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[ flashbacks (before the breakup) ]

! long chapter hihi merry christmas

the saturday meet up with your family at your home had finally been settled.

i was trembling on the way. the only thing retaining my sanity was the way your thumb softly caressed the back of my hand while we were inside the taxi.

it was as if that silent gesture alone whispered words like 'there's nothing to worry about'.

was it really the gesture or was it just your presence?

and your home already looked warm from the outside. i can't explain how that description came to me, but it just seems right in my head.

considering how the inner space was entirely occupied by your parents, grandparents, and three siblings, we were greeted with noise.

noise i admired. it was the one i've always dreamt to have at home during the years of my childhood. noise built up of laughter, of hilariously dumb statements, and of comfort to shield the household from loneliness establishing.

i craved it more than my voice echoing from the silence with each little spoken word within the halls at home. craved it more than the fact that noise only comes to our house because my dad's wine addiction fucks with his head early in the morning. craved it more than living in a spacious mansion.

i envy you, honestly.

how good of a life you have.

while seated on the round table, i could hear a few uttering such a pretty young boy and it's the guy donghyuck talks about all the time. it was flattering, to say the least. i couldn't even reply on the spot.

"i heard you write!" your dad exclaimed. no one, apart from you, had sounded so excited over talking about my works. "hyuck here made us read all your love letters."

"oh— oh he did?"

once i shifted my gaze to you, your cheeks were bright red as you death-stared your dad.

"write a poem for me." your grandma then tugged on my sleeve with her other hand on her cheek. "one as pretty as i am."

everyone burst into laughter, reasons either being the ridiculousness or how adorable she was acting.

"of course, madam. i could even write you an essay!" i said.

as the night progressed, all the worries i held on to at first flown away along with my agitation. the conversations with each of them joyed me to no ends.

i felt like i was at home.

everybody handed me more and more food until my stomach had reached its heaviest point. i was even given leftovers.

i didn't want to leave, but it was already nearing midnight. what a shame.

since your whole family walked me to the gate, they managed to bid farewell in unison, "come by again!"

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we had dinner with my parents the next evening.

there circulated awkwardness. the vibe was very unlike the one with your family. very.

"this is your boyfriend?" mom shot you the umpteenth dirty look. she wasn't even eating. she was just running her fork through the moist leaves.

somehow, you were still smiling.

you tried to initiate conversation. "mrs. lee, i really—"

"shhh."

you were shushed. with no particular reason. nobody was even there to interrupt. nothing was even there to focus on. she probably just didn't want to hear your voice (which was improper).

things were not going as i expected it.

"are you qualified for graduation honors?"

those fucking questions began coming. fuck.

"n-no. no, but i'm trying."

"any extracurriculars?"

"i sing, ma'am. won a few contests."

"do you think you're gonna get far with that?"

dad noticed the tension. "honey."

she continued nonetheless. "mark, i said i'd support you, but you're making it hard by bringing boys like thi—"

allowing myself to sit there and watch you get tormented by my mom and her words made me uncomfortable. i took your hand and pulled you up from your chair, you clearly unsure.

"we're going."

mom slammed her fork hard on the table while we continued walking, thinking it would grab my attention.

"we're not done talking."

"whatever."

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"haechan i'm— i'm so sorry."

she's always been like this.

never was she satisfied with any of the significant people in my life. not with ten, who she says is 'too clean to be a real man'. not with johnny, who she says will live a life full of sin and failure since 'that's how every kid whose both parents work abroad end up'. not with jaehyun, who she only dislikes because the jungs seemed off to her for no valid reason. not with anyone.

and now you. you who i feared would go through all this hassle the most. you who i wanted to raise the spirits up off by letting you know that you have the support of the meanest woman in the world. why won't things just work my way this once?

in the middle of my sinking in the void my brain held, you cupped my face, making me look into your eyes that still sparkled, to your lips that still plastered my favorite smile.

"it's okay, marki! love you still."

but it wasn't okay. no.

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