people are making unfunny tiktoks and i am scared

•••

kevin: wanna see how hardcore i am?!

kevin: *SLAMS his fist into the wall*

kevin, tearing up: someone please take me to the hospital

•••

kevin: it has been TWELVE DAYS since i've seen arnold, nabulungi, or mckinley. no one had checked my power or my ego.

kevin: i'm a god now

•••

nabulungi: lets play two truths one lie!

mckinley: oo okay! i'll go first

mckinley: i'm in uganda right now, my dad's name is carl, and kevin price is gay

kevin:

kevin: ..................................ain't your dad's name matt—

•••

arnold: what d'ya think are your three best qualities?

nabulungi: i'm bi, i have soft hair, and sometimes i cry because i love my friends so much

•••

kevin: so, how many baptisms do we have?

mckinley: oh,,,,, uh. Um. i'd rather not answer that

kevin: come on. can you just be straight with me??

mckinley: id rather not answer that either

•••

kevin: i have an idea, but i'm gonna need your permission.

mckinley, genuinely confused: why would you need my permission??

mckinley:

mckinley: ohhhh wait, it's because i'm still your district leader, right?

kevin: nope, but this way if i mess it up it's not entirely my fault

•••

nabulungi, when she finds out arnold lied to her and kevin transferred: i like that we say "oh man" to express disappointment because men are, in fact, disappointing

•••

kevin: have you,,,,, idk,,,,,,,,,, ever fallen in love?

mckinley: i cant even fall asleep :/

•••

nabulungi: so gang, are we ready to rock??

kevin: no

arnold: not particularly

nabulungi: that's the spirit!

•••

kevin: how long does it take before you start to hallucinate from sleep deprivation?

arnold: oh, lemme look that up-

mckinley: don't bother. it's seventy-three hours

kevin: how do you know that??

mckinley: i mean unless there's /actually/ a clown with a really cool hat behind you— wait shit *just fuckin passes out jesus christ get this man some help*

•••

kevin: love isn't real it's just a series of chemical reactions

nabulungi: so is every other feeling you dumb bitch!

•••

mckinley: haha no offense or anything but i think you're cute

kevin: ........thanks??? but why would that be offensive???????

mckinley: i mean. i was kinda hoping you heard the "no offense", assumed it would be really mean, and stopped listening

•••

kevin: i've come to make an announcement: god is a bitchass motherfucker >://

kevin: he PISSED on my FUCKING LIFE

•••

the general: YOU READY TO FUCKIN DIE?!

kevin, in i believe: HEY IM A BAD BITCH YOU CANT 

K
I
L
L

ME

•••

kevin: and once again, arnold and kevin saved the day!

nabulungi: but. you didn't do anything?? it was all arnold

kevin: we're a package deal! everyone knows that :(

•••

kevin, pointing a gun at a sentient coffee cup in his hell dream: tell me the name of god you piece of shit

sentient coffee cup: can you feel your heart burning? can you feel the struggle within? the fear within me is stronger than anything your soul can make. you cannot kill me in a way that matters.

kevin, cocking the gun, tears streaming down his face: IM NOT SCARED OF YOU!

•••

nabulungi: so while you were sick we went to the planetarium

mckinley: damn, i'm sorry i missed it—

nabulungi: you shouldn't be. when earth came on screen kevin booed really loudly and got us kicked out

•••

arnold: wh. what're you doing

kevin, surrounded by thirteen dogs, four hamsters, a bird, and a cat with a cool looking hat: building a family