I broke.

I hurt.

I screamed.

For a long, long time the monotonous sound of extreme heartache shattered everything around me. I wanted to move but all I could do was stand in place and let the sound pour out of me, continuously, painfully, until I could breathe no longer and my knees gave from under me.  Everything stood still in that moment, looking down at Ivan’s lifeless body as if nothing had ever happened at all. Does that make sense?  I was numb and there was nothing.  Beneath me, beside me, around me—nothing. Zilch. Zip. There was just darkness and Ivan… his pale skin stained with blood, the same scarlet fluid pouring from his body, saturating the ground around him. All I could do was watch as the sodden turf nourished itself with the life of my soul mate.  Fate seemed to be on a roll. It was actually surprising that little flowers didn’t spring up from the drenched ground to mock me of my loss. It would have seemed fitting.

Oh but that was much too kind for fate. Screw the flowers, it said. It wasn’t yet done. In its torturous performance, the part of having me kneeling there, mourning Ivan was simply the intermission for Fate.  While it was up getting popcorn, my soul grieved. While it was taking a bathroom break, I heaved. But intermission was clearly over when like the most beautiful of tragedies, joining my vanishing fusion marks was Ivan’s life force.

From the piercing wound, his life-force slowly seeped from his body as if his vessel were deflating. In swirls of black smoke it evaporated into the night without any hesitation. Where before it misted above his body, in wait for the vessel to be repaired, to be healed, there was no mending it this time. It was dead. Nothing remained for his life-force to return to and so it misted into the air. But what hurt most was that all the while, Kheelan did nothing—nothing. He watched on, joining his hands in a strange form. Bringing his wrists together, Kheelan opened his palms into the air in a cradle like manner. Pressing them to his forehead, he knelt before Ivan’s body as his life-force continuously vaporized. He murmured something in the language I no longer understood.  Beannaigh an anam. He said it over and over but it did nothing to keep Ivan’s life from leaving.  And in a matter of seconds, though it felt like an eternity where I could almost map out Ivan’s entire life in the mist, Fate was done.

No more swirls of life left Ivan's body. He was gone.

Just like that, I lost my common.

My eyes closed.  Or were they open? Did it matter? Whether open or closed, there was darkness everywhere.  There was no longer a line between the nightmares of my reality and those of my dreams. With what broken breaths I could manage, I screamed more or tried to, but no sound came out. It was a silent, painful panic; A bitter, soundless grief. It was that last sprout of anguish that took with it what little hope I had left. That’s why my scream was silent, because there was no hope.

But still, I screamed and relinquished all faith until my lungs squeezed to their limits and the pain stabbed me from within.

My father reached to touch me but dammit I didn’t want to be touched! I pushed him away because I didn’t want him! I didn’t want to feel—God, I didn’t want to feel. Never had I felt so uprooted, so trapped within my body wishing I were outside of it.  Desperately, I wanted things I couldn’t have.  Aichingly, my mind tried to comprehend but nothing made sense. How could it? I didn’t even know where I was anymore. What time was it? What day? What was my name and why was I alive?

Kheelan ordered my father around the house, to stall the firefighters and police by telling them that no one else was in the house. He promised he would calm me down. Calm me down? 

My father didn't seem sold but surely Kheelan used some glamour to reassure him because my father nodded and disappeared around the side of the house, leaving me alone. I should have run, or fought him. He had just killed my common. Who was to say he wouldn't try killing me as well? But I no longer cared.

It’s strange the things that pop into your head when hope is gone and you’re left alone with your mind. All the what if’s seem to creep around telling you of all that could have been when clearly it would no longer make a difference.  There were plenty of those torturing me then. What if I had helped Ivan with the hunters? What if I never teleported, would we have had the chance to escape the hunters sooner?

What if, what if, what if. 

But the only question I could focus on in the many that plagued me was what if I could move?  Then and there, what would I do if grief and anger; panic and heartbreak didn’t’ have me rooted to the ground?

