Darien Grace

I'd been fighting off the suffocating pain of loss and incompletion for weeks. I'd been able to avoid feeling anything for most of my life—the emotional block I'd existed behind had been easy... so goddamn easy. It had sheltered me and I'd taken it for granted. I'd abandoned it immediately, like it had been nothing at all. I'd chosen 'Otherwise' instead, and that had opened the floodgates to everything I had been right to fight off all of those years. No one should ever have to face the shattering realization of isolation and ruin. No one should have to know what it feels like to have everything in the palm of your hand and then to have it all slip away with one small gust of an ever-raging storm. No one.

I'd thought that the pain would devour me, swallowing me whole, so I swallowed bottle after bottle to try and escape. I tried every numbing agent in all of creation and nothing worked. Sure, there were a few hours where I felt absolutely nothing at all, but it wasn't right. If anything that emptiness was somehow worse. I knew that I should feel something. I knew that it was right to and that everyone else would. Why wasn't I like everyone else? Why wasn't I 'normal'? Why couldn't I have the perfect little family with the white picket fence and the token golden retriever? Why couldn't I have the loving boyfriend who would do anything for me, and I would do anything for? What had I done wrong?

I didn't understand the Universe's hand in everything. What had I done that had been so fucked up that it would stop at nothing to ruin everything 'good' and 'normal' that came into my life? Why couldn't I just be happy?

For years, I'd never been able to understand it, and the past few weeks had only made that confusion worse. It haunted my every waking moment. Why did everything I touch have to rot and decay?

None of that mattered now, though. I knew that it should, but it didn't. The second I heard their voices in the hall everything else disappeared. They were here. They had come for me. My family.

For the first time in over a month, I didn't fight the emotions. I let them wash over me and fill my soul. I didn't care if I was a burden to them. I couldn't care. I needed them too goddamn much. I needed them like I needed the air to breathe. I had been dying. I knew that now, but I'd been wrong of the cause. Pieces of my heart were being chipped away each and every day that I was forced to spend without the only people who would love me unconditionally. The Universe wouldn't take them away from me again. I wouldn't allow it. It had already taken my mother and my Otherwise; it wouldn't get anyone else.

I had to physically restrain myself from crying out when Jas launched herself onto my bed, unknowingly crashing her elbow against my still healing ribs. Tears pooled in my eyes as I held on to her as best as I could, holding her to my chest for fear that she'd disappear. She was warm. She was solid. She was real, and she was here. The missing pieces in my heart slowly began to fall back into place—bit by bit, fracture by fracture.

Closing my eyes, I fought to hug her tighter, the plaster around my left arm making it awkward, but neither of us cared. She'd yelled at me when she'd come in. Screaming and raging—she was everything that I needed her to be.

"I missed you too Jassy-kins," I croaked out, struggling to breathe under her weight and past the pain in my ribs. It wasn't until movement by the door caught my eye though that I completely lost it. Caleb stood just inside the doorframe, a strange expression on his face. A new pain filled my chest and I didn't fight it. I hadn't realized just how much I needed the McKenneys in my life. I'd always claimed that Caleb had 'saved' me, but I hadn't truly understood the depth of his benevolent influence until now.

Slowly, he stumbled into the room, his emotions reading clearly on his face, and it nearly broke me once again. He looked just as lost as I had been. I could see his demons clearly in his shadow rimmed eyes and sunken cheeks. I could see his loss and the clarity of it ripped through me. It was something I wished to never experience again.

"Caleb," I sobbed, wishing with everything inside of me that I could just move. I wanted him to hold me and tell me that everything would be alright. I wanted him to fight my demons for me and to chase away the faces haunting my mind. There were so many faces... so many demons. I wanted Caleb— no, my father—to save me. I wanted to go back to a time that hadn't existed for me; a time that Jas had gotten to live. I wanted to let my father hold me and tell me loved me and that everything would be okay because the monsters in my closet weren't real. I wanted it so badly, except my monsters were real. Mine were real and they were lurking around every corner. I'd run from them for so long but I was tired of running... so damn tired. I just wanted to stop and to be safe. Father's were supposed to make sure that their children were safe. Caleb was my father. He would save me again. I knew that now.

