Chapter Eighteen

Kelly

"I want to show you the progress - the church, the mall, the court and the diner and Sir Earl was asking about you."

Sonny gets off the skateboard and hands it over to me. He's got this fresh haircut slash hair style that looks great but yeah breath taking is the exact word. We are at the school parking lot standing next to his car. That hair and the sleeveless top are giving me whiplash.

"I can't. I have to go pick up Nate."

"Nate can come with us. They have an ice cream parlor set next to the diner."

Nate would kill me if he was here right now and I said no.

"What do you say?"

Well Sonny's company? Last time I checked wasn't so bad. He takes my skateboard and puts it in the back seat of his car never once breaking eye contact. "I take that as a yes?"

Fifteen minutes later.

I can't believe I missed all this. Matt was right.

"I knew you would love it." Sonny murmurs.

Nate shouts from the back seat. "Kelly look, Mom's diner? It looks great!" It sure does.

"You're lactose intolerant?" Sonny joins me outside the parlor handing me oreos. Nate is gone playing with other kids.

"The great Kelly Martin's can't drink milk." I laugh wondering in what way am I the great anything. "Honestly I can't spin my head around that."

"Something you don't eat that no one knows?"

"There is really nothing. I eat anything from fish to peanut butter. I was breastfed..." I start to think I've never laughed as hard as I do when I'm with Sonny.

When we get to the public basketball court there is a bunch of boys helping with the paint work. Matt leaves the group and joins us and carries Nate over his shoulder.

More than the diner this place holds a lot of memories.

From playing games against 'the old school network' crew to one on one's with Murphy and now with Sonny.

By the time we get home Nate is dead asleep. Sonny carries him inside the house. Suddenly I am aware of the living room - a couch and a plasma screen.

In the kitchen there is Kadja cooking up a storm.

"That's my cousin kadja and kadja this is Sonny my friend from school."

"It's great to meet you."

"You too hey. Make yourself at home I'll get this one to sleep."

"Yeah we will be in my room."

I'm a basement girl, have been for the past 8 years now.

All I need is my work station - with a world globe on it and a bunch of beds. Sonny can't keep his eyes on the hip hop posters. Yes I kind of got the vibe that he was a hip hop lover.

"I got them from the local store for half the price." 'The paid in full' poster - an homage to Eric B and Rakim, was from Murphy. He looks so serious like he is reading a Sanskrit dictionary.

"What? You expected a palace?"

He puts his hands in his pockets and looks directly at me.

"3 beds... Where do you sleep?"

I motion towards the lower bed on the bunk bed. My sweater is still lying there, left it this morning. Seems like a long time ago.

You know what else seems like a long time ago? Since Sonny has spoken. The room is quiet.

He looks away. There seem to be something on his mind.

"Are you free tomorrow? I would like to take you out for dinner."

For dinner?

"Are you asking me out on a date?"

"What do you say?"

"I can't I have assignments, Nat..."

"Yea can't say I didn't see this one coming. Apart from your 18 year old tutor, do you think you will ever see me as anything more?"

That knife cutting into my heart thing I felt when Robert overdosed, takes precedence again.

"Ever since the first time I saw you I've felt this way for you and I don't know if you feel the same for me. I want to know. I need to know. "

My heart seems to have flat lined.

"... Do you ever think about me?"

I say absolutely nothing.

He is hurt.

"I have to go."

I want to tell him to stay but instead I watch him leave.

I've never wanted to run after anyone so much in my life.

We still have the tutoring program but it's not the same.

He is closed off and distant.

I don't get to see him afterwards. It hurts like hell. When I see him in the corridors my heart about explodes and leaves an aching pain. What if I never talk to him again? What if he never smiles at me again? What if we run out of time?

I thought I was going to be okay but every time I see him or we look at each other, everything stops for a second.

I can't help but notice Kirsten partnering with Sonny during chemistry. I think at some point he even smiles. My chest feels like it's stretching.

"If you mess up again you're doing the whole experiment yourself. How many times do I have to tell you the same measurements?"

At least Matthias is around to destruct me.

He got his final warning from the principal's office - no skipping classes or else he is out.

"I'm sorry." I say trying not to fill a test tube but that cheerleader just put her hand on Sonny's arm.

Maybe because I have never actually touched him, it's such a painful thing to watch.

"You know what move." Matt's officially had it with me. It's burning in here. Matt drops the test tube to the ground.

"Matthias and Kelly ? What's going on over there?"

Sonny looks at me.

What the f*ck Matt?

So much for being the one who's got it together.

"Clean it up!" Mr. Bailey warns us.

As for Matt -"F*ck, be back in a minute."

"Language!"

Great. He is leaving me alone here. I can feel Sonny's eyes on me. When I usurp the courage to look back, we stare at each other for the longest time. Should I tell him we can be more? But it's been week's maybe he doesn't feel that way about me anymore or did he ever? Those cheerleaders they are always there at every game. Obviously he is playing with me. What an a**! ? F* it! I fell for it. His eyes, his body, his clothes.... Why would he want me? I look away.

I'm rehashing every moment in my head trying to find the defining moment, the one that puts things into perspective.

Was it the Craig incident, Aaron incident, or was it when he spoke to Sir Earl? Should I have picked it up then?

Matthias comes back with a cloth and starts wiping the table.

" Hey we should sign up for those scholarships."

Maybe because Sonny talked about them I agree.

Have I lost my mind ? At home I drop a mug down to the floor. I have no grip.

I never had a grip on him.

"Kelly! Are you okay?" I kneel down to pick up the pieces. Kadja rushes over. "Let me..."

"Shit. What have I done?" I ask looking at the mess that I have created on the floor. By just one look at my face Kadja knows...she knows my heart is tearing apart.

"Oh Kelly..." She drops the pieces and gives me a hug.