Maybe there's something

You're afraid to say,

Or someone you're afraid to love,

Or somewhere you're afraid to go.

It's gonna hurt.

It's gonna hurt because it matters.

—John Green

____________________________________

KATIE

JANUARY // WEEK 6

I walked down the empty halls with Isabel after class. There were a a few students here for various clubs, but other than that, there was no one... The only thing I could hear was the cheerleaders shouting in the gym about being aggressive... or something about fences. What do fences have to do with sports anyway?

"Go to dinner with him. Hear him out, Katie," Isabel said to me. She always saw the best in people, which was understandable because nothing bad or tragic had ever happened to her. Her childhood and basically her entire life was daisies, smiles, and two parents with steady jobs.

"I don't want to." I shot her a look.

"Don't you want some answers?" Isabel inquired.

"Yeah, I do, it's just—" I tried to find the right words, but Isabel cut me off.

"You're afraid that they're not gonna be the answers you want to hear." Isabel said the exact words I had been thinking.

"Yeah..." I looked down at the dull white tiles, shoving my hands into the pockets of my sweatshirt.

"KitKat, if you don't go to this dinner, you're gonna regret it and it will keep you awake at night," Isabel said, solemnly and she was right. More awake than Jake Roswell? Or no heat? "Besides, it gives me a reason to finally do your hair and makeup and dress you up like a princess."

"I hate it when you're right." I grimaced at the thought of Isabel brandishing a curling iron.

"See you tonight, Katie." Isabel dismissed my comment before she went right, towards the parking lot. I, unfortunately went left, not towards the library. No, I walked straight past the library and down a few flights of stairs towards the locker rooms—towards my father.

Practice hadn't started yet because my father was still in his office, and I didn't know whether that was a good sign or not. The door was propped open with a hockey stick doorstop. Typical. I didn't even bother to knock because he didn't deserve that courtesy. I just walked in. No hello. No sitting. I got right to the point.

"So, where are we going to dinner?" I asked him crossing my arms.

He was so surprised by my appearance that he sat up a little straighter and dropped his pen. "We're going to The Castleton ," he told me, regaining his confidence. The Castleton was a classy, upscale hotel with a classy, upscale restaurant. And yes, it had plenty of classy, upscale people on business trips. Last time I checked, I wasn't classy, and I was pretty sure that having no hot water landed me just short of the "Upscale" category. When I didn't respond, my father's confidence wavered. "Uh, if that's okay with you." He tried his best not to stammer.

"What time?" I ignored his anxious nerves.

"I'll have a car pick you up at 8." He swallowed and then nodded, like everything was settled.

"I don't need a car to pick me up, Father," I said, restraining myself from sneering at him.

And with that, I turned on my heel, and walked out, trying to get far away from my father. Even though Jake Roswell was in the locker room a few feet away, I didn't slow down, or look back. The library was calling me.

I sat down at a rectangular table and opened my Calculus book, only to find the stupid note from my father staring back at me. I wanted to crumple it up in a ball and burn it, but I didn't have a lighter and my crumpling skills were subpar. I read the note over again. Dinner this week. Let's talk. Love, Dad. I didn't really want to talk to him, let alone even have dinner with him. I closed my Calculus book, hard, the sound bouncing off the walls and hanging in the air for a moment before dissipating.

Then I remembered that today was Thursday—the greatest day ever, and I suddenly felt all happy and warm inside. All the negative, angry thoughts about my father dissipated, because The Vampire Diaries was on tonight, which meant food, warmth, and Ian Somerhalder. And even though I was going to miss it because I had to go eat stupid, expensive food with him, I knew Isabel would tape it.

A boy dropped into the seat beside me, pulling me out of my Vampire Diaries haze. I was so shocked and startled that I just stared at him. The blonde haired boy stared back with a bemused look on his face. He leaned in real close to me and whispered, "Take a picture, babe. It'll last longer." His minty breathe wrapped around me in a calming sort of way, like a blanket.

I didn't even think before replying. "Yeah, longer than you in bed." The words flew out of my mouth before I even had a chance to swallow them. I tried so hard to stop my lips from curving up into a smirk. Then, I remembered that I was Katie Hawthorne—probably King High's last virgin—and I knew nothing about sex. I did watch The Vampire Diaries, so I wasn't completely clueless; however the smirk on my lips died as a wave of nervousness washed over me, causing the boy to laugh.

"I think that me and you are going to get along just fine," he began, but stopped when he saw confusion written all over my face. "Sorry, I'm Derek," he said, backing up and starting from the beginning. "I'm on the hockey team with Ava, and she told me that you could tutor me." Derek stuck his hand out. He had long, bony fingers, like a piano player.

"Katie," I replied, shaking his hand. I still couldn't get over the fact that Ava was on the guys' hockey team. "So..." I trailed off, dropping his hand in the process. "What do you need help with?" I felt so awkward asking that question.

