I pause and stare at Remi. Thoughts rush through my head like a hurricane, as I debate what to tell him. A lie or a lie? Deciding that is very important. I have to choose the lie that he will believe more. Right?

So I pick a lie. "She's this girl I met when I was volunteering at the orphanage. She's my favourite."

He nods and doesn't look at me. "Oh, you volunteer? I wasn't aware that you are so virtuous."

I sigh. Am I really that horrible to everyone? Reflexively, my face twists into a grimace. Seeing the look on my face, Remi sighs and assures me "Just kidding."

It hadn't really felt like a joke.

Slapping a smile on my face, I nod and say cheerfully "I know." Then I change the subject because I can't bear to keep up my smile anymore. His cloud is less dark, so I ask-slash-comment "You seem happier today, huh?"

"Yeah," Remi says quietly. "I guess I'm just thinking that maybe I should be a kid again. To just live in the moment and be happy. Not get caught up in the past. Sometimes I think the past entangles me too much, renders me unable to move and cry for help. I want to be past that, to let go of the threads from the past, and not let history define me any longer."

My voice fails me when I hear that. I've been living in the past, and I don't want to stop, ever. But wait- why are we talking so deep? I'm supposed to just be scamming him!

Thus I say quietly "Yeah. Sometimes I want to not have to worry about the future. About whether I have enough money to live like a human."

"What do you mean?" As expected, he falls for it, hook, line, and sinker.

Sighing, I bow my head and mutter, fiddling with my jacket, "I haven't been able to pay my rent for two months."

Remi frowns. "Oh. That's solved easily."

"How?" I ask. Obviously he's going to say: don't worry, I'll give you the money.

Alright, not obviously. Because that idiot, that twat, says "Kill the landlord."

"Stop it," I groan. Inwardly I can't believe my ears. He isn't as dumb as I thought? Also, what kind of person tells about killing so easily and frankly? Remi is messed up...

He laughs. "Well, seriously, good thing you're working for me. I pay you once a month, don't I?"

Clenching my fists, I rush to catch up with his long strides. I'm shaking with anger, but I guess he doesn't care. He probably takes delight in making me miserable. And even though he thinks I can't pay my rent, the lovely human being Remi isn't going to pay for me, oh no. He's just going to give me my salary and be done with me.

To make things worse, after I get back home at about 1am, having taken a furious walk around the neighbourhood park in an effort to calm down- not exactly wise for a woman to walk around alone in the dark, but I just had to let off some steam- I get a call from lovely old Kent.

"Well, are you making any progress? Ot I might just fire you," he greets me.

"Hey, look here, Boss, you're just sitting around doing not-" I pause abruptly.

Right, he could fire me and make my life a living hell. Because Kent does have influential friends in the mafia, in the mobs, and in the gangs in our town. Surprisingly, he has friends everywhere. And they would stop at nothing to beat me up if he told them to, because that's how loyalty works.

I do admire that aspect of the gang life, but nothing else, because it's really just violence and drugs. It's awful. And yet I am sort of in a seedy gang business thing myself. No, it isn't like that. I am fuelled by desperation, the need to make quick money. At least I still have my self worth, at least I haven't gone to sell my body. At least I am still Angel.

I force my tone to be sickly sweet. Like medicine that is labelled "cherry flavoured" but really tastes like your boss's vomit. That's me now, disguising my tone as sweet when I really feel annoyed. "What I meant was, I just need some more time. He's slowly opening up to me," I lie.

"Oh?"

"Yes," I confirm easily, lie after lie spewing out of my mouth like the water pipe that's leaking in my room.

Kent grunts and says "Uhhhh, I'm gonna drink now, over and out!"

"Over and out," I bite out every word, rolling my eyes. "Screw him," I mutter.

"Me?" Jay's delighted voice comes on.

I shriek and fall backwards in shock, crashing onto a chair. "Jay, you idiot!"

Jay laughs. "Are you okay, little clumsy girlfriend?"

G...girlfriend? I swallow. I can't even think of that yet. It's wonderful, and yet all fairytales end in tragedy. And the fact that I can see tragedy, that tragedy is a tangible, real thing to me, is especially painful. I feel it ten times over, because I see sorrow too.

"Yeah," I force out.

"Are you sure?" He asks. "Do you need me to come over or anything?"

"Aren't you with Boss? You should probably keep him safe. He goes bonkers when he's drunk." A convenient excuse and I know Jay knows that I said that on purpose, because he pauses. I hear his light breathing from the other end and he finally says quietly "Okay."

I don't mean to push him away. I just don't know how to show that I have liked him since I was eight and he was nine. Years of hidden feelings have accumulated in my heart until they have fused with it, and now I cannot show them without baring my heart. I can't do that.

It is with a heavy heart and head that I finally flop asleep.

---

My dreams are consumed with Jay, and not for the first time. It's when we first met.

