For a long while after, we were motionless. Tangled in our embrace, we lay and that was all. A low rumbling telling of rain sent faint vibrations around us though I wasn’t sure if rain would ever really come. The lands were so dry it seemed as if any sort of cloudburst were a distant dream, a fantasy of centuries.

Cradled in the crook of Ivan’s arm, I silently thanked the rolling black clouds brushing past at the hands of invisible winds. They were the perfect backdrop, thunder the ideal theme song— actually, I wished it would rain. It would only have made everything that much more right. I couldn’t imagine having gone through the things I’d experienced to then  be lying beside Ivan under clear blue skies and a bright sun. No. We were gray skies. We were the mist that blanketed country sides. We were flooding rains, deafening thunder and blinding lightning.

A light chuckle jarred me from thought.  I lifted my head to find a faint smile playing at the corners of Ivan’s fangless mouth. He wasn’t looking at me, rather at his finger that trailed lightly down the course of my bare back like the sweetest lullabies. A cool shiver rippled through me and it was then I realized he smiled at the goose bumps that covered my skin. Reaching the small of my back, Ivan started his journey upwards once more. “Scared of me, little girl?” he asked tauntingly, his voice rusty and hoarse and so insanely sexy.

Crazy thing was that lying there on the hard floor beside the open window, cradled next to Ivan, without any of my powers and with Kala’el having threatened to break me, I’d never felt so safe. Tracing his wicked smile with my finger, it became contagious. I didn’t answer. Instead, curling closer to him, I hauled in a long, slow breath taking in the scent I loved and missed for far too long.

Ivan's exploration of my back trickled past my shoulders and down my arm that lay draped over his chest. It stopped just shy of my elbow. Gradually his smile faded, first from his eyes where it was replaced by a distant lilac sorrow. Smoothing his hand down the rest of my arm resignedly, he took my hand and interlocked our fingers.

We were quiet for a moment.

“Our fusion marks are gone.” He said the words full of regret. I'd completely missed that his arms were equally bare. In the panic-induced moment that was his death, I hadn’t noticed whether or not his marks misted away. Truthfully, how could I have possibly given it any thought when all I saw was his life force vanishing before my eyes? But I wouldn’t harbor those thoughts anymore.

Settling into his side, I swallowed them away. “They are, but it doesn’t mean anything. We are still bound, right?”

Silence.

I didn’t need to look at him to know the answer. I dared it anyway. Lifting my eyes, I met Ivan’s jade stare. "Right?"

“Charlotte, things between us happened so fast. Most Fae don’t realize they are commons until after the binding ceremony. But you and I, let’s just say we consummated the marriage before the actual ceremony.” He chuckled, a mischievous glimmer flashing past his eyes. I didn’t laugh. I understood him but all I heard was that we weren’t bound anymore.

Bringing my hand to his lips, Ivan brushed light kisses on each knuckle. “The day before I died, Kheelan and I discussed taking you back to Hillenia ahead of time."

"For the binding ceremony?" I asked skeptically. Ivan didn't seem like the type to break protocol, much less to marry me. 

He let out one of those 'Well that's not entirely it' sighs. "That was a factor but once we saw the red in your hair, that was our cue.”

I blinked. “I nearly blew up all of Shongopovi and my hair color was your cue that it was time to leave?”

“It was more than just hair color. With everything you already had being thrown your way, I didn’t want to worry you but after having Maris within you for so long, she was bleeding into you. I bound her powers yes but her essence, the person she was, it was slowly seeping. Whatever seal was placed within you was not intended to keep her bound forever. At some point she would be freed and the stronger one of you would eventually overtake the vessel.”

"It isn't just a vessel Ivan." I snapped. "It's my body. If you don't recall, I am half human."

"And Maris would care because? Your human half is the weaker of the two sides. Maris knows it and now you need to accept it."

A shudder rippled through me, rage also rearing its head. Finally I understood the hair color, but it was unnerving to think that psycho Maris was slowly escaping. "You should have told me. I deserved to know."

“I was going to tell you, that night on the roof. I thought it would give you a few days to digest the fact that you would be going back but once you teleported, we’d officially run out of time. You needed more protection than what Kheelan and I and all Shongopovi could have offered. Kheelan agreed to go ahead with you and once safely in Hillenia, I would have followed.”

"But then the hunters showed up..."

He blew out a sigh. “I thought I could have defeated them without having to call upon the powers I did. Clearly I underestimated Xanthus’ powers within those beasts. But you’re safe and that’s all that matters now. I’m fairly certain I’ll be restored and then we’ll be joined, rightfully."

Delayed as usual, I lifted my head. “I don’t get it. Why would you have gone back to Hillenia? You said you would be killed if you ever went back.”

