I don't understand, how could Gally say he had my back but act the way he does? How can he say he believes in me when he didn't even ask me what happened. I was laying on the ground in the middle of a broken ladder and roof. Could he not tell I was in pain? How could he not understand that his actions have consequences? He had to be smarter than that...right? I understand when he says they can't treat me different... I would love for them to treat me like a Glader...but in their twisted version of it they treat me like a contagious disease or something they can pick on.

Gally's way of thinking just didn't make any sense. He says one thing, and then does the opposite. I think that's what hurts the most, because I can see the kindness and the gentleness there, and he shows it, just enough to keep me around, and then his actions crush that. But why would it hurt so much? Would I be this upset if Frypan or Fred did that? Or Newt? Maybe... but this pain seems deeper, harsher. I don't know how to sort this all out, its so complicated, but it shouldn't be.

For the first in the Glad, I let myself cry. I can only shove down my emotions for so long. I hate it here. I hate the boys. I hate these Creators and I hate my life. Newt held me while I cried. He didn't say anything or try to reason with me. He didn't tell me to suck it up and toughen up. He stayed quiet. I didn't cry for long, and when I finally turned to sniffs and shuddering breathing, I righted myself with great difficulty. My ribs felt like they were on fire. I groaned. Newt helped me sit up and lean against the wall.

His big brown eyes were so full of concern and care it made me feel safe, at least one person here actually cares. Well maybe a few more.

"Are you okay, Love?"

I sniffed one last time and used the heel of my hand to wipe the last of the tears. Taking a big slow shuddering breath, I nodded.

"I guess you can't keep emotions bottled up for too long." I chuckled sadly, holding my ribs.

"No. It isn't healthy."

He patted my knee, as he shifted to sit beside me leaning against the wall. We both looking to the opposite wall. I leaned my head back and closed my sore tired eyes.

"Shuck feelings suck." I muttered.

Newt chuckled sadly. "It makes us human."

"I don't want to be human then. It sucks."

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked quietly, "I know your not happy. Anyone with eyes can see that...and I worry about you."

I laughed bitterly. "You the only one."

He turned his head sharply towards me, even with my eyes closed I could picture his disapproving look.

"That's not true!"

I snorted.

"No! I know a handful of shanks who genuinely care! Alby. Minho. Frypan. Fred. Vinny."

I stayed quiet.

"But I think..." He started quietly, thoughtfully. "There is more to this. I think you want a certain shank whom you would like to show his care a bit more."

I sighed, my shoulders slumped.

"It's complicated Newt. I've been her for like a week, half that time I've been in this shuck room. But... I don't know! Sometimes I think I can see the kindness, and its easy to be around him...but most of the time I want to punch his stupid beautiful face! He just makes me so...angry!"

Newt just hummed, waiting for me to continue.

"He said he had my back, said he believes in me..." I scoffed, "but he has a twisted way in showing it." I paused, looking down, I could feel the tears forming again. "I just wish his actions matched the half hearted apology he threw in my face. And that was only after I call him out of his bull shit and he found out Minho had come to say hey."

Newt didn't say anything, just hummed again.

"I don't know Newt!"

"Well..." He started slowly, "I don't want to excuse his behavior, 'cause it has been bloody awful. However he is a hard one to crack, even before the changing, he wasn't one to express emotions, he kept them bottled up, like you. And the changing really jacked him. He's the only one so far that has successful made it through and is still here. But I agree with you Love, if he says he does in fact have your back, his actions should match that. Did you tell him?"

I scoffed, "Newt...did you ask if I told him he was a hypocrite and a jackass?"

Newt chuckled, "Sorry, Snips. I forgot who I was talking to, of course you did."

He chuckled again, then sighed, his face falling into a sad tired expression. He ran a hand through his hair.

"Well, if you told him, and what you expect then hopefully he will change his behavior. If he actually means what he said, then he'll do something about it. He's a stiff and ridged person, but he always keeps his word. You just throw him for a loop. All of us for a loop."

"Thanks Newt. Sorry for going all...girly on you."

He chuckled again. "Feelings, emotions and the angry hopelessness is something I understand. And if I can be of help...then I'll bloody be there. I care about ya Charlie. Your a good kid and have had a rough time."

I just nodded my head and reached over and held his hand. His were big, callused and warm. His large hand covered my small one. He gave mine a squeeze.

"Hang in there Girly, it will get better. Hang in there."

____________________________________________

WICKED is good. Everything is going to change.

Charlie! I can't keep talking, they are getting suspicious.

WICKED is good!

Hang in there. Be you and it will change.

Everything will change! You were made to be The Disruption, the Scapegoat.

Agree to Minho's request. Show them who you are and what you can do, like you did before.

My eyes shot open. I was breathing like I had just finished running a marathon. The weird dreams were getting worse. The buzzing in my head was still going, I felt like there was someone else inside my head. Could they read my thoughts? But who is it? Am I just going crazy? But...why does it feel safe? This weird presence feels...familiar.

You know me. Trust me Charlie.

I screamed and leaped out of bed, but landed in with a thump in a pile of blankets on the floor. What the actual shuck? There was a voice in my head! My head was buzzing more, like a vibrating phone.

Are you my conscious?

I thought sarcastically, knowing that was ridiculous. my conscious was a smooth male tenner voice? However there is a shuck voice inside my head, that wasn't my inner dialogue, this was something entirely different.

Trust me Charlie. I can't talk often. But trust me.

