Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts

And you are the slave to your emotions.

—Elizabeth Gilbert

____________________________________

JAKE

JUNE // 8 MONTHS EARLIER

"Where are you going?" Jules asked me. She was lying on my watching TV with a bag of chips next to her.

"Practice." I tried not to roll my eyes as I walked over to my dresser.

"It's summer." She made no attempt at hiding her annoyance. "Hockey ended three months ago, Jake. When you lost State, remember?" Yeah I remember. Of course I fucking remember. How could I forget something like that?

"Off season." I bit back. "Maybe if I train harder, we won't lose next season." I pulled a shirt on over my head. "Then maybe you'll have something to brag about. Maybe this town will stop reminding me I'm a failure. And maybe you won't be pregnant." I muttered under my breath as I hammed my feet into a pair of running shoes.

"Can you get me some more salsa?" Jules asked through a mouthful of chips.

"Why can't you get yourself some more salsa?" I asked her, tying the laces up. "Something wrong with your legs?" I growled to myself.

"Because I'm pregnant," Jules said in an obvious voice, as if that would make me sprint down the stairs and grab a flight to Spain, so someone could make her some fresh salsa.

"Pregnant people can still walk, Jules." I sighed.

"Yeah, but they shouldn't have to!" She held the bowl out to me.

"No." I shook my head. "Use. Your. Legs. It'll be good for the baby."

"Jakey!" I heard her start to whine and quickly gathered up the rest of my things.

"Bye," was all I said.

"Don't be late for the shower today." Jules gave me a sickly sweet smile as if she could sense my impending dread.

"What time is it again?" I asked her, just to piss her off.

Jules let out a groan of frustration. "Jake, I've told you a million times!" If I was close enough, she would have thrown something or hit me. The only thing she could throw at me was the TV remote or her phone, but then that would mean she would have to get up. So I was safe. "It's at 2." She frowned.

"Bye, babe." I wiggled my fingers at her. "Spirit fingers!" I chuckled.

"You're doing them wrong!" she let out a groan.

"That's why I'm going to practice."

"To work on your spirit fingers?" Jules was clearly confused.

"No, so I don't have to do spirit fingers." I rolled my eyes. "Try and keep up, babe." I smirked at her.

"I'm pregnant!" Her squeal reverberated off my bedroom walls.

"Oh really? I hadn't noticed. Speaking of being pregnant, when are we having the shower?" I laughed as I walked out of my room.

"Don't be late!" She snapped at me before I closed the door.

△

"Fellas," I said to a few of the guys who were already at the trail head. More of them were filing in behind me.

"Cap'n," Ryder said, giving me a small salute.

"So, are we gonna beat our last time?" Calum asked as we started stretching.

"Yeah, if I don't pass out from heat stroke," A-Mart said.

"Or die." A-Mart laughed. "Dougie, you good over there, or should I just call an ambulance for you now?"

"Oh, shove it Martini!" Dougie cracked a grin.

"Ehhh, just try an keep up, Northie." Dougie shrugged.

"I'll keep up if you just try and show up, Leighton."

"Not my fault I have a girlfriend and you don't Doug-meister." Derek held up his hands.

"I'm not a one girl kind of guy." Dougie smirked.

"More like four girl..." Derek blew a stream of air out between his lips. "And none of them know. Weird." He shook his head.

"Stealth." Dougie whispered. "Ninja." He got a laugh out of the guys.

"It's sunny and 83, boys! Let's go!" I said as Calum and I set off, effectively shutting everyone up.

There was silence, except for the breathing coming from the two lines of sweaty boys running up Moose Mountain with me. Twenty minutes into our run, once everyone had found their groove and could somewhat breathe, we started the Numbers game. Someone would start, calling out the number 1, and then somebody else would have to call out 2. If two guys called out the same number, everyone lost the game and we would start again from 1. Our record was 17.

"1." Calum started.

I heard Dougie take a few breaths. "2," he called out. It took a a few moments for someone else to say the next number. Calum and I had purposely started the game on one of the steepest parts of the trail.

