I danced in the camp kitchen as I grilled steak, potatoes, and fresh vegetables with a blend of seasoning from an old family recipe. For an entire month, I'd assumed my boundaries had discouraged Neil from being anything but my friend, and like a fool, I'd turned inward to self-criticize. Why hadn't I considered he had misunderstood them?

Because you're so used to being dismissed that it's a habit to assume he'd do the same.

As soon as I'd clarified it, he was back to acting like Karijini Neil. That awkward flirt I could listen to all day, wrapped in his arms and pine tree embrace. But he deserved to know my true boundaries before we took this any further to keep us both from getting hurt. My needs weren't for everyone, and I'd been making peace with that throughout this trip. But, given his ability to abstain from romance for a month and his boundaries, I thought he'd accept and understand mine.

When my world swayed and my head ached,  I gripped the picnic table. I'd left my water bottle a the campsite and would have to drink something later. It was easy to forget about hydration when surrounded by the amazing sea life and an affectionate Neil. 

I gathered my leftover ingredients and the clean utensils in the dishes bin as I waited for the steak to cook to medium-rare. He'd ordered it once in a restaurant in Port Headland last month, so I hoped it was his preference. I slid the foil wrap of vegetables off the grill and onto a metal camp plate. Soon the rest was ready too. Neil was going to be so excited since the meal was a surprise, and we hadn't splurged on anything recently except today's tour.

"Smells heavenly, Sadie. He's a lucky man," called out Artie, one of the long-term caravan park residents as he passed.

"Thanks, Artie. Say hi to your wife, and thank you for the fish the other night. It was delicious."

Once the older residents had learned we weren't bouncing from one place to the next, they were quite welcoming and treated us like their grandkids, which included spoiling us with food and occasional booze.

"Of course. You kids have fun tonight."

I sped to our campsite as quickly as I could without spilling the food. Neil stared at his phone and didn't look up.

"Surprise for you, Tiger. I hope you're hungry."

It wasn't until the plates clanged onto the wooden table and I'd set the plastic bin nearby that Neil's red face and tense shoulders became more obvious. Something wasn't right. He never ignored me like this.

"Neil, are you okay?"

He slammed his phone on the table, making the plates shake. "Okay? I would love to be okay, or alright, or even mediocre. But I can't have that."

When I'd left, he'd been all sunshine and compliments, catching my hand in his, asking if I really needed to leave. "What happened?"

Neil wouldn't meet my eyes and stared at that black device like it was a poisonous snake about to attack. "What happened is that I'm a piece of unwanted rubbish caught in the wind, swirled off to Australia to be forgotten."

I sat next to him on the picnic table bench. "I want to help, but you're not making sense, Neil."

"We've been broken up for four months, and she has a ring on her bleeding finger! In two years, she would hardly consider it with me. 'Let's not rush it, Neil'. 'What's the hurry, luv?' Bloody hypocrite!"

My chest stung, and I kept my expression as neutral as possible even though any hope of him and me being anything but friends evaporated. How could I compete with the woman he'd wanted to marry, especially when she ruined what should have been a perfect day? All I could do was try to salvage it to tolerable.

Passersby looked at our site with concern, but I waved them on. He folded into himself on the table, and I gave him his physical space, given how he reacted the last time he was upset. "That sounds awful. But screw, Ally. You're in Australia, having a killer time. You just spent a day seeing dolphins, turtles, and rays. She doesn't know what she lost."

Neil lifted his head and gazed at me with bloodshot eyes. "She knows exactly who I am, and that's why she never entertained the idea of marrying me."

"Some people are ill-suited for each other. It doesn't mean you won't find love with someone else." I stared into his eyes, searching for the wistful look from this afternoon, but it'd vanished.

"With my 'boundaries' and all? That's a polite way of saying I'm a psychotic mess."

Uneasiness settled in my stomach like a tapeworm. He was regressing because of his emotional pain, but I couldn't have him dismissing boundaries. "No, it's not. We've grown up in a world that teaches us there's one way to show love, one linear path to a successful relationship, but there's not. Love is different and looks different for everyone."

"Find me a woman who wants to be with a man who can't be unexpectedly touched."

Had he not listened to a word I'd said today? Was I not obvious enough with my feelings for him? Despite my apprehension about how he clearly wasn't over his ex, I took a deep breath. "She's sitting right here and brought you supper."

He ran a hand through his brown hair, his voice finally softening. "There's more wrong with me than that, Sadie."

"I've got stuff to tell you too, and we'll see what happens when we both lay our cards on the table. But before that, can we have a timeout and eat? I worked hard to make this."

Neil nodded and cut into his steak. I speared peppers and zucchini that were growing a little cold, but grandma's spices made up for it.

He finished chewing his first bite. "Steak's fantastic, Sadie."

"Thanks. It was meant as more of a celebration meal, but a 'screw the insensitive jerks who hurt us' feast works too." I layered my baked potato with our unaccustomed luxuries: sour cream and bacon bits.

Neil didn't laugh and raised an eyebrow. "Your ex get engaged recently too?"

"Nah, I don't have a clue what that man's doing, nor do I care. I can banish the pain he caused me without involving myself in his life, physically or emotionally."

Neil cut aggressively into his steak, his knife screeching against the metal plate. "Must be nice."

"It is, but you have to stop blaming yourself for it to work."

"I'm a little too preoccupied with not sending my ex scathing messages to reach your magic Zen state of self-actualization." It was the first time he used a condescending tone with me, and it left a chill on my skin.

I focused on my food, although it was bland and unappetizing now. The steak was too chewy and dry, the vegetables were overly oily, and the potato reminded me of chewing on wet cardboard. After ten minutes of silently eating with Neil checking his phone and either sighing or cursing, I'd only eaten half the meal and was ready to vomit. I tossed my leftovers into a container and grabbed my phone.

