3

For what is life but a temporary passage

Of hell

For those left behind

My eyes flew open as I jerked out of bed. My body was drenched in sweat. The room, warm and dark, except for the siluottes of trees illuminated by the moonlight, creating shadows in my old room. I looked around panting. The shivers continued down my body as the nightmare slowly dimished in my mind.

Traffic.

Headlights.

Screams.

Accusations. Why didn't you call Ruth? Why didn't you pick up the phone. Why weren't you there? Why are you never there? When's the last time you talked to Isaiah? Why didn't you ghost dad just to go to that party. Fucking ungrateful bitch. Fucking ungrateful bitch.

I swallowed hard and leaned over to my bedside. My trembling hands opening the drawer and taking out my prescription sleeping pills.

It obviously wasn't working.

I mean there was a time where it worked. But not anymore. Not in the days i first got them after my mom passsed. And apparently not right now. I was back to insomniac nights. I needed a readjustment.

Something.

Anything.

You barely took these things your senior year.

Yeah well that was when life was grand. Now it was back to hell. I opened the bottle and popped 4 pills instead of 2. I was so used to it, I swallowed without needing water.

Pulling the covers back, I climbed off the bed. My barefeet on my fake fur rug that I had purchased senior year with Yalinah, on our many random shopping trips. I walked over to the window and grabbed the curtains.

But I stopped.

His lights were on.

What was David doing up at this time?

The silhoutte showed that he was by his desk. I could make out the shape of the guitar, and then him hovering over and writing.

I turned and looked at my alarm clock by my bedside.

2:15.

I chuckled sadly.

Writing music? Practicing.

I sighed as a warm wave of nostalgia washed over me. The many times, senior year I would sit by my window, where we would talk on the phone. I chuckled as I remembered the impromptu strip tease i'd given him. His look of wonderment, and my surprise that he hadn't turned away. I laughed and shook my head.

God, I loved to tease him.

David.

Along with the memory, prom night flashed back into my mind. I sighed and closed my curtains. Holding on to the lace fabric as I stared down at my floor.

I was the bitch.

I was.

But it wouldn't have worked out.

And he wouldn't had broken up with me.

I turned around. That was four years ago. We weren't teens anymore. This was no longer puppy love. I was in no position to try to get him back in my life again. Not that I wanted to.

The best thing for David, was to be as far from me as he possibly could be.

It's true.

Ask his mom. She'll tell you.

Ii sighed and went to sit back on my bed. Plopping back down and staring up at the ceiling with the chandelier that i used to love. The chandelier, I'd begged my dad to get me at a garage sale, forcing him to put it up and make my room fancier than what it was.

"Fucking chandelier." I whispered, feeling a warm tear roll down my face, and drop into my ear. I closed my eyes slowly feeling the pills take affect. My heart slowing, my body numbing. Just let me sleep. Just sleep for a little bit. Sleep and pretend that this is nothing more than a horrible dream.

"Dad..." I whispered. "I'll graduate this year. Aren't you happy? You promised you'll make a big sign for me as I walked the stage." I mumbled as I felt myself slowing down. "Isaiah promised to do the moonwalk."

**

"Wha----what do you mean Ruth?" Brenda asked as she turned to me. She shot the lawyer a look and then turned back to me. "Think...think about It."

"I have." I shrugged. "I don't want the house."

"Your father loved this house!" Brenda put her arms out isn the lawyer's office as if we were home. "You know he did. Look at all the renovations he made in 5 years. Look at the addition. He specifically said this was the Hasting family house."

I sighed heavily and closed my eyes, covering my face. Why was Brenda Herman the only one that was able to help in time like these? Why not Yalinah? Or Jourdun? Why this woman? This woman who, label me surprise was being the most helpful, but she also was a thorn in my fucking side. "Ms. Herman..." I put my hands down and took a deep breath. "I'm not staying in Legacy Falls."

She scoffed in disbelief and laughed. She looked at Mr. Houston with a shake of her head. "You can't sell that house Ruth."

