Smith and Trott were busy on their phones looking at Twitter or playing games to pass the time. I, on the other hand, couldn't be as easily distracted. I tried watching another one of Nick's vlogs with Amanda in it, but her soft voice and shy smiles made me feel as if my heart was a wound that was being rubbed raw. I couldn't stand the thought that the video may be the only interaction I'll ever get from her. I didn't want to see her eyes shine when she explained something or watch her push her hair back and look at the ground when she was embarrassed through a video.

        I was selfish; I didn't want to see what millions of fans saw. I wanted to see her breathless from laughter or experience the excitement in her face when she gets a surprise. I needed her all to myself, so I could know her better than what was written in a blog or said on Youtube. It was odd and irrational, but I wasn't about to deny my feelings for her; the ones that only intensified when I saw her conscious. 

        I paused at that thought, feeling naive and insipid. I blamed my aberrant thoughts on the fluctuating emotions of today, as well as the fact that it was 12:37 pm. I assumed that I would think more clearly tomorrow, no matter what happened to Amanda tonight. There was no way I was actually feeling these sharp and excessive emotions. It's just passion of the moment.

        Unless it's not. Unless there was some reason for us to meet. I groaned inwardly, the two conflicting ideas battering my brain, passing the time as they confused me even more. I didn't now what I felt anymore.

        After about another hour of this, I looked up to see the nurse I had met the first day all those weeks ago quickly walking towards me. Her name was Willow, and seemed to be the main nurse for Amanda. We would often exchange formalities and talk about Amanda whenever I was visiting, so seeing her panicked look as she walked through the empty waiting room scared me immensely. I jumped up and ran to her, not waiting for her to reach me. My friends quickly followed and I could feel them against my shoulder blades as they leaned in to hear. 

        "She survived," Willow said quickly, obviously experienced in relaying information at a hospital. I'm glad she was sensitive to my panic and got out the most important information first. Trott and Smith cheered behind me, but I guarded my feelings and waited for more information. "We got to it fast enough..." she started explaining rapidly, "the surgeon was able to preform arterial embolization successfully and save the spleen..."

        "That's great!" Trott celebrated, giving Smith a high five.

        Willow didn't share in the excitement. "Ross..." she sighed, giving me a look of pity, "she lost a lot of blood, there might be more damage that we didn't see...the transfusions didn't seem to help much..."

        "What does that mean?" I interrupted, tired of all the talking.

        "We don't know how long her stability will last. She has about a 35% chance of surviving the night," she sighed. I felt the breath get knocked out of me, but I didn't have it in me to cry again. There was a strange, numb sensation where the pain in my heart used to be; it was suffocating. I knew it was a good idea not to get my hopes up. I felt my head lower and I quickly rubbed my forehead.

        "Can I see her?" I asked the floor.

        "I'm sorry Ross...I can't let you..." she started.

        I snapped my head up and gave her a piercing gaze, pleading her with my eyes. At the same time, Smith said gruffly, "Listen lady, you can't just not let him see her. He's gonna... have a panic attack or something." I felt his eyes on the back of my head and he raised his hand to squeeze my shoulder.

        Willow glared at him, and then looked back at the people working at the front desk. She pursed her lips in thought, and then replied, "I can get you in there for... maybe five minutes. But you have to be quick."

        I thanked her for the favor. Five minutes was enough. I just needed Amanda to know that I hadn't left her, that I was still there by her side...

        And I wanted to say goodbye.

        I followed Willow to a different part of the hospital, trying to look like I was supposed to be there. It felt like hours before we stopped at one of the identical looking rooms. Amanda was in there, looking as peaceful as ever, but had a extra set of tubes and monitors hooked up to her to add to the regular ones. She was slightly paler, and the tiniest movement of her chest was the only thing to suggest she was still alive. My knees weakened as I saw her, knowing that it was possibly the last time. 

        I rushed over, not caring if Willow followed me or not. I dragged one of the chairs over quickly and fell into it, feeling frantic. I grabbed her hand in both of mine, saying, "It's me...Ross...I'm here Amanda."

        She didn't react, not that I expected her to. I calmed down and just watched her, memorizing her features. Her dark eye lashes, small chin, and delicate collarbone were perfect. I reached a hand up to smooth her curls, which were tangled and messy from surgery. I leaned my elbows on my knees, preparing what I was going to say. I felt a fresh wave of tears as the blood rushed to my face to inevitably turn my nose and eyes bright red.

