I grab my phone and glance at the time as soon as I wake up, then have a moment of panic, feeling like I'm very late for work. It's after 2 pm! But it's Sunday today, I remember, and anyway, I rarely need to physically go in to work unless I really want to. I wonder if I'll ever get used to it.

I glance over at Tae, who is sleeping flat on his stomach beside me, and smile fondly. His face is squished into the pillow, his mouth puffed out into duck lips almost like when he chews noodles. I very gently push his bangs back from his forehead and he doesn't even stir. His eyelashes are so long and dark against his cheek. I watch for a moment to make sure he's breathing, because he's lying so still.

My mind wanders back to the drive home last night. He was really sleepy after all of the, er, hiking, plus at least three glasses of wine, so I drove us back to Seoul. We chatted for the first half-hour or so, joking about how our love-making had been so noisy that local villagers probably thought there were werewolves or unrested spirits haunting the mountain. "We're lucky they didn't come with the..." My Korean vocabulary failed me and I had to make up new phrases.

"You know, the big wooden flashlight fire sticks and the large forks for grass?"

"Tochi and geulgeo ollida?" he supplied, laughing at me.

"Yes, those. For chasing werewolves."

Taehyung threw back his head and laughed, then gave his best wolf howl and told me that I was cute.

He knocked out hard not too long afterward, without even laying the seat back, and I worried about his poor wobbling head hitting the window every time the road curved to the left. There was very little traffic outside of the city at that time of night, so I glided smoothly through the turns, trying to process everything that we had said and done. My brain was too tired to focus properly, though. My typical deep analysis and over-thinking would have to wait.

We were back at the apartment less than an hour later, and by then he was sleeping so hard that I couldn't get him to wake up even by shaking his shoulder and yelling his name. I opened his car door from the outside, relying on the seat belt to keep him from toppling out onto the concrete floor of the parking structure. He woke up just enough to stumble to the elevator, key in the code, strip off his clothes and tumble into bed. I washed my face and brushed my teeth, then joined him. I recall how even while sound asleep, he managed to reach for me and pull me close to be his little spoon, his leg thrown over mine.

I glance over at his sleeping face again, and a wave of love for this amazing, strange, magical man catches at my throat and makes me want to cry. How does he make me feel so many things that I've never felt before? How could I ever possibly live without him?

I really want to wake him up now, so I can see his big pretty eyes, but I control the urge and roll out of bed instead. He needs his sleep, and I need to pee. I nearly step on Lulu, who has darted out from under the armchair directly into my path to the en suite bathroom, and I cuss her out quietly for tripping me.

Business attended to, I throw on a t-shirt and yoga pants and wander into the kitchen, trying to squash an amorphous sense of worry that is nagging at the edges of my mind. Breakfast would be good, I decide, then wonder if it's still breakfast if you eat it at 2:30 pm. "Breakfast served all day!" I remark in English, to nobody in particular.

Coffee is percolating in the machine, bacon hisses and spits on the griddle, and I optimistically crack five eggs into a bowl to scramble, hoping that the smell of food will wake up Taehyung. Lulu winds between my feet, yowling at me angrily because her dish is empty. I give her some wet food, wash my hands, and begin to whisk the eggs, when suddenly it strikes me: We forgot to use condoms last night!

'Shit!' I think, wondering if I should run down to the pharmacy for morning-after pills. 'How could we be so careless?' I feel a pang of anger at Tae, who insisted on preparing everything for our outing, but forgot to bring condoms. In fairness, though, I got caught up in the moment, or moments, as well. Then a cold doubt stabs my heart...

'Did he actually forget, or was it deliberate?' I muse, suspicion blooming in my mind. 'Maybe he wants me to get pregnant so that I'll agree to marry him? Would he be that sneaky?'

My heart wants to believe that he wouldn't, but in my mind's eye I see all of the dirty tricks that he has pulled on his dear friends and bandmates over the years for minor prizes on Run BTS. He is definitely both persistent and ruthless when it comes to getting what he wants. 'And I'm almost certain that I saw a small box in his hand last night... but he didn't propose... Did I imagine that? Maybe he decided to wait and try to get me pregnant first?'