Tearing into Kheelan was ever present. I looked at him evenly with a cold black stare. My stomach took to twisting bitterly because I hated him.  He stared back, remorse somewhat present as his coloring returned and his eyes swirled back into their glamour induced color.  His human farce.  I flinched when he dropped the bloodied blade, his hands lifeless at his sides. Kheelan stepped forward but I shook my head slowly. If he stepped closer….

Naturally there would be a reason. He would have some reasoning, some empty words to explain why he just killed his brother.  I don’t think anything could justify what he did and truthfully, my mind wanted no reason. It wanted him dead. It wanted him in the place of his brother. Kheelan was supposed to be my friend and while Ivan’s betrayal was sadly somewhat in character and expected, Kheelan’s? He destroyed me. I loved him too. Not anywhere near Ivan but enough. I loved him in a deep part of me to where if anyone knew, it would perhaps be seen as wrong since I was bound to his brother. I admit it. I loved him to the point his betrayal was second worse to Ivan’s.  

He stepped forward. I stumbled back. My hands shot up between us to keep him from touching me. In the past, the stroke of his hands made everything better, but it was poison now. He was poison, slowly slithering through my veins, threatening to kill me.

“Charlotte please listen to me—“

Even if I wanted to I couldn’t. Shaking I took a step back but he kept coming near me until swiftly reaching for me. Boring my fists into his chest while furious screams choked me, I fought him but he held me, still.

“Charlotte please! I had to do it, he knew the consequences!” Kheelans voice was sharp but all he wanted was to break through my insanity. Looking up, his widened blue eyes now a mix of purple and a faint fuchsia brimmed with remorse but also with a weird sense of duty. But I didn’t want reasons and I was tired of duty!

Blood stained strands falling into his fuchsia eyes, he went to caress my face but I twisted my head away from him.

“Love, please.” he begged.

Through clenched teeth I snarled, “Don’t you ever call me that! I hate you Kheelan, I loved you but dammit I want you dead!” 

His eyes closed, my words snaking around him excruciatingly.  But what about how he hurt me? I took the opportunity to break free from his hold.

Raking his hands through his hair, Kheelan squeezed tightly. “Dammit Charlotte!" he boomed. "Do you think I would have purposely killed my brother! My own blood?! They were my orders!”

“Orders from who?! Who could be so heartless to order you to kill your own brother? ”

His shoulders slumped. And on the heels of a slow exhale, he said, “Ivan.”

Ivan.

My breathing caught in my throat and the rush of blood as it plummeted to my feet left me lightheaded, lifeless.

“Defeating those hunters required complete abandon. It required a forbidden magic more powerful and dark than anything in our world, in this world. That was why your father sent them.  Ivan knew in order to do so he would have to use forbidden spells. He knew in wielding this magic, the only way out was death! That is why he asked me to kill him! Not because he was heartless but to give you a chance!”

Oh God.

His expression lost its anger, as he came to me. I stiffened, still not wanting to be touched but was rooted, again. Ivan knew he would die….

Gathering me into his chest gently, Kheelan wrapped his arms around my body but the shivering wouldn’t stop.  His scent was familiar, once a source of peace for me but I didn’t know him anymore. I didn’t understand the Faerie sense of duty because to a human, what he did was beyond comprehension.

He whispered in my ear, “Ivan asked me to do this. What he did was call upon the darkest of our ancestors to unleash their power within his soul. But it would taint him and their evil would have slowly spread, consuming his sense of right until killing him from within.  That is why it is forbidden."

Resting his head on my temple, his voice warmed my damp cheeks. "In exchange for using their powers, they require a sacrifice. Ivan sacrificed his soul. We would have lost him, Charlotte. Sooner or later we would have been forced to do what I just did or he would have done it himself. Please understand that.”

I shook my head refusing to understand but he squeezed me tighter. Everything he said made sense but it didn’t sink through. Dammit there had to have been another way!

