Joke 1:
A boss took one of his employees to show his new sports car.  "That is amazing" the employee was fascinated.  "That is true" replied boss "and if you set your new goals higher and work even harder I can get an even better car next year".

Joke 2:
Why are we so sure that Eve was African?   If she were white, she wouldn't have eaten that apple!   She would say, "Is this organic? What would Oprah do?"   If she had been Asian, she'd have eaten the damn snake!

Joke 3:
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.  “Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”  “Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.  “No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug.”  "Do you want a room with or without a view?"

Joke 4:
Mom can I buy some heels?  No.  Mom can I buy a bra?  No.  Mom can I buy a dress?  No.  Mom can I buy a barbie doll?  No. You never let me buy anything!  Shut up, Justin.

Joke 5:
If I could bring one dead person back to life Id bring back Walt Disney.   Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction...

Joke 6:
An archaeologist in Egypt was taking a walk in the town square one morning.   He had to get back to the hotel for a meeting but had forgotten his wristwatch.  He was walking by an old man sitting on a low stool by his camel and asked if he knew the time.   The old man slowly reached over and pushed the camels testicles to one side and then released them, letting them swing to a stop.   "10:27" he said.   The archaeologist was stunned as he had never seen someone tell time like that before.   He rushed back to the hotel to find his colleagues and then brought them back to the town square to find the old man.   Having found him again, the archaeologist said, "I will give you this $50 bill if youll show me how you tell time.   The old man pocketed the $50 bill and said, "OK, kneel down here with me and put your head close to mine. Now swing the camels testicles out of the way. Now, can you see the clock on that building over there?"

Joke 7:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.    After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.  Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”  "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.  "And what do you deduce from that?"  Watson ponders for a minute.  "Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.   Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.   Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.   Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.   Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe."   But what does it tell you, Holmes?"  Holmes is silent for a moment.    "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Last Joke:
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.  If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.  If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.  If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.  If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.  Stay on the line so we can trace your call.  If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.  If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.  If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.  If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.  If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line.  If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone  number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.  If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully  press 000.  If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep.  Or after the beep.  Please wait for the beep.  If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.  All our operators are too busy to talk to you.  If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.  If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.  If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…