My mouth dropped. "I can't----"

Brenda put her finger up and wagged it at me, not even bothering to look at me. "Your father would be really disappointed if you sell his pride and joy. I know he would. Robert loved that house. He was all for it. Next." She nodded at the lawyer.

"I'm not staying in that house." I told her and turned to the lawyer. "How---how much---the mortgage? How does this work...where? What do I do? Do I need to contact the bank to---."

"You can't sell that house. It's Hastings." Brenda shrugged matter-factly.

Shut the fuck up. I gritted my teeth and stared at the lawyer.

"Well." Mr. Houston cleared his thrroat and gave Ms. Herman a look before focusing on me. "It looks like...well Miss Hastings...it seems the house is completely paid for, and is actually your house. Your name on the title and deeds....has nothing to do with Mr. Hastings passing...the house, if I'm not mistaken was always yours. So you're free to do with it what you want."

My bottom lip trembled as I felt shivers pass through me. I gripped the seat handle tightly. "Wh--what?" I whispered. The house had always been mine? He'd bought the house paid for under my name? Since the beginning? How? Why?

**

"Home sweet home Ruth."

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms across my chest as i stared at the new house.

"Wow! This is so cool! Dad it's so much bigger than our old house."

"What do you think?" Dad asked sighing happily as he put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a comforting squeeze. "Your requirements where your own bedroom, and a pool.

I shrugged my father's hand off. "Whatever." I picked up my bag and walked up the porch. Pushing the door open reluctantly, leaving dad and Isaiah behind.

**

Brenda closed her mouth, blinking also in surprise. She shot me a couple looks and then sat up with a sigh. "Well...you can do whatever you want Ruth...it's your choice. I just don't want you to regret it." she had the decency to soften her voice and straighten up.

I touched my cheek, not realizing when I had started to cry. I lowered my head. "I can't---i can't---i can't stay there." My voice broke as I stared at my lap. Drops of tears hitting my bare legs, in which i tried to wipe off quickly.

"Oh you know what?" Brenda said happily. "Leanne---you know Ms. Leanne Greer, she does real estate. I can call her up and we'll make sure to take care of all that for you. She'll appraise it, put it on the market...." her voice trailed off.

I accepted the handkerchief she extended to me, and surprisingly the comforting rub on the back was much appreciated.

"It's just a house. Let's go on Bobby. Speed this up now why don't you. Poor girl is having a break down. Any other important things on this will that she needs to know about?"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, leaning back in the seat. Once again, my love-hate relationship with Brenda Herman coming through. She got shit done. I know she did. I didn't have to think.

Why dad?

Why did you make this house mine?

Why was i such an ungrateful bitch?

I loved you so much. I knew you were the best. But I never even got a chance to show my appreciation. Did you know how much I loved you? Did you? Even in all my bitchy selfish ways?

God, my head was pounding.

**

"Yeah, i'm just wrapping some things up here and then coming back."

"Are you sure babes?" Monse replied on the other line. "You know, if you need me to come over there, I can come for the weekend."

I thought about what he was saying. Or the fact that I had wanted to break-up with Monse for about a month now.

Now there was nothing particularly wrong with Monse. He was handsome, smart, kind. But for some reason, my ass seemed to always go for momma boys. I didn't get it. And it rubbed me the wrong way, and obviously moms didn't like me.

It was actually a disturbing display of my ego.

We don't have to know why i did it.

I knew why I did it.

I wasn't proud of it.

The almost orgasmic satisfaction when the guy chose my opinion over their mother's. The joy in seeing the mother's glare. Their backtalking. Telling their sons i'm no good. But I fuck him so good, he doesn't bother listening to his mom.

Yeah that's me.

And then I get bored.

And everything that irked me about them in the beginning of the relationship came back ten folds. It wasn't fun anymore.

Because at the end, did I really like them? Or did I like the victory?