Growing rigid, Ivan paused. He stared at me open and honest but also as if I’d suddenly sprouted an extra head.  His look was one I’d never seen before, one of offense and almost as if what I said hurt him, deeply.

His words came out slow and laconically, “I wasn’t going with you because I would have drawn too much attention and it was a risk you didn’t need. That didn’t mean I wasn’t going at all. Once I knew that Kheelan got you to the Temple safely I would have risked anything to get to you.” His steel eyes fixed on mine.

I could only stare.

It was no longer an unknown or a plaguing question haunting my thoughts. Twisted, perplexing, manic and painful—Ivan loved me. Granted, he didn’t say the three magical words that as a little girl I’d doodle all over Jaime’s picture. There were no neon pink hearts with cupid arrows shooting through them.

He didn't utter the one phrase that in my mind was what solidified relationships between people, creating an almost unbreakable bond. To my defense, growing up and never having heard the words spoken to me, by a mother or a father or even an insignificant boyfriend, the phrase had become a massive epitome of happiness in my eyes.

But laying there in Ivan’s arms as he buried his nose in my hair, I didn’t need to hear the words.  Truthfully, I didn't want them. They couldn't ever compare to the things Ivan pledged against my skin while re-creating our bond. The things he had whispered for my ears only had not only been intense, but dangerous and consuming. It told me of his obsession, of his devotion, of his addiction to me. I would take those words over I love you any day.

Lowering my eyes, I looked to our joined hands.  Never had I missed our fusion marks like I did then. Not that they were what held us together, but the way I felt then and there I wanted Ivan's marks all over me and mine over him.

Covering myself in a robe he had draped over me, I sat up and hugged my knees. Instincts told me to keep my mouth shut but I couldn’t help it. “I loved our fusion marks for all the wrong reasons. I thought they were what bound me to you. I thought it was the only thing that kept us together. Stupid I know, but," I shrugged. "I know now they are just marks but I miss them and I want them back...”

I cut myself off, biting my lip. My conscience seemed to be kicking me in the back of the head, trying to keep me from talking but overpowering it, I offered, “What about branding? Couldn’t we brand each other and bond in that way?"  Remembering the images Kala’el showed me where he bit into my skin, it didn’t seem so bad if it was Ivan’s marks that ran through my body. A formal ceremony was a nice thought but with bad things sprouting out all over the place, I didn’t want to give fate a chance at breaking us apart again.

Ivan paused, the debate clear on his face. Thankfully he didn’t ask how I knew of the act but grew tense and uncomfortable.  “Branding is puttng it lightly Charlotte. What you’re referring to goes far beyond a simple mark on your skin—it’s the ultimate of possessions. The only reason it isn’t forbidden is because,” he paused, fixing a steady gaze on me, "because the upper courts use it for marking their slaves.”

Breathing became that much harder. It went without saying but it lurched from my mouth anyway. “You mean like my mother?”

Ivan nodded. “Your mother and hundreds like her. It's a method to keep them addicted and willing. Once a woman falls into the hands of a Fae, knowing or unknowing, they don't stand a chance. By the time they surface from the glamour, they’ve already been bitten and have had a taste of their master’s life force. After the first drink, there is no going back. The slave will only want more until eventually they are dependent on their master for life.”

Quiet settled between us. My mind whirled with memories of my tests with Kala’el. What if I had never seen past his glamour? As it was, I nearly lost myself to his kiss.  More painful still, I thought of my mother. I knew she had suffered, but not so torturously. Not because she was addicted to the evil that was Xanthus.

I tried shaking it off but the thoughts still inundated me. If I hated Xanthus before, what I felt for him then…it didn’t have a name.  “So Fae are like vampires then?”

“Where do you think the tales come from?”

Good point. 

He added, “Only difference is Fae don’t drink human blood to survive, but more to continuously re-establish the link between servant and master. Remember what happened with Jaime, when he got just a taste of you? Imagine if he had actually fed from you?”

The fist in my throat squeezed tighter. Remembering Jaime’s eyes and how crazed he'd become...it was too much to process.  A curse stole my lips before I could stop it. I was angry. Angry at Xanthus, angry at the Faerie way, Angry—better yet, livid at Kala’el. Seriously, leave it to Kala’el to leave out the essentials. Rule the world together? Yeah right. Eventually he would have made me his pet and patted me on the head like a good dog as he went out and ruled all on his own.

 Ivan sat up beside me, his eyes blazing with interest. I should have known it wouldn’t go over his head. I could almost hear the question before he asked, “How do you know about branding?”

I hesitated for a moment, “During my tests out there, before the elders and Kala’el... At one point he said if I chose him, he would mark me. I saw the images of his teeth sinking into my neck when we were kissing—”

Storm clouds swept over Ivan’s eyes, his face hardening. “You kissed Kala’el.” It wasn’t a question.

