You say that you love rain, but you open your umbrella when it rains.

You say that you love the sun, but you find a shadow spot when the sun shines.

You say that you love the wind, but you close your windows when wind blows.

This is why I am afraid, you say that you love me too. —Bob Marley

_____________________________________

JAKE

DECEMBER // WEEK 1

I should have walked over to her, but my legs were locked, as if someone had put super glue between my muscles and joints. I was completely immobiliZed and my chest was tight like I was having trouble breathing, which saved me from actually having to say something.

If my life were a movie, this would have been the part where the main character said something clever, or witty, or thoroughly heart wrenching. Preferably he'd tell her something sappy and cute that would fix everything. Something like, "everything is going to be alright" or "we'll get through this together." The lead actor would tell his love interest that they would be happy because they love each other—and their undying love for one another was all that would ever matter. Then the movie would end and the director would roll a cheesy 'five years later' caption to show the couple with their blonde, smiling kid looking like the happiest, most perfect family in the world.

I seriously doubted my life would turn out like the character in the movie's life, mostly because I didn't love Jules. I didn't even know if I loved this baby yet. I'd never loved anyone besides my parents and the rest of my family... and now this baby was supposed to be my family whether I loved it it or not. I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to think of a response. 

Say something, Jake! Dammit! 

My grasp tightened around a few locks as I willed myself to speak.

I didn't tell her I loved her. And I didn't tell her everything would be okay. Because it wouldn't be. Because real life wasn't like the movies—it wasn't a fairy tale. My life as I knew it was virtually over. My hockey career... Done. Social life? Finished. I would be disowned by my parents if they ever found out.

I looked at Julianne. Seeing her standing there in my hockey shirt looking heartbroken, crestfallen, and scared shitless, reminded me of the time I missed the goal to tie the game up at States freshman year. I was 3 inches off the top right corner of the goal and had let everyone else down. 

Okay, stop thinking about hockey, Jake. That's not your biggest problem right now. 

Though, I wished it was.

"Come here, Princess," I whispered. Out of all the endless combinations of words in the English dictionary, that was all I managed say to her. I held out my arms and she crawled into them wordlessly, leaning her head on my shoulder. She still held her pregnancy tests in a death grip, like they were made of glass and she couldn't let them fall. I coaxed them from her tight fist and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her tiny body against mine. We stayed like that for God knows how long. I breathed in her everlasting scent of honeysuckle and tried to steady my mind. Jules was still sobbing when her dad burst into her room, causing both of us to nearly fall off her bed.

"Jesus Christ, Julianne! It's just a damn history paper, for God sakes!" he said throwing his arms out in front of him for emphasis. He turned towards me, with an angry scowl. "Would you calm her down, already? I have a conference call in five minutes. And put some food in her, dammit, Jake!" He shot me one last menacing glare before leaving, making sure to close the door extra hard. I highly doubted he had a conference call. Ten bucks said he just wanted to watch the basketball game downstairs.

Reason #22 why Jules's dad hated me: I didn't play basketball.

I sighed and drew easy circles on her arm, trying to get her to relax. Smoothing her hair, I forced myself not to let my mind roam ahead to future. Too late—it did anyways. All the arrows pointed to was a screaming child at 4am, a very irritable Jules, endless diapers, and us in a humongous pile of debt... living with her parents forever. I half jumped, startling Jules. "Sorry," I forced myself to talk to her.

"I'm scared," came her soft reply as she sat up and looked at me.

I stared into her ocean blue eyes trying to find some explanation for all of this. Why did this happen to me? I wasn't a screw up... was I? I pushed all of that out of my mind for now and focused on Jules and the B thing.

"I know," I answered her. I knew I was scared. And knowing that was about the only thing I was sure of. "Go grab the menu from the noodle place and we'll get dinner," I told her.

I really wasn't hungry. How could I have been? Then I reminded myself that Jules was now eating not only for her, but the B thing as well, so if we were getting food, it might as well be her favorite. I watched her walk across her room and stand behind her mahogany desk, which was stacked with school books and clothes, mostly pink. Jules rifled through some drawers and pulled out a wrinkled, tan brochure-like menu.

