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[ 2016 flashbacks ]

"hyuck, you know i didn't mean it!"

my foolishness got the best of me again.

"shut the fuck up!"

so here we are late in the night, your home's door between our shouts as you were inside and i was out in the cold. this was all brought by my foolishness. all brought by me.

"i'm the only one fighting for this stupid relationship anyway. god!" you continued, all the anger running through your voice as continuous as the tears in your eyes. "i'm the only one having sleepless nights, waiting for you to call or text just to get a dry 'ok'. i'm the only one exhausted from all the baggage we were supposed to carry together while you continue to live easy.

"and you're falling out of it first? what the fuck do you bring to the table anyway, huh? what?

"do you even love me, mark? was there even love to fall out of for you in the first place?"

your words that cut deeper than knives. i could not say anything in strong opposition so i just knocked harder on the wood as i yell out my despair, not even thoroughly thinking out what my spill would be this time from the rush.

"yes! yes, i do love you! so, so much! so i'll make it up to you now just— just open the door."

none of the knocks that caused my knuckles to almost bleed nor any of scream that had worn my throat out made you give in.

"haechan! come on!"

i knew how much you loved that given nickname. especially rolling from my tongue. the imagery of your red cheeks the first time i came up with it remained vivid.

but now, it was evident you didn't feel that way. the burst of emotions gave it away. your sobs, though quieter, still found its way to whisper to me emotions that have been pulling you down.

definitely the worst time to pull out a cute nickname.

i could almost imagine your pink, puffed up face covered with saline fluid, eyes too red and blocked by another batch of tears for you to see clearly, and lips chapped. how you'd even bury that face in your hands had crossed my mind.

seeing its actuality would break me.

"it's over, mark."

and the one storm i feared the most came. it cruelly washed things out quicker than any tidal wave. it inflicted more damage than any hazard.

it took time to sink in for me.

"n-no no please i—"

"fucking go!"

my heart had already felt like a broken vase which pieces were getting stepped on by people with such hard shoes. the suffering in your voice was a factor. i did not care to argue any further.

it's what you want. it's for the best. for your best.

teary-eyed, i walked away from your porch, which, despite the colorful arrangement of flowers, boosted my melancholy. after all, i was walking away from your life, greeted by flowers who seemed look at me insultingly by bragging about their brightness. their joy.

and i lost you, hyuck. just like that.

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