“I had to. I needed to get a reaction out of you—well, out of one of those hooded figures that I thought was you. But in kissing him, I used his powers to reach you.”

Ivan scoffed, clearly not having heard a single word I said. “Do you know how dangerous and stupid that was? Do you know what Kala’el is capable of? And you willingly fell into his hands, without your powers?”

Point taken. He was angry. Heck, I was angry at myself knowing now how naïve I was to think I could have just kissed Kala’el and that would have been the end of it. Still, I was angry and as always my emotions rattled me beyond control.

“I appreciate your concern but seriously, don’t talk to me about stupidity. Stupid? I kissed him Ivan, I didn’t sleep with him.” I pointed out.  It probably wasn’t the place or the time but it was bound to come out at some point, might as well settle it then.

I could see the disbelief swirling in his eyes, laced with fluid anger. His glare cut me. “So that’s what this is all about then?” Without letting me answer, he struck the heart of it all, “I won’t deny it. I did sleep with Elena, more than once. She was my lover—”

I couldn’t hear any more of his hateful words. Making to move away from him, Ivan gripped my shoulders. Forcing me back, he pinned me against the floor and leaned over me. “She was my lover before you and I met!  Memoriums are memories Charlotte. Memories from any point in life! The wielder can piece them together in any shape or form!”

“What for?!”

“To throw you off and take you down just as Elena did! The opponent won’t have time to filter through the memories to see what is real or what is false, much less figure out what order they belong in before they're attacked."

I struggled but Ivan wasn’t done, not by a long shot. “Have you even replayed Elena’s memories in your mind? Look beyond the act Charlotte. Look for the inconsistencies, however small. Whether it’s the color of the shoes, the shirt I was wearing when I left you versus what I wore in the memorium, look at the time of day— The proof is all there if you’re willing to look!”

Remembering, my body shuddered. I just couldn’t get past it. How could I focus on anything else when all I saw were images of his hands were roaming another woman’s body? My skin burned.

 “You’re lying.” I snarled, twisting to free myself from under him. My conscience who I’d ignored before seemed to have forgiven me and proceeded in spitting Kala’el’s words back into my mind. I wanted to ignore it but Ivan confirmed its words, saying,

“There is no lying in the Underlands.”

And there it was.  Defeated, Ivan released me. Shifting back, he slipped on his robe and rose, leaving a glacial distance between us. Why did I quickly feel like the bad guy? Ignorance in my case was not bliss but neither was the truth. The devil on my left shoulder wanted to stay angry for whatever reason, maybe pride. But the angel on the right sat in silence and watched Ivan walk to the arched window. It had nothing to say because deep down we both knew it was the truth.

Gripping his hands on each side of the window frame, Ivan hung his head low. “There is much more at stake here than the two of us so I will explain this once. After that you can choose whether to believe me or not but I will not explain myself again. And remember Miss O’Dean, I took your word when you said you didn’t know Maris was inside of you.”  

Was that anger in his voice? It wasn’t fair; I was after all half human and half untrained Fae. I didn’t know spells, I didn’t know magic. Where before I simply needed to learn to control the elements, find a map to locate a mysterious door in time to the protect the veil between the Fae and human worlds, now I had to worry about having distorted memories thrown into my head and heavens knew what else?

If that wasn’t bad enough, sadly, he was right. The morning after our fusion I had woken up to him by my side and he’d healed me without so much as knowing whether I was telling the truth about Maris. True, he threatened to kill me but still.

To top it off, he’d also called me Miss O’Dean. Brilliant.

Icily, his words cut through the room, “I never betrayed you, especially not in that way. Elena did give me a ride that night, but less than a mile later I got out of the car. Do you want to know why that is?” He smiled a cold inhuman smile. “Because I was going to kill him, I was going to kill Jaime.”

My eyes shot to his and all I saw there was black ice. He meant what he said and frightening enough, it seemed he still did. Suddenly the room grew colder. It was Ivan. I could see his fingers digging into the stone window frame with wavering control as his mind reeled with memory.

 “He had no idea what was happening to him or of his addiction to you, but when I saw him attack you all I wanted was to drain him of life slowly and see him dissolve hair by hair into a pile of dust at my hands. He was within reach, right in Elena’s back seat.  I got out of the car in the middle of the desert because I was going to kill him.”

His hands dropped lifeless at his sides. “My feelings for you were consuming me. I was unstable and dangerous. Wanting to kill an innocent human? That’s inexcusable!  But those bounty hunters, they got everything I had been holding inside and more. In hurting them I saw Jaime, I saw Sam and his men…Charlotte, in hurting them I saw myself.”  Boring his stare into mine, he shook his head. The truth in his silver pools clawed at my insides.

“I hated being in my skin, being the one that hurt you. Seeing you cry did things to me and to know that I was the one causing it?” He shook his head. “How could I claim to want to keep you safe when I couldn’t even protect you from me?”