"4!" I shouted. It was taking a toll on all of us.

"5!" I heard Derek's voice from the way back of the line.

I didn't even know why I had even bothered to wear a shirt on this run because by the time we got to the summit, I was pretty sure that—in the most disgusting way possible—I was going to be able to wring my shirt out. That's how much I was sweating.

Thank god for rivers, because that's where I was heading as soon as we finished this workout, but then I heard a sound that made me stop dead in my tracks.

"I don't know what I've been told." I heard the familiar, dreaded words in the distance.

"No," Derek said.

"Fuck me," A-Mart said at the same time.

"Mansfield puck is keeping cold!" I heard the deep rumble of the guys closing in on us.

"The hell does that even mean?" Calum shook his head as we took a few steps further up the trail.

The chanting got louder and louder. It was inevitable—there was only one trail up on this side of the mountain and one trail down—we were going to have to deal with Georgie O'Sullivan. The footsteps turned into pounding and soon enough I could hear the raggedy puffs of most of the Mansfield team. I held up my hand, signaling for my team to stop walking.

"What now?" Dougie asked from behind Calum.

"Now, we wait," Calum answered as I paused the time running on my watch.

I wasn't about to let a Mansy ruin our time. And sure enough, moments later, we were greeted by none other than the Mansfield Hawks. Perfect. As if my day couldn't get any worse.

"Gentlemen! We are in the present of Kings! Quick, everyone bow your heads! Kneel! Do something so they don't behead us!" Georgie laughed.

I glared vehemently at him in return.

"Jakey!" Georgie held out his arms, as if to say 'Welcome,' but I knew he was actually saying 'We got here first, scrubs.'

"Georgie." I gave him a curt nod.

"Fancy seeing you here." He had this goofy smile plastered onto his reddened face.

"Yeah... Out of all the trails on the mountain." I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

"You know what they say," Georgie shrugged. "Early bird gets the worm." He shot us a smirk.

"Yeah, but the second mouse gets the cheese!" Derek called.

"Hawks eat mice for breakfast." Georgie leaned forwards as he said that. He looked about as menacing as a butterfly.

I gave a thoughtful nod. "Yeah... but now that I think about it... Tom never could catch Jerry."

"Tom was a cat," one of the large defenders said. He was Georgie's right-hand man.

"Very good, Bo." Calum gave a slow clap. "But let me take you back to freshman Biology. Try and keep up, alright?" Calum winked. "Like hawks, cats are also predators."

"That means they eat things." Ava came to stand next to me. "In case you were unsure of the terminology."

"Right. Thanks babe. So how did Georgie put it?" Calum asked her.

"Eat mice for breakfast." she nodded.

"Yeah? How's Calum taste, Ava?" Georgie wiggled his eyebrows. "I bet you don't even choke on him." Georgie moved his hips in a circle. That might have been the lowest he could have gone. I glanced over at Calum to see his hands clenched into fists. Ava's was in shock, mouth agape. I saw Calum take a step towards Georgie; Dougie grabbed him before he could do anything.

"Man, are you crazy?" he growled into Calum's ear.

"I'm sure you know all about choking on things," Calum said before biting his lip.

"Dude... do you just get off on talking about other guy's girls? First Jules... now Ava? Don't you have a girl of your own to talk about?" I asked Georgie, generally curious.

"Nah, he scares them all alway." Derek said. "But either way you look at it, we win... the whole predator/prey situation... escaping Tom and all..." Derek tried to bring us back to the topic.

"Oh, like you won State, you mean?" Georgie snickered.

"We made it further than you dusters." A-Mart stated.

"You know what they say about second place, don't you, Jakey?" Georgie asked.

"First loser," Beau said with an evil smile.

"Calum, you know what they say about getting knocked out in the semi-finals, don't you?" Ava asked.

"I don't believe they say anything, Aves."

"Not even good enough for a joke." Ava shook her head in supposed disappointment. "How sad..." she put her hand over her heart.