Digging my hands deeper into him, I pushed back, holding his gaze. “You could have saved him. You’re a healer but you didn’t even try!”

“I couldn’t! I heal vessels; I can’t ever purify a soul. He was gone from the moment he broke the seals to his Seelie nature. Between calling on our ancestors and breaking his seal, he was already dead. What he unleashed was the primal faerie way. The need for blood, the desire for more. It is limitless, insatiable. Ivan was our highest sage and even he could not control it. He asked me to kill him because there was no turning back.”

Breaking away again, I stumbled back. He wouldn’t touch me again. He couldn’t touch me again. Pressing balled fists to my temple to keep my head from bursting, all I could do was ask,

“But why! He didn’t love me, he never loved me!”  It caused me a physical type of pain to say it, but it was true. "Why would he sacrifice himself for me? He never loved me! Why did he care?"

Kheelan paused, his eyes narrowing in disbelief. “Is that what you think?”

And that was when I felt my soul break, a new wave of what ifs clouding my mind.  What if I could stop time somehow? Maybe if time stopped, I could catch Ivan’s life force and force it back into his body then I could catch the mist of our fusion marks and somehow press them back onto my arms that now burned bitterly. Then everything would be all right. I could ask him why he did it and he would explain and then everything would go back to our broken version of normal.

But that was only if I could move…which I couldn’t. I could only shiver, and wait.

I waited because something had to give.  I’ve taken many punches over the past few months, been literally broken from within, hospitalized, beaten, kicked, held against my will, insulted, used,  rejected and betrayed but not this.  I’d gotten up from those but what was I to do when my common was dead at the hand of his own brother who was supposed to be my closest friend?  How was I to feel when Ivan himself requested to be killed? Where was I to go when bounty hunters sought me to drag me to my evil father and the only way to kill them was to use magic, the same magic that would draw more of them out? Tell me, what was I to do? Where was I to go?

 I realized then it wasn’t just me shaking. No. Slowly, everything took to silent tremors. The ground trebled, the very air vibrated with a constant humming. Even the sounds were coming in as shaking waves and through my blurred vision I noted my father looked at me in utter shock or awe rather. It hadn’t been the first time someone looked at me that way. It happened on the roof at Ivan’s house….

And looking at Kheelan, his face glowed with reflected light.

It was me.

Looking down, I was glowing again but in holding out my arms, my skin had lost all of its color, fading into a bright transparency that overtook the encroaching night with its hue. Whereas the hunters glowed with fire, I beamed with radiant light.

My hair belted onto my face.  It was no longer black but back to blond, a whitish blond that glimmered like particles of crystal sand. It had grown back to its previous length, the strands flowing past my waist. The wind whipping around me roared, wrapping itself around me, embracing me, begging to take me somewhere.  I wasn’t sure where yet, but anywhere was better than there.

My skin burned more and more as it lost its elasticity, smoothing to almost glass. But though it scorched from within, it was most welcomed because never had I felt so warm, and so…right. I had burned past pain and into bliss. And in this new form, my anger was also channeled somewhere deep. It fed a spinning fire in my belly that while it swirled, it absorbed my anger and pain transforming it into a liquid fuel that pulsed through my veins opening up a brand new, limitless world.

My senses were all heightened. I could see behind me, beside me, above and beyond me. All the way to the small dragonfly that flew past with its green and black wings and bluish eyes or to the firefighters that were unwinding their hose in front of the house. I could hear them calling for backup, but I could also hear the flight attendant in the plane passing overhead asking passengers to buckle their seatbelts due to sudden turbulence….right. Turbulence.

The passing wind too held a different sensation, carrying within it a network of information like the storm that approached from the south.  Then there were the heightened smells, and all I could smell was Ivan. Though fading that was the only scent I could breathe in.