"Caleb." That one word ripped through me as he pulled me up and crushed me in his arms. Everything fell away—the pain, the worry, the loss, the isolation. They were here. My family was here. I was home. I was so goddamn complete. I'd never truly understood the definition of family until that point in time. I hadn't had a true chance to witness it. Sure, I'd lived with the McKenneys for the majority of my life and I'd called them my family, but I hadn't truly been able to comprehend just what that meant. No one other than family would fly thousands of miles at the drop of a hat. No one other than family would be able to fill you with that sort of absolution. I loved, and I was loved.

I didn't shrink away as his hands traced my face, my arms, my hands, my back. I trusted him with my life. I understood the need to ensure reality. I was doing the same thing with him. His lips pressed time and time again to my face and against my hair, hot tears slipping down his cheeks and mixing with my own.

"My baby girl. My sweet baby girl," he whispered, over and over again, each repetition more reverent than the last.

"You're here," I whimpered, "You're finally here. I missed you so much Caleb." I couldn't form any other words. My mind and my heart wouldn't allow for me to. Caleb filled my entire world. I didn't need anything else. My family was here. I was safe. I was warm. And I was loved.

* * *

It was well past noon by the time I finally woke up. Light was pouring into my small room, blinding me by its brilliance. I frowned; I knew for a fact that the curtains hadn't been open last night and that the staff was too indifferent to me now to even care to come into my room. The only one who even bothered with me anymore was Leala and she knew better than to open the curtains. She was just as moody as I was when it came to light in morning. It didn't matter what time of day I woke up—anything immediately after I opened my eyes was considered 'morning.'

"Morning sleepy head," I jumped at the familiar voice before everything came flooding back in an overwhelming warmth. Caleb and Jas were here. My family was here. The logical half of my mind hadn't surfaced yet making my response come out as a muffled, moaning grunt. "There's my girl," Caleb laughed, shaking his head while reaching down next to him to retrieve a paper cup. I swore I almost died at the sight of the seductive green mermaid printed on the cardboard sleeve.

"Jesus Christ, Dari! How the hell did you manage to get put up in a five star hospital?" Jas asked, skipping back into the room. I had to do a double take. I swore she'd just jumped in from the window. What the fuck?

"Balcony," Caleb laughed, no doubt catching my shocked expression. When the fuck did I get a balcony?

"No wonder you were MIA for over a month. This place is just... wow," she gushed, running up to me. I swatted her away the second her hand came anywhere near the liquid vitality I was clutching like my life depended on it... because it did.

"Don't you fucking dare."

"You should be happy to see me Princess. I'm the only reason we're here right now. Tech-Impaired over there can't figure out how to work Google," she laughed, a smug grin curling her lips.

"Google?"

"Yeah, he had a major panic attack because the guy at the bank didn't tell us your exact location." She shrugged, taking advantage of my distraction to pluck my cup out of my hands and dancing away from me before I could recover. "The brilliant one in the family though, decided to google the hotel on your bank statement and Viola! Here we are!"

"Great. You're brilliant. Now give me back my goddamn latte before I bash you over the head with this," I growled, lifting my casted arm in the air the best I could.

"Wow, you're acting like I just kidnapped your first born. You do know that it isn't actually Starbs right? The closest one is in like another city. We just kept my cup from JFK."

In that moment, I swore I could have murdered her without a second thought. She seemed to read my mind and immediately began backing away, holding her free hand and that damned joke of a cup in the air.

"It does have coffee in it though!" She squeaked, looking furiously to Caleb for assistance. He just shook his head, grinning while he watched her squirm. "It's really good, I promise. It's better than Starbucks!"

"You really are trying to piss me off," I growled.

"Dad!" She whined, running to stand behind him.

"Maybe if you actually let her have the coffee, your life wouldn't be in danger."