        "I'm...I uh..." I stammered, "I know you probably can't hear me, but I just want you to know that it's still your choice..." I felt cheesy and cliche once I said it out loud, but I was desperate to tell her. "I don't care what the nurses say. You're in control of this..." I trailed. I let out a sob before I could stop it. Tears fell onto my arms and hands that clasped around hers. "I know..." I started, "I know right now the situation is pretty shitty...and..."

        I took a shaky breath.

        "And I want you to know that it's okay if you..." I said, stopping. I hated the word 'die'. I was too young to be thinking about the subject, but here I was surrounding myself with it. "if you want to leave..." I whispered.

        I let go with one hand so I could prop my arm onto the side of the bed and lean over her face. I closed my eyes, trying to concentrate with her face inches from mine. "I'm the last thing you should be worrying about right now...but just know that I want you to stay..." I said, leaning my forehead onto hers. I shouldn't tell her this, shouldn't burden her decision, but I found myself continuing all the same. "Please stay..." I sobbed, pain radiating throughout my body, "I need you...please..." My words were blurring together, becoming the same thing repeated over and over. "Don't go," I begged, "please..."

        I opened my eyes and looked at her still face. Cupping her chin, I smudged away one of my tears that had landed on her cheek with my thumb. I should have respected her personal space, but something so intense, so primal and instinctual, brought me as close as I could to her.

        I don't know what came over me in that moment, but it was as if something else was compelling me towards her until my lips were against hers. They were cracked and lifeless, but the sensation was like warm waves washing over me. A sense of closure radiated from my lips throughout my body, and I could only hope she felt the same.

        Whatever choice she made now, I was okay with it.

        I pulled back, hovering over her to look for any signs of life. I don't know why I thought she would magically wake up like the princess from a fairy tale, but she didn't. I wiped my nose with the back of my sleeve and straitened.

        Turning, I saw Willow standing in the open doorway, a stony look on her face. A single tear shining on her cheek betraying her neutral demeanor. She didn't say anything, for the sorrow in her eyes were enough. I walked to her slowly, willing the moment to stretch like all the waiting did, but I wasn't so fortunate. The nurse retreated into the corridor and I followed her. 

        But I stopped at the thresh hold. Something had changed in the room and at first I couldn't place it. I looked around, my eyes sweeping the room and over Amanda. She hadn't moved as far as I could tell, and I told myself that I had imagined it.

        That was until I noticed the heart rate monitor. I was so used to the slow, steady rhythm of it's beep that I had learned to ignore it over the days that I spent here; it had become background noise. Seeing the familiar line traveling across the screen, I was surprised at how rapidly it peaked. It wasn't her normal heart rate, and I started to panic, calling for Willow.

        I thought Amanda was going to die right then and there, but as Willow mashed the intercom button and called for a doctor, I saw a twitch, a slight movement from the small girl on the stark white sheets. "She...she moved..." I muttered, pointing to her hand where I had tracked the small shift.

        Willow looked at me like I was insane, and I flinched, afraid I had imagined it. Neither of us breathed as the rapid beep of the machine increased to an alarming rate and the nurse moved to the bottom of her bed. "A...Amanda?" she asked, clearing her thoat and raising her voice. "Can you raise your left hand for me sweetie?" she asked.

        I took a few cautious steps into the room, afraid that a wrong movement could disrupt everything. We both stared intently at her hand, willing it to move. "Come on Amanda," I whispered, inaudible to everyone but myself. Everything would be alright if she would just raise her...

        Another twitch, bigger this time.

        Willow eyes bulged, having seen the fingers on the girl's left hand move as well. She stared for a moment, and then quickly crossed herself, muttering something under her breath. Rushing over to the machines, the nurse started checking vitals as more doctors and nurses rushed passed me into the room.

        One doctor picked up the clipboard hanging at the end of her bed and began flipping through the pages. Another male nurse saw me and started pushing me out. "Sir, you can't be in here..." he said, shoving me towards the hallway.

        "Wha...wait!" I said, trying to get passed him. More nurses came to his aid as the doctor ignored us and asked Amanda to clench her right fist. I panicked, rushing towards them to see what Amanda was doing. I wanted to see her clench her fist. I didn't sit next to her for eight weeks to miss her wakening.

        The nurses crowed around me and all talked at once, telling me to leave or to calm down. "No, I need to see her," I told them, desperate.

        Willow quickly appeared in front of me as hands dragged me out. "Ross you need to go," she told me. "I'll find you the minute you can come back!" she called. I just barely heard the last part as the people surrounding me dragged me out of the room...

        ...away from her.