{Part One}

Moments before…

Pressing his forehead against the door to his mother’s chamber, Nathaniel paused, his hand hovering tentatively just above the knob. Briefly closing his eyes, he took a moment knowing that while it had been such a moment taken but a few minutes before that had all together altered the course of events that were supposed to take place; No other moment in the future could ever, in any manner, change the horror that was his life, alter the truths he had just learned, nor deny the consequence waiting upon opening that door.

A shiver wracked him. Lord, what a hellish nightmare. It was all meant to be different, much different; never this. He was supposed to have walked into his mother’s chamber and express that though Annabelle lacked proof, she was his wife nonetheless and so he would support her and accept her words. Based on his mother’s reactions in the past, Nathaniel was sure upon hearing his decision, she would undoubtedly have then fallen into her usual hysterics, offering whatever sentiments she felt compelled to share to which he would have embraced her and assured her that she would need for nothing; an estate and an annuity to be settled on her. After his mother regained her composure, he would pull her from him, kiss her goodbye and order the servants to ready her for a speedy departure. And then, upon seeing her go, Nathaniel intended to retire to the library and welcome the relief offered by a decanter…decanters of brandy.

Heartache was to be present, naturally; was he not human after all and she, his mother? But Nathaniel had hoped that perhaps the guilt brought on by his actions coupled with endless drained glasses of brandy would together buffer the pain.  But that was before.... What buffer was there now when accusations were no longer mere allegations but solid truths? When distant memories all but led Nathaniel to the evidence that shed light on his mother’s grave betrayal? No, there was no buffer. There was just the puncturing bullet of pain of which Nathaniel felt his own foolishness had pulled the trigger.

Sighing softly under his breath, he gripped the knob, and forgoing the propriety of a knock, slowly opened the door. In silence, his mother’s silhouette moved about the chilled quarters, her black skirt hushing as she paced to and fro; her mind wandering far as she muttered to herself in low tones, prayer like words of which Nathaniel could not hear. Her fingers tapped her lips in a sick rhythm, drumming faster and faster until suddenly, she stopped; sensing his presence, but in no way acknowledging it. Nathaniel too remained silent.

 A soundless minute passed, and then another; all other sounds, except that of their own voices filling the spaces between them. But then, quietly from behind her fingers his mother spoke,

 “There is no need to utter a word.” And in ceremoniously striding to her vanity, she sat, clasping her jeweled hands atop the table; no tears and no hysterics, just a long cold stare, “Though I certainly hope you are convinced of your decision because as your mother, I do not think you are. I am certain of it as I am certain of my love for you.” her tones wavering, signaling a crumbling composure.

Nathaniel grew rigid, ready to snap when his conscience flooded him,

You must hurry!

Hurry indeed! He had to because if his mother fell into her usual fits of hysteria, Nathaniel would not be able to control his anger at her false tears and would in turn dash his plan to hell, revealing everything he had just learned. And that could not happen, not yet. There was a plan. He had to stick to the plan in order to once and forever rid all doubt from his bones.

Swallowing hard, Nathaniel closed the door gently behind him, “I have indeed made my choice.” He stepped no further into the room. He couldn't. While in no way wanting his stiffened demeanor to raise any suspicion within his mother, he could not bring himself to go further; it hurt entirely too much.

Forcing himself to continue, he purposely lied, “and you are right; I am in no way certain I have made the right decision…” the gaze of her reflection shot to him, eyes filled with a seething hope.

He took a deep breath, “You must know I’ve no wish to rid my own mother from my home,” a lie, “especially when I too doubt all that Annabelle has said,” Another lie, “but Annabelle is my wife and unless,” he paused, the words heavy on his throat but he had to say them. He couldn’t back away now! 

Turning from her reflection, he steadied his voice, hoping its strained nature didn’t betray his true purpose, “unless you know of some reason, some proof as to why I should believe your words that she is not what she seems then I must believe her. Only if there was some evidence, that she in some way did have a hand in her disappearance….or anything that would prove a deception on her part…” He gulped, the contents of his stomach pulsing, wanting to break free.  Would she recognize his deceit? 

Why would she?

Why would she indeed. She had no reason to doubt him. How was she to know what his mind recalled in those moments of silence while Annabelle took her bath? How was his mother to possibly know that a simple flashback, one of her own actions, long buried in distant memory would lead Nathaniel to the truth...