All of it, my faerie side and my human side were working together to sustain the other. Neither could do it alone. Both were heartbroken, tired and without an ounce of hope. But together, there was strength. . My humanity provided the emotions; my faerie side transformed it into the energy and power I needed to keep from collapsing. That was why I never truly broke. Because when my Faerie side tired, there was still my human side left to trudge forth.  It was a strange kind of beautiful, a strange kind of peace.  That was why my powers were erratic and crazy, because it didn’t matter how much I tried to control my powers, if I didn’t keep my emotions in check, there was no control and vice versa.

And I would not have total control over my life; over my powers until I realized that though Faerie and human, they were not two separate entities. They were the same. They were me.

I was no longer human, I was Fae.

I was no longer Fae. I was human.

I had been enlightened.

Awakened.

Kheelan’s voice swept in somewhere in the madness. He yelled things that I could no longer understand because his voice warped, as did all other sounds of approaching footsteps and the blaring sirens in the distance.  Even the dragonfly’s wings seemed to become lengthened flaps. The raining showers from the firefighters spraying over the house fell onto my head, the droplets slowly becoming suspended liquid particles of halted rain. 

And it was me, bending time. Because I wanted to. Because I deserved just one second of absolute peace. A stilled moment to reflect….to decide what I wanted to do with my life. An uninterrupted measure of time to gather Ivan’s lifeless body in my arms and hold him one last time.

So finding the space in between my heartbeats, and the space in between that, I focused on Ivan’s eyes and slowed…it…all…down. Only humans had frozen before but this time Kheelan’s blinks too slowed.

The sounds deepened further until reaching a strange humming. And there, between the nothingness of all the voices and the trembling and the sirens and the screaming….I heard it, the distant sound of never ending waves. I smelled the singular fragrance of the sea. Beneath, I felt the silky sands begging me to step back into this world. But most of all, in the winds that whipped all around me violently, a chanting of voices called to me. The chants were continuous low whispers both of male and female voices, all speaking at different times but in unison all pleading, begging me to bring them the body. Ivan’s body.

They were the same voices I heard during our fusion, roaring in the wind but even they would have to wait. Digging my claws into the beating earth, I crawled to Ivan, the warmness of his blood saturating my clothes. I lifted his torso from the ground, my heart clenching tightly. Brushing the sand and the blood and the hunters’ tar from his face, I took my rightful time. Though the voices chanted, with more vigor, I held him still, caressing him, staring at him and pressing him against me while burying my nose in his hair. Filling my lungs with his scent, I held it for a moment before exhaling. Then for the last time, I brought my lips down onto his, lightly and whispered what I hoped he knew before dying. That regardless of it all, I loved him.  

The winds boomed once more, the chanting intensifying. And so, in the same manner we had gone to the Red Sands together, I kissed him again and lost myself in the sounds and sensations.  I would take them his body. Who they were? I didn’t know. What they wanted? Who knew? But one thing was for certain, I had nothing left to lose.

**

Warm water crashed against us, sending me rocking back slightly, but I secured Ivan against me. Retracting, the waves took some of the dirt and blood from Ivan's body but he was still lifeless. Looking around, Kheelan and my father were gone.  Instead, hooded figures stood behind me, their velvet robes of red and white with golden ropes tied around their waists.  Two of them stepped forward, One red and one white.

“Her Grace wishes to see you.” The one in the red hood spoke, his voice a deep velvet and though never lifting his head, it was safe to say he was male. None of them lifted their heads and their hands were hidden beneath the hanging robes.

The one in white that stood beside him added, “To thank you for bringing back the vessel.” Her voice was more soothing, and obviously female. Then simultaneously they reached for Ivan’s body.  Their skin was pale and smooth like glass with a whitish glow, a pure glow similar to my own. But looking down at my hands, I was back in my human skin.

Regardless, instincts flared.  I wasn’t handing over the body so quickly. I had no idea who they were and what they wanted. Not that it mattered. It wasn’t as if I could run away with Ivan’s body but I needed to know things. I held him tighter to me.

“Who are you?”

Before they could answer, a voice came from behind, a familiar voice. “They are the servants of Tempall A’Nam, The Temple of Souls. You can trust them.”

