"Wow." Asiya's jaw dropped quicker than the New Year's Eve ball as she dragged her eyes over Kulthum.

"Kulthum, you've changed."

Kulthum, you've changed. Kulthum, you've changed. KuLtHum Y0U'vE chAngEd. K u l t h u m y o u ' v e ,  c h a n g e d. Kulthum, you've changed. K-u-l-t-h-u-m-y-o-u-'v-e-c-h-a-n-g-e-d. Kulthum, you've changed. Kulthum. You've. Changed. Kulthum, you've changed.

Asiya sat back while nodding slightly. "Kulthum, you've changed." She repeated her statement with more confidence. There was more certainty in Asiya's conclusion and more judgment in her voice.

Had everyone been abducted by aliens this year and had experiments performed on them? Had a weird glitch whittled down everyone's vocabulary to those three words, nearly making them illiterate? Was this a sign of the day judgment? Kulthum asked inwardly. Maybe it was because she was running out of earthly reasons to explain why people had forgotten that hello was the customary way to greet someone.

Kulthum rolled her eyes. She rolled them so hard that if she believed in that stuff, she was sure she would see her ancestors and start speaking in her mother tongue when her brown eyes temporarily disappeared under her lid.

"Urgh." Kulthum spat the sound out of her mouth with exaggerated disgust.

She threaded her hands through her micro braids and pulled them, but not with enough force for them to fall out. They were expensive.

Kulthum wanted to scream.

That was all everyone was saying. Hellos, salams, and how are yous were replaced with those three words whenever people saw her.

Kulthum, you've changed.

If a pregnant woman waddled in front of someone with a big, stiff belly, one that was so big it blocked sunlight and occupied someone's entire view, people wouldn't say anything. If the pregnant woman wore a bright badge that said, 'I'm carrying', people wouldn't tell the woman that she had changed or looked different. People would pretend she wasn't pregnant until the woman announced it.

So why did people think it was okay to point out her differences?

Still, maybe Kulthum should've been grateful her sister had greeted her this way. Even if it was with a phrase Kulthum didn't like.

Asiya had greeted Kulthum in a better way than Aminah, their eldest sister, had when she had last seen Kulthum. Aminah had scoffed so harshly that Kulthum was sure Aminah had coughed up her vocal cords alongside phlegm and saliva.

Aminah hadn't even seen Kulthum properly. She had only seen Kulthum's upper half and had decided that was bad enough.

Aminah had always been strict, and sometimes Kulthum saw her big, big sister as a bit of a prude. But who would've guessed that all it would take was a few gold and silver earrings thoughtfully pierced into Kulthum's skin, a smoky eye and black and brown waist-length braids sprouting out of Kulthum's scalp for Aminah to clutch a Quran against her chest and hiss out the word heathen?

Okay. That was an exaggeration.

Aminah had simply recited a few Quranic verses on the rules of showing your adornments in Islam. However, when Kulthum combined Aminah's khutba and her critical, hard eyes, it was enough for Kulthum to feel like she had been accused of witchcraft.

Asiya's eyes scrolled over Kulthum's body like a mouse moving over results produced by a search engine.

"It's rude to stare," Kulthum snapped while she clicked her fingers in front of her sister's face. The answers her sister was looking for weren't on her body.

"Sorry...It's just that you look different. You've–"

Kulthum yawned through Asiya's sentence. "You've already said that."

"Yes, Asiya. I've got some piercings and boobs now, Asiya. They came in late, but we knew they would develop eventually, and thank God they did. They were one of the few genes I wanted to inherit," Kulthum snipped as she used her hand to cup her right breast through her white cotton crop top.

Asiya's features squeezed together, and to Kulthum's comfort, she unlatched her gaze from Kulthum.

Kulthum was tired of the scrutiny. The judgment. The looks. She hated the way people moved their eyes over her body whenever they saw her. It made her feel slimy and uncomfortable. Their eyes felt like wet tongues tacking over her skin.

Kulthum hated how people dissected her appearance and used it to build their own Mr Potato idea of who she was and what her beliefs and opinions were.

"I'm sorry," Asiya apologised. "I'm not judging you. I swear! I'm just surprised! I haven't seen you properly since before you started uni again, which was almost a year ago."