I sighed. "No, don't come. I'm coming back in a few days. But i think i just want to be alone."

"Okay, let me know when you land----"

"No, I think i want to be alone." I repeated. "Alone, I don't think..." I sighed. "I don't think this is going to work."

There was a pause on the other line, before Monse spoke up again. "Ruth...you're emotional. You're not thinking straight. Look why don't you let me know when you get back? I'll go to your apartment, get everything---"

"Monse...." I huffed. "Just..."

"Ruth, we're not breaking up over the phone." Monse replied. "Seriously? You don't mean It."

"I do." I whispered. I looked up to the footsteps entering the entry way. I hadn't even heard the door ring. It must be Yalinah, or Jordun, or Sam , or David. Or Brenda. They came in and out of my house so frequently these past few days, they might as well have lived here.

"Ruth!" He took a deep breath. "Sorry, sorry for yelling. Look you're going through a lot. I get it. Just, just call me and let me know when you get back. I'll call you later."

I didn't answer. Yalinah walked in happily, talking excitedly, holding a bag of groceries in her arms, coming behind her was David, laughing also with another brown bag of groceries.

They both stopped. Yalinah's eyes went wide as she saw me talking on the phone. She gave me a big smile and a wave, indicating that she was putting the stuff in the kitchen. I nodded at her, not really paying attention to what Monse was saying on the other end.

David nodded at me and followed Yalinah to the kitchen.

I sighed and went back to the conversation, rubbing the side of my face. "Monse, I'm tired. I'm going to let you go."

"Okay, i'll call you later Ruth. Pick up okay."

"Fine." I whispered and hung up. Maybe i will. Maybe i won't. I put my head back and took a deep breath. I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly, before getting off the couch and putting a big smile on my face.

"What's all this?" I asked skipping into the kitchen.

David looked over his shoulder at me briefly, before turning back to put the stuff away in the fridge.

Okay...what was that?

Yalinah beamed as she shuffled around the kitchen. "I will be making you some steak and roasted potatoes. Sam will join us later to eat. He's finishing up praise and worship practice."

"Aren't you a little ray of sunshine." I teased. "I love you."

Yalinah grinned, tossing her long curly brown hair over her shoulder playfully. She blew me a kiss and started unwrapping the steak.

I turned my attention to David, who still had yet to say anything to me. "You staying over for dinner."

"No, i'm flying out." He responded, not looking back at me.

Well damn, it's not like I expected him to stay, but...yeah, I didn't know. "Finish your recording?"

"Yeah." He replied as he closed the fridge and folded the brown paper bags.

I waited for him to say more, but he didn't.

Yalinah must have picked up on something because she turned to look at him, before turning back to look at me. She widened her eyes, and I gave her a blank stare and shrug.

"Did I do something?" I asked his back.

David turned and put the paper bags in the recycling, briefly looking up at me. "No." He looked away and turned to Yalinah. "Anything else?"

Yalinah narrowed her eyes at David before turning back to look at me. "Uhm....no..." she stammered, her brows furrowed in confusion. "I...I think that's all the stuff from the car."

He smiled charmingly at her and nodded before leaning over to give her a big hug. "Okay, i'll see you around. Keep Sam out of trouble, stay healthy." He gave her slight stomach a playful tap.

David turned around, making eye contact with me. "Get some rest." He nodded and looked around the kitchen.

I didn't respond as I stared at him. Feeling my eyes, he turned to look at me again. I frowned and narrowed my eyes at him. He shifted his gorgeous honey brown eyes away and sighed softly. "Call me if you need anything." He whispered.

"I won't need anything."

He turned his eyes back to me as I leaned against the kitchen island.

"Oh you know what!" Yalinah said loudly as she washed her hands and dried it quickly with the kitchen towel. "I think, I left my phone in the car, let me...let me go get it really quick, while you two say...say goodbye."

"We said goodbye."

"I said goodbye." David stated, the same time as me.

I looked at him again and crossed my arms over my chest.

What the fuck was wrong with him?