It burned. Ivan’s shame and the defeat in his voice seared me.  The somber figure standing at the open window, gazing distantly into the never ending gray was not the arrogant and confident man I knew— thought I knew.

 It had all been an act. His egotism had been the markings of fear; his constant rejecting me, an intoxicating desire he didn’t know how to control. The man I never understood had just made it all transparent.  Whether intended or not, I realized that the fake world we’d designed for ourselves in Shongopovi had been the greatest of all glamour.

Entranced, I stood and walked to him. I didn’t say anything. Should I have? Should I have perhaps apologized for something? Or told him it was okay? Trampling over my pride and all the lies that now lay at our feet, I drew closer and decided against words.

Standing beside him, I didn’t touch him either. I forced myself not to. He wasn’t saying the things he was for sympathy or for comfort. He wanted me to listen and that was what I did.

 “The very first time I saw you, when you bumped into me and I looked down at you, something took hold of me. I didn’t know you, I didn’t even know your name but all I wanted then and there was to protect you. From what? I didn’t even know. Then seeing Jaime talk to you, I felt ill and angry but I fought it.”

I couldn’t keep quiet at that. My brow arched tauntingly, “I remember you threatening to throw me out of class if I didn’t stop talking”

“As I saw it, I needed to get you away from me. At least until I could decipher what it was I felt. Damn it Charlotte, It wasn’t every day that I was taken by a girl, much less a human girl. But then seeing what you were, I was lost to you.”

Swiftly turning, Ivan firmly cradled my shoulders. “There is no need for us to posess one another. Fusion marks or not, I am yours. You will haunt me forever.”

I stood there. I didn’t answer immediately because…well, I didn’t know what to say exactly. There were scattered thoughts and fragmented questions. I wondered how he ever managed to keep all those feelings inside. Such fierce love had me exploding and teleporting blindly, but he’d lived in quiet agony for months. I thought of what would be an appropriate response. For some reason, jumping into his arms didn’t seem right.  I just didn’t know. So I said nothing and walked into his chest.

In silence, he held me.

Hauling in a deep breath, I didn't exhale right away. I held it for a moment. It was one of those suspended breaths that once exhaled, everything would be different. And it would because I finally got it. I understood that I love you wouldn’t solidify anything. They would vanish into the invisible wind the moment I said them. 

Furthermore, what Ivan and I had was not defined by those words, no. We defined them. No one ever said it was supposed to be ideal and romantic. Ours sure wasn’t. It wasn’t utopian and airy and white. It was chaotic, concrete and black. But that was our love, our twisted love.

Finding comfort in that, I exhaled.

Ivan's hold on me tightened. “I know,” he whispered knowingly against my temple and with a grazing kiss, added, “Me too.”

There was a knock on the door. 

Smoothing his hands down my arms, Ivan reluctantly broke our embrace. We locked eyes. It was brief but it happened. In that slight, we saw the truth unfold and unfold and unfold before us.  Like I said, Ivan and I were chaos and those moments we'd just shared in the privacy of his study, of confessions and of passion, that had been our calm before the storm. The whirlwind waited on the other side of that door.

With an accepting nod, Ivan went to the door while I remained at the window. I didn't bother looking to who it was much less tried hearing what they were saying. I would find out soon enough. Instead I took in those last moments of gray skies and dark blue clouds. As the hushed tones whispered heatedly behind me, I lost myself to the rolling thunder vibrating in the damp air.

A bolt of white cut the skies in half, rain falling instantly. Tilting my head back, I closed my eyes and let it crash against me. It was cold and forceful but it was rain and in my upside down existence, that falling rain was liquid sunshine.

The whispers were gone and soon after the door closed. Opening my eyes, I stood there a moment. Just one last moment...and then I turned.

Ivan remained by the door in a curious silence. Carefully, he said, “We’ve been requested to appear before the elders right away.” The last word faded into a whisper.  All traces of happiness were gone. Staring at me, he was looking right through me, drifting off somewhere in his mind.

I worried. Could it have been that I didn’t pass and was going to stay in the Underlands? That made no sense because I was with Ivan. I would have forfeited my life If I failed—or worse, be privy to Kala’el. But I was neither.  It had to be something else. Something much worse than Kala’el and nothing could be shoddier than Kala'el.

But as all things go, Ivan said, “The Temple of Souls has been attacked,”

That was worse than Kala’el.

“…By your father.”

That was worse than…everything.

And just like that, it stopped raining.

**

Thoughts? Please remember to vote! And all comments are greatly appreciated. I'd love to hear your questions/thoughts :)

How are we feeling about Ivan? Did you guys understand the memorium and how/why it is used? If not let me know and I'll explain further. And Kala'el is coming back next chapter....boy oh boy is he coming back.

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