Complex Love
Authors note: Just to let you know, this story is from Jack's P.O.V. Hope you enjoy reading it! ^-^
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You know, love can sometimes be a complex thing... Sometimes we might find ourselves developing feelings for someone we never thought we would before. It's a... Strange feeling, when you have someone who you've known for a very long time, who you have always viewed as a friend, for them to suddenly turn into something more than that. To tell the truth, I never really ever saw this happening. Not once. Especially since the fact that I was into another guy just felt so... Alien to me. At least, it did for the first couple of months when it first started.
The name of my so called "crush" is in fact, Mark... The one guy who has always been there for me when I've needed him to be. He's always around to listen and he seems like he genuinely cares, just like a lot of my other good friends such as Felix, Wade and Bob... But for some reason, I found myself developing feelings for Mark which went much further than friendship. It probably started around when I moved to LA, and started to get EXTREMELY homesick.
I was easily homesick, as I had lived in Ireland basically my whole life. Of course I came to America for events and panels... But I was never away from home for such a long amount of time. Moving to LA meant I wasn't going back home in a day or two. It meant that I was only probably going back to that place I once lived every few months or so. And that scared me in a way. I found myself not being able to sleep very well for quite a few weeks. But then Mark was there for me, just like I expected him to be.
"You should have told me you have trouble sleeping, you big doof." He chuckled, ruffling Jack's hair in a friendly way. A small sound of laughter escaped the Irishman's mouth and he spoke in response.
"Sorry... I just didn't really feel like botherin' ya with my problems..." Jack answered honestly. The red head shook his head, a grin still across his face.
"Jack, you're my friend. Of course I want to be able to be there to help you, whatever your problem is, big or small, I'll be there, alright? Don't think that you can't talk to me, I'll always be here to listen, okay?"
So, from that day on, I think that was where my feelings for Mark sort of just... blossomed. I found myself getting happier and happier as the days passed, and I wasn't getting so homesick anymore, with Mark listening to my problems. In fact, it actually made me look forward to the coming months and years of the time that I'd get to spend in LA with Mark, Wade, Bob, Ryan and Matt. Sure, at first I found it a little awkward to talk to Ryan and Matt, as I hadn't really been all that introduced to them. But when I finally got talking to them, I felt more like I belonged.
Though, despite the fact that being around Mark and his friends made me really happy... Deep down inside, it also made me scared and frightened, even though I never let it show. Me and Mark had always told people that we would never, EVER be together like that. We were just friends, despite what all the shippers said. Though, it was still a good laugh to give the shippers what they wanted. It made them happy after all, and if they were happy it made us happy too. But if Mark found out that I was actually... In love with him... What would happen to our friendship? What would happen to Youtube as a whole for me, really? Youtube was something I also enjoyed, because I got to do it with my friends. It didn't just feel like a boring job. It wasn't your every day job that you just get paid for. And I don't really like classing it as one, putting a label on it as a "job". It's something that I get legitimate fun out of, thanks to my friends and all the fans out there... But if our friendship was ever to fall to pieces because of my secret, who would I go to? I'd be alone again.
So, it wasn't like I could really tell Mark. He was clueless, completely oblivious to my real feelings. However, I did end up telling Felix about it, as I trusted him with my secret.
"Bro, you mean... You... Actually LOVE Mark...? Like, more than... Friends?" Felix wondered, when he was told of Jack's secret. Jack slowly nodded, with a small frown on his face.
"Yes, but you seriously CAN'T tell him, Felix... I don't know what he'll say about it..."
"Bro, do not worry, your secret is 100% safe with me." He reassured him. "But are you sure you don't want to talk to him about it? I mean, Mark is an understanding dude, Jack. I'm sure he wouldn't be mad with you if you said about it."
