Edited

Published: Tuesday, October 15th 2019 2:23 am

          After eating breakfast I marched up the stairs and to my sisters room, ready to start the day.

          "How long?" I stopped just before entering the door as I heard Mina's small voice. Even from outside of the room I could tell that they must have been begging her to stay. I was a step away from doing that myself until I realized that she never does get a break. Ever since her husband has been gone, she only works and takes care of the kids. Both tasks are hard, so her leaving for a few days wouldn't leave us in peril.

         "Just a few days." My sister replied softly. "A week at best."

          "Can I go with you?" Amina asked. "Please." There was a long pause and I could only guess what my sister was doing to calm her. She would hold her close and kiss her head while whispering about how much she loved her. I know because that what our mother did for us and what Tehreem did for me when I was younger. One thing they would know is how much they are loved.

           "Just a few days and I'll be with you again, my baby." She said and Mina began to laugh.

           "I'm not a baby anymore!" She declared, and even I got sad at how much she had grown since she was born. Time passes by fast when you're not paying attention.

            "You'll always be my baby." Tehreem said to her. "Even when you're thirty. Now let's hurry and finish this." At the sounds of zippers going and hangers hitting against each other filled my ears again, I made myself known and entered the room. Tehreem's eyes squinted at me. "I was wondering where you were!"

               I folded my arms as I stood in the doorway. "Need help?"

                "Do we?" Tehreem asked Mina and she shook her head, her hair flying around her face. "No I think we have it almost done. Is the car cleaned out?"

                 "I don't know, I just finished breakfast."

                "Then go make sure it is, and if it isn't, have Zack do it. Mina grab that scarf. Thank you."

                "Are you leaving after the vigil?"

           "That's the plan." She grunted as she lifted her suitcase up off of the floor and then frowned at me. "Not you too! No more than a week I promise."

            "Seven days." Mina sat on the bed with her arms folded and her bottom lip poked out sadly. "I'll be counting."

          Tehreem rolled her eyes. "I know you will be." She ruffled her hair. Her teeth grit in pain as she stood up straight and held her back for comfort but there was none. But this time I stayed quiet instead of calling her out on it. Any time I had said anything to my sister about her pain she would get annoyed and shut me down. After the hundredth time I decided to listen. So instead of questioning her about her very apparent pain, I went to check the car.

***

          We had made it just in time. While the yard was full and many people were standing around, they had yet to start the ceremony from what I could tell. My sister had gone off somewhere with the girls and Zak had found one of his friends, which left me to find a place of my own to watch. But what I hadn't realized upon coming to stand in the middle row so that I could get a better view of the podium, was that I would come upon a familiar face. Alia stood there, her hair blowing in the wind while she held two candles. She had her phone in hand and was texting furiously with a scowl on her face.

          "I can't say I've never felt like that about my phone." I don't know why I said that or anything at all, but before I could stop myself, the words were out of my mouth. She snapped over to me with a look of surprise before closing her phone and stuffing it in her jacket pocket.

          "I can't even blame my phone." She replied with a tight smile. Obviously something was bothering her.

           "Bad news?" I asked.

           With a sigh, she shook her head and pushed a lock of her hair behind her ear. "I was suppose to meet up with someone but they can't make it. So i'm standing here looking stupid with two candles. I shouldn't be surprised."

          "Why?"

          "Because its just how this person is. Can't expect much. Here." Alia held out one of the candles in her hand towards me. "Everyone should have one, to light for those who died."

"How come you have two?" I asked as I took it from her, but it was a dumb question. She had just told me that her friend couldn't make it so it was obvious their candle.

She sighed. "My nephew was supposed to be here but had to leave at the last second," she shrugged. "So it's yours now."

"You're here..." I trailed off as I looked around at the crowd. There were so many people that I didn't recogniz, all standing together with candles and quiet chatter. In all my life i've never seen anything like it. "By yourself?" I finished and she nodded.

           "My ride had some things to do and couldn't make it so I have to take an uber," she said, looking closely at the unlit candle. "I wish it was scented," she sighed. "That way the candle can have a sweet smell to combat all of this horror." Her frown then turned up into a smile and she stared ahead at the mayor who was preparing his speech. "That way it would be bitter sweet instead of just bitter. The victims deserve better than that."