"Maybe this year, you'll make it fare enough to have jokes made about you." Calum leaned forwards slightly and put his hand out, palm up, like he was offering Georgie a present. He kind of looked like one of those fancy waiters who carried around the hors d'oeuvres at parties.

"Or at least have people remember your name." I offered, mimicking Calum's stance.

"Like they remember yours?" Georgie had a wicked gleam in his eyes. "What's that?" he put his hand to his ear. "Twice now, you've missed the winning goals in State." He shook his head. "That's some track record you got there, Jakey. I'm sure college scouts must be all over that." Georgie stopped short, thinking for a moment. "Wait. Are you even going to college now that you're having a kid and all?" I clenched my jaw so hard, I thought my teeth were going to shatter. I couldn't even respond, I was that mad. "Well, you boys have a nice hike. We must be on our way now." Georgie tipped an imaginary hat to us before he and his team ducked into the woods, avoiding us and the trail. I hope all of them broke an ankle.

"Cowards," A-Mart said as we watched them walk off.

"I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to see Calum staring at me. "You good, J?"

I let out a huff. "Yeah, you?"

Calum nodded. "It only took them three minutes for them to completely ruin my day."

"Let's just get back to hiking." I pressed START on my watch again and took off at a fast pace.

Derek collapse. Dougie puked. A-Mart had all but an asthma attack. And Calum and I were leaning on each other, trying to prevent our legs from giving out. Overall, it was a solid workout.

"Boys," I said between gasps. Calum grabbed my wrist and checked the watch.

"42:18!" Calum said, straightening up, causing a few whoops from some of the guys who had finally caught their breath. Everyone started clapping, causing heads to turn. All of the other people who were just trying to enjoy their hike and the view, looked over at us. This had become a weekly occurrence, so I'm sure some of the hikers had seen us before.

"I believe this calls for a little swim." Dougie wiped his hands on his shorts, which didn't help much.

"Alright, boys, before we head down, let's bring it in." Calum nodded, gesturing with his arms... kinda looking like he was hugging the air.

△

"Son of a bitch." I laughed, unwrapping the first of Derek's gifts. I held up a tiny hockey jersey, which looked like it would fit the stuffed animals Jules and I had received so far. How in the world was this supposed to fit a human?

"Derek, we're having a girl." Jules laughed.

"Sorry, the pink jerseys don't come out until October. Ya know, breast cancer awareness month and all?"

"A girl who's gonna play hockey?" Jules looked up at him. Ava cleared her throat.

"Uhh yes." He looked at Jules, as if she was delusional. "A girl who's gonna be a sweet hockey player." He nodded.

"She can do that in the fall. She's playing hockey in the winter though," Derek said. He turned to me and mouthed, "Best Uncle," while pointing at himself.

"You had to get her a Bobby Orr jersey? Nice to know how you feel about Wayne Gretzky." I punched him.

"The Gretz-man didn't even play for the Bruins! So... if she's gonna be wearing a Bruins' jersey, it's gonna be my favorite player." Derek punched me back.

"This is great, man. Really. Thank you." I stick my hand out as we did our handshake.

"I always got your back, Jake." Derek told me.

"Jake, honey, looks! It's a little pink elephant. How cute is that?" She handed me the stuffed animal, interrupting my bro moment with Derek.

"Perfect, all we need is the zebra and we'll have all the animals in the Savannah." I nodded, placing the elephant on top of the mound of animals, which was conveniently next to the tower of toys.

"Thank you, Derek," Jules smiled at him.

"Soon to be, Uncle Derek," he replied, getting a laugh from everyone.

"Thank you notes?" I asked Jules, nodding at the list that Ava was jotting stuff down on.

"Mhm."

"You're so smart." I said quietly to her.

"I know." A small smile crept onto her face. I kissed her cheek.

"Did you get that?" Jules asked Ava.

"Yep, binky, elephant, and hockey jersey from Derek.

"Uncle Derek!" he shouted.

"Uncle Derek," Ava nodded, making a note next to his name.