What? I was speechless. Not because I didn’t know what Tempall A’Nam was, which I didn’t. But because I could identify that voice anywhere. Turning slowly, I finally put a face to my curse and I’m sure the expression on my face told her I knew exactly who she was. Hadn’t she tortured me for long enough to now be standing there and me not recognize her?

Dressed in an immaculate white sheer gown was Maris, standing much taller than I, and all legs. Seriously, supermodel was an understatement which only made me feel worse. I had to admit, it was clear why Ivan was crazy about her. Any man with half a dose of reason would be. She had the greenest eyes that sparkled seductively, with dangerousness in their depths. There was no doubt in my mind she was evil but any man would fall under her spell.  Her ravishing red hair tumbled past her waist in long waves that moved on their own to a different wind.

 That was Maris.

 Swaying in my direction, her pouty lips twisted into a smirk. “I can manifest here, all souls with a vessel can. Surprised to see me?”

Surprised? Damned right I was. Heck, try flabbergasted, astounded, stunned even. I’m sure the expression on my face spoke of pure dread but yes, I was surprised.  She knelt beside me and honestly, I didn’t know which I wanted more. To protect Ivan from the hooded figures or to beat the hell out of Maris, the latter much more attractive. I wanted to plummet her into the sand and toss her in the water but in the midst of our staring contest, a voice broke in.

“Your Highness.” The white hooded figure bowed, “Highness Daercha Croi.” she clarified, not that it helped me any. I no longer understood the language. All my understanding vanished along with Ivan. Crazy how strong the bond was. But when they spoke, it was musical, like a sweet lullaby.

Maris, for once being useful translated. “That’s you, Highness of Dark Essence. It is the name of your father. Of your ancestors. Mine is Daercha Solas, Essence of Light.” She grinned. I would be smiling too because it was all a joke. The Fae world really had everything backwards. Here I was, as angelic as they come….well okay maybe angelic was a bad word but next to Maris, I was practically holy. And I was Princess of the Dark Essence, yet Maris who tried to kill her own mother was of the essence of Light? Would laughing be considered crass because really.

“Not my family and not my father.” I snapped, looking back at the hooded woman, “My name is Charlotte O’Dean,” my voice lowered, “Stokaya.” Yes, his last name was mine and I would wear it proudly because those marks were just that, marks. He was and would forever be my common.

“Forgive me your highness.” The red hooded servant bowed. “Her Grace insists we get you and the vessel under the protection of the Temple and of Her Grace.”

“Your father has spies all over this land.” Maris, once again spoke up. No doubt she wanted to save her neck because I still wanted to handle her. “If they learn that Ivan is here or that we are here, he will send out hunters again. He might even come himself, and we do not want that. It would be a clash of the Courts.  We can’t allow that to happen. Not when so many of the pieces are together.”

“What courts and what pieces and who is her Grace?” Frustration was evident in my voice. Never a down moment. Just danger and fighting, more danger and death. Could I not grieve in peace? At least that. I swallowed down a slew of curses and anger and listened.

“The Seelie and Unseelie Courts, Charlotte. Did you not listen when Kheelan and Ivan explained? Each side wants us, the pieces, for their own reasons. Me being the key, you being the bender of time that’s needed to locate the door. Ivan is the only one that can read the map. Your father can’t find us. We can’t afford it.”

“And why do you care? You’re Unseelie. You want the door to be found. You want to veil between Hillenia and the human world to fail. Why don’t you want Xanthus finding us?”

“Because once he knows where we are, my mother will know as well and she will kill me.”

I cocked an eyebrow. That didn’t sound that bad to me.

“To kill me she has to kill you too genius. And you’re Xanthus’ daughter so all Seelie want you dead, regardless.”

She had a point there.

“And her Grace is the High Priestess” Maris said with little emotion, a bit of anger really.  Something obviously happened between them but I couldn’t force myself to care. Not then.