Her older sister gently placed her hand on top of Kulthum's own.

Kulthum's shoulders dropped as her body switched out of fight mode and surrendered itself to Asiya's touch.

"I promise I'm not judging you," Asiya swore.

Asiya had always been the more sensitive sister. The advocate. The one who helped. She was more willing to listen and understand one's perspective before she stated her own.

Asiya stretched and moulded her grace to fit over her family members. She was extra patient with them, especially with Kulthum. Asiya was one of the few people who had known Kulthum for her entire life by taking the time to get to know her.

Guilt kissed its way up Kulthum's throat as Asiya stroked Kulthum's hand with a feathery touch.

Asiya's hands had held Kulthum together many times.

How could Kulthum think that the sister who had made herself available to her at every bus stop of her life was judging her?

It wasn't in Asiya's nature. Which was part of the reason why Kulthum came to her first.

"I'm just worried," Asiya said.

Asiya stopped stroking Kulthum's hand, and Kulthum almost whimpered. She didn't want her sister to let go. Kulthum felt like she would loosen and fall apart if Asiya wasn't holding her.

Asiya stirred the melting ice in her drink with her straw. "The last time I saw you...you didn't look like this, and aren't you supposed to be somewhere in Scotland?"

"Fife," Kulthum said.

"Yes. Fife. Sorry. This thing," Asiya lightly knocked the side of her head, "is so unreliable now."

Kulthum hummed.

"Anyway. Sorry for starting off like that. I appreciate you coming to visit me. Your text was a surprise but a good one," Asiya grinned.

Kulthum gave Asiya a tight smile as she felt something begin to pile in her throat.

"Aminah will be so jealous." Asiya wagged her tongue. "You came all this way to visit me without being asked. Mum will be so jealous. Ha! I told everyone I was your favourite!"

That thing continued piling. It was building tower blocks and skyscrapers in Kulthum's throat, making it difficult for her to talk and breathe through the congestion.

No. No. No! Kulthum repeated inwardly.

She thought that by leaving, she'd be leaving behind whatever this feeling that liked to claw up her throat was.

No. No. No.

It couldn't have followed her halfway across the country.

Not here. It can't happen here, Kulthum inwardly pleaded. Not now.

She couldn't stop breathing in public, in front of all these people. The last time that happened, someone called an ambulance.

Kulthum's stomach twisted at the memory of the circle of people that had formed around her struggling, writhing body to separate her from the crowd and give her space to breathe. However, their well-intentioned bodies hadn't been able to keep out the feeling of the world ending.

Kulthum's body had malfunctioned that day. Her senses had worked overtime. It was as though Kulthum had been plunged under water. Every sound was heightened, louder and deeper and had vibrated through her before being smothered and dulled by the sound of her accelerated heartbeat.

My heart.

Kulthum shifted her wrist and tried to secretly look at her fitness watch without drawing her sister's attention to the flashing screen.

Last time, Kulthum had been sure she was having a heart attack.

She had felt like the sky was made of glass, and someone had punched a hole through it, and all the pieces were about to rain over her, so she had curled her body into a shape that would feel like a shelter with her hands creating a roof over her head.

It hadn't worked, though.

That feeling had refused to leave her. Kulthum's heart had felt like it was being pressed under someone's foot. She hadn't been able to breathe, and she had ended up passing out.

However, the A&E doctor had informed her she hadn't had a heart attack and had loosely diagnosed her with something else.

Despite the fact Kulthum had been gasping on the floor like a fish out of water, she felt like the calling of the ambulance was unnecessary and a waste of NHS funds.

The average wait time for an ambulance was an hour in Scotland. Who did I kill that night? Kulthum questioned inwardly because even though it had felt like it, she hadn't been the one dying.

"Your ticket must've been expensive. Same day tickets always are. I'm grateful you thought I was worth the money, but I'll give you the money back. Student life is already hard enough," Asiya said before sipping her drink.

Then there was her sister. Her sweet sister thought she had bought a ridiculously expensive ticket and taken a ridiculously early, long train to London because she missed her. Whereas Kulthum was here to use her.

I'm a horrible person, Kulthum said to herself.

