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✧ ೃ༄*ੈ✩

❝ my god this reminds me
of when we were young. ❞

[ present day ]

the stares we exchanged for minutes that passed like hours under the sky had tossed me memories i only unlock whenever i needed writing inspiration. there were so many flashbacks running through my brain like a slideshow.

it set the mood somehow.

i kissed you then.

it garnered similarities from our first, considering how both of our hesitation-flavored lips still acted frozen and how our cheeks were redder than sanguine dresses.

but, unlike last time, you were clearly not into it.

"no."

i only came back to my senses when you pushed me away, the glare i've feared ever since present.

at that moment, i didn't know what knocked on my mind and why i chose to let it in. i could only be ever so apologetic.

"i-i'm so sorry i-"

"i've read your book, you know."

"did you- did you like it?"

you subtly wiped your lips, a bittersweet smile on it.

"it's what you came to me for, isn't? to fix the real story? our story," you said. "but mark, it's been four years since that happened. i've never held big grudges. you don't have to feel guilty anymore."

my hands rubbed the nape of my neck, chuckling although nothing about the moment was funny. "i didn't even know what 'that' was. heartbreaking? yes. but i'm still confused."

"it was teenage love and a teenage breakup. i heard it really fucks with you like that."

we shared a good laugh at the simple joke (though it wasn't really false), the awkwardness i created dying down a little.

out of genuine curiosity, i asked, "i made you the happiest, didn't i?"

the look of eagerness to answer in you calmed me.

"of course you did. you were my first love! nothing beats the joy brought by someone's first love."

"but that was a problem," you continued. my heart dropped a little there. "you were only ever there when i was happy. i was your 'full-sun' after all. it hurt me. when i was down i never saw you. you were always somewhere i wasn't. you had your own baggage too, maybe even heavier, but at 16 i didn't understand that. i was desperate for coddling.

"i had my wrongs too, of course. i only ever wanted to be with you because i was basically obsessed. i just wanted the thought of mark lee: that awkward hot guy who always wears his cap reversed. i didn't care to spend my time knowing all of your little details. i was careless with it."

you cackled halfway. "do you remember xiaoxiao? the one good at lettering back in twelfth grade? i always asked her to do your name on all my stuff until my ink runs out. even pen tattoos. your name alone made me so fucking happy.

"i liked you so much that until now, i remember how quick my heart beats whenever we pass each other during lunch time. and how many inside jokes my friend group had about you. goddamn.

"and we were happy, very happy with each other, but it was short-term. and it was so bound to fall off, but we never really planned that relationship out, did we? it's not your fault you fell out of it.

"you wanted less, i wanted more. how would that work? 'opposites attract' didn't work for us. i already have the girl i'll spend my entire life with. and you, you just need a person who'll give you your space but still wait on you because they really care. who'll understand the way you love. you deserve that someone.

"and that someone isn't me, mark."

unknowingly, my tears fell from your heart-wrenching yet heartfelt words paired up with your sweet gaze focused on me. i looked away, foolishly thinking you didn't notice my crying.

i've never cried in front of you before.

"let's just . . . stay as what we are right now, yeah? whatever this is anyway," you said.

with that, you pulled me in your embrace, my head under your chin. it was enough to make my silent sob grow, lip bitten to keep it at the same volume.

in your arms, i realized, perhaps this is already my happy ending. the 'closure' i craved. the alternate ending my readers begged for in my novel based on us.

the stars aren't aligned for you and me, and i just have to accept it. i must to live on.

for the last time, i love you, haechan.

✧ ೃ༄*ੈ✩

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