          "That's very true," A new voice added, and we both turned behind us to where Tehreem was walking up with my nieces and nephew. They came to stand by me while my sister walked over to Alia and embraced her into a tight hug. When the pulled back, Tehreem was smiling. "How are you, Alia? It's been so long."

          "I'm alright," Alia replied, returning the smile. "My mom sends her salaams and that she misses you."

At the mention of her friend, Tehreem eyes lit up and her smile got even wider. This was the first time I had realized how long it had been since my sister had been back to Riverside. After all, that town was also her home for the majority of her life, which she left to come to the bigger city. I never realized how much she must miss being back home. I miss it and I haven't been away for that long, so I can only imagine.

"I have to call her soon," Tehreem said, still beaming. "I have to invite her to the kids birthday party," she said, nodding over at Zak and Amina. "The invite extends to all of you."

Alia spared a quick glance at me before responding. "I'm sure she would love to come," she replied.

"Good," Tehreem grabbed a hold of Mina's hand. "We're going to go find some candles. Amna, Zak, stay with Jamila."

"Can I go over with my friends?" Zak asked, pointing in the direction of a group of middle schoolers and some older boys. Some of them spotted Zak where we were and beckoned him forward, but my sister still looked skeptical.

"It's daylight," I reminded her before she could object. "He'll be safe with his friends standing right over there on the opposite side of us. Besides..." I trailed off with a smile and ruffled my nephews hair, causing him to groan and everyone else around us to chuckle. "Who would take this kid? He's really annoying."

"She's right!" Mina giggled.

With a reluctant sigh, Tehreem nodded. "Stay in our eyesight," she told Zak, placing a hand against his cheek lovingly. "I mean it."

"I will," he assured her before jogging off to join his friends.

"Your sister hasn't changed, huh?" Alia commented once Tehreem, Mina, and Zak had walked away. Even more people began to fill up the crowd with both their presence and the candles they prepared to light in honor of those who were slain. "She's basically your second mother," she continued to say. "It's like we're back in the past when we used to visit here."

"You remember that?" I asked, surprised.

          "Of course I do," she replied, grinning. "I remember how we would come down here especially in the summer and have the time of our lives. Your sister was basically mine during that time."

          "Wow, that seems like so long ago," I sighed. "Like another lifetime ago."

           "It might as well have been," she agreed. "We're not those girls anymore."

            "I wish we were," I suddenly said, surprising the both of us. "Being an adult is not what I thought it would be. It's just...confusing and makes me want a do over at life. I would do so many things differently."

              "It's not too late to change the things you don't like." She told me, giving my shoulder a nudge with her own, and we both laughed as she did so. It felt like old times when we were just kids back in Riverside. We felt like friends again.

                "By doing that i'm throwing away everything i've done in the last two years," I said, thinking back to all of the plans I had made. I accomplished my one goal of leaving Riverside to come here. But now that i'm here, I want to be anywhere else.

               "Why continue to do the things that make you miserable when you can make yourself happy?" She asked, and I didn't know how to answer. I never let myself think that what I was doing wasn't what I should be doing. If anything, I convinced myself that what I was doing was best for me no matter how miserable I became. And now i'm so far deep in misery that I don't know how to get out.

          "Stupid I guess," I replied. My voice was low and my eyes cast down, the feeling of guilt and shame beginning to eat up my thoughts and mind. Those thoughts would always come at the worst times.

          "You're not stupid," Alia told me, but I didn't look up at her. I didn't believe it. Anyone who acted as I did had to be stupid. "You're only nineteen and figuring out what most people never do. Go at your pace, not others."

             "I don't know what my pace is," I groaned, looking up at her. Someone began to tap the microphone and we both looked towards the middle of the crowd. The mayor was there along with a few police officers. He cleared his throat and grabbed the candle that someone beside him had extended towards him.

          "Your pace is what makes you happy and comfortable," Alia said before he prepared to address the crowd. "You'll find your happiness," she said with so much hope and encouragement that it made me wonder why I didn't believe it myself. "Or it will find you," She continued, but I didn't have time to say nothing else. The crowd quieted and the mayor began to talk. The vigil had begun.

