Dear Love

I've always known you. At least, I thought I did.

When I was a child, you stared back at me from my mother's face. I heard you in my sister's laughter that time we liberated an exercise bike from the side of the road and every time my father held my hand.

It was never hard for me to see you. I always knew you were there, supporting me. Standing behind me, every day.

Your constant presence allowed me the unfortunate opportunity to squander you and take you for granted. Being young and foolish, I'm sure I did this too often, though you were never fickle. When I erred and wasn't kind, you stayed with me, always.

There were times that things didn't go as planned or relationships didn't work. Life is strange like that, but you were there. It wasn't your responsibility to make things work. Those were my failures – not yours.

That's where I made my mistake. I thought I knew you. I thought because we'd been close for so long that I understood your depths and boundaries.

I didn't know that you weren't supposed to be beside me. All that time, I had it wrong.

When I think back to the moment it all changed, it wasn't picture perfect or pretty. I was exhausted, in desperate need of a shower, and wearing a sweaty hospital gown. I couldn't feel my legs and probably looked like I'd been through hell.

He looked even worse; a bruise on his cheek, his eyes nearly swollen shut. Acne covered his cheeks and his head was shaped like a football.

And for the first time I could remember, you weren't by my side.

You were in me.

Living, breathing, stretching so wide I felt like I might split, you filled me. From inside of me, you swelled until I could scarcely breathe.

For the first time, I knew that I'd never really known you completely. I had been wrong.

I'd been blanketed by you all of my life. But until I looked at my son for the first time and felt you weaving yourself inside of me, I realized I'd only seen a small part of you.

I like to think that I've really only seen a small part of myself too. Every moment of my life, every event, changes me. We sway and shift inside and adapt. We grow and our relationships evolve into something different each day. Some days we struggle because life isn't perfect.

I know they see the part of you that I always saw; the surface. They take for granted what it means for someone (me) to love them unconditionally. They'll make mistakes and I will love them through it, just like you always showed me.

Someday, they will find their moment. When you go from being on their surface to being inside of them. Where you show them why we live and love.

I can't wait.

Jenni <3