My friend came up with this for a skit we had to do (long story), and I was laughing so hard by the end!

Emergancy Guide for Airplanes:

Incase of a crash in the ocean, pull the coushin on your seat out and make sure your funeral plans are in order, as it can not be used as a flotation device.

Incase of cabin pressure lost, hold your breath or breath into the paper bag provided for you under your seat. 

Incase of a regular crash, please refrain from screaming as it would cause the teddy bear copiolt and the autopiolt trouble.

Remember to always fasten your electronics and turn off your seatbelts.

Incase of any emergancy, always remember to kiss your sorry butt goodbye and chose a better airline next time.

End of emergancy guide

Doesn't it make you feel good about riding an airplane?