"Enviro! The teacher is so boring. First of all, she's like, as old as dinosaurs, and she goes off on pointless rants talking about stuff we don't need to know. So it's safe to say that my notes are complete shit." Derek slid his notebook over to me.

"Wait," I stopped Derek. "Why aren't you in practice right now?" I asked him. "Won't you get in trouble?" Wow, I had been spending way too much time actually listening to Isabel's rants about the hockey team.

Derek looked around and over his shoulder to make sure that no one important was listening. "Cause I'm not doing so hot in Enviro..." he trailed off and glanced over at a girl across the room. "And because there's this girl in my class and I'm trying to get her to go out with me, but she thinks I'm just a jock, so yeah." Derek drummed his fingers on the table.

"Good to know I'm the only thing standing between you and a date," I gave him half a smile, trying to tell him that his secret was safe with me. "Why is the periodic table of elements in here?" I asked, tilting my head to the side, looking down at his notes.

"Pointless rant," he leaned over to look at a number scribbled in the upper left hand corner, "number 47." He nodded his head, confirming. "But I have to diagram the nitrogen cycle and present it to the class on Monday."

"Alright, let's start there," I said as Derek took out a few pieces of blank paper and a blue pen.

△

I loved The Castleton so much when I walked into the lobby that I hated my father even more for choosing it. Thank you Isabel for just dropping me off. If she had walked in with me, like she insisted a million times, she would have never left. A bellhop was instantly at my side, escorting me to the main dining room.

"Name?" the hostess asked. She looked pretty classy and upscale to me.

"Uhh, Hawthorne." I tried not to stammer as the hostess pointed to my table. She started to walk me over, but stopped when I didn't follow. "I'll be fine, thank you. I just need a minute," I said to her, completely lying. I took a few steps and smoothed my dress that would never have any wrinkles in it because Isabel had good taste when she went shopping.

Well, I saw my father. And after seeing him sitting with what I assumed was his family, the people he left me for, I marched—no—I stormed into the elaborate and very exquisite dining room of The Castleton like Black Friday customers in Target at 5am. I would have defined his family as "perfect," however, a certain person already had that label plastered all over his beautiful body. And no one could be as perfect as Jacob Roswell. I was sure of it.

The first thing I noticed were the two children sitting at the round table, which was covered in an elegant white table cloth. The little boy, who looked to be about four, was playing with a race car, pretending that his fork was a ramp. I watched as he launched his car off the ramp, landing it on the rim of his plate and knocking over his orange sippy cup in the process.

I turned my attention to the girl, and as soon as my eyes fell on her, I felt like ever molecule of oxygen had been sucked out of the dining room. Ava Castleton. She was sitting next to the little boy playing with the small black straw in her drink, which, to me, looked to be very much alcoholic.

She looked exactly like a replica of what I assumed was her mother, who was sitting across from her, next to my father. Her brown hair was pulled back into a tight bun. She had on a blue pinstripe suit, like she had just come from work, a job where she probably made tons of money. She was laughing amicably about something he said and I wanted choke her for it.

"How could you?" I said to my father all too loudly when I arrived at his table.

I had caused some people in the dining room to stare, but I was sure they would get over it. The wine they were drinking could pay a few of the bills at my house.

My father stood up abruptly upon my sudden arrival. "Sweetheart!" he said in an astonished tone, yet sounded excited to see me. Maybe that was the alcohol talking...

"What is this?" I said, gesturing to the table full of people.

"I thought we were having dinner." I said to him, agitated.

"We are." He nodded slowly, trying to figure out his next sentence. "This is my family. I was hoping they could join us," he replied with a smile, like his answer deserved a gold medal. "We can all get to know each other a little better."

"Why would I want to get to know the people you left me for?" I asked him, digging my nails into my palms.

"'Cause you might find out that they're not such bad people," he told me, defending his new family.

"You lied to me... again." I said, shaking my head. I remembered how he said it would only be me and him. "What makes you think I would want to have dinner with you AND your family after not speaking to you for five years?" I said through clenched teeth. "You really know how to take things slow, Dad. Father of the Year award." I gave him a thumbs up.

"Katie—" he began.

"I don't know why I let you do this to me." I cut him off, not really caring what he had to say.

"Do what?" he moved to take a step forward—towards me—but then though better of it.

"Come back into my life." I shook my head. "You clearly didn't want to be in it five years ago. I don't know what could have possibly changed." I couldn't stop my words from flying into him like knives, and I didn't want to. In fact, I wanted to throw them harder. A lot harder.

"I know," he replied and my head shot up to meet his gaze. I can't believe he just admitted that he didn't want to be in my life all those years ago. "I wanted to see you tonight, though."