"So, did you want to do anything in particular?" Asiya asked, oblivious to the way Kulthum's throat was tightening.

The skin that lined Kulthum's throat seemed to be growing, mutating and folding over itself, restricting her airway.

"I can't do much, I can't stand for very long, but you've always been the fun one. I'm sure you have some ideas I'll be able to get behind. Actually, when's your train back?"

Kulthum couldn't do this. She couldn't listen to Asiya ramble about how they would have a good time when she knew they wouldn't. Not after what she was about to tell her. What she was about to drag Asiya into.

"I don't have a train back," Kulthum choked out. Her voice was quiet. It had just managed to slip out of her throat before it closed.

"What?"

Kulthum closed her eyes. She gripped the table's edge and drew in multiple shallow breaths through her nose, trying to expand her airway and force everything she needed to say out of her.

"I don't have a train back," Kulthum repeated. "I didn't book a return."

Kulthum watched Asiya's features slug downwards as she tried to understand what she had just said. It wouldn't be hard for Asiya to if she was really listening to her. It wasn't mental maths. No return ticket meant no going back. Ever. 

"But you have uni," Asiya said.

"I don't have a return ticket 'cause I'm not going back," Kulthum said. Her voice sounded shaky like she was cold.

Kulthum drew in a breath that was more than shallow but not quite deep enough to fill her lungs, so she sputtered and spoke quickly to get everything out of her before she ran out of air again.

"That's why I'm here, Asiya. I need somewhere to stay."

"What do you mean you need somewhere to stay?" Asiya asked slowly.

"I'm not going back!" Kulthum cried, frustrated. 

Her throat felt like it was being wrung by dry hands, and tears were beading in the corner of her eyes because of how painful it was. "I can't. I've been expelled."

"Expelled?" Asiya spluttered. "How? What! When?"

Kulthum chewed her bottom lip as her breath stuttered through her nose like the exhaust of a car filled with the wrong type of fuel.

She dropped her head, closed her eyes and focused on her breathing. She felt like she was going to be sick.

"Not here. Not in public. Please," Kulthum whispered.

Even though her request wasn't meant for her, Asiya spoke. "Okay. Fine. You'll be fine, Kulthum. It'll be okay," she said softly.

Kulthum nodded before she silently inhaled long, deep breaths. Ones that could uncurl the unnatural shape her chest had twisted itself into.

"We'll discuss that later. But what do you mean you need somewhere to stay?" Asiya questioned. "Where's all your furniture? Your stuff? Just go home."

"I can't," Kulthum said quietly as she looked at Asiya.

"Why? What did mum and dad say?"

Kulthum's eyes fell.

"Oh," Asiya gasped softly. "Oh," she said again, her mouth round and her voice deep with realisation.

Asalamu alaykum, everyone! Hello! This is chapter one. 😝. Beginnings are always sweet. Do you know who I'm quoting? 👀.

Actually, unless you've reread/read A&Y, you probably won't. 🥹 *sigh* Asiya and Yusuf. Are their cameos a sign that I love them so much and don't want to let them go? 🥲. (I can't right now anyway; I've spotted way too many typos in the rewrite. 🙃).

Contrary to what Yusuf said, this beginning feels bittersweet to me!

I feel so nervous uploading this, my hands are literally shaking (always the dramatic one, aren't I? 😩) as I type this. Honestly, my confidence and belief in my abilities and writing crashed, burned and died over this past year. A series of unfortunate events. 😔. I don't even know why. I'm hoping, though, inshAllah, as the book continues and as I write, it'll come back. Al-Sami has heard me! 🫶🏾.

🌝 > this is me realising how long this note is becoming. I'll wrap it up now.

Kulthum has been expelled! 😳. Who knew you could get expelled from a university!? 👀. They don't even monitor lecture attendance! Although they all claim that they do 🤣.

I'd love to read your guesses about why in the comments 👀. Anddd your thoughts on this chapter! 🫶🏾. All thoughts are appreciated. 🤍.

As usual! The glossary for each chapter will be included at the end!

I really hope you enjoyed this chapter. 🤍. See you on the next one, inshAllah!

Salam: shortened version of Asalamu Alaykum. A greeting.

Quran: The thing that is recited. The religious book.

Khutba: A sermon.