The shuck. I must be going crazy! Because for reasons beyond my explanation, I did believe the voice! It was familiar and comforting. I slowly nodded my head, not knowing if the voice in my head understood. But the vibrating stopped, the warm familiar presence was gone. And I strangely felt empty.

The bedroom door was flung open and Newt strolled in, but stopped immediately. He cocked an eyebrow and tilted his head.

"The blood shuck you doing down there?" He chuckled.

I rolled my eyes, untangling myself from the blanket. Slowly straightening up, still feeling weird about the dreams and the voice. I hadn't told anyone about the voice. They already viewed me like a freak, there was no way I'd add fuel to the fire.

"Well, glad your up. Jeff has to do one last check and officially clear you."

I nodded, and pulled off my shirt to change into a clean one. And throw my hair into a pony. It had been a full week of my laying in bed, having trouble moving and breathing. And then another week, with Jeff's permission, to slowly leave my room in increasing increments. Mostly, I avoided the busy times, I would have breakfast with the Keepers and Runners early in the morning, then hide in my room until the Gladers were done eating, and then I would go hang out in the Kitchen with Frypan and Vinny- I finally meet Tim. He liked to chat. Between him and Fry someone was always telling a story. Vinny and I just nodded and chuckled along.

By the end of the week Fry finally aloud me to sit at the counter on a stool and chop things, or sit at the stove and stir. I stayed at the back of the kitchen during lunch and avoided supper all together. If I wasn't in the Kitchen, I was at the gardens with Fred and Newt. I would sit on the ground and shell peas or something that didn't require a lot of bending. Fred was quite the character, he had wild ideas about what the outside world was like, and he jumped from topic to topic. His brain couldn't stay on track for long. Newt had to constantly remind him to go back to work. When I was at the garden, Zart avoided me, he was still terrified of me. Which was fine.

Today was the first day I had to go back to real life in the Glade. No more hiding or avoiding. I had been slowly working myself up for today. Alby was going to make me try MedJack, even though I knew how it was going to go. Minho hadn't brought up his proposition again, but still made a point to come see me at the end of his day. He would flop onto Newt's bed, (didn't matter if Newt was on the bed or not) and talk about the new corridor they were checking out. And I hadn't seen Gally again. He must have also been avoiding the busy dinning area, as well.

Newt hooked my arm and together we made out way to the Dinning area. I slid onto the bench beside Alby and Minho.

"Snips! How are ya feeling?" Alby asked, sipping his coffee.

I shrugged.

"Ready for your first day back?"

Minho raised his eyebrows, with a smirk, knowing exactly what I was going to say. I had complained last night again to him and Newt about coming back, predicting exactly how it was going to go.

I snorted in derision. "No. The few of you guys are fine, but I'd rather avoid everyone else." I rolled my eyes and muttered, "Think I'd rather play tag with a Griever then deal with those slint heads."

"That's not something to joke about." A gravelly voice said.

I turned my head and was shocked to see Gally standing at the end of the table. He sat down at the end of the bench, his face pulled into a frown. His intense eyes were watching me. I glared back, crossing my arms, I could already feel myself heating up.

"At least the Grievers are true to their word and nature. Unlike the guys here in the Glade, who say one thing and act in a completely different way." I snapped back.

"You have no idea what your talking about, joking about Grievers!"

"Being the lone girl surrounded by unpredictable bullies is about the same."

"Charlie! Enough! You have no idea what your talking about!" He yelled.

"You want to mansplane how I'm feeling Gally?"

"Slim it!" He growled.

"NO!" I screamed back, standing up. I slammed my hands on the table, at this point, I knew the entire table was watching, and whoever else was in the dinning room.

"Know what I want Gally? Here, let me spell it out for you! I wish I could watch you be picked on and bullied, taunted. And when you stand up for yourself, I'll lock you up and watch you slowly almost freeze to death. I wish I could see guys whisper how much they want to see you hurt, see you on your knees in front of them or on your back or bent over something. I wish I could watch you fall off a roof and then know what I would do? Want to know Gally?"

I took a breath, he didn't say anything just sat grinding his teeth his hands in fists.

"Here's what I'd do! I would roll my eyes and walk away. I wish I could be all high and mighty and tell you I'm better than you because we have different body parts. You want to shucken treat me the same? THEN SHUCKEN DO IT!"

I could feel my blood boiling, making my face flushed. I was getting a headache from grinding my teeth so hard. My hands and formed into fists so tight my nails were digging into mine. I closed my eyes for a second, took a breath in. I opened my eyes, glaring at Gally again, the Dinning Area was deadly quiet.

"Gally. You say you have my back? That you believe me? I call bull shit. These guys here," I gestured to the few guys I trusted, and counted as friends. "They have my back. They always have, they treat me like a human. Like I have value to this shucked up place you call a home. What do you have to say to that?"

He didn't say anything, he ground his teeth and got up from the table and started to storm away.

"Coward." I said quietly.

I saw him pause but he kept walking away. I was hurt. Again. He said nothing, did nothing, didn't even fight me on anything I said. At least when he was angry and we argued he had an opinion and said something.

"Nicely done Tiger. Never pull your punches, physically and verbally. Respect." Minho nodded, with a small smirk.

Newt and Alby were frowning, watching me. I finally slid down to the bench, felling exhausted. I was done with today and it was only breakfast. I could feel all the eyes burning holes in my back. I didn't want to look around and see how many guys saw that.

"Did they really say those things to you?" Newt asked appalled.

I snorted and rolled my eyes.

"Newt, those were the nice things they said to me. You have some sick twisted sadistic guys in here."