△

I lied on her bed with her head resting on my chest and my wrist resting on hers. We were watching Titanic, the longest goddamn romance movie ever created. They couldn't both fit on the door, alright? Jesus Christ. That's final. Physics says, "No," and all the hopeless romantics out there say, "Yes."

She rolled over to face me. "Hey." She gave me a small smile.

"Hey." I couldn't help but smile back at her. Jules had a very addicting smile. "Are we umm... keeping it?" I asked after a few minutes, unable to bring myself to say the actual word.

"Do you want to?" she asked me slowly. I couldn't believe that we were actually gonna have this conversation. Now? I was kinda hoping that she would avoid it. Couldn't we wait? Like forever? Okay, Jake. Man up. You promised yourself that you wouldn't walk out on her and this kid. I opened my mouth to tell her I was fine with whatever she decided.

"I think I want an abortion," she blurted out.

"No," I replied, completely forgetting what I was just about to say.

"But—" she attempted to reason with me.

"No! That is a kid inside of you. That is our kid! I want this kid!" I wanted to shout at her, but then I remembered her dad was downstairs. He usually took sleeping pills because his stressful "job" kept him from falling asleep. I hoped he took enough to overdose tonight. After I said the words, I couldn't take them back. I didn't know if I actually wanted this kid but I wasn't about to let Jules take the easy way out here. It got dangerously quiet in her room and my words felt like they were replaying over and over again off the walls. "Think about it. We can do this. You don't have to run from this, Jules." I found myself being that character in the movies telling his girlfriend that they could make this work. I hated those characters.

"No, Jake! I don't want this kid inside of me. I'm seventeen! I have a life and friends and I don't know how to be a mom or raise a kid! I can't do it." Tears started streaming down her face one by one as she shouted back at me.

I sat up, pulling her up with me. "You think I have any fucking clue how to raise a kid? I have a life and I have friends too, Jules! I don't just have 'How to be a Dad' books lying around my house that I read for fun!" I growled at her for being so selfish. She wasn't allowed to do this. She wasn't allowed to just walk away from this, not like everything else in life.

"You're not the one carrying a baby inside of you for nine months, watching as your stomach gets bigger and bigger each day and your clothes shrink and all of your friends ostracize you because you're that girl in the cafeteria. You won't have to walk down the halls everyday while students gawk at you and teachers glare at you for being a screw up!" She had some very good points, but there was a tiny life inside of her that was way more important that what everyone thought of her. And then it was quiet.

"I don't wanna end up like my mom," Jules whispered after a while. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders. That made me angry. To think that Jules would end up like her mother—who had Jules when she was eighteen—meant that she didn't have high standards. She was better than her mother. She had to be, even if she was going to have a kid at seventeen. I needed to believe that she was, but I couldn't bear to think what our future would be like if she was just like her mother. Jules couldn't be like her mom. She just couldn't.

"You won't, dammit. You're gonna finish school, Jules," I said trying to keep my voice down. I knew that I was only putting my foot down on this because I was terrified that I was going to end up like her father. Or worse, Coach Hawthorne. "I don't want to end up like my Coach," I mumbled.

I don't know why I was so intent on keeping this thing inside of her. I guess I wanted to prove to the world that I could make something out of this horrible situation I had gotten myself into. I didn't want to be labeled as just another screw up.

She looked at me intently. "I promise to not let you end up like him if you promise to not let me end up like her." Jules held her right hand out towards me with her tiny pinky sticking up. I wrapped my pinky around hers and we shook on it.

I wiped her face with the sleeves of my King High hockey sweatshirt. "We're going to get through this," I whispered as I put my forehead to hers, entwining our fingers. Jules nodded.

I wasn't sure if I love her or not, but I could learn to love her right? I could change. I was going to change for her. Not only did Jules deserve that much, but so did the B thing. It didn't occur to me that she needed to change as well. At that moment, her party-alcohol-loving personality didn't seem all that party, or alcoholic.

"I love you." I told her, which was a complete and total lie. I don't know who I was trying to convince, me or her.

She could only nod, like I did earlier. What if she didn't love me and we were both in this relationship now because of this stupid B thing? I put Titanic back on. End of conversation. Eventually, Jules fell asleep with her head on my chest and left me alone with my thoughts. Dammit. Hockey. Hockey. Hockey. Friends. Partying. Hockey. Sleeping. Grades. Eventually I fell asleep and had nightmares. There I was, all alone with this baby. Where the hell was Jules? This baby would not stop crying and I had no idea what to do. I did that bouncy thing like I saw in the movies. That didn't work either.

