Edited

Published: Wednesday, February 13th 2019 6:39 pm

Collided- Chapter Twelve

            I made my way back downstairs to find Inayah sitting in the same place I left her. This time she had one of her books open with noticeable highlighted notes which meant that there was no way that I could get out of studying. She turned to me after I descended the last step.

          "I'm not letting you sleep." She voiced what I had originally thought. The good thing is that at least I wasn't physically tired anymore, just mentally. I sat down beside her and let out a deep breath, my eyes staring at nothing in front of me. She noticed. "You okay?" Her voice came out soft and caring, which reminded me of my own mother and how caring and kind she is. This only made me miss her even more. "Wanna talk about it?"

          "No." I quickly shook my head and grabbed the book in her lap and flipped to the first page. Inayah sighed at me and turned back to the page that she was on, indicating that I was wrong and she had already found the page. "I knew that." I said with a shrug, but she didn't believe me. I didn't believe myself either. "We might as well get started now."

"No nap?" She looked at me in confusion. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"I just feel like studying, that's all." I replied and tried to make it sound as sincere as possible. I wasn't ready for all of the questions she was going to ask me, nor did I want to answer. She's my friend– my best friend, but that didn't change my mind about being quiet. So I put on a convincing smile and made my self comfortable on the couch with the book in my lap. No more distractions, only game time.

***

We had studied for a good three hours before it was time for her to go home and help with dinner, and I did the same thing. Which is where I was now, in the kitchen with Amna and Tehreem, cutting up vegetables. Zack and Mina sat at the table.

          "I know this all seems like last minute." Tehreem had continued to say as she stood by the stove and looked between her three children. They were all quiet and unimpressed by what she was saying. "It won't be for long. Just a quick visit." She explained to them. I didn't expect them to understand much about what was going on with their parents. I doubt that Tehreem and Noor knew either.

          "Why is it a visit at all?" Zack asked in confusion. His arms were crossed on the table and his eyebrows were scrunched in confusion. He had a right to be confused and wonder what was going on, especially because neither of his parents told them anything about what Noor is doing. All that they know is that he's gone, which can be very confusing.

          "Did he move away from us? Forever?" Mina spoke up. The wide eyed sad look she had made me want to stop what I was doing and protect her. Then I looked at Amna. She stayed silent with her hands folded in front of her. Her eyes had not left the view of the floor since my sister started talking.

          "I know this is hard on all of you." Tehreem started. "But know that if he could be here, he would be."

          "Will he be here for our parties?" Zack asked. At the mention of their birthdays, Amna stiffened even more. "It's our birthdays." He said sadly. "He never misses those."

           "Yeah." Mina added with a nod. "Ever."

           "I'm sure he will try his best." Tehreem said, sighing. This had to be hitting her more than any of the kids. This was her husband, and she hadn't seen him in person in weeks. "When I go to see him we'll talk." She assured them.

            "I won't count on it." I stopped cutting up an onion long enough to join the rest of the family of turning to Amna, who had just spoken. She lifted her head up higher than it was, but her eyes remained a thousand miles away.

           My sister opened and closed her mouth to say something, but decided to remain quiet. How do you reply to a statement like that?

           "Just know that he loves you all." Tehreem opted to say with a tight lipped smile. "I'll be leaving right after the vigil tomorrow."

          "That soon?" I asked.

           Tehreem nodded. "Now or never right?" She chuckled. "You'll be okay. It's just for a few days."

            "Yeah." My voice seemed to have lost most of its sound as I responded.

            "That's all until dinner!" Tehreem clapped her hands together. "You're all free to go."

The kids wasted no time in leaving the kitchen without a word.

"That was easier than I thought it would be?" My sister commented once the kids were out of sight, and hopefully out of earshot. She went to season the meat. "I mean I knew they wouldn't be happy, but I didn't think they would be this okay?"

"It's because they know how good of a babysitter I am." I teased with a wide smile, and my sister only rolled her eyes.

"I understand now." She had continued to say after turning on the stove. She took the seat that Zack was sitting in to finish seasoning the food. I waited for her to continue. "I mean I get why Ayah was so upset, you know?"

I stopped cutting up the vegetables and looked to her. "You mean when Jafar left?" I clarified, an eyebrow high in questioning.

Tehreem nodded, confirming what I thought. "I get why she was angry why he left for as long as he did. Noor has only been gone for a few weeks and..." She blew out a breath. "Ten months seems impossible, especially without visits. I want to go to him now, which is why I still don't get why she didn't."

"It's been two years, Reema." I deadpanned. I could feel myself beginning to get angry and I had a reason too. It was no secret that I was the closest family member–besides Jafar–to Ayah since forever. We had become close and shared a bond that she didn't have with none of my brothers siblings. To hear Tehreem talk like this, like she has no understanding where Ayah was coming from, made me angry.

"I know." She shrugged. Her eyes weren't even on me, but on the food she was preparing. "That doesn't mean my feelings changed."

"They should." I scoffed. "You have no idea what she went through or why she didn't go to California. They were barely married three months before he decides to just leave! Not to mention he left us too."

"Still." My sister smirked, only angering me more. "Ten months. No visits. It doesn't and will never make sense. I'm glad they're happy now, Jamila. And I love my little niece to death. I just don't understand her thought process during that time."

"Wow." I shook my head in disbelief and continued to cut the vegetables, only slower now. The last thing I need is to end up in the emergency room with a cut finger. I already have on a brace for my wrist that will hopefully be coming off soon.