“She is the voice of our ancestors and of all the souls that have passed into the never ending cycle.  She performs all High ceremonies in Hillenia: The Budling ceremonies, the Bindings, Soul purifications—“

Everything else fell into the loud drumming of my heart. Maybe Fate was throwing me a bone. Maybe her Grace could somehow restore Ivan. She had access to souls. She could cleanse him and maybe bring him back. Perhaps that was why she wanted us to bring back his body. Not to get ahead of myself but breathing became much harder to come by because it was back—Hope.  Maybe….just maybe there was still time to save him.

I nodded to the hooded figures who then motioned behind them and took Ivan from my arms. The rest of the veiled Fae lined up by color and  helped lift Ivan. Their hands, similar in appearance, spread about evenly beneath his body. There was one who didn’t join them. Instead he draped a dark blue robe with a beautiful seal stitched in gold over Ivan’s body. He then gave Maris and I hoods as well, red for me and white for Maris.

“The red are for Unseelie, the White for the Seelie. In the Temple, both sides work together to create a balance in our world. Until your budling ceremony, you wear the color of your makers...your parents.” It bothered me. I would be considered Unseelie until some ceremony, one I doubted would ever happen. But there were bigger things to worry about than what color hood I was handed. They could have given me one in neon green and it would have been the same.

“But what if my father has spies here?” My eyes shifted from Maris to the caravan trekking through the sand with Ivan’s body. I motioned with my head clearly expressing my concern that perhaps one of the servants was a spy.

With a flat voice, Maris replied, “Impossible. Their souls are tied to Her Grace. She would know instantly if any thought to betray the oath of silence and truth.”

“You seem to know a lot.”  Maris didn’t answer. When I looked at her, she stared straight ahead, quiet. It was a curious silence and maybe it was just fatigue confusing my perception, but her aura changed drastically when I said that. It was parts reluctance and guilt almost.  But the nostalgia was clear. That was all I was able to pick up on when she finally turned to me.

Meeting my eyes, Maris nodded once. “Your common was a good teacher.”

And what was it. We stared levelly at one another and truth be told,  I envied her. I was jealous to where I couldn’t look at her anymore.  She knew Ivan in a way I could only dream of. She had memories of him, of being with him, of affections from him, things I wouldn’t ever experience.  She had reached a level of comfort with him where he willingly asked her to be his common. He wasn't forced to be with her how he was with me.

I wonder how he looked at her. She was gorgeous, that was a given. But beyond that. I wanted to know if his eyes softened when he looked at her. Did he laugh a lot? Was he affectionate or always cut dry? Did he compliment her?  Hell, I wanted to know anything because I knew nothing at all. What was his favorite color? Did he talk in his sleep?

Maris knew those things. I did not. I never would. She knew all the things that only time spent with him would have taught me, but we had run out of time and I was jealous. And the envy turned to a dull ache in my chest because of all the things Maris knew, the one she could declare with all certainty was that Ivan loved her. Even if for a short time, he had loved her deeply, blindly.  

Yes, I envied her.

And so turning back to the traveling party, we readjusted our hoods,  lowered our heads and kept to our silence until long minutes later, Maris said, "We're here."

Lifting my eyes, through the reddish haze, I saw it in the distance. The Temple of Souls.

And with it, I saw hope.

                                                                                       ***

Thoughts? 

You guys got Faethfully Yours to #41 (or 49…..something like that) I never expected that so THANK YOU!

But don't stop now.  Vote and Comment! The regular readers and silent readers alike!

And if you want to join the crazy bandwagon, fan :)  

As a thank you in advance, there is a sneak peek for the next chapter on my Facebook page. There is a link on my profile or just look up DistantDreamer. I just started it so go and show some love. You'll also see the working cover for Book 2. The title so far is Faethfully Yours: Unbound   What do you think?

No worries, Ivan’s cheating (?) will be explained. If I spill all the reasons now then that would leave me with nothing fun to write.

Ok done rambling!

<3Thanks for reading!!