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I have buried before

I have died before

I have shelved before

I have lost before

one sound of the magnetic ocean and the world would fell apart,  one word from yours can sheer me apart

I tried to scribble the word when my mind was not in the state to do anything, I was feeling terrible; devastated to be more precise to say.

I was not supposed to make myself a laughing stock ahead of any men and the frivolous thing I ever did I stumbled on one.

especially to that man who considered me nothing.

I know nothing can be a precise word if you have to describe someone, but how can a living creature inhaling oxygen every day can be considered nothing.

the world can never be considered seldom and any woman with sanity in her mind is the heart of the world who can never be considered frivolity.

I know the world can't be described in a sentence, my life or anybody's life can never be described in a sentence.

he asked me who am I?

what is my identity in this world?

and what should I say to him? how can I describe myself as subtle to a man who considers other dreams as nothing?

I don't know who am I?

maybe I am just a girl

and what can a world expect from a young girl?

"Jessica, come down right now!" I heard the shivering voice of my mother. her voice was like a volcano to my heart, shivering me from head to toe.

now, what I did do wrong?

the last night I remember Abhimaan Kapoor handed me well to Aman and Sanaya when they were too busy eating the free food.

I mean they didn't care about where I was and got engulfed in free food? what kind of behaviour was that?

I was drunk last night, I have not ever drank alcohol before and the man who saved me from falling for the first time was the one who gave me the cup which had alcohol in it.

"Jessica?"

"coming" I responded in a second while tucking my shirt under my pants. I ran when I was struggling to find a pointed pen to embellish the words in the notebook.

I ran

again

in a hope that some things will change again and I don't have to be a frequent one. outside the weather was alarming, monsoon has arrived as its 10'o clock in the morning but I could feel the dark stormy cloud containing depths as the ocean has taken over the world.

Sunday was always the soothing one to collect my thoughts and sometimes I wonder what life is? if we have to wait for a specific day to feel ourselves again?

life cannot be defined in a single parameter, how can you define something which you don't even understand?

the myths, the struggle, the pain, the regrets, the heartbreak, the failure, the love, the death. everything curled up with sorrow is waiting for you everywhere to hide.

I ran downstairs only to see Abhimaan Kapoor and his father was having an immense conversation with my father while drinking tea.

what is he doing here?

his jaw was curled and his chest was puffed, there was no hint of weakness in his eyes as he was born yesterday to rule the world. there was now an expression on his face, he was stoned and I didn't say anything to him nor did he look in my direction.

but why does my mother call my name? why does she want me to invade their privacy?

"come, Jessica," my mother came to my side while grinning face as she has never been happier before.

what's wrong with her?

do we need to pretend we are happy even when we are not?

do we have to become what we are not?

"greet them in a most admirable manner of yours," she slightly whispered into my ears.

but why would I? and what the hell I am doing here?

"But why?" I hissed in a low tone so that nobody could ever hear from us.

"There is no way! do as I say they are our guests and if we didn't greet them well then they will consider us obnoxious creatures of this planet.

"let them consider us what they want then! after all, we can't change everyone," she eyed me for what I uttered and glared at me as I am not a human anymore as I have suddenly transformed myself into an alien.

"Mr Kapoor, what a pleasure to meet you again," my mother smiled when her eyes were sparkling bright in the shadow of darkness.

"Mrs Anita Mehra, pleasure is all yours,"

they greeted each other and joined their palms to do namaste while I was bottled up in clusters due to the sound of thunderstorms invading my mind.

when she glared at me hard from his side glance I gulped in horror and greeted him too and to his son of course. I am not the uptight here who will ignore his presence if he is the devil to me.

he didn't even look at me. the stone face with those sea-green eyes was paler than ever before. what does he even think of himself?

I clearly remember the last night when he insulted me. well, let him do whatever he wants because nobody practically cares about him.

"so Jessica, what do you aspire to become?" his father raised one of his eyebrows and asked me the most abducent question which shrieked me from head to toe.

and the tiny little involvement of lucid mind his penetrated gaze rested on me once again to seek intriguingly deep inside my eyes as eyes are the only element he has to express of himself.

"to become a human,"

silence. deep silence, the silence that could cut the ocean in parts was thriving my soul damagingly, the silence that could collapse the whole desert was lurking in my mind, silence which was once a radiator now has become a part of gutter was there for me to make me fall apart.

his father chuckled, "well are not you enough?"

"no, I am not!"

"How can you be not? you are here alive in this room in a form of a human having a conversation with me. how can you say you are not human enough to exist?"

"I have not experienced anything,"

"so you mean to say if you do not experience anything you cannot be a human enough to live?"

I wanted to speak and gave him a curt reply but Abhimaan Kapoor's eyes were sinking in their passion.

what's his problem?

does he want me to look down? does he want me to get affected by his stare so that I can look away somewhere where the sun doesn't shine anymore, does he want me to step back so that he can consider himself the ruler.

wanting and occurring are two different things and this is not going to transpire, never in my life again.

I looked back at him

"How can you be considered a human if you have not experienced the Cascading affection of love, the pain of departure, the only night which doesn't hide, the regret that resides for the lifetime, the failure of cultivation, the hope of spring, the only epitome of love. a person without these emotions can be considered as a robot and I decline to live like a robot when I have a life to live,"

my mother was of course ashamed of what I have spoken as my father was too.

therefore, she sent me to fetch breakfast so she could change the topic and reduce the absurdity of my words which is going to haunt them for the rest of their lives.

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