***
"Thank you all for coming out today." The mayors voice was loud through the microphone that he spoke through, and his eyes made sure to roam around the crowd. "Today is a day that we mourn for those lost. It is a time that we reflect on what has happened with heavy and open hearts. We remember the names of those lost and the horror that had struck this nation once again. But we must not let it control us. We must not cower away from those who wish to keep us afraid. We must stand up and fight back for a nation we want to live in and that our youth will inherit. So please do not be afraid. I know it's hard not to in times like these, but now is the time to use our strength to guide us forward. So with this light..." Beside him someone held a lighter and lit his candle, and the flame lit up the darkening crowd. He turned to the person to his left and lit theirs and so on. "We remember," he said.

We watched person after person light a candle. Whether they stood on the left or on the right; whether they were man or woman; whether black, white or brown; whether old or young. Candles were lit and we all became one in grieving for those we never knew, but would never forget. Unity always sounds like a good thing. We wish for it and we wait for it. We wonder who will be united and who will stand in the way of unity. But to witness it first hand became a beautiful sight in its own. I could feel the power of everyone around me and the heat that blazed together keeping us warm. I never wanted to leave.

"I made it," My head snapped beside me where Inayah and her family stood with candles and waited for them to be lit. She leaned towards me. "Did we miss much?"

I shook my head. "I don't think he's finished. We're lighting candles for now."

At that Ismail turned to her with his lit candle and connected it to hers, and she connected it to mine. I did the same with Alia and so on.

"And with these flames!" The mayors voice became louder as he lifted his candle to the air. Everyone in the crowd mimicked his motions. "We never forget." And I hope I never do.

***
          Some candles still burned once it was over, and out of all of the people who came, the majority stayed. Food was handed out to those who were here. It was a way of keeping everyone close, together. It showed that no one would ever be alone, even in death. Our candles melted away as they sat on the table, the heat from the flames dying down.

           "There should be more celebrations when people are alive," Alia commented from beside me. The water bottle in her hand splashed back and forth inside as she moved it around. She looked around the crowd sadly. "This really shows how people only celebrate you when you're dead."

           "It's a way of remembering," I replied, but she shrugged, unbelieving. "We could have just gone another day acting like none of this happened or mattered. We could have just shown how much we don't care."

          "I don't really think the world does care." Her hand began to shake faster as did the water, matching her emotions "If the world cared, or at least the people who run this country, we wouldn't have to remember."

           "I agree." We both turned to see Inayah sit down beside me with a plate of cookies. She pushed them in the middle. "Nowadays people only speak up when you can't speak anymore instead of adding their voice to yours. It sucks, but it is what it is. Cookie?"

           Surprisingly the cookies felt warm and freshly baked, and that thought alone made me smile. Anyone who took the time out of their day to bake cookies for a crowd of people they probably never met was a good person with a good heart. We need more people like that person in our lives. As I took a bite into my cookie my eyebrows raised at the sight of both Alia and Inayah in a heated discussion, but everything one said the other agreed.

           "It's so ugly and hateful!" Inayah finished, wildly flinging her hands in the air. Alia continued to nod as she watched her and took bites out of her cookie; I followed her. "Let the psychos come in and shoot and kill everyone and then have the nerve to make speeches about how devastated you are." She began to huff, and I swear I could see steam coming out of her ears. "Well you know what? They can take their thoughts and prayers and shove them straight up their–"

          "Hey!" Tehreem practically jumped in front of the table along with Amna and sent quick glares towards Inayah. "I see that you three are in a very..." her eyes trailed over to Inayah again who stuffed her face with more cookies. "heated conversation. Buts it's time to go. I have to leave before it gets too late."

         "You're leaving?" Inayah asked in surprise. "Where are you going?"

          Tehreem cleared her throat and clutched tighter to her purse. "Well nowhere unless we get going." She chuckled, but it was far from humorous. That was enough to convince Inayah as her laugh joined alongside my sisters dull one, but Alia was harder to convince. She knew my sister longer and would be able to see through the thin wall she put up. "Jamila." She turned to me. "Let's go."