△

"'Build the crib,' she said. 'It'll be fun,' she said." I muttered as I jammed a panel into where I thought it belonged. Washer. Nut. Bolt. Fuck this. I took the panel out of the incorrect slot. I was now holding a piece of the crib in each hand. "Why can't you just build it yourself?" The panel in my left hand asked the panel in my right hand. "Because I'm pregnant!" I wiggled the panel in my right hand, pretending the two panels were having a conversation with each other. "Will you help me bring all of the gifts upstairs to her room?" The left panel asked the right panel. "No," it responded in an annoyingly high pitched voice. "Why not?" the left panel questioned. "Because I'm pregnant!" the right panel squealed as I threw it across the room.

There was a knock on the door and I looked up to see Dad standing there. "You, uh, want some help?" he asked me. I was so shocked, I couldn't even think about responding. And for the first time, he didn't seem utterly and horribly disappointed with my existence. We hadn't talked in two months and I wasn't sure if his disappointment was because Jules was pregnant or because we lost State.

I swallowed hard and cleared my throat. "Nah, I'm good." I looked back down at the crib, which was in shambles. For five months, my father had made my life a living hell—yelling at me during practice, ignoring at home, looking at me like I was the biggest screw up in the world.

"Don't be like that, Jake." He sighed, as if I was some kid throwing a temper tantrum. "Just let me help you build her crib."

"Oh, now you want to help me?" I looked back up at him to see him leaning against the door, shoulders slumped forward, hands shoved in his pockets. "Because for the past five months, I haven't existed to you." I held my hands out to say "what-more-do-you-want?"

"It was a mistake. I never should have shut you out like that. I—I just needed to process."

"You needed time to process? That's just great. Fucking great, Dad! I'm glad you needed time to process that Jules is having a baby. Don't mind me over here—the one who's actually gonna be having a kid. Nope, no. That's not important or anything." I clenched my hand into a fist.

"Jake," he closed his eyes, taking a few breaths. "I wanna be in this little girl's life. And your life," he said. "I needed time to process—to figure out—" he corrected himself. "That all the hopes I have for you, might not happen," he finished, his voice getting all tight. I had never seen my dad get like this before... emotional... or sentimental, or whatever the hell it was called. Ever. He was always the stone-faced, stoic type. Focused on hockey. This was a whole new side of him. I didn't really know what to do but I did know that all the anger I had been feeling dissipated.

"Yeah, sure."

"What?" he looked up at me.

"You asked if you could help build this thing."

Wordlessly, he took his hands out of his pockets and sat down.

"How was hockey?" he asked, like he was testing the waters.

"Good. We went for a run today." I nodded, trying to figure out which piece was panel A3.

"Up George's Gorge?" he picked up a wrench.

"Nah, Moose Mountain." I, once again, connected two pieces that I thought went together, but clearly didn't.

"Did Dougie throw up?" He shook his head when he saw what I was trying to put together.

"Yup," I nodded, giving a small chuckle. "We shaved two minutes off our time. Where are the stupid directions?"

"That's good! You went for a swim after right?" he asked. "We don't need directions."

"Absolutely. 86 and humid by the time we got to the top. Swimming was great." I nodded, picking up another piece of the crib. "This thing should come with directions." I threw the section of the crib down. It landed with a wooden clang on top of the other pieces. "We need directions," I said quietly.

And suddenly I wasn't so sure if we were talking about building a crib anymore.

"You didn't come with directions and you turned out just fine," Dad said, as he finally connected two pieces that actually looked like they went together. "We're Roswell. We do things our own way." Dad tightened a bolt. "Besides, directions are boring," he found two more pieces that went together and quickly threw a bolt and screw into them.

It was silent for a while before either of us spoke again.

We had about half the crib put together when Dad said to me, "Pink?" He was looking at the various paint chips taped to the wall.

"Pink," I nodded. I had tried to get the room painted green or something other than pink. But Jules being Jules wouldn't budge. So pink it was. Her reasoning for it: because I'm pregnant.