"If I even get close enough to her she will break my neck."

"So what are you going to do? Throw it at her?"

"No, you're going to give it to her."

"You started this. You're finishing it."

"Dad!" She groaned, drawing out the single syllable word until it reached the length of that ridiculously long shit that you could only find in Mary Poppins.

"Nope."

"You are no help at all," she snapped, hedging closer to me by a matter of centimeters.

I refused to reach for it until she was right by the bed. I waited until she couldn't possibly get any closer to snatch the cup from her hands,"Boo!"

She shrieked and jumped halfway across the room. I watched her struggle to recover with a smug satisfaction while Caleb laughed openly at the two of us.

"I take it back. I didn't miss you at all," she huffed out, ruffling her loose blonde curls.

"Mhmm, sure you didn't. That's why you're wearing my jacket," I said, eyeing the worn black leather from across the room.

"What? This old thing?" she aske, caressing the fabric, "I just didn't want it to get lonely." She shrugged, smiling innocently back at me.

"Oh, and I'm guessing the rest of my closet got lonely as well?" The more I studied my sister, the more of my own clothes I saw. Not only was she wearing my favorite jacket, but a pair of my Steve Madden studded booties, ripped black jeans, and one of my hammered sterling statement necklaces.

"So very lonely."

"Yeah, sure. I don't supposed you brought any of my clothes for me to wear, did you?"

"What? Why would we do that when you look so fucking fantastic in your little hospital gown? Open backs are totally in right now." She said, reaching out to mess with the thin cotton sleeve. I swatted her hand away, glaring at her.

"Yes, we brought you your own suitcase," Caleb said.

"Those shoes better make it back into it."

"We'll see. Now, what's with your hair?" she asked, clear distaste coloring her voice.

"What do you mean?"

"It's red, you have two and a half inch roots, it looks like you wash it with grease, and just... No."

"Wow, Jas, tell me how you really feel."

"Oh believe me, there are more than a few other adjectives that I was avoiding."

"Mhmm."

"No, but really. Why red?"

"I don't know."

"It's not a permanent thing, is it?" She scrunched her nose up at the idea, her frown deepening the longer she stared. She reached forward to lift up one wavy tendril by the tips of her fingers before dropping it again.

"I don't know, Jas, I think I kind of like it," Caleb mused, doing his best to subdue his humor.

"Oh dear lord, no."

"I think it suites me," I said, teasing her further.

"They obviously have you on far too much medication. You've absolutely lost it."

"Good to know you have so much faith in me."

"Good to know that you're still a raging bitch."

"See, it's like I never even left." I couldn't stop my grin from matching hers, sipping slowly on the coffee. Sure, it wasn't a caramel macchiato, but it wasn't the sludge the hospital had been trying to feed me either.

The majority of the next two days passed in the same fashion. Caleb had gotten a room at a nearby resort for him and Jas but he rarely, if ever, left my room. He insisted upon sleeping in the recliner in the corner even though he was paying nearly seven hundred dollars a night for a suite less than ten minutes away. Jas continued to insist upon wearing my clothes. Her logic requiring that 'someone wear them since I couldn't'. She was absolutely insane.

She definitely peaked on the third day though, because she came rushing in, a large brown paper bag in her arms, "Okay! I've had enough of that horrid rat's nest you claim to be your hair. I ran down to the shops and got some supplies. We're fixing that shit, now."

She didn't even give me time to respond before she practically pulled me from my bed and into the adjoining bathroom, plopping me down in the chair that Caleb wheeled in.

"Now, I know that it isn't Goldwell, or some swanky Italian shit, but the box looked fun and it was the only purple they had. Beggars can't be choosers and believe me, sweetie, you're begging."

"What if I don't want to go back to purple?"

"Oh honey, you don't know what you want. Luckily for you, I do. Now, hold still. I heard this 'Splat' shit stains like a mother fucker, and I know that you don't want to tie-dye these beauties." She motioned down to yet another pair of my shoes—my Disorder by Louboutin booties.

