(This chapter has harsh words involving homosexuality from homophobic fictional characters. I do not encourage the following in those, just to clarify, I believe it is disgusting to call someone those awful things just because of their sexuality. You've been warned though, stay safe and I'll let you know again if you want to skip it.)

I woke up the next morning feeling like gravity was stronger than me today— I couldn't get up— and I was stuck staring at the bland popcorn ceiling that flaked down every now and then.

I miss josh. it's so cold without him. an empty space in my small bed. a space that could only be filled with the heat of his body, the sweat of his back when it got too hot. my fingers are slipping off the grasp of a monkey gym bar and if I fall, I fall into the depths of hell, and that doesn't sound too bad at this point, maybe I won't feel cold anymore. I want to hold on though, but what is the point? I've messed up good this time. there's no forgiving, but maybe forgetting.

I recall the first time we fought. it was a bright june, almost summer, day, ready to be abolished and ruined. josh and I hasn't been talking, he'd been so busy with his other new friends and keeping us a secret, he'd forgotten all about me, about us. I was used to stuff like that, but not with him. I would always walk up to him and his friends and try to join in, but he'd just smile nervously, like he was embarrassed of me. I never fitted in either. I don't know how josh did.
(Small warn)
I tried holding his hand once, but that turned poorly. finally, one day, I heard it. "why do you hang out with that depressed fag that writes that lame poetry, anyway?"

I heard josh laugh nervously, he didn't answer.

"well, if you don't have an answer why not just ditch the little poet?"

josh stood there and shrugged, obviously agitated.

"no, I like tyler, he's my best friend." he said, and I felt my heart race.

I heard the two guys snicker thinking it was a joke that josh told in sarcasm.

"what?" josh asked, shaking a bit. I wanted to grab him to stop him.

"you're serious?" the guy crossed his arms, he was a bit buff, telling by his tight shirt. josh didn't speak, just flattened his lip and looked at the locker.

"such a loser, you're actually friends with that dummy?" the other guy with a small stubble and a jersey that's too big for him.

"h-he's n-not a dummy! ye-yes, i love him..!" josh blurted out, I could tell he didn't mean to say it aloud, because his dark brown eyes blinked a few times along with his lips white from squeezing them.

I remember those words making my heart flutter, but my fingers ache.
(Big warn)
"you love him?" one of them spat out laughing and pushed him. "are you a gay bitch like him too? you two dating, fucking?"

josh backed away and looked at his feet that were touching at the end of his black van shoes. "n-no, yes.. no..." josh stumbled and flattened his lips again.

they pushed him again and again until he hit the lockers perpendicular from the first set. they punched him gently at first, then harsher.

"you gay piece of shit, the fuck, did you think you had friends for once cause you're lonely. fuck off!" they slapped him across the face.

I couldn't move at first, but my nerves did all the work and stomped me over to them. i glance and see a figure behind a locker, probably watching, but continue to move. I grab josh's face and turn to them with the most intimidating scowl I can pull off.

"josh! you get off him, don't touch him, you spoiled brats! get out of here!" I shout. I felt my voice start to strain against the spewing of words. I felt my gut go in on itself as one of their fists punched my stomach.

they were snickering, but their eyes said otherwise as they jogged away to find someone else to fill their self-esteem, because nothing can help their IQ. I gripped tightly on josh's shoulders, which are boney and stiff.

"j-josh?" I say quietly, "are you okay?"

I held onto my stomach and saw that tears were steaming down his face. I reach out my hand to touch his cheek, but he flinches and moves his head. he mumbles something, eyes fixed on the ground. I hum for him to speak up.

"go away!" he shouts abruptly, "I can't ever be normal! I can't ever be happy! for once I wanted to have friends. just leave!!"

he gets ready to run, but I grab his wrist. he stops for a second then instantly slaps it away to run off.

later on, josh and I had a serious talk. I was sat on his couch like always and waited for him to speak first. he does, but he grabs my hand, gingerly, like he's just cut them open to bleed.

"I'm sorry about what I said. I really didn't mean it.. I was just so angry and upset. I don't even know why I cared what those assholes thought.. I do love you...." he looks up at me, indicating he didn't have any other words he could form. his eyes were filled with regret and were shiny under the subtle lamp next to us.

"I love you, too, josh. we just have to remember to be comfortable with ourselves, okay? no matter what people say, they don't matter.  those guys are jerks and will most likely never make it far or find love like we have found in each other. you are perfect just the way you are, there is no need to change. you have the greatest of friends, you must remember that." I smile and josh doesn't stop grinning. I felt like I came off too blunt, or I didn't help much, or I was harsh in a way. I was never good at giving advice in my opinion.

"I love you so much, tyler. thank you for dealing with an idiot like me." he pulls me in for a long embrace and pecks my cheek about three times. and a small whisper escaped his lips, "forever."

I remember after that day we became even closer as not only best friends.. but lovers. I recall all the nights I'd lay in bed fantasizing the wonders of josh dun, always innocent of course. (well some nights were much different)

but now here I lay these past nights, crying in a cold bed, with no warmth by my side. not a spot of heat in my heart for the memories that are soon to die...

---

I don't even remember the last time I got a good sleep in...

So much stress I swear.

I won an award for my writing content at my school and I'm so grateful and surprised!? I love the teachers I've had this past year.

I'll quit rambling, but I just thought I could share it... it makes me happy...

Edit: this was written like in June and I forgot to update this, I'm so sorry guys.

~syd dan