But no matter how much he tried to lift my spirits about the subject, I still objected to telling Mark a single thing. It wasn't really about Mark getting mad... I was just worried it would make things too awkward to the point of where we wouldn't be able to recover from it. Mark was my best friend... Even if I had these hidden feelings of love for him, there was absolutely no way I could confess them to him... He was straight, without a doubt. And he believed Jack was straight too. Which Jack thought he was for sure, until he got these rush of feelings.
It's not like hiding feelings were easy though. To tell ya the complete truth, I didn't really like the idea of it myself. I knew it was unhealthy for me and my state of mind. But again, there was always this thing pulling me back. The very same question I'd always ask myself if I even thought of telling him "What would happen to our friendship? What would he say?" So, that always stopped me.
I was able to be good at pretending for quite a long time. No one questioned the way I acted or if they did, I was pretty good at lying, just saying that I caught a cold or something and they believed me. Even if it slightly hurt, lying more and more to my best friends, I knew I was doing it for a good reason.
But to my demise, lying wasn't always going to help me keep getting away with everything. I was in the middle of recording videos, as I had to upload stuff for the next day, when I heard a knock at my door. When I answered it, I saw Bob standing there, giving me a warm smile and asking if he could come in. At the time, I thought nothing of it, and gladly let him inside. But if I knew what he was going to talk to me about would make me want to scream at the top of my lungs, I would have gladly declined.
"So... You've seemed a bit weird lately." He commented, giving Jack a suspicious look. A look of confusion crossed Jack's face, as he played along.
"What...? What do you mean, Bob?" Jack wondered innocently.
"Oh, for christ sake, Jack, you know exactly what I mean! You think I haven't noticed the way you've been lately? Unlike Mark and Wade I'm a lot more... Observant. I can sense when something is up, even if I don't act like I know something... But, come on buddy. Whatever is bothering you, it must be a big deal, if you can't even talk to Mark about it."
Jack stood, shifting uncomfortably in his green sneakers. "Bob... I... I don't know what you're talking about..." There was an obvious hint of un-honesty in his voice. Bob pulled a face, that told Jack he wasn't too convinced.
"Look, Jackaboy..." Bob joked, causing a small smile to appear on his face for a moment, before it quickly vanished back into the more concerned caring glance, "Whatever it is you're hiding... You know you can trust me not to tell Wade and Mark if that's what you want. At first, I didn't want to ask you about it, as I know people have their personal problems. That's why I waited so long to confront you about it. But, Jack, whatever it is, you can honestly trust me. I won't judge you and I won't hate you. It can just be a secret between us two, okay?"
There it was again. That reassuring smile, that told Jack he really should trust him. That he really was genuinely worried for his weird, green haired Irish friend. It was so crazy to think that Jack hadn't even been a part of their friendship group for that long, and yet he was accepted as if he had known them for many, many years... Letting out a sigh, Jack crossed his arms and decided to respond.
"Okay... The truth is... I... Uh..." Fuck... This isn't really as easy as you would think it could be... Jack thought to himself. "Uh... Okay, the... The truth is... I.... I kind of have... These feelings for... For Mark..." Jack finally admitted. Truthfully, Jack was half expecting Bob to explode into flames... But he was... Strangely calm and collective. He slowly nodded, taking in the information that Jack had told him.
"Okay... Okay..." Bob nodded. "How long have you been feeling like this?"
"Uhm... Probably... Since I moved here and I was feeling really homesick... And Mark was... There for me the whole time.... It just... Sort of came from nowhere, I don't really understand why..." Jack admitted.
"I see..." He replied. He was quiet for a moment, as if he was thinking of what to say. Glancing back towards Jack, Bob continued. "Look, Jack, I can only give one piece of advice to you... And that is, if these feelings are really bothering you so much to the point of where you're acting differently, you should just tell him about it. You won't really know what he'll say until you tell him."
"Yeah but, Bob..." He sighed, sounding discouraged. "What do I do if he freaks out? Which, by the way, he most likely WILL.... Things would just get..." He paused, a sound of worry in his voice. "Things would just get really awkward between us... Not just me and Mark, but between all of us. How would we all hang out if me and Mark drifted apart?!"