"C'mon!" Tehreem exclaimed. "I'm not the only one who thought this."

"Really?" It was my turn to smirk. "Zahrah too?" I asked about our oldest sister.

"No." Tehreem shook her head, surprising me. "No actually Zahrah understood and held Jafar at fault. Mama was on my side."

I paused, looking up at my sister mid cut in surprise. "What?" My voice was low, almost too low to hear. "Mama blamed Ayah too?"

"She didn't blame her for all of it, no." Tehreem waved off. "Like me, she didn't understand why she didn't go with him and support him." She explained. "She was no longer single and able to think for herself. She was a married woman, whether the wedding was three months ago or one hour ago. She should have gone with him."

"And be unhappy?" I asked my final question. Thankfully I was almost done with the vegetables which would give me a reason to leave the kitchen. "Marriage means you have to be unhappy?"

She sighed. "No Jamila. But you have to prepare yourself for what you'll get with it. Whether it's good times or bad. Prepare and plan accordingly."

           It was shocking to say the least to hear my sister say what she's saying about my other sister. Maybe it's because she doesn't know her like I do to realize how going probably would have affected her more than staying. I love my brother to death, but even I could see that he could have made it better. Everything that happened revolves around him, whether he likes it or not.

          "How come you never said anything to me sooner?" I asked, even though I already knew the answer. I was only a kid then.

Tehreem's laugh was unmistakable, almost comical. "You were what Jamila, barely sixteen or so when this all happened? That's not the type of conversation you needed to listen in on."

"Did you say anything to her?" I replied, and she raised a questioning brow. "Ayah." I answered the unspoken question. "Did you ever say anything to her?"

"No." She looked away quickly as she bit the inside of her check, rubbing the seasoning around our dinner. "I didn't. I may not like what happened, but Ummi, Abi, and her mother Aunt Amaya were all there. She didn't need to hear my input as well."

"Good." I said with finality. Tehreem was right on that part. Ayah was already hurt and missing Jafar not to mention angry. Her emotions were all over the place from what I could tell.

So to hear your husbands sister tell you what she thinks of you and how she doesn't like what you're doing would only make it worse. So for that, I was happy that Tehreem saw sense.

"I'm done." I announced on my way to the sink. "You need help with anything else?"

"Just set the ma'ida" She said, behind me. "But when you go upstairs, send Amna down to do her part."

"Okay." I replied, quickly drying my hands. After that I set the ma'ida down, and I went upstairs to my room to call my sister after finding Amna. She of course had been upset that I even knocked and stomped downstairs. She wasn't acting herself lately, and I wonder why

            It had been a while since I spoke to Ayah, and talking about her only made me miss them more than I already did. If only they never moved.

"Hi, Jamie!" Ayah exclaimed after the second time I called. The unmistakable sound of child's shriek was hard to miss. "Hayati is excited to hear from you too." She said, jabbing her finger behind her to where the little ladybug is no doubt.

"I realized it's been a while since I checked in." I said sadly. "So I wanted to say hi!"

"And we're glad you did." She replied, her smile sweet, which only made it harder to forget Tehreem and I's conversation. I would never tell her about it. Ever. "We're all here too."

"Out of sight, but here!" I could here my brother shout from the back moments before he appeared in front of the screen with Hayat. "Wait, are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" I asked in confusion.

He and Ayah shared a look. "You don't look like yourself." Ayah clarified, which showed how badly I was at showing my emotions lately.

"It's just been a long week." I waved them off with the most convincing smile I had. "With the shooting and all."

"I heard about that." Jafar said. "It wasn't far from you all, right?"

"It was?" Ayah gasped, her eyes wide as she looked at me. "Were you on lockdown?"

"No." I replied, which seemed to calm Ayah a bit after she released a breath of relief. I pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. "We're all okay and being careful like we have been our whole lives."

            "We live in harder times now." Jafar had said, looking down at his daughter lovingly yet protectively. "Remember to always be on alert of your surroundings."

            "I always am." I rolled my eyes.

           "Jamila i'm serious." He said, looking up at me in a way that made me listen and forget about whatever comment I had cooked up to say. "You're more of a target with a hijab on."

          "He's right." Ayah said, and they shared a look that said a thousand words that I didn't know. "Listen to him and be careful."

           "I will." I promised quickly at the sight of their worried faces waiting for me to respond, to say anything that let them know that I knew the danger that was I could end up in. Just because we are American and this country is suppose to be free doesn't mean we're exempt from any backlash, and I get that. I'm muslim and i'm a woman, which makes me vulnerable. I'll always acknowledge that. "I will." I repeated again, this time with a firmer tone. The second time I said it felt like a warning to myself to never forget and to not take back my word. Because after my sister leaves, i'll be in charge of not only myself, but three other people. I had to know this.

          "We just want you to be safe." Jafar said, this time softer than the last time he spoke, and Ayah nodded in agreement.

          "I know." I replied, taking my eyes off of them and looking down at Hayat. She looked to be in awe at the laptop screen in front of her and her hands reached out to hit it. "Ladybug!" I smiled brightly.

She shrieked again and lunged at the screen. "Meela!" She said the nickname that she gave me. Just hearing that made everything bad happening feel like it was disappearing. It didn't matter that after the call it would all come back. The only thing that matters is that it's gone now.

"I can't wait to see you again." I sighed, my shoulders slumping. "Just a few more months."

"Yeah." Jafar said, handing Ladybug over to Ayah so we could see each other better. "Just a few more."
***

wow, yet another chapter under a weeks time! i'm surprised my self.

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