My phone died before I got an answer from Sadie, but I waited at the popular tourist spot along the beach anyway. She wasn't among the crowd of visitors snapping blurry shots on their phones and tablets. She may have never wanted to see me again, but I had to try. My stomach twisted into knots with each passing minute.

As the moon rose over the mudflats, its reflection created a golden staircase effect in the leftover water. I distracted myself by taking photos, even if my shaking hands ruined most of them. I should have brought my tripod.

"Here I hoped you showed up for me," said a familiar voice.

I whipped around to find her in the fitted camisole she wore at supper, and her hair fell in waves past her shoulders. But her most beautiful feature was her smile. "Goanna, you came."

The full moon illuminated her oval face as her grin widened. "Had to make sure you were okay, Tiger. You are the last known sighting of a species that went extinct in captivity in the 1930s."

It warmed my heart that she knew that and was trying to cheer me up. "I'm an idiot."

"You got terrible news you weren't expecting. You must feel better if you're here and off your phone."

She was perfect. Why she'd returned was a mystery, but I could redeem myself. "It died after I texted you, but not before I blocked Ally."

Sadie's jaw dropped. "What? That's a huge step."

"I spoke with my sister, and she saw things my way. She talked me into it. Better late than never, I suppose. How was your evening at the market?"

"A little shocking."

"Streakers?"

Sadie laughed, bringing another charming smile to her lips. "No, oddly enough, that would have been nicer. I ran into my ex, or rather he tracked me down."

My skin chilled as I recalled the effort she took to avoid him. "Are you okay? What did he want?"

"To apologize and to get back together."

My stomach churned again. Had she said yes? She wouldn't have met me here if she had, right? "Didn't he end your relationship?"

Sadie nodded. "After my friends shared my secrets, he thought he could change to make it work."

As much as the answer scared me, I needed to know where Sadie and I stood. "Do you think he could?"

She tucked her hands into her jean shorts pockets. "I believe he was sincere about trying, but neither of us would be happy. I'm done with that chapter of my life. Some actions are forgivable, but his aren't."

I must have looked like the Cheshire cat if my expression contained half as much excitement as my tingling limbs. "Must be a great feeling."

"Fantastic. Even though I dreaded seeing him, getting closure where we both understood why it could never work and hearing he regretted his actions was satisfying."

"Should we celebrate? Plenty of edible choices ahead," I clarified, so I didn't freak her out again. "I owe you after ruining dinner. I am truly sorry to have acted so indifferently. My mind was stuck on how worthless Ally's choice made me feel. What you said... it means a lot to me."

Sadie fiddled with her bracelet. "I'll give you a pass since I've been there, but just this time."

"I will be ultra enthusiastic about the next dinner." My excitement intensified thinking about it. A romantic evening unmarred by my ex or hers.

"I hope so since it's your turn to cook it."

Laughter sprang from my lips as we walked in the market's direction. "Even after the baked beans?"

She chuckled. "You were the one who didn't like them."

My chest grew lighter as I laughed with her. "All right, I owe you an impressive dinner. Just let me know when and where, and I'll make it happen."

"I will tell you when I decide."

As we strolled, Sadie gazed at the different market stalls and food trucks with growing lines, especially those with sweets. We passed a donut and hotdog stand, a Thai food truck, and a Japanese ice cream vendor, before stopping in front of a Bao stand. It had a sign for cheesecake and enough of a line to convince us it would be delicious.

"Found a winner?" I asked.

Sadie stared at the sign with a wrinkle on her brow. "Nutella or mango?"

"We're in the right part of the world for mango."

Her grin told me I'd made a good choice. Given the size of the cake slices, we opted to share one and wandered to the beach's transition zone of grass to sand for a naturally soft seat. Sadie held the plate as we each took forkfuls of the sweet, creamy treat. We kept exchanging smiles between each bite, and I fought the urge to offer to feed her.

"You had something you wanted to tell me tonight about boundaries, right?" I savoured a piece that melted on my tongue.

She stabbed at the cheesecake a few times before she grabbed a piece with diced mango topping. "You have a good memory."

I cut another forkful of the nearly vanished cake. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Sadie finished the last bite of dessert. "Sure, quick like a Bandaid, right?" She set the empty plate on the grass beside her and played with the hem of her shirt.

"You don't have to tell me if you're not ready."

"I want to." As her hands refused to still, I brushed mine against hers, and she clung to it like a life vest. "Tiger, when I brought up boundaries before, it wasn't because you were being romantic." She squeezed my hand and leaned closer to me. "I like when you do that. It was because I was worried you wanted to sleep with me."

"And it was too soon for you."

"Sort of, but it's more than that."

Was she bisexual or transgender? I had little experience in those areas, but Sadie was Sadie, no matter what she revealed. "You can tell me."

Her voice was a tone above a whisper. "I'm asexual."

My only reaction was to blink, then blink again. "What does that mean exactly?"