"My name's Angel, what's yours?" he said, holding out a hand, but not quite looking me in the eye.

"You're Angel?" I giggled, the sunlight shining on both of us warmly. It felt good on my back, like I was illuminated in fire.

The nine year old boy blushed a deep red, and mumbled "I meant, I'm Jay."

"So you knew my name," I deduced happily, clapping my hands in glee. An after thought struck me. "Then why did you ask me my name, Jay?" The name was unfamiliar on my tongue, like the first time I had tasted honey, sweet and thick. Yet it felt right when I said it aloud.

He stared at me in a daze and then said quietly "I...I don't know how to talk to girls." Shyly, my new friend looked down and fingered the string on his basketball shorts.

I laughed merrily. "Jay, it's okay! Let's just play together. I've been lonely for so long, playing by myself. No one talks to me in school. You're the first person after..."

---

I jerk awake. Somehow my brain does not allow me to remember her, even when I am sleeping. She had been beautiful. I miss her so much. She had been the loveliest friend I'd ever had.

And then I find that I am late to my job. Laughing nervously, I race to pull on my clothes, my socks, to brush my teeth hurriedly in the mirror and run a comb madly through my tangled weeds of hair.

I run out only to find a sleek black Porsche waiting for me. The window rolls down. "You're late," a grumpy and signature voice says.

"Remi, hey," I say sheepishly. "So how did you find where I live?"

He looks away and huffs. "Obviously from your application form. This is a very sleazy area, by the way. Hardly a place for you to stay in."

"Oh. Well, I have many reasons for living here. One, the rent is cheap and certain people cannot afford to buy even a second hand car, much less a Porsche, so such people have to make do with cheap flats, and two-" I begin my rant, trying not to let my temper show, but am cut short.

"You're late. Let's go. Hope you packed for a long journey," he says curtly.

"Excuse me?"

"I have to go to the next state. Since you're my driver, isn't it natural you drive me?" Remi huffs.

"Uh- can I run up and pack?"

Remi flips open his black notebook and says "No time for that. I have planned my day out thoroughly and cannot allocate any time for your frivolous packing. Please just get in, damn it."

Grumbling, I open the car door and slam it as loudly as I can. It's so loud that the second floor neighbour sticks his head out of the window and yells, head bobbing up and down in fury, "Shut up!"

"Back at you!" I scream back, and roll up the window, a satisfied smirk on my face.

Remi just sighs. "Okay. Okay. Calm down.  She's just a young immature kid."

"Hey, dude, when's your birthday?" I ask him curiously. "How old are you now? I am not young and immature, you blistering barnacle."

Remi bites his lip. "Well, my birthday is on the 29th of February. I'm twenty seven this year."

"Wow, Remi, you're a leap year?"

He nods. "Next year will finally be another leap year. Then I can truly celebrate my birthday."

"Sad life," I say cheerfully.

He shoots me a cross look and we lapse into silence. Honestly, it's not like in stories where the silence is all comfortable. It is painfully awkward and I find myself searching for conversation topics.

"Have you eaten?" Remi is the first to break the silence by asking.

What do you think? I was late for my job. I roll my eyes in response. Tersely, he says "You don't have to show me attitude, Angel."

"Why not?" I shoot before I slap my hand over my mouth. "Sorry, I'm working on being polite."

Remi cocks his head and looks at me, but I ignore him. He leans forward and gets into my peripheral vision, trying to catch eye contact. When that doesn't work, he says "Food!"

"Where?" I cry. Then when I see it's just him, I roll my eyes. "Thought you had an actual snack."

"So you haven't eaten?"

"Stop it. You're making me have a headache," I mutter. Remi frowns, but says nothing. I hate small talk. It's a waste of time and always awkward and about things I never give a crap about. I brake at the red light but barely have time to take a swig of water before the light turns green.

"Drive the damn thing!" Remi shouts.

"Shut up! Trying!" I spin the wheel wildly and the car zooms three lanes to the left. I smile. "Perfect driving skills right there. Kids, try this at home."

"Angel," Remi reproaches, but he's smiling slightly. "You'd be a fun mum, but not a good one."

"So?" I retort, and then sigh. "Sorry. Sorry. Ugh. I'm trying. Okay. Yup."

Remi lets out a puff of air and allows a small smile to appear on his face. But I see something very wrong, and I can't concentrate on his words. The world seems to tilt on its axis and spin, and the only thing I see is that.

His words finally slither into my brain, and when they do, an immense pressure seems to crush my brain from all sides, pushing in and squeezing until I have nowhere to hide or move.

"Sometimes you should just be yourself." He is saying.

But what is awfully wrong is that Remi's sorrow goes dangerously high.

His cloud is the darkest shade of black I've seen, the colour of villains' hearts, the colour of poison.

What happened?

The most awful thing of all is that Remi has a smile on his face. This can't be happening. Am I seeing his sorrow correctly? Why is he smiling and yet feeling sad?