I'll be good | Jaymes Young

50 Storeys High

Standing at the edge of the roof of a building fifty storeys, sixty storeys, or even seventy storeys high- I was not sure, I never bothered to find out- with the toes of my bare feet just reaching over the edge, I was terrified of the decision I'd made and how far I'd come to accomplishing it.

The view was nice, the bright night lights of the city were mesmerising and the chilly, harmonious wind whistled in my ear as it brushed past me, ruffling my hair and my nightshirt as well. My heart beat faster than that of an Olympic runner. My thoughts were all over the place, too. But one thing was certain; there was no going back at this point.

There was absolutely nothing to go back to, anyway. Was it my mum who just burnt half of my face with a pressing iron, or her numerous boyfriends who always called me names? The most frequent boyfriend never stopped calling me an abomination and a disgrace to my name and myself.

Of course I didn't believe the things he said to me- or any of them said to me- I knew that already. My whole life had been a montage of misery and mishaps which constantly proved that my existence was the worst mistake a certain someone had made. That someone being my mum.

At some point I had to admit that my mother was a whole lot better than my father who dumped her, leaving her alone to deal and live with an abomination like me. Even before they had found out about me, they'd been fighting and he never really appreciated my presence. He never felt comfortable that I breathed the same air with him even before they found out. So there were probably more reasons behind his abandonment.

Taking a deep breath- possibly my last breath- I pulled one foot forward and dangled with the other at the edge. I refused to look down, but my curiosity got the best of me and I did look down. However, I wasn't scared or discouraged in the least bit. I saw salvation glistening on the cold, hard tar of the ground a fatal drop away.

I just had to take one more courageous step. Maybe thinking about my miserable life would give me all the encouragement I needed.

Shifting my gaze to the star lit night sky, I let myself bask in the light of the moon and the shimmering gracefulness of the free, liberal stars. Hopefully, I was going to be one of them soon, then I would bless the night sky of this decayed world even though the people I tried my best for did not appreciate me.

That was enough dilly-dallying from me, I couldn't wait to join the stars. They were calling on to me.

Releasing the pressure in my hands which I'd unintentionally folded into fists and continued to squeeze so hard, I joined the first foot with the other one and let gravity take control of my body.

The wind so loud in my ears, it blocked out every other sound of the night. The natural forces of this world pulling me down so quickly, everything else seemed like a blur. If I'd thought my heart was racing before, I was greatly mistaken. The alien thumping in my chest was the true form of thorough fear.

I took full cognizance of the way my body reacted to the fall, even the littlest reactions like my bladder suddenly opening up and messing up my pyjama bottoms. As the warm, foul smelling liquid rolled down my thighs, a rueful grin tugged at my lips as I thought; "I really am a useless mess and an utter waste of space."

I must've made it down a few storeys now. Gradually everything seemed to come together in a perfect blend, and my life began flashing before my eyes. I became a figurative kaleidoscope of memories. One would think that amidst all these memories, there would've been good ones at least, but there wasn't. And trust me, I tried my very best to find the good ones.

It appeared that there really was none.

Spreading my arms far apart and joyfully accepting the moments of my life that were dominant in my head, I watched. I watched and I felt all over again. I felt a familiar warmth trail down my face and I then realised that I actually was shedding tears. As funny as it might sound, I thought I was done doing that. Said warmth continued cascading down and falling into my ears as I kept my eyes fixated on the stars.

Their light had been comforting me all this while. I wasn't crying because I was scared. As a matter of fact, they were tears of joy. As the memories continued to flash through my mind, I noticed a wide somewhat grateful grin was plastered on my face. Reason? Because I was finally free from all of this- all the pain, all the suffering, all the maltreatment from the people I held so close to my heart.

My thirst for freedom was exactly what drove me to this point of no return.

By this time, I must've descended twenty more storeys and boy was I loving it. My life continued to play like a ruined VHS tape in my head and I enjoyed the show.

Being raped at the age of eight by my two "step brothers" from my mum's most frequent boyfriend, being sexually assaulted by every boy- and man- in my dirty, little, poor neighbourhood after they'd all found out that I was gay, being made mockery of and turned into the class clown for the rest of my junior year, being raped on countless nights in my boarding school by the same seniors who shoved me into lockers during the day.

A ghastly, weak chuckle escaped my throat when I recalled my mum's response after I told her about the seniors who continuously brutalised and traumatised me; "You better shut up about it, Druelle," she said. "You've caused enough problems already. Stop being an atrocity. If you stop being one, then they'll stop touching you. It's that simple."

But they weren't just touching me, they were tearing me open and forcefully making their way inside of me, leaving bruises that might disappear after a while, but emotional scars that would live with me forever.

Thankfully, I was bringing my forever to a quick end. I did not have to worry about it being so long anymore.

Surely, I must've been getting to the hard ground now, but I was getting a bit impatient. Happiness and freedom were both waiting for me on the other side. Spontaneously, the next memory transitioned right in with a glitch.

It was the one of my mum's boyfriend shoving his shaft down my throat and releasing his vile, bitter-tasting genes right into me. He forced me to swallow everything, all whilst spewing imprecations at me. The word "faggot" was the easiest word his limited vocabulary was able to furnish.

Of course I didn't tell my mum, I already knew what her response would be so I kept it all to myself. Moreover, I didn't want to cause anymore trouble. I was already enough trouble for my mum and every other living human being on this planet.

Amongst all these grim experiences, what hurt the most was the truth that I never had a friend, let alone a good one. I also never got the chance to know what being in love felt like. I never got the chance to know what my parents once felt before my unexpected arrival ruined everything for them.

I was never, not even for once, loved by anyone, and that hurt me more than everything else. If anyone did love me, they never showed it.

(Play the song now)

Spinning myself around in the air to find out just how close I was to finding bliss, I saw, once again, the welcoming arms of sweet demise. And then I smiled once again. I smiled because that had been my only true friend from the very start. I just didn't know until now.

Spreading my arms even wider, I shut my eyes as I descended faster and faster each passing second, nearing that peace of mind I wasn't so fortunate to acquire in this lifetime. My consciousness seemed to slowly slip away from me. It was being driven away by a very much welcomed surge of terror.

Finally exhausting all of its patience, my consciousness and my soul swiftly drifted away from the useless mass that was my earthly vessel.

One would say I died of shock, but no, I clearly did not. I knew I did not. I died of overexcitement which made me impatient. It didn't even let me complete the fall before passing over to join the stars in their luminous graciousness.

At long last, I could shimmer in the night sky with the stars. I died overjoyed, and when my body hit the cold, hard ground, I felt entirely numb.

With hope in my iced out heart, I prayed that if there was going to be a next life for me, it would be so much better than the one I just gave up.