"Yeah, i'm just..." Yalinah took a couple steps away from us. "Just...give you two a minute." She smiled sadly and turned and exited the kitchen.

I looked at her disappearance for a moment longer before turning back to David. "Are you still mad at me about last night?"

"I'm not." He replied.

"I was joking."

"I know you were."

"Why are you giving me an attitude?"

"I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"I'm not."

I scoffed and shrugged. "Whatever, it doesn't matter. Go, have fun and I wish you all the best." I hugged myself.

David looked at me a second longer before sighing loudly and looking away, shaking his head slightly.

"What?" I asked defensively.

"You're going back to Atlanta right now?" He asked.

I scoffed in disbelief. "Oh come on."

"You're really going to sell the house. Just leave as if everything's fine---"

"Why do you care?"

"What?" He asked surprised.

I swallowed hard. "Look, Legacy Falls is not for me---"

"Fine, I get that, but you need to rest---"

"I don't need to rest---"

"You can't just act like everything's okay---"

"Everything is okay. I mean given the circumstances---"

"No it's not."

"I'm fine!" I said loudly. "I don't want to stay here. Can everybody just get off my ass about it? Huh? Why do I have to stay in a dead house?" An uncontrolled tear ran down my cheek.

"I'm not telling you to stay in a dead house. I'm saying before you make any rash decision---"

"It's my decision to make."

"I know It's your decision, but your father bought this house for you---"

I laughed in disbelief. "Really? You want to guilt me into staying---"

"I'm not guilting you into anything---"

"Oh but you can leave----"

"I'm going to finish recording---"

"How convenient----"

David laughed dryly. "I thought you of all people would be glad that I'm gone."

"Don't turn this around." I shook my head. "Don't make it seem like i'm chasing you away."

"Your right your not. You're not chasing me away. You're just doing what you do best---"

I thew my hands up and laughed as I covered my face. "Wow...okay wow. What do i do?" I put my hand on my hips. "What do i do?"

David clenched his jaws and briefly closed his eyes. "Whatever. Fine."

"Oh now, you don't want to talk, but just a couple seconds ago, you had a whole fucking lot of things to say." I pointed behind me.

"I'm going to go." He said calmly As he walked towards the island.

"Of course you are." I snapped at him. "Like a little bitch."

David stopped a foot away from me and turned to look at me. "I'm not going to do this with you." He whispered to me.

I smiled at him with sickening sweetness. "I didn't ask you to do anything."

He held my gaze for a second, and then another and a couple more. His intense stare caused the smile to drop from my face, and I was the first one to look away in annoyance.

"Whatever." I whispered, looking at my kitchen island. "Let me know when the preorder drops, I want to be the first buyer. Remembere, I'm your number 1 fan."

David stepped up to me and cradled my neck. I pushed back tears as he softly kissed my temple. "Don't do anything stupid okay." He whispered. "Take care of yourself."

I stared at the floor as his warm hand slid to rest on my shoulder. He was so close, I could smell the light fragrance of his cologne. He moved and i grabbed the edge of his shirt to stop him. I could tell he looked back at me, but i didn't lift my head. I moved into him and laid my head against his chest.

His arms slowly came up to wrap around me as he hugged me tight. Inhaling against me softly, for a couple seconds before abruptly releasing me. I finally looked up, to see the familiar glaze of desire in his eyes. He quickly looked down, the tip of his ears red. David released me and stepped back.

"Bye Ruth."

Stay. I swallowed hard and nodded. "Bye." It was always so hard watching him walk away. But that's what he needed to do. Who was I to ever ask him to stay? Who was I to ever demand that of a guy like that? I smiled brightly, pushing away all my fears and insecurities.

"Go get 'em cowboy."

David shook his head and left as he exited the kitchen. I turned and closed my eyes. God, why was everything so difficult?

***

"Well Ruth, I'm sorry this has happened. I haven't seen you since your mother's passing. how are you feeling?"