"Why?" I barked at him as I walked around in circles. "Why did you want to see me after all these years?" I threw my hands into the air. Are you kidding me? I was beyond pissed off now.

"I want you to come live with me." he blurted out, which stopped me dead in my tracks. I assumed that's why he brought his family. "I'm here to tell you that I made a mistake." My father lowered his eyes to the floor. I was the Alpha in this unfortunate situation.

"You've had five years to tell me you fucked up." Ooops, just swore in a nice restaurant. Oh well. At least the other people here will have a good story to tell. "You've spent three years watching me walk those godforsaken halls you call a high school. Why are you telling me this now, dammit! It's been five fucking years..." I trailed off, letting a demonic laugh escape my mouth. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. My father's head shot up, like he couldn't believe that I was capable of making a sound like that. His little girl wasn't full of laughter and smiles anymore. All my laughter and smiles died at age 12, five years ago when he left me with my nightmare of a mother.

"I made a mistake," he gritted his teeth together, staring back. "I'm trying to do right by it." His gaze softened. "I have a family, Katie."

"Yeah I can see that." I stared past him momentarily to take in his perfect fucking family. "Cause the first one you had wasn't good enough!" I lashed out at him. I had every right to. He left.

"Things between me and your-r m-mother weren't — weren't working-g out." I watched him flounder around for the right words. "She was having p-problems when it c-came to alc-cohol; y-you know that."

"I didn't give a flying fuck that things weren't working out between you two, dammit! And those problems that she was having only got worse when you fucking left me with her! You left me with her! Guess who's had to take care of her because you left?" My question jabbed into him like a fish being speared for dinner. "You left me with her." My voice cracked. I refused to let him see me cry, especially in a really nice restaurant. "You walked away and forgot about me," I whispered in a deadly quiet voice. If my eyes could shoot lasers out of them, my dad would have been reduced to a pile of ash years ago...

"I'm here to take you with me now, honey." He didn't answer any of my questions and opened his arms for me to walk into. Those arms remained empty.

"Well you finally said those magic words, Dad," I spit his name out sharply. His eyes brightened, hopeful. "Except, one small problem, Father," I balled my hands into fists again. "Those perfect, little, magic words came out five years too late!" I shouted and I swear I heard some people gasp. Order some popcorn, why don't you? It's a real, live soap opera. I inhaled slowly trying not to lose control because I still had more to say. "Did you know I would sit on the front steps and stare at the end of our road, thinking you'd be driving down it one day to come and save me? I was so stupid and naïve." I shook my head and started to take steps away from the man who ruined everything. "I couldn't wait for ever, Daddy," I said softly. And with that, I turned my back on the one person who had shattered every ounce of hope I'd ever had. Father didn't follow me and for once I felt relieved.

"Katie," I heard Ava say to me softly. I don't know why, but I turned around and waited for what she had to say. "I'll walk you out," Ava said to me before my dad could say anything else that would tear me apart even more. She stood up gracefully, not even bothering to smooth out her dress, and tossed her napkin aside like she couldn't care less.

I looked past her for a moment and saw the one person I had hoped would never hear what I just said: Jake... having dinner with his charming girlfriend. I felt the dress I was wearing become four sizes too small. He and I locked eyes for a moment before Ava put her hand on my arm. I looked down at the ground taking a few deep breaths. Ava guided me away, but not before giving my dad a nasty glare. It took us 48 seconds to walk to the lobby, and Ava didn't even flip her hair over her shoulder once.

"C'mon, I know what's going to make you feel a million times better," she said taking my hand and leading me outside. Ava handed a little plastic circle with a number written on it to a guy dressed in a green vest and white shirt.

"What?" I took the bait, wanting to know.

"Drinking a shit ton of alcohol," she told me. "After what your dad did to you back there, springing us on you and everything," she said clarifying, "anyone would need a shot... or four. I heard what you said about your mom, but it's not like that every time a person drinks alcohol. It can be fun..." Ava trailed off. "Just think about it," she said.

A few moments later a sleek Audi pulled up. The guy in the vest got out of the car and flashed a smile at Ava before opening my door, then hers. "Besides, props to you for making a major scene in that restaurant." Ava laughed. "I hate that place," Ava laughed.

"Me too," I sighed.

"Thank you, Calum," she kissed his cheek and smoothed some of his blonde hair. "Come over to my house when you're done, kay?"

"I'll bring the whole crew, Aves," he held his arms up as he backed away from the car.

"They won't mind you just leaving in the middle of dinner?" I asked Ava, bewildered that she had the nerve to just get up and walk out of one of the nicest restaurants in town. Ava put her blinker on when we got to the end of the road.

"Mom will. Michael won't. Just like he won't mind if I invite a few friends over tonight," Ava said in a casual tone with a shrug, like she did this a lot. "Wanna pick up anyone?" Ava asked me. My mind instantly went to my other half: Isabel.