Nathaniel padded from his bed; sleep heavy in his eyes. What on earth was taking his maid so bloody long? Did he not simply ask for warm milk? Nathaniel scoffed. Though immensely pretty, she sure was mindless that Mary. He gritted his teeth. Perhaps that was why his mother was always so cross with her…

Grumpily opening his door, he stopped, a strange sight perplexing him to a halt. Closing his door but a peek, Nathaniel watched as his mother quietly slipped into Mary’s chamber, swiftly closing the door. By lord, had he really just witnessed that? What business would his mother have in the maid’s chamber? Curiosity wrestling his conscience silent, Nathaniel moved as quickly as his seven year old feet could carry him. Pushing the door open slightly, he peered from the shadows as his mother opened Mary’s drawer. Heavens, what was she searching for?

But then, in lifting a stack of her garments, Nathaniel fell into deeper levels of confusion as his mother withdrew something from her pocket—holding it up before her. Good God! It was his father’s pocket watch.

And with a sickening smile seen through her reflection, his mother slipped the watch underneath the lifted garments and lowered the stack to its rightful place. Dear Lord. It couldn’t be. No—He should not be there! He should go—

Shifting back, the floor creaked; His mother’s eyes shooting up, catching his reflection in the armoire mirror—Dammit! She’d seen him!

Whirling wildly from his Mary’s armoire, she shut the drawer and reached Nathaniel in few strides before he was able to react. Gripping his arm with a chilling look in her eyes, she all but dragged him back to his chamber, tossing him inside and shutting the door behind them, “What did you see?” she snipped in hushed tones, boring her blue eyes into his.

Nathaniel wanted to speak, hell he wanted to lie and say he’d seen nothing but his mother insisted with pressing urgency, “What did you see?” she demanded harshly shaking him with each word. He shook his head though no words came out. Not when she looked at him with those icy eyes that were normally filled with love. Not when with such a suffocating desperation she pressed, “Tell me what you saw!” she shook him with each word—

There was a light rap at the door. Shifting him behind her, his mother bid the knocker entrance. Seeing Mary come in, Nathaniel’s knees weakened but his mother held his arm, tightly.

Curtsying with her normal sweet smile, Mary said, “Your warm milk, young sir.” She strode in placing the warm glass at his bedside, and then turned, “…and your bath is ready ma’am.” Bloody hell! Nathaniel’s blood ran cold. So that’s what took Mary so long….his mother had requested she draw her bath! A pit formed in Nathaniel’s stomach, all the random pieces fitting together in a sick manner. There was no need for a bath, not like there was need for a diversion! A cold sweat prickled his skin. But why would his mother do such a thing?

“Very well, thank you Mary. You may retire early; I will call if  needed.” His mother smiled sweetly, poor Mary smiling in return and with a curtsy took her leave.

Nathaniel paled. He should have said something, but what in Hades was he to say?

His mother turned, the feigned smile still gracing her lips.  She pulled him closer, stroking his hair as she embraced him, “My sweet Nathaniel,” she pressed a kiss in his hair, “Forget what you have seen this night. It is nothing of which to neither concern yourself with nor tell your father of.” She pulled back, cupping his cheek, “What I did, I did for your father and for you.” And in noting his confusion, she kissed his nose lightly, “You must listen to me and trust me as you’ve always done. Later in life you will learn,” she whispered, “that sometimes we must make our own truths to protect those we love. I love you and your father more than you will ever know…you understand that, don’t you?” her eyes sparkled with unshed tears.

Numb, Nathaniel nodded unsure of what else to say. And with soft stroke of his face, his mother too departed, stopping at the door with a final smile then closing the door lightly behind her;  leaving Nathaniel in whirlwind confusion.

The night’s events rid themselves of Nathaniel’s mind until when that following morning, he awoke to arched reprimands, “After all we have done for you!” That was his mother’s voice!

“Miranda, enough.” his father’s stern yet gentle tone retorted. Opening the door, Nathaniel froze as he watched Mary cry into her hands, both his parents standing before her. His father placed a hand on her shoulder, of which his mother slapped down.

His father sighed heavily, “Mary, I am sorry but we cannot tolerate such behavior in our home—“

“But sir!” she pleaded, “You must believe me! I cannot explain how it got there but I did not your timepiece! “

“Then why was it in your things?” his mother bit back, “Good thing I decided to perform my servants sweep this morning! You would have surely looked to sell it first thing—unbelievable!”