"It means that, unlike most people, my body will never have the urge to have sex with anyone."

"So you've never had sex?" That was far from the worst news. It was kind of nice.

"No, that's abstinence. I have had it." Judging from her downturned lips, it hadn't been a pleasant encounter.

"But you never wanted to?" Had she been assaulted?

"Yes and no. I've wanted to have it to please my partners, to experience it, to get better at it, but never because I'm sexually attracted to them. It's never an urge; it's a considered and controlled decision."

My heart thudded in my chest. "And your partners accepted that?" Ally would have compared me to a robot if I told her that, even if it echoed my feelings with so much accuracy it was frightening.

Sadie's grimace answered my question. I stroked her hand to tell her it was okay.

"I didn't express it quite like that or know I was ace until a few months before this trip. It seems ignorant, but I never fully understood asexuality and assumed I was like everyone else, with a few extra quirks."

I knew more about asexual reproduction in a scientific sense than about it as an identity, so I could relate. If Sadie was asexual, they were very different things since she was romantic, sweet, and enjoyed physical contact.

"How does it work? You told me you'd consider being with someone like me. Did you mean dating?"

"It's a spectrum, so everyone is different. I'm a romantic asexual which means I want a romantic partner, in my case a boyfriend and in time a husband, but I don't necessarily want to engage in sexual acts with them."

I smiled at her as that sounded perfect. We were already close in the ways that mattered to me.

Her eyes flickered to me, and her tension melted away. "Some people are aromantic and asexual, which means they only seek platonic relationships and have no desire for a romantic partner from what I've understood."

I was torn between trying to understand asexuality and learning more about what Sadie wanted. "How do you decide what's appealing in a romantic partner?"

"There are different types of attraction. As an asexual person, you can experience many of them like romantic attraction where you desire a relationship with someone without wanting sex. I get that one."

My romantic attraction sprung to life like the vegetation in the outback after heavy rainfall.

"There's sensual or physical attraction that is a desire for tactile contact like hugging or cuddling again in non-sexual ways. It's like when you need to be comforted, and it can be between couples or friends. That one's pretty strong for me too."

After I was comfortable with the person and expecting it, I enjoyed that one. The longer I spent with Sadie, the more I understood her needs, so little things like her brushing my hand or touching my shoulder didn't bother me. She always asked or waited for me to initiate hugs or longer contact, which helped.

"Emotional attraction is the desire to get to know someone and form bonds with them usually because of shared interests. I suspect that's what drew us together so quickly." She smiled at me and I returned it without hesitation. "There's intellectual attraction."

"Like you being unbelievably charming when you spout out facts about Tasmanian Tigers."

Sadie beamed and bit her lip. "Yeah, I experience that one too. There's aesthetic attraction where you appreciate how someone looks without it bringing out a desire to sleep with them. Asexual people can experience this, although I never have. Sexual attraction is the one where you are attracted to the person in a way that makes you crave sexual acts with them. That's the one whose absence makes you asexual."

I found Sadie beautiful, but as she said, it never led me to want to have sex with her, same with Ally or any person before them. Throughout my relationship, I'd always feel like such a fraud, whispering things to my ex like 'I want you' in the heat of the moment. I'd wanted her in my life, but I only acted that way because she expected me to and got insecure about her looks and my feelings when I didn't.

She'd even accused me of cheating when I'd get distracted and let our physical intimacy slide. So I took it on like a research project, testing different positions and actions, evaluating their efficiency to have something else to focus on. It made our sex life easier, and Ally never caught onto why. Did that make me asexual?

"Was it hard to be in a relationship with someone who wasn't asexual?"

Sadie let out a shaky breath. "Yeah. I'm sure you're aware of the expectations people have of couples. You watch any show or movie where they mention an adult relationship and they talk about their sex lives, even the single ones, and how often they're doing it. It's like a criminal offence to go a month or more without it. Romance novels are just as bad."

"And men always focus on that once a woman is in the room... or are expected to." I'd learned to fake my way through those conversations with my mates since it was easier than being mocked.

"Finding representation for someone who thinks differently was next to impossible growing up. What do we have now, possibly Sheldon Cooper whose lack of interest in sex is the butt of constant jokes? It's not encouragement to think of your feelings as anything but problematic." Sadie sighed and let go of my hand, drawing her knees to her chest.

"Add on an allosexual partner, and it's a recipe for self-loathing and uncomfortable sex at best. On the bad days, it's..." She breathed heavily as tears dotted her eyes. A rock song was ending on a nearby stage as I waited for her response. I didn't dare invade her space even if I wanted to capture all her pain to fling it away. "Your body is screaming for it to end while your mind is trying to hide your pain so your partner doesn't judge or pity you."

I couldn't believe I'd put her in a situation where she had to spend time alone with her ex again. Had he tried something today? "Your ex sounds like a monster."