"Jack, listen to me..." Bob answered seriously, putting his hands on his shoulders. "Whatever happens between you and Mark, we're always going to be friends, I promise you that. We're never going to abandon you, we wouldn't ever want to do that to you, Jack."
"....Yeah, I know..." Jack exhaled, knowing that what Bob was saying was right. If he wasn't ever going to tell Mark about it, what was the point in keeping these feelings in the first place? It wasn't worth it...
"Though... I don't know if talking about it today is such a good idea... As, I didn't just come over to talk to you about this. Mark actually wanted all of us to come over to record a video with him. Well, you could talk to him about it when we all have to go home... But, it's up to you, Jack. It's your feelings, after all."
"Yeah... Thanks, Bob..." Jack answered.
After that conversation, the two of us decided to set off for Mark's house and meet Wade there too. At first, I thought the walk there would be really awkward... But it really wasn't. We actually had quite a laugh, talking about various other things, rather than the subject that had been brought up. For once in a long time, I had actually felt pretty relaxed, compared to how I usually always feel whenever I'm around Mark, Wade or Bob. But for once, in a long time, I actually felt like I belonged again.
When we actually got to Mark's, the usual happened. You know, we dicked around a bit, as friends do, until we finally actually got on with the let's play. We decided to play our usual favourite that we collab together on, which was Prop Hunt. It was a gigantic laugh, and I enjoyed myself for the first time in a long time. Eventually, the video did have to end, and we were all starting to get a little exhausted by the time we had to stop playing. After that episode of Prop Hunt was over, we decided to play a few more games in our own time, until it finally got to the point of where we all had to go home. Remembering what Bob said, I started to feel extremely nervous again, wondering if I should bring it up. Wondering if I should talk to him. Would it ruin the day we had together? Would it make it awkward...?
"Jack...? Jack!" Mark's voice called, interrupting his thoughts. "Are you okay there? You were just sort of staring into space... Bob and Wade are getting ready to go. Are you going home too? You must be tired, right?"
"O-Oh, right, sorry." He laughed nervously, finally coming back to earth. He followed Mark to the front door, where Bob and Wade were already standing. Bob was giving Jack a look, almost wondering if Jack was going to go through with talking to him about it or not. But Jack was honestly still debating whether he should. He really should have thought this through...
"Well, anyway, we better go." Bob said, interrupting the weird sudden silence.
"Oh, yeah. Right. Today was really fun." Mark grinned, giving Bob a hug. Bob nodded in agreement.
"Definitely! We have to do more episodes of that... Jack, are you walking with us?"
"Uh..." Jack started. He shrugged. "You know what? I uh... I'll catch you guys up."
"Hm?" Wade gave him a look of confusion, obviously completely unaware to the situation.
"Well okay, Jack. We'll see you." He said, as he opened the front door. Before the two of them left, Jack gave each of them a hug. Before he and Bob parted, he heard Bob say something.
"Remember what I told you." After that, the two of them parted, he gave Jack a kind smile, and then left with Wade. Turning towards Mark, Jack saw the look of bewilderment on Mark's face.
"You aren't...? Walking with them?" He questioned. Jack shook his head, as he nervously wrung his hands within one another.
"Uh... No. Because I actually need to... Talk to you, Mark." Jack admitted.
"Oh, okay. What about?" Mark innocently wondered, crossing his arms. Jack scratched his green hair, wondering exactly what to say.
"Well... Erm, you see, Mark... I uh..." Jack pulled a face, which obviously showed he was a little uncomfortable about talking about his feelings which Mark was unaware of.
"Listen, Jack, if you're uncomfortable with talking about it, you know you don't have to I mean--"
"I have feelings for you, Mark." Jack said bluntly, interrupting him in the middle of his sentence. There was a long.... Long pause.
".....Uh.... What?" Mark croaked.