"Shit!" I say out loud this time, flipping over the nearly-burnt bacon. Yes, among all his fine attributes, Kim Taehyung is also a master manipulator, and I know that he loves to have his own way... but would he really play dirty with something so important as our lives, and the life of a potential child?

I turn the burners off and sit down at the kitchen table with a thump.

'Do I even know the man I love at all?'

_________________________________

Lulu growls and hisses as I shove her into the carrier, my eyes filled with tears. "Shut up, Lu!" I whisper, afraid that she'll wake Taehyung. I don't even bother to put on real clothes, just grab my purse and the carrier and walk out the door in my sleep tee and yoga pants. My heart feels like it's going to jump out of my ribcage, and I'm gasping quietly for breath.

The carrier bumps against my leg with each step, but I don't care. I'm too angry to deal with hailing a taxi, too angry to even wipe off the tears that are streaming down my face. I know that some passing pedestrians are giving me looks, but I don't give a shit.

It takes me about 30 minutes to get to my apartment carrying the cat. By the time I arrive, an overwhelming feeling of sadness has started to mix with the initial rage. My notifications have been going off steadily for the past five minutes, but I ignore my phone, leaving it in my purse. I free Luthien and refill her water dish, then crumple into the fetal position on the floor and just sob.

Not five minutes after I get home, I can hear heavy feet pounding up the stairs and then a soft knock at my door. "Birdie!" Taehyung calls from the hallway. "Are you in there? What's happening?" I ignore him, my guts twisting at the sound of his voice. I want to howl in agony, but he'll come in for sure if I do that. He knows the door code...

He tries again, louder. "Birdie, please answer me! What's wrong?"

Silence.

His voice goes very soft now, and I can hear his heart breaking behind the door. "Eunen Sae... Why are you doing this? What did I do?"

I hear a heavy sliding sound and a thud, and I know that he has slumped down against the outside of the door. 'Christ, this is so unsafe,' I think. 'What if someone saw him come up here? What if the tabloids show up?' My instinct is to pull him into the apartment, but I just can't face him right now.

I really need him to leave. Choking on my tears, I lift my head off the floor. "Taehyung," I call softly, "Go home. I can't talk to you right now. Give me some time."

His voice is tiny and heart-breaking as he answers, "Why? What did I do? Please tell me what I did."

"I think you probably know," I answer, my voice broken. "I can't talk to you right now. Please leave." I crawl into the bathroom and turn on the water in the tub, so that I can't hear him anymore.

For the next two days, I cry, sleep, drink water, and cry some more. My mom and my little sister both call, but I ignore the phone. Every so often the text notification pings, and I'm pretty sure it's Taehyung, but I don't check. Eventually my phone runs out of battery and goes silent.

By the third night, doubts have crept into my mind. 'What if I'm wrong? What if he just genuinely forgot to bring condoms, and isn't trying to manipulate me? Maybe I'm a crazy person with severe trust and commitment issues...' Suddenly I desperately need to talk to a friend, but I don't think I can do this over the phone. Colleen has moved back to the States, and we haven't really talked since. I want to talk to Kyunghee but she's on a trip to Australia right now. Plus, I've never really let her know the extent of what is going on between Taehyung and myself. My thoughts turn to Emily, and I plug in my phone with the idea that I might call her, but I really need a friend who is here... a friend who knows Taehyung. I push the phone's power button, wait for it to reboot itself, and call Jimin.

I have only texted Jimin a few times before - about song lyrics, when Taehyung was hurt, and when Tae danced in Indonesia - but he doesn't sound surprised by my call.

"Are you OK, Eunen Sae? I heard about what happened."

I sniffle, trying not to break down again, and reply shakily. "I'm OK. Is Tae OK?"

Jimin sighs. "He's very sad and very sorry, but I will let him tell you about that," he tells me, softly.