           "Where's Mina?" I asked as I stood up and looked around.

             Tehreem nodded behind her to another table. Mina was sat next to Talah and her family, giggling with the other little girl at something she had said. "While you were here I met them." She said. "I guess the people from the Kings aren't so bad, but i'm not too convinced on the place."

          "I knew you would hate it!" Inayah exclaimed in triumph as she stuck her tongue out at me, only to go shrieking in the air when her brother came up from behind her and scared her. "What the heck Ismail!"

          "I was told to come and get you." He held his hands up in defense as she began to attack his in any way she could. "Hey! No kicking."

         "Then no scaring," She shot back at him, reaching for more cookies from the plate. "Where are our parents? Wait, don't tell me. Hiding from you?"

         His eyebrows scrunched. "When did we teleport back to five year olds?"

         "Look in the mirror to find your answer." She huffed.

         As they continued to argue Tehreem slipped away back to Mina and Talah and I sat back down next to Alia. She turned to me. "They seem fun." She nodded back to the twins whose arguing quickly turned to laughter and then to arguing again. "You know I saw your brother when I went back to Riverside. His daughter looks adorable by the way?"

          "Jafar is in Riverside?" My eyes went wide as I asked, surprised that they didn't say anything about it to me.

          "When I was there last they were. Ayah too." She replied and my frown deepened. Not even Ayah had said anything to me about them coming to Florida. I guess even we aren't as close as we used to be. "Was I not suppose to say anything?" She began to worry, but I quickly shook my head.

          "No it's not that." I quickly reassured her. "I wouldn't expect them to tell me everything that they do, so them doing something like this shouldn't be a surprise."

          "I told Ayah that I live here now and she asked if I have seen you."

          "You live here now?" I asked. I expected considering she's his manager now, but I wasn't sure.

         She laughed. "Yeah I do. If we were closer I would see this as an insult, Jay."

          At the sound of the long lost nickname, I couldn't help but to see her again as the friend as I lost. I've had so many nicknames before. Jamie, Jamily, Mills, Milla, but only Alia called me Jay.

          "I hate that we aren't." I admitted with pursed lips, thinking about before. "I never thought it would be so awkward."

          "We both became adults and had things to do." She said. "Not to mention my nephew is another reason, but i'm not mad at either of you."

         That surprised me. "Nephew?" I turned to her. "You think he's the reasons why I stopped speaking to you?"

         "Yeah..." She nodded slowly. "It was the only thing that made sense."

           "Oh." I turned away from her to look down at the ground, suddenly guilty.

           "You two fell out and I was the common person between you both. It seemed logical at the time, even now, Jay."

          "But it isn't the truth." I huffed. "That's not why."

          "Then why did you stop talking to me?"

          "You know the phone works both ways." I shot back with a scoff.

          She shrugged. "Touché. I guess we're both trash."

          "You know our younger selves would be so annoyed by what we have become." I pointed out, reaching for another cookie only to see that Ismail and Inayah were gone. "We act like strangers when we've known each other our whole lives."

            "Idiots." She said with smirk. "Younger me would call us idiots."

           "Really stupid ones." I replied. "But only when my parents weren't around."

           She began to laugh. "Your Ummi always caught you saying something you weren't supposed to."

           "Ah, memories." My eyes rolled just thinking about the amount of times we were told off. "We may be dumbass idiots now," I sighed as I looked at her. "But we have to be smarter. So let us give you a ride home."

          "And here I was about to get an uber." She shook her head back and forth in mock disappointment in herself and went with me. We both stood up as one, and I felt a weight lift from my shoulders. And from there we went to find my sister and her kids.

***

i am a horrible updater, i know. it has been months since i last updated. if you are part of the very small amount of people who actually pay attention to this story, i deeply apologize for the wait. i have already started on the next chapter so let's hope for a quicker update! i hope you enjoyed this one. don't forget to leave feedback. it definitely gives me inspiration to write. also, to stay alert on all things pertaining to this story, be sure to follow me to get updates on my message board about my progress!!!

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