or Ava had picked the outfit out. Either way, I could have run my fingers through her hair forever if she let me.

Derek and I made our way over to the girls, and the happiness I was feeling, faded as he slung his arm across Katie's shoulders and pulled her close to him. I got even angrier when she leaned into him like he was her entire world. But then again, they were dating and all, and people who are in relationships are supposed to like each other, somewhat. So I went with it. I thought about doing the same thing to Jules, but something inside me told me it wasn't a good idea. Not because she would punch me, or yell at me, or anything, but because Katie was standing two feet away. I knew I had the opportunity to make her jealous, but I just didn't really want to do that. Not tonight. Not on Christmas.

So I resigned to stealing glances whenever I could.

"I'm gonna get another drink. Anyone need one?" I asked, lifting my empty glass up. Everyone murmured some sort of 'yes.'

"I'll come with you," Katie said. "Help you carry everything." I wasn't sure if she said the last part to convince Derek or convince herself.

I nodded and put my hand out in front of me, letting her lead the way. I saw Aunt Carolynn in the kitchen, playing with Emma. Uncle Doug was making two drinks with a mint leaf in them, but other than that, the alcohol was unattended.

"So, Hawthorne," I began. "What kind of drink are we going for, here?" I asked her as we set the glasses down on the quartz countertops.

"Umm... Uh... Ummm..." Katie said before sighing. Was she just unsure or was I doing that to her? I hoped it was the latter. "The kind with the mint leaf," she finally said.

She grabbed some sort of alcohol and began pouring it into the glasses, while I grabbed another kind. Our arms bumped into each other at one point; the whole ordeal was clumsy. My solution? I hooked my arm around Katie and pulled her towards me, so she was in front of me, and then we went back to making drinks like nothing happened. I could have sworn she was leaning back against me at one point, but I wasn't about to say anything. Instead, I put my bottle of alcohol down and rested my chin on top of her head.

"Jake," Katie said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Five seconds," I said.

Katie rested more of her weight on me. "Five seconds," she repeated.

I closed my eyes and counted to five because that's all I was going to give myself.

Five seconds.

One.

Her hands found mine and tugged them gently around her waist.

Two.

And we stood like that for what seemed like forever.

Three.

But five seconds is only five seconds.

Four.

A poor substitute for forever, because I would have stayed like that forever, if she had let me.

Five.

I reluctantly removed my hands form her waist and I knew I heard her sigh in disappointment, and when she turned around I knew I was right.

"We can make it ten if you want, Hawthorne." I said with a grin.

"You wish." She rolled her eyes at me.

I took a step closer to her. "No," I said simply. "You wish." I could smell the minty drink on her breath and licked my lips. I watched as she bit her lip, contemplating what it meant to be a good person. "Merry Christmas, Katie." I kissed her forehead, letting my lips linger for a moment before we turned and walked back to our group of friends, drinks in hand. If I knew anything to be true, it was the fact that I was going to need many more drinks to make it through tonight, get Katie out of my head, and stop counting to five.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.