“I promise you, please!” Mary fell to her knees; “My mother and my sisters depend on me! If you release me, how will I support them?”

Nathaniel gulped, unable to breathe at the scene playing out before him. His father ran his hands the length of his face, “I’m sorry Mary. Please gather your things and go.” And with a lingering sigh, his father turned, his footsteps soon marking his descent.

Dear God!. There was no way he could allow it to happen!  Nathaniel stepped into the hall but his mother’s glare instantly met his as Mary entered her room to gather her things. And though she said no words, Nathaniel knew there would be hell to  if he dared utter a  word….and obediently he turned, and walked back into his room as Mary’s sobs swirled endlessly in his head….

Nathaniel shuddered, the simple action pulling him from thought. He needed to remain as normal as possible! Nothing to give it away…but still, why did the treachery feel so dirty on his skin when his mother seemed so unblemished, unaffected? How could she sleep at night knowing she had caused so much pain?

Turning back to his mother’s reflection, Nathaniel held his breath in wait of her answer; holding out one last hope that perhaps she would say she knew of no such evidence that would incriminate Annabelle. He prayed doubly that his flashback was just that, a mere memory and not the reason why his mother did indeed search through Annabelle’s things. But he knew, with dead certainty, that it was true; and further more, that though she did not search for anything she did seek where to hide something…

His mother raised slowly, her eyes twinkling with a sickening victory.  To Nathaniel’s horror, she said, “I knew you were not as blinded by this woman as it seemed William,” Greedily, she shifted toward him, taking hold of his arm hungrily, “I knew after all of these years, you would not cease in listening to my word. Annabelle is not as she seems and while it pains me to see you hurt, I must admit that my instincts tell me she hides something.”

Instincts? Nathaniel suppressed the rage threatening to claim him. God help him…

She pressed, “The way she behaved this morning should be a testament to that.”  

Ignoring the harsh blistering in his veins brought upon by her touch, Nathaniel replied, “Is that why you were in her chambers?” unable to hide the disgust in his voice.

“Good heavens no!” Her eyes widened with a defensive scoff, “William, of course not! Logan ran in there on his own volition. I merely went to fetch him lest he wake her. Why would I ever want to go in there?” she colored, “Though her backlash leaves much to be asked. Did you not find it quite peculiar a reaction for someone who hides nothing?” She added as an afterthought though Nathaniel gaged the purpose of her words all too well. In fact, those were the words he secretly hoped for. Oh how sly were her ways; how artfully she planted her seeds of doubt…

Reinforcing his task, Nathaniel braced himself for the finishing piece of his plot, and proposed, “If it is as you say, then what do you suppose we do?”

Wildly she spun, her eyes glittering with ice cold delight. Pressing a finger to her lips, she circled in place in false musing; Nathaniel knowing exactly what she was to propose. And then, affirming his beliefs, she pressed an open palm to her heart,

“While it is most ill of me to proposition this, I think it to be the only way to be certain she keeps nothing from you especially after her reaction this morning…”She took a measured step, her voice lowering, “We must check her chambers.”

Lord in heaven. Even though he expected her answer to be such, hearing it hurt viciously nonetheless; the pain locking his voice. But he had to answer!

What could he say?

Well, while a logical reaction would be to claim it was an invasion of privacy, a betrayal of Annabelle’s trust and beyond all bounds, Nathaniel accepted his answer had to be another if he were to carry out his plan. But before he could answer, his mother spoke,

“I know it seems deceitful but it is the only way,” she stepped closer, cupping his cheek in her hand as she had done so long ago, Nathaniel suddenly feeling like the seven year old boy in his memory, “We must do this,” she met his eyes, “You must trust me and listen to me as you’ve always done.”

Was that not the problem all along?

Indeed. His throat tight with anger, Nathaniel hardly spoke, “Of course, Mother.” the words stabbing him. Averting her gaze, he hoped she did not see the sheer disgust in his eyes and in clearing his throat, he encouraged the situation, “Annabelle has taken Logan to the park. She should be detained for quite some time as she expecting me to meet her there. So if we are to search, now would be the time…”

His mother nodded feverishly, a compassionate look adorning her face though the blistering delight seeped through her pores.  It chilled his soul. Wishing to end the farce, Nathaniel strode out the door, the hushing of his mother’s skirt alerting him of her trail.