Sadie took another breath to compose herself. "He didn't enjoy my discomfort, and if he noticed, he'd stop. He was sympathetic, but I tried to hide or minimize my feelings. If I didn't, the conversations about how we could fix this would start, so pushing through saved me from those and the sense of failure. The relationship I had before him wasn't that different either. I'm not sure who decided a good sex life was the measuring stick for a healthy relationship, but I'd much rather use healthy communication and mutual respect as my markers."

"I couldn't agree more." No wonder she didn't trust men. That sounded horrific to put yourself through. Yet she trusted me enough to share this.

Sadie's glassy eyes reflected the moon, which had grown whiter as it rose in the sky. "I envy kids who grow up now understanding all these identities in their teens and who know theirs without a doubt. They wear it like a badge and are so confident asserting their boundaries. They haven't broken themselves fitting into a sexualized world." Tears spilled down her cheeks.

"Sadie?" I extended my arm toward her shoulders and she leaned in, clutching my middle and burying her head in my chest. "I'm so sorry you went through that. I wish I could erase it all for you." She inhaled deeply as I placed a hand on her back. "Is this okay?"

She nodded into my chest as I stroked her shoulders until her tears slowed. It was reassuring that my touch had that effect on her even after everything she'd suffered. I hoped she'd always feel that way about me.

"I know better than to compromise my mental health to please someone, but I wonder if that'll leave me single for ages. You're one of the few single guys who hasn't come onto me or one of my travel buddies."

I couldn't believe that as confident and amazing as she was, Sadie held the same insecurities as I did. "It only takes one."

She wiped the corners of her eyes. "You're probably feeling connected because of my tears and pain, but asexuality puts a strain on relationships."

"Yeah." I took a deep breath, hoping she wouldn't take what I said next the wrong way. "I believe I've lived it."

"You?" Her voice cracked.

"So much of what you're describing echoes my experience. I didn't have a word for it until now, and I don't want to claim it until I've done more research, but I get it. I know what it's like to force yourself into a sexual relationship because it's what's expected of you and because you want to please your partner but to not want it."

Her glassy green eyes widened. "You're not messing with me?"

"I would never, not about something this important. Honestly, I never realized other people were like me, that an entire community and terminology existed for an insecurity I've struggled with since puberty." Bubbles rose in my chest like a rushing rapid as my eyes prickled.

More tears left Sadies eyes, but they were accompanied by a gentle smile. "I cried for hours when I found out as I took it all in."

Tears slipped down my cheeks, and my breath came out as a shudder. "I feel that."

"It's like all the pain and suffering you trapped inside can finally escape."

Ally's judgements, my friends' snickers and whispers dislodged from their home in my chest. "I haven't suffered quite as you did, but I've hated this part of myself for a long time."

"You shouldn't. It's one of the best parts of you. Tied with your backing off to respect my boundaries."

My fingers itched to trace the contours of her face, but I restrained them. I couldn't believe that I'd been upset about Ally when Sadie had been sitting in front of me. But I also didn't want to screw up what Sadie and I had.

"What if I'm wrong though, and I'm not asexual, but something else? I'm getting more comfortable with you touching me, and I'd hate for you to feel pressured as you did with your ex if I ever..."

"I like you for you, Neil, not a label. You've always shown me respect, and I can't see that changing, even if your desires do."

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "So knowing what we do about each other, where do we go from here?"

"We heal, we travel, and when we've both been in a good place for a while, we discuss what we want next. Neither of us is ready for that conversation tonight. I spent the evening yelling at my ex and you pushed me away for yours. When we stop thinking about them and the pain they caused, we'll be ready. Until then, we eat a lot of cheesecake, explore Australia, and look for cool animals." She grinned at the empty plate.

That was exactly what I needed. No pressure, no ultimatum, just time to adjust to this new information without fear of losing her. It baffled me Sadie could sense that. I smiled. "Should I go back for the Nutella cheesecake?"

"I wasn't asking, but if you're offering..."

I laughed. "You told me it doesn't matter what shape my body is with that whole aesthetic attraction thing."

"It doesn't as long as we can still hike together. Shared interests are important."

"Noted."

I ran to the vendor to grab the last slice of chocolate Nutella cheesecake, which seemed like fate. As we devoured it together, I couldn't help but celebrate that somehow I'd found someone who'd wholeheartedly agree this chocolate was better than sex and who was open to accepting everything others and myself considered flaws. One day, I'd see the world her way and I couldn't wait.

Photo credit: Bottom right photo Mah Keao from Unsplash

Thank you very much for sticking with Sadie and Neil's journey! 

Just a note on the representation that Sadie mentions, in 2022 representation is making tiny strides, probably more in books than TV/movies. Sadie and Neil's trip is set somewhere around 2015 just to give that statement and their experiences a bit more context. 

Again, if you notice anything that seems off in the explanations, please let me know. The 'Asexuality, Attraction, and Romance Orientation' page of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill's LGBT Center was very helpful with this chapter. Aven (asexuality.org) is a great overall resource on the topic too.