The sound of the ringing doorbell, the nervousness that came with knowing one of my parents was going to answer the door, the first kiss after the perfect first date. They were all things I had envision as part of my first love experience, but unfortunately, life has different plans. My first love didn't give me any time to prepare myself; it just came and hit my right in the face. I wasn't even looking for it. I was still trying to get over a crush that did not end up so well. It is funny how I always though you were supposed to look for love, that you would look at a guy at just know it. That he was the one. That he was the one you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with, but that's not how things work. Love comes in unexpected forms.

I guess what got me was the fact the he was interested in me. I mean, who would? I was fat, ugly, and dumb. Others said otherwise, but they couldn't change the opinion I had of myself. My friends were always prettier than me, changing boyfriends like they change clothes. Then there was me, the girl that didn't even have a guy friend. I mean, I did have guy friends, but not close enough that I could casually text them or call them asking if they wanted to hang out. I always envy that. How could they do it so easily? Talking to guys and making new friends. It all seem so difficult to me. So the moment this guy show a little bit of interest in me I knew I was done.

At first, I thought I should just enjoy the experience. I mean, when was I ever going to see him again? Of course, things never work out the way I want them too. One time turned into many, and innocent talks turned into hot make out sessions. All for nothing as I was left alone just like in the beginning. He left just as fast as he came, but in that short period of time, he manage to steal my heart. I didn't planned on giving it to him, but my heart did not listened to me. It just jump into his arms despite my brain's warning, and now I'm feeling the consequences.

As I reflect on everything that happened, I believed I had some of the fault too. I never made our relationship clear. I just assumed he wanted me as much as I wanted him, even if that was not the case. Now I'm left wondering, why does love exist if it makes us suffer so much? Is it really worth it?
I guess it is since so many people seek it. So many people keep on living hoping to find their true love, even if the chances of finding it are close to zero, but I now understand why they do it.

Knowing that someone wants to talk to you about everyday things all day long. Having someone hold your hand and kiss you and tell you you are beautiful. It is all so surreal, yet at the same time, it is the best experience ever. Even if I was being used the whole time and he never did cared about me, it was still an incredible experience. If you ask me do it again, I would answer yes in heartbeat. No questions ask. If the question was would I give him a second chance, I would need to think about it. As much as my heart wants me to say yes, my brain knows it's not such a good idea. So now I'm left wondering, will I ever find true love?

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Author's note (I guess?):

So this is my first time writing. I just needed to get this out of my head since I have no one else to talk to. Even if no one reads this, it still makes me feel better about myself and what I'm going through . I guess this is like a diary entry. I have run out of options on how to express my feelings, so I though why not writing?
I did my best, but this is probably crappy since I've never written before and english is not my first language. Either way, if someone does reads this, I hope you enjoy.