"Ahh-" I clamped a hand over my mouth as I woke with a start. God forbid I wake Jules up. One time I woke her up like literally 15 minutes earlier than she wanted, totally on accident, because I wanted to climb in bed and snuggle with her, never mind the fact that I brought her some breakfast... She not only physically kicked me out of bed, she didn't speak to me for two days. I had a bruise on my thigh for like two weeks! That fucking hurt! I even bought her flowers, dammit. I should have just broken up with her. Jules was not a regret in life I would later be smiling about.

I looked down to find her curled up in the fetal position, her back towards me, drooling slightly. I smiled a bit, trying to forget my nightmares. I was too freaked out to go back to sleep. I frantically searched around for my phone. Almost 3am. 2 new messages, from my guys on the hockey team.

Alex Martini 9:47pm: Hey man, are you still leading a Skills Session any time soon? Gotta show that Northie who's really captain of this team.

Derek Leighton 11:52pm: Jake, we gotta do that history project soon. I think it's due Friday. I can't fail Mr. Douglas' class. I barely passed last year.

I read A-Mart's message and totally freaked out. Completely forgot about that. I told the guys on the team last week that I would lead a skills session for anyone who wanted better stick skills. This Northie, Calum usually led the Speed Sessions since he was the fastest player on our team. He could beat any guy to the puck... backwards... on only his left skate. If Calum and I were the same person, which we used to, and you combine my stick skills with his skating, we'd be going pro straight outta high school.

Me 2:54am: Yeah I'm leading one next week, after practice. You gonna be there?

Then I got to Derek's message, which didn't come as a surprise to me. Derek had every right to be freaking out about Mr. Douglas' history class. He has a vendetta against every hockey player in this school. Not once have I received higher than a 91 in his class, and that's only because on the one project I managed to get an 'A' on, I was working with this girl Taylor who plays volleyball, which he just happens to coach. Needless to say, Derek and I were determined to get above a 91, but with two hockey players working together, the outcome looked kind of gloomy. I tried to keep my reply to a moderate "We're not screwed yet." response instead of a "We're completely fucked." one.

Me 2:57am: Dude, I know... Library during lunch, and block 4, then tomorrow after the skills session, my house. Relax man, we're gonna stomp this project like we did with the Evert game last week.

I just leaned against Jules' headboard and made an effort to remember how to breathe. She rolled over towards me. "Jakey," she mumbled half awake. Maybe if I stayed really quiet, she would think I was asleep and go back to bed.

"Jakey," her exhaustive voice surrounded me as she called for me again a bit louder, nudging my leg.

"What Jules?" I spoke quietly as I cursed myself for answering. I wished I was anywhere but here right now.

"Can you get me some coffee?" she asked staring at up at me through the darkness. My prayers have been answered. WWWGD? He would go get some coffee right now. It didn't matter that it was 3am.

"What kind?" I sighed. "The usual?" I cursed myself again for having such a generous, caring hero.

"No! I want..." she was now fully awake, sitting up cross legged. "Peppermint with a raspberry scone." she answered happily. I didn't even know they made peppermint coffee, but then again it was hockey season.

Three things wrong with what Jules just told me:

1. Jules hates peppermint anything.

2. Jules' coffee order usually takes me 2 minutes to recite to the employee. She has never had a one word, simple coffee order like the rest of the world.

3. Jules hasn't eaten carbs since 7th grade.

"Okay, Princess, I'll be back in bit. Try and get some sleep." I gave in to her wishes. Do this right, Jake.

The coffee shop just opened. Perfect... I got out of bed, tucked her back in with the remote, her cell phone, and her pink dog stuffed animal she calls 'bear' that she's had for like... ever. I searched around for my jeans in the darkness, praying that I wouldn't bang my shin on anything and wake her parents up. I felt the sole of my foot skim over the cool metal of my belt buckle. I quickly hopped into my pants and threw on one of my many warm up shirts for hockey, the kind we use when we run excessive amounts.

I murmured some goodbye to Jules and left without waiting for her response then quietly slipped out her window and down the tree, like I'd done so many times before.