"I'm going for a walk. Text me if you need anything."

My first stop was the camp kitchen, where I dropped my food off in the fridge. Maybe it would taste better tomorrow. Would Neil still treat me harshly then? I wanted to support him, but I only pissed him off. While I made my lap around the park, I wondered if he would meet me partway as I spotted another animal. Seeing a dingo would make him forget about his impulsive ex.

When I completed the full loop to our campground, no animal miracles had occurred, and Neil had slumped into his camp chair with the online world still captivating his miserable attention.

"How are you doing?"

"Can't you tell? I'm over the bloody moon," he deadpanned.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He tapped on his phone screen. "Not particularly."

"I might walk down to the Town Beach market. Want to come? Sometimes distractions help."

Neil shook his head.

"Do you want me to stay with you?" I clutched my phone as I waited for his response.

He took one look at my face then returned to his device, hunching his shoulders. "It'll be better for both of us if you don't."

My mouth opened and shut, but he wasn't even looking at me anymore to care about my reply, so I left. Tears blurred my vision, but I blinked them away quickly.

Our caravan park was a short walk from the beach and the bay. After visiting the wildlife there, it was twice as appealing to go. I hoped the music and excitement of the Thursday market would boost my spirit. Although what would cheer me up the most was Neil returning to his usual self, that was a selfish request. He was hurt.

I roamed to the beach and walked the low tide area past the jetty and the pioneer cemetery, which was spookier with the sun tucked below the horizon. Twilight and the market lights guided my way. The moon hadn't risen yet, but in its full state, it was supposed to create a staircase effect with its reflection. Neil had talked about it earlier, but I had no desire to watch it alone.

I'd picked up vegetables for supper at the market, which had been unnecessarily frivolous spending. I knew I shouldn't splurge again, but the homemade ice cream kept calling my name. The mango flavour looked delicious, and my bruised heart deserved it.

When I went to pay, a familiar voice said, "I've got hers."

Chills ran down my spine. The kind you get when you're home alone and there are strange noises in the basement.

Derek handed over the money before I could and ordered a chocolate brownie ice cream. He smiled at me with those high cheekbones and full lips, but I couldn't bring myself to return the gesture. He'd gotten a tan but kept the black glasses we'd picked out together last year.

"Sadie Rhodes, you are a hard woman to track down."

"I make it easier when I want people to find me." Turning on my heel, I headed away from the campground. I hadn't a clue if or for how long he'd been following me, but I needed my space like manta rays needed water. Spots danced at the corner of my vision, but I pressed on. I'd forgotten to drink, distracted by Neil's distress and didn't have my bottle either.

"Sadie," he hollered. When he and his long legs caught up to me, he was clutching the two ice creams.

"Here."

He extended the mango bowl to me, but I refused to take it. It was doomed to taste as awful as my supper. I wasn't sure why he'd searched for me. But I'd worked so hard to get over him that I wouldn't compromise that by falling for that goofy grin or his way of making mundane events significant. He'd also made our once-amazing relationship feel like I'd jumped off a cliff and was plummeting into a pit of jagged rocks.

"Sadie, don't be so stubborn."

"Screw you! I'll be as stubborn as I damn well please, and if you don't like it, leave."

"Fine, I will hold on to it in case you change your mind." He held both small bowls in his palm and took a spoonful of his chocolate one as if to tease me.

Why was it that the only evening I splurged on food, the world conspired to make me regret it? They must have had shares in those instant noodles and wafer cookie companies.

"What part of our list brought you to Broome?"

How did he know about my plan to follow the list? I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of asking. That would just prove I cared.

"Sadie, we're not children. You don't need to give me the silent treatment."

I crossed my arms over my chest. "Oh really. What else is wrong with me, Derek? Please enlighten me because it felt so fucking good to hear seven months ago."

A fraction of the pain he'd caused me appeared in the creases of his tanned forehead and in his blue eyes. "I'm sorry, that's why I'm here. To apologize."

"In true Derek fashion, you had to knock me down before you could own up to anything."

"That's not fair."

"Have you forgotten how you broke up with me? Because I have tried and your words still haunt me."

He pushed his dark glasses up his nose with the back of his hand. Ice cream was dripping down the sides of the cup. "What I said was completely out of line. I didn't and couldn't understand what you were going through. What you're still going through. I was insecure about something neither of us controlled, and I blamed you for it."

It sounded so simple and forgivable, but it wasn't. "It was more than blame. You dragged my self-esteem through the mud. You made me feel sub-human and defective."

"Which I had no right to do. I will regret it for the rest of my life."

"And you should! No matter how much I build myself up or how amazing I'm feeling, your voice is lurking and telling me there's something fundamentally off about me, that with help I can somehow be fixed to be like everyone else." Neil's distance over the past month had returned me to that state on bad days. I had reminded myself of the progress I'd made in self-acceptance, but it wasn't always linear.

"I know now that's untrue."

"Congratulations on that groundbreaking discovery," I seethed. My anger was borderline childish, but after the begging and crying I'd done the last time we were together, I needed to let it out. My lightheadedness grew worse, and I scanned the area for a bench.

"My ignorance and ego are no excuse for my actions. But I've read lots, and I understand it a lot better now."

I raised an eyebrow. "Understand what?"

"Asexuality. The more I read, the more I saw you, and our dynamics and..."

Thousands of pins and needles pricked at my skin until the world went dark.

What do you think of Derek? Do you think Sadie's anger is justified?

Photo credits: Top right Charles DeLuvio from Unsplash, middle left Iman Zaker from Unsplash, and middle right Prchi Palwe from Unsplash