"I can't sleep."

"How long has this been going on?"

"It's been two weeks now. It's gotten worse."

"Are you saying the trazodone isn't working? I know the dosage we've prescribed has worked well over the years."

"It's not....I don't know. I can't sleep. I'm awake all hours of the day. I can't breathe...i feel anxious, panicky, like something's going to happen. I'm unable to calm down...i can't calm down...i haven't..i haven't...."

"Okay, Ruth take deep breaths....deep breaths...there we go. You think the panic attacks are coming back?"

"Yes...i've had about six this week...more frequently than when my mom passed away."

"And I see here, that you were seeing another bereavement therapist...Dr. Kitch....how is that going?"

"Dr. Kitch is good...old...but nice."

"Do you want to keep him....or do you want me to recommend another---"

"No...no, i'll stay with Dr. Kitch."

"I'm sorry i can't see you as often as we both would have liked...my schedule is full, but Ruth...I want you to be consistent. I want you to continue---"

"Are you worried that i might do something?"

".....I wasn't before...why would you say that? Ruth talk to me."

**

I sat at the counter with my new prescriptions and my glass of red wine. I slowly inhaled the smoke, allowing the weed to ingrain itself into my senses and numb my body.

I clicked on the link and purchased the album, downloading it to my spotify.

I wasn't into the Christian music scene but it's been already a week and David's song Crossroads had been at number 1 the entire week. I smiled sadly. He was so fucking talented. That adorable good-ass kid.

I put down my joint and picked up my wine, playing his song again. Closing my eyes, allowing his voice to serenade me in my dark living room.

I drank heartily and chuckled. Honestly if he'd ever wanted to switch genres and hit with that smooth R&B, his voice could be pure sex. I leaned further into my couch, feeling my body grow heavier and heavier.

I lazily clicked on my phone, letting the voicemail play.

"Ms. Hastings, this is Professor Cohen. My condolences for your lost. I just wanted to remind you, I have granted you an extension on your final. I highly recommend you take it. What you turned in yesterday, was not at all the work I know you're capable of. Shoot me an email or you may call me at----"

"Ruth, it's Yalinah, just checking up on you. How's everything going---"

"Hey Ruth love it's Jordun, sorry I wasn't able to be around much. But call me love. You know you're like my little sister. I'm just a little worried you're not returning my calls. Call. We're here.

"Ruth are you fucking serious right now. Seriously. You're tryna ghost me. Look i get your going through shit, but I'm here! I'm fucking here, don't do this shit."

"Hey Ruth, it's Brenda. Look Ms. Greer said the house has a lot of potential, but maybe we should start clearing some things. I know you said to just go ahead and do it, but there might be somethings you want. I don't think it's our place to touch. How about you give me a call."

"Ruth this is the 4th time I'm calling. Pick up the phone."

"Hey..."

I opened one eye at the familiar low voice.

"Don't shut everybody out. Yalinah and Jordun, are getting worried. Mom says you're not returning her phone calls. We're here for you. I'm praying for you. Please be safe. Just....just call them and let them know you're okay....or let me know you're okay."

I picked up my phone and stopped the rest of the voicemails as David's tired voice faded out.

Wasn't he touring with his favorite Christian rock band right now?

I sighed and clicked on his name. He didn't need to worry about me. He had a lot more to focus on right now.

I'm okay. Thanks. I'll call the others.

i messaged him and was about to put the phone down, when i continued and sent quick I'm okay messages to Yalinah and Jourdun. Just busy with school. I'll talk to them soon.

i clicked on Brenda's name and groaned and put the phone down. She'll talk so much, and probably want me to go home. I'll wait on contacting her.

I scrolled through my voicemail and clicked with a trembling finger.

"Hey Ruthie!

"Hi RUTH! Are you coming to my recital."

"Just checking in. I put some money in your account, for you to buy a flight. Are you going to come home next weekend? Don't forget about Isaiah's recital."

"Yeah don't forget about my recital!"

