I feel so empty. I don't feel like doing anything other than stare at the ceiling and watch the fan spin rapidly. my mind is stuck in a loop of two days ago on that cold winter's evening.

I've been sitting in this boxed room for some time, just thinking and staring blankly. I haven't thought about anything in particular, just how awful I feel and how terrible the world works.

or how my mind wanders to josh's voice and what would come out of his mouth. he was so imaginative and wonderful I swear he spoke colors. I mean it, that's what was flying out of his mouth, was just beautiful colors. and it was like he knew because he'd dye his hair those colors. but I speak of him like he's gone, which he essentially is... I miss him so much my heart aches each time. 

I haven't talked to him at school. not one word. but I've stared. I'm sure he notices them, but I do know he stares back. I think the hardest part of all of this is the amount of loneliness.

sure, I had other friends, like ryan and pat, but that's not at all the same. the feeling is so much different with them. the feeling I have with josh is just so addicting and comforting, not having it is like a part of me has been taken, sawed in half, and thrown into a grinder. I lost my love and my best friend.

ryan and pat...
they were busy. they had relationships to deal with too. pat was in a relationship with that new girl in school, who always wore a dark maroon colored lipstick and a messy, yet lovely, hairstyle. the lipstick complimented her dark brown hair. ryan, on the other hand, had met a guy in guitar center one day with a really strong voice, long hair, and these full lips with such character.

but before them, it was pat, ryan, and josh and I. it was the four of us against the world. including the silly moments of banter and jealousy spewed from the two goofs to josh and I. the aww's and, "you two make me sick, but god is it in a good way." pat chimed in with, "like that feeling when you get off a sick rollercoaster." we always laughed. and that was normal. it was nice.

I miss it so much. I felt tears escape my eyes.

I haven't talked to ryan and pat. I haven't seen them, rather. josh had probably told them everything and they're most likely mad at me, and I wouldn't blame them. I'm an idiot.

but soon... I'll be leaving this town, for good, a new fresh start on the horizon. it's what I need, isn't it? I've already screwed up so much that it sounds great and my only choice is that, anyway. a new start; no one will know who I am, what I've done, what I'm going to do, or why I've moved. or, to make it easier, I just won't talk to anyone. a plan that is fool proof.
because if I don't talk to anyone I don't spill.
I hope.

you see, it sounds so easy, isolation. it feels... cold... just the word itself gives the vibe of frigid temperatures. I close my eyes for a brief moment and see a figure flash before me. I jumped and opened my eyes quickly and look at my surroundings... odd.

I shiver and focus on a box filled with my music sheets and equipment next to me. I decided to open the box, gingerly touching the cardboard sides, and stare for a long time. I start to dig through it, searching for my notebook. dad must've tossed it in here, as I remember looking through my personal boxes and it wasn't there. I continue to dig, more frantically by the second and feeling my breath shorten.

Where is it?!

a knock on the door sends me into a startled jump and causes me to cut my finger against the sharp end of an unknown plug.

"shit..." i mutter and sit up straight when my mom walks through the door, cautiously.

"tyler, sweetie, are you okay...?" she asks, mellowness and purity just laced in her smooth glassy voice.

I sigh and put my back against the bare, cold wall, that's chipping off paint.

"yeah, I'm fine, mom..." I lied. I didn't look at her.

I wasn't fine, but it wasn't the stinging cut on my finger that made me not fine.

she sighs and walks in, closing the door behind her. "ty, can we talk?" she says more than asks.

I nod and she slides against the wall to sit on the rough floor with me.

"do you truly want to move?" she asks, touching my shoulder with such caution, as if I was a bomb ready to explode with one miss trim of a wire. and I was.

"I don't know," I say, finally looking at her worn, tiresome, but still beautiful, face. "I'm being forced to, so I suppose I'll have to be okay with it. I don't have much say, I normally don't." I shrug, feeling a bit guilty with the amount of bluntness that rolled off my tongue. I didn't want to be harsh, but I wanted to be honest.

"well, maybe if i talked to your fa-" she begins, but I can already see where this is headed.

"talk with dad?" I say, my voice slightly shaky. "how'd that help the first three times? what even is with him moving, why is it so important?"

"you know it's for work, sweetie." she continues with a calm voice, "but you're almost eighteen, tyler, why not use the money you've saved up to buy that dream apartment you and joshua wanted? isn't that something you boys wanted since freshman year?"

I wince at josh's name and don't speak, but I slightly snicker and rub my eyes and let my hand go down to cover my lips. I felt tears well up in my eyes and my nose burn. I felt my heart sink into my stomach, full of acidity, waiting for its demise.

"am I wrong? did something happen?" she asked, reaching to touch my knee. "you never did tell me why you were upset that night. did you and josh get in a fight?"

how obliviously sweet my mother was, oblivious in the sense of how hurtful each word was. I responded with a shrug and try to take deep breaths. I didn't really want to even recall that evening, but I haven't muttered about it to anyone, so it might help me in the long run...
the closure is the ideal need for a tragic loss such as this-... this break in the strings.

"yeah, a lot happened." I manage to get out with a whisper. my mom rubs my knee, telling me to go on.

"josh and I broke up. actually, it wasn't even a mutual thing." I chuckle in disappointment to myself. "I did it. I broke my own heart—most importantly relevant, I broke joshua dun's heart."

there's a strong and long silence that gathers in the room like a smoke bomb.

I start to cry.

"mom..." I try to murmur through the small sobs. "I love him... why did I do that? he hates me now... ryan, p-pat, they all ha-hate me. and we're leaving in-in sixteen hours, it's not enough time for me to fi-fix any of th-this."

"it's not enough time for me t-to expla-explain myself, I mean h-how do I? there's no po-point anyway, I'll be leaving and non-none of it will ma-matter..." I grip my hand on the box, finally realizing. "and josh... has my notebook."

now that it's said out loud, it made so much sense. my mom takes her hand off my knee and looks me dead in the eyes.

"oh, tyler... you need to fix this," mom said, now holding my hand. "you shouldn't feel obligated to not be with the one you love just because of your father or the moving. I know he's been insensitive lately... but when your father and I fell in love his mother hated me." she smiled, lightly and continued,

"despised me even. but when the day came for your father to leave for the military I went over and talked to him for a very long time. I told him how much I loved him, to be safe, how much I cared, and how I'll be waiting when he gets back. his mother and I shared a huge bonding point, but that was it... and look at us now."

she paused and wiped a stray tear from my cheek.

"I've been where josh has before, too. this little hiccup hasn't been the first, honey. there has been other hiccups and this isn't your last. there will be more. but I know you'll get through it, because you both love each other... and that's what love is."

I loved the way my mom explained things. like each word was so special. like each word had a story of its own. I felt my heart slow down in calming rhythm as I pull my mother in for a loving hug. how warm it felt.

"how about we talk more in the morning? okay? get some sleep, ty, you need it."

she kisses my forehead and gives a sweet like honey smile before leaving and turning off the light.

I slept on the carpet floor, not bothering to unpack the blankets and pillows for the night...

----

Trying to get back into the swing of things.

Tough times lately, but thanks for the patience. <3