So, O.K., you're probably going, is this, like, a Noxema commercial or what?  But seriously,

I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl.  I mean, I get up, I brush my teeth, and I pick out my school clothes.

Daddy's a litigator.  Those are the scariest kinds of lawyers.  Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him. And Daddy is so good, he gets $500 an hour to fight with people.
He fights with me for free.

"Daddy!"

"Clove, please don't start with the juice again."

"Daddy, you need your Vitamin C."

"Where's my briefcase?"

"It's been a couple months now, let's go to Malibu."

"Don't tell me those lowlifes have been calling again."

"They are your parents.  Don't sneak out of the office, Dr. Lovett's giving you a flu shot."

"Cato is coming for dinner."

"Why?"

"He's your stepbrother!"

"You were hardly married to his mother.  Why do I have to see Cato?"

"You divorce wives, not children."

"Here."

"Forget it!"

Did I show you the loqued out Jeep Daddy got me?  It's got four-wheel drive, dual side airbags, and a monster sound system.  I don't have a license yet, but I need something to learn on.

"Boy! That came out of nowhere!"

Here's where Glimmer lives.  She's my friend because we both know what it's like to have people jealous of us.

"Girlfriend!"

I must give her snaps for her courageous fashion efforts.

"Hey, Cher."

Glimmer and I were both named after great victors of the past who now do infomercials.

"So, been shopping with Dr. Seuss?"

"I wouldn't skin a collie for a backpack."

"It's faux."

"Hello! That was a stop sign."

"I totally paused."

"Yeah. O.K."

"It's not even 8:30, and Marvel is paging me. He is so possessive. This weekend he called me, and he's all, Where were you toda—"

Glimmer and her boyfriend Marvel are in this dramatic relationship.  I think they've seen that Ike and Tina Turner movie just too many times.  Now, I have to say to her...

"Why do you put up with it?  You could do better."

"I know. Shh. Here he comes."

"Woman, why don't you be answering any of my pages?"

"I hate when you call me woman."

"Where you been all weekend? You jeepin' behind my back?"

"No! But speaking of vehicular sex, perhaps you can explain how this Kmart plastic nail got into the backseat of your car."

"I don't know where that came from.  That looks like one of your pointy something or anothers."

"I do not wear stick on nails, O.K. Unlike Rue."

"Glim, I'm Audi."

"Bye."

"That's it. I've had it with you.  Is it that time of the month again?"

I don't know why Glimmer's going out with a high school boy.  They're like dogs.  You have to clean them and feed them.  They're just like these nervous creatures that jump and slobber all over you.

"Ew! Get off of me!  Oh, as if!"