My body felt warm as tears welled in my eyes. I dropped the phone and cried harder. Loud and unashamed, in the comfort of my dark and lonely living room.

**

"I mean here's the thing Susie, yes he's a christian and he's upholding moral standards, but he's also human."

"Absolutely. You know I don't see anything wrong with making out with your girlfriend in her pool. Now what's sickening is they don't have any privacy. The paparazzi pictures are what most people should be talking about, and not just two adults i must say. He's 22, let's not forget, and she's...how old is Flower Garcia."

"21."

"You see, super young, in their prime. They are simply kissing."

"Yes, but being a Christian artist you are held to higher standards unfortunately."

"Nobody here in this day and age truly believes that these young artists are simply holding hands. Come one. Let's get serious."

"They might not be, but they---"

"It was in the privacy of their home. It wasn't even out in public. I'm sure Flower Garcia did not intend for paparazzi to be climbing the fence of her home, to catch her and her boyfriend making out."

"You know, unfortunately David has blown up over night, with his album sells and streaming views, climbing charts after charts. And not just with the Christian audience."

"Exactly he's talented, he's handsome and the world loves him and wants him. So these little mistakes unfortunately as a celebrity, a Christian celebrity at that, cannot be made."

"So he has to act like a pious nun."

"He does."

"You see. That's what i don't agree with. We were all young once, we know what we're surrounded with. He was never caught drinking, this isn't a ssex scandel, this isn't reckless driving, this is an innocent kiss with his girlfriend.

"You know I think what's truly making this blow up, was the fans that broke into his house. It was the pictures of themselves, in his bed, even though, let's all be clear. He was not home. Everybody knows he was not home. But I think two of those girls were minors you know----"

"That was not his fault."

"Absolutley not, but you can see why these parents are now screaming, first the break in, but now the making out....every little thing, he's going to be scrutinized."

"It's as if they want him to fail. They want to prove oh look...he's just like everybody else."

"Poor kid. Anyways. I wish him the very best. He's a talented young man, I've also been listening to his album nonstop, that voice."

"He just needs to be careful. He does."

**

"Good morning Brenda...." i replied groggily.

"Ruth we're not touching anything." Brenda replied. "Nothing until you come here. You want to sell this place, you get your behind over here..."

I groaned.

"Are you hungover?" She demanded.

"I'm tired."

"Humph....when are you coming?"

"I don't have time----"

"Take one of those morning flights and I'll be able to get you from the airport."

"Mrs. Herman----"

"Look, i'm looking at the website right now. There's one in two days, leaving Hartsfield-Jackson at 10:30. Oh that's a good time."

I groaned again. "Mrs. Herman....leave me alone."

"Leave you alone? God only knows what you're up to over there. I owe it to Robert, to make sure you're all good. Now you go on ahead and you book this flight, or best believe Ruth Hastings, I will be knocking at your door to personally escort you."

I groaned and hung up, throwing the phone away and covering the blanket over my head. "Whatever."

To be fair, i was half asleep when she called me. Also my days were blurred. I didn't know when one day began or when the other ended. I didn't even know what day it was now. I was so happy, i'd begged my dad to give me my own apartment, so I didn't have roommates. I wanted, nobody or nothing to do with anything. I was so tired. So tired.

So....i wasn't sure how many days had passed since I'd talked to Ms. Herman. I mean...I was going to call her back. Eventually. I was going to go back home and clear the house...eventually. Just not...not right now.

But the fucking endless ringing of the doorbell? Seriously? If nobody comes, then nobody is home.

"What? What the fuck! What do you want?" I yelled yanking the door open in frustration. My body ran cold as my mouth dropped open. Literally it could have hit the floor. As I stared at the two guests, staring back at me in my silk pink short short pjs and crop top.

Brenda Herman crossed her arms over her chest. "It's four in the afternoon Ruth, why are you still in PJs?"

"Hi Ruth." Yalinah stared at me apologetically. "Are you ready to go?"