Reaching Annabelle’s chamber, Nathaniel hauled in a breath the anticipation swelling. There was no turning back. Because for once having listened to his memories, his future would never be the same. Opening the door, he stepped aside; his mother sweeping past him insatiably, under the pretense, “Are you certain no one saw me enter?”

Nathaniel simply nodded, certain her motivations were neither of worry nor concern of having been seen. No, they were the enthusiasms of imminent victory.  Pacing into the room, Nathaniel remained wordless as his mother stalked about in feigned pensiveness.

“I will search her vanity and armoire.” She whispered, and paused, casting a thoughtful glance about the room, “You take charge of the wardrobe,”

The wardrobe, of course…  

Obediently, Nathaniel walked to the wardrobe, his echoing steps chiseling the last of the charade.  Deadened, he opened the wardrobe doors, searching with lifeless hands the various drawers; the soft silk of Annabelle’s chemises’ slipping though his fingers. God, he could smell her; her scent alone giving him the strength to continue. Because in the end, he was doing it all for her….

Feeling his mother’s eyes burning his skin, Nathaniel sighed, his conscience warning him,

 It is time…

And so it was. Nathaniel stepped back, “There is nothing here.”

From behind, his mother’s movements halted sharply; Nathaniel shutting his eyes tightly in wait for the reaction that would solidify his glum expectations. A torturous minute of silence passed then—

“A-are you certain? Perhaps you did not search closely?”

“I did mother," his voice flat and unaffected, "and there is nothing here.”  Rushing across the room possessed by a blinding desperation, his mother brushed him aside, she herself rummaging through the drawers. Stepping back in a deathly slow, Nathaniel listened; his heart breaking as she angrily murmured in hushed whispers “This cannot be--Where in the devils are they!” the angry treble in her voice sending chills through him. The scene playing out before him was tragic, much more tragic than he ever thought it would be.

Turning from his mother, Nathaniel watched in the vanity mirror as her distant eyes lifted momentarily, but in offering him her sweetest smile, the one he remembered so well, she went on with her search, opening drawers she had just closed, lifting piles of clothing previously lifted; her desperation palpable. She sought and searched but they were not there. Though she put them there, she could not find them….

…she would not find them.

And in surrendering all consequence to the hands of fate, Nathaniel reached into his breast pocket, retrieving the stack of letters which his mother was supposed to know not of, yet searched for as if her very life depended on them. The same letters he uncovered in the very drawer his mother rifled through that instant. The letters he himself found after taking heed of his memories and of Annabelle’s conviction that his mother searched through her things. Yes, those very letters his dearest Annabelle never received…

And in stroking open the laced ribbon tying together the long lost letters; Nathaniel lifelessly hove them at his mother’s feet, “Is this what you were searching for?” his own words lacerating him.

Knowingly, her fingers trickled to a slow stop, coming to a final rest upon the open drawer. Turning slowly, her unmasked eyes fell upon him with profound awareness, though she never once looked down at the scattered declarations of love adorning her feet.

Everything seemed to fall away in that instant; Nathaniel’s eyes boring into her because he couldn’t look away. Employing the last of his composure Nathaniel regarded her as everything around him seemed to fall away, “Sometimes we must make our own truths, is that not so mother?” a cold fury lacing his words, “How did you know I would look?” his control slipping, “Did you hope to manipulate me with your words as you’ve always done,” his octave rising… “Plague me with doubt to the point I could no longer bear it and in turn betray her trust and search through her things?” his anger swelling… “Because I was a good son that always listened to his mother?!”

He gripped her shoulders, “Because you thought me a fool!” his composure finally snapping as he shook her, “Answer me!”

**

Thoughts?

A/N:

A few things but please read-

Please tell me if you find anything confusing. I would be more than happy to explain :)

I hope that you all can see how this chapter was closely tied to the flashback from the last chapter as these two chapters are happening at the same time…

And as far as this chapter, well in essence this chapter is the reason the story is called Flashbacks of a Fool. All the flashbacks played into the title but the one in this chapter was perhaps the one directly linked to the title so I thought it was fitting for it to be the last flashback in the book :)

Lastly- we can now cast our stories on Wattpad! Pretty cool huh? I was thinking someone like James McAvoy as Nathaniel though I don’t think he has the umph needed to play him. Any thoughts?

Anyway, as always, I look forward to your comments! The support on the last chapter was tremendous! Please show the same love :)

<3 Thanks for reading!