"....You heard me." Jack mumbled. The expression on Mark's face looked really conflicted. It was obvious he really wasn't sure what to say at this moment. Which must have really said it all, because if Mark had those feelings in return, he would have just said it... Right?
"You know what? Never mind, forget I ever said this, okay?" Jack laughed, trying to hide the fact that he felt his tears starting to stab at his eyes. But even with the laughter, Jack still found himself standing, with small beads of water streaming down his cheeks from his bright blue eyes. "I'm sorry... I never should have told you... It was stu--"
Before Jack could finish his sentence, Mark pulled Jack into a hug, still not saying anything. He let out a huge exhale of air, trying to recover from the shock of Jack's news.
"Jack... Don't start crying. It's okay, really. It's okay..."
"No, it's not. I've just made everythin' awkward... Fuckin' hell, I'm such a mother fuckin' idiot!"
"No, you're not, Jack! Stop saying that!" Mark said in his saddened voice. He pulled away from the hug, looking Jack right in the eye, with an anxious look on his face. "I don't want you getting upset because of me... Oh, Jack... You're not an idiot..."
"No, I am!" Jack cried, pushing Mark off of him. He quickly went towards the door, and opened it to leave. "I'm sorry... I have to go..." He said, before rushing out of the door and slamming it behind him.
"Jack, wait!!"
So fuckin' stupid... Why did I ever think Mark would actually accept what I told him...? How was he even going to face him now? He just kept running, until he was about half of the way home. He checked over his shoulder, to make sure Mark wasn't following him. It didn't seem like he was, which really was for the best... He didn't really feel like talking right now. Especially when he probably just ruined one of the most important friendships that he had cherished...
His emotional thoughts were interrupted, by the sudden ringtone of his phone in his pocket. Feeling a little hesitant, Jack came to a stop and took the phone out from his pocket and glanced at the screen. What a surprise. A call from Mark... Probably telling him just how much he fucked up. After the ringtone had played for a good while, Jack finally had the courage to answer the phone.
"Hello...?"
"Jack! Oh my god, I'm glad you picked up... You scared the living shit out of me, man!"
"Yeah, I know... I shouldn't have said--"
"No, not that ya big dumb doof! I'm talking about you running off! You scared me... Look, where are you?"
"....I'm on my way home...."
"Okay, well, just stay there." Mark's voice spoke on the other side of the phone.
"What? Why?" Jack frowned.
"Just... Stay there...." Mark simply replied. "Look, Jack, I don't hate you for what you told me, if that's what you think..."
"Look, Mark, it was silly of me to tell you such a thing. I know that you wouldn't accept it in a million years. We even used to talk about it, when people used to ask us if we'd ever date each other. I mean, septiplier is all fun and laughs at times but.... I know it wouldn't ever be an actual thing..."
"Why not?" He heard a voice from behind him. Jack's eyes widened, as he quickly spun around, to find Mark standing before him with the phone to his ear. He hung up, a small smile on his face. "Looks like I found you, huh?"
"Mark..." Jack whispered. "What are you doing here?"
Mark took a step towards Jack. "Look, Jack, I'm not just going to leave things the way they are. After all, you never gave me a chance to properly respond to what you said... I was just shocked, but I don't hate you, and I don't think you're an idiot or stupid..." Mark continued. "In fact, I'm glad you told me. Because I know I would have liked to tell you." He finished, finally planting a kiss on Jack's lips. Jack's blue orbs widened in surprise, as his cheeks started to go a light shade of pink. It was weird. He thought it would feel so strange, to be kissing his best friend for the first time... But somehow it felt... Right. Alright, I know that sounds cliche... But it was true. Eventually, Mark pulled away, and pulled a big goofy grin.
"Mark, I love ya." Jack grinned. Mark chuckled.
"I love you too, you short freakin' leprechaun." Mark replied, which caused the both of them to utterly choke up with laughter.
Hope you guys enjoyed reading this! :D Feel free to leave a comment!
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