I couldn't look at him. those oak tree brown eyes were full of unbearable denial and tears. I had to do it. I had no other choice, not now. here I am... it's what is best, isn't it?

"you don't mean it... do you, tyler?" he asked, his highlighter yellow strands of hair fell over his eyes.

I adverted my eyes from him and focused on the cement, noticing small cracks. I didn't want to look at josh. I didn't want to look at his long needing-a-cut hair. I didn't want to look at his rosy cheeks from the cold. I didn't want to look at his slightly opened chapped lips that breathed in a slow pattern, and made me long for a kiss from his irresistible lips. but I did --I tilted my head up and stared at him, at a loss for words.

I had made him broken.

I felt a something kiss my nose, but it wasn't josh's sweet lips, it was a snowflake. In the midst of the violent silence, it had begun to snow, heavily. it was almost fitting somehow. an overcast, arid, below freezing day. I just wore a thin bland colored sweatshirt, sickness was the least of my worries. the snow is pretty, but it comes with the icy cold.I always liked the snow, but not the cold. i don't think much do... but how fitting, indeed.

"tyler!" josh snaps, tears forming even more in his eyes, becoming puffy and red. I cock my head to look at him at a different angle, feeling a lump in my dry throat. I close my eyes and breathe softly.

"i'm sorry, josh..." I say, keeping my eyes closed, feeling the darkness in my mind.

it wasn't my fault my dad wanted to leave; we are moving in a few days and my father's strict, painful request was to do this. compelled by his threatening tone, here I am, wanting to tie a noose to the branch of this small city tree beside me. I didn't want to move; I don't want to leave josh. but here i stand with him in the cold.

people pass by and cars drive past. people busy with their normal business lives, their monotonous routine, dead voices, sluggish walks. not aware or even have a care in the world as to what is happening. their universe is fine. while mine and josh's is cracking in two, revealing the deadly black hole of despair and depression. it's inevitable, yet it was coming. the cause of the black hole was that explosion of change.

a tall male dressed in a very large coat catches my eye, hood over his face—even without the hood it was very hard to make his face out. it was almost like a shuttered photo, but, then again, he was far away... though I could feel his eyes watching, being nosy, I presume.

I trace my eyes back to the details of josh's emotionless face...

josh didn't speak or move for a long time. I thought I killed him, because he was so stiff and his skin pale, nearly a pale green, like he was going to be sick. unconsciously, I reach my hand out to him, to try and pull him in for a hug, but he flinches back aggressively and sniffs, staring at the ground.

"no," he says. "don't touch me..." his voice cracking and his fists clenched.

I pull my frigid hand to my chest, cupping it with my other hand.

"you... y-you," he stumbles over his words, but gathers himself, "you blasphemous, cynical boy! h-how dare you!"

my eyes widen a bit in confusion and hurt. unnecessary, however, controllable rage flows to my shaky hands cupped together.

"h-how dare I?" I mumble. josh looks at me, not a look I recognize, his face covered in damp tears and some snot. he looked broken, but still beautifully broken. so beautifully broken...

"yes, how dare you tyler joseph," he pauses and stuff his white knuckles in his coat pockets, "how dare you steal my emotions and love, only to break the sacred trust in the end... to break the passion in my heart for you... I love you tyler. I'll wait for you. my savior this isn't you, you've turned so cold... and so I'll wait for you to come back to me."

I felt my eyes sting. it isn't who i'm blaming to be at fault, it's myself. I need to point the deadly, sharp knife at myself. i'm the explosion's other set of supernova stars and sucking winds of a black hole. i'm the harsh, cold snowflakes during a blizzard when it's already so cold.

i want to say something, but nothing reaches the surface of my mouth, it's locked away in the back of my throat with the giant dry lump. josh turns without another word and starts walking to the bus stop at the corner. it's done. it's all gone. I couldn't move, my feet were planted; glued into the cement. this wasn't right, why am I doing what's best for my drunk of a father? what good has he done? what good have I done?

i should run to josh right now. run to those highlighter yellow dyed locks and get my hands tangled in them. run to those deep brown irises and get lost in them. run to those chapped pink lips and connect mine to them. I should, I should, I should... but I don't.

I watch as the bus rolls up to the sign with a pshh and squeak. I watch the doors of opportunity close josh away, taking him away... taking my life away, watching all that once was drive past and leave me. I squeeze my hands tightly and bite my lip hard, feeling everything ache. all of it is gone now.

this is what is best. long distance would never work, no not ever. why is it so hard though? to leave it all, wasn't it supposed to be quick and painless? how was I supposed to know with no guide. so I have done wrong. I have messed up. I always mess up. how could I do this? nothing is left in my hands anymore to do, other than to look for a safe spot in my mind, but that seems unlikely, so for now:

I want to hold on. after i've blew my chance, after i've killed my light and his, I'm going to hold onto him.

~~~
Disclaimer!!!!!

(THIS HAS BEEN EDITED AND IT IS WISE TO REREAD AS SOMETHINGS HAVE BEEN ADDED! 8/8/17 if you haven't read this before then carry on, you are new.)
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Hello frens! haha yes ko me. anyway, how about a joshler short story to make myself cry?

I have dedicated any creation of my joshler works to my dearest, best friend sugaandpineapples who is an amazing writer and person!

this books is also something to keep me writing and going, so it'll help me with my other books and possibly getting out of writer's block and my "hiatus" which i won't be calling it that other than i'm lazy. xD

okie bye guys! thank you for your continued support, it means a lot. love you all, you're all wonderful and amazing!