Jas hadn't been lying when she said it was notorious for staining. Everything was a deep and vibrant violet- my entire scalp, parts of my neck, and her hands where the cheap gloves had split open. Bits of the dye had slipped out of our control and had even stained the white tiled floor of the bathroom. I could already imagine the next unlucky orderly's face to check my bathroom. Jas helped me shower, washing the dye out as best as we could, but the hospital's once fluffy cream-colored towels were now varying shades of pink and purple.

"I hope they didn't want to keep these," she said with a laugh, kicking the now ruined towels to the side before helping me into a pair of yoga pants and one of Caleb's New York giants t-shirts.

"That will probably be the least expensive thing on my tab. Now help me get this shit off my face," I groaned, glaring at the mirror as I struggled to rub the dark purple stains off of my cheeks. Jas had obviously chosen the right career path as she was shit with controlling her hands and using them for anything other than motioning when she was talking. The entire time she had the bottle of purple dye in her hands she had been talking, and talking meant gesturing, and gesturing meant dye flying everywhere. She'd even managed to get it in my eye... my fucking eye! Her intentions were good, but she was a walking disaster and by some act of every god in heaven the vicious pigment managed to avoid my thousand dollar, black leather booties.

It was so damn surreal looking in the mirror and seeing the vibrant hue again. It was as if two versions of myself had been crashed together in a strangely engaging oxymoron. Strength battled for dominance over weakness, pride pitted against humility. The girl in the mirror was definitely the creation of two completely separate halves being forced to live in cooperation with one another. They were both so incredibly used to living independently that this new sense of partnership felt unseemly.

At the same time though, it was as if part of myself had come back. My chest felt oddly lighter. I could breathe a bit easier and I felt more whole than I had in months.

"What is it?" Jas clicked the blow dryer off, staring intently at me through the mirror as I struggled to gather everything I felt in an attempt to understand it.

"I don't know. It's strange," I muttered, reaching a tentative hand up to inspect one of the mostly dry tendrils in the light.

"Well, you definitely look more like yourself. Red is not your color." I couldn't do anything but hum in response. It was impossible to deny the vitality the color alone seemed to possess. It was strong and prominent and bold. It was everything that Ren Grace had been, but I hadn't been her for so long. Sure, pieces of her had been floating back to me, but she was still so far away. I knew that it had always been an act, but now it was so much harder to keep up than before. It had come naturally to me for years; I'd never even noticed the truth behind the lie until it was gone. Part of me wanted to just go back to that simplicity, to fall back into my old pattern and just exist, but another part of me—a stronger part refused. That part wanted to live. It wanted to actually make the decision as to who I would be. It didn't want to live someone else lie. It wanted to be strong and bold, but it also valued the self-reflection that I'd been subjected to for the past several weeks.

I was at a crossroads. It was time for me to choose who I wanted to be and how I wanted to live my life. I knew that I couldn't go back to the harsh desolation I'd lived in. I'd run into the light and I'd been blinded by it. I'd let someone in and I'd been hurt by it. I'd lost so much, but I'd undeniably gained so much more. Leala had told me that I needed to figure out what I wanted in life. She'd told me to decide whether I wanted to give in or whether I wanted to fight. I had been so ready to give in because I'd believed myself to be alone. I wasn't though. I had never been alone. I had my family and that's all that mattered. If my life had taught me anything it was that I was a fighter. It didn't matter what name I chose, they were all the same. I was made up of all of the shit that had happened to me and I'd somehow managed to come through it. I was Darien Grace and I'd be fucking damned if I gave up now.

A/N: Bet y'all thought I forgot, huh?

NOPE.

I'm here to stay, my loves!

Now, tell me whatcha thought!

AND I have now decided to take a note from the famouxx handbook. The most active readers (commenting, voting, sharing, etc) will receive cameo roles in the story as Dari's narrative progresses. You have to comment, if you want me to write you in. I have to get to know at least a small bit of your personality if I hope to do any of you justice.

See all of you beautiful angels next time.

--xE (Elle out, Cunts)