"Jimin, are you busy right now? I have been crying in my apartment for days now. Is there someplace we could go for a walk? I just really need some fresh air and some help sorting all of this out, and you know Taehyung better than anyone."

"I'm not busy, I was just watching Netflix. I'll come get you. Wear a mask and a hat, OK? What's your address?"

I take a world-record quick shower and throw on fresh sweatpants, sweatshirt, and tennis shoes. A mask and baseball cap complete the "I'm miserable and don't give a fuck what I look like" ensemble. Despite it all, I stuff a wad of tissues into the front pocket of my sweatshirt, not wanting Jimin to see me with tears and snot streaming all over my face or soaking into my mask. 'Huh, at least I have a tiny bit of dignity to preserve,' I think, and roll my eyes at myself.

I feed Luthien and then walk slowly down the stairs just as Jimin pulls up. He gets out of the car and comes around to give me a polite hug. I give him a real hug, because I'm American and also because I just really need some human contact. His presence is so comforting that I feel like I'm going to break down again already, and tears start to roll down my cheeks into the mask.

We get into the SUV, and Jimin says softly, "How about a walk along the Han River? It's a good place to think and talk."

"That sounds perfect, Jimin-shi. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you." My voice cracks and I have to delve into my pocket for a tissue.

Jimin turns on some quiet music, and I silently honor his thoughtfulness. I need time to collect my thoughts before we talk it over.

We arrive at the parking lot about half an hour later, and I'm feeling calmer already. The pedestrian path is still pretty busy, even though it's almost midnight, but the passersby are mostly masked couples who are deep in their own conversations or feelings. A light onshore breeze makes the river water slosh up against the rocks along the bank, creating a peaceful white noise. We walk along in companionable silence.

"So..." Jimin finally says as we pass under one of the bridges. "I've heard Tae-Tae's version, but can you tell me what happened?"

I give him my version of events, and I can see that his brown eyes look worried over his mask.

"Hmm... I have my own ideas," he says, "But why do you think he would do such a thing?"

I sigh heavily. "Well, he has been really pushing for us to get married and have kids and do the whole white picket fence thing. I mean, almost as soon as I met him, I think, he decided that he wanted that. And you know how he is when he wants something - he will basically do anything he can think of to get it."

Jimin eye-smiles and shakes his head. "Yes. That's our Tae-Tae," he says.

I glance over at him. "You know, I love him dearly, but I've just been feeling so pressured about this for the past year. And I am a little bit stubborn, too." I clear my throat to signal sarcasm, and Jimin laughs out loud.

"Heaven help us all, with you two!" he says, and for the first time in days I find myself chuckling.

"I love him so much, Jimin-shi, but the man wants, like, ten kids right now!" I clap my hands together several times for emphasis. "I feel like I could end up as a human puppy-mill, just churning out babies for my celebrity husband. That's not the life I want. I love my job, too, and I feel like he's trying to force me to choose him over myself, if that makes sense."

Jimin nods thoughtfully.

"That sounds selfish, but I just don't want to lose myself because Tae is larger than life but also so needy. I feel like that could happen."

Jimin clears his throat. "It's not selfish. I understand. Have the two of you ever had a talk like this?" he asks.

I sigh again. "No, never something quite this straight-forward. On the way to Gangwon-do, he asked me to meet his parents, and I... I told him I didn't know why he wanted to marry me instead of some gorgeous actress or idol..."

Jimin looks at me in surprise. "Eunen Sae-shi, do you believe that Taehyung-ie loves you?"

Tears are running across my mask and dripping onto my sweatshirt now. I exhale a long deep breath, and say, "As he once said, 'I know in my head, but my heart doesn't know.'" I stop in the middle of the path and turn to Jimin. "I guess I can't really believe that he loves me best out of all the people in the world. He has been telling me that for the past year, and I know that he means it, but even if it's true now, will it always be true? I mean, he could have almost anyone. Am I just handy? A person who conveniently showed up and was able and willing to be with him, despite you guys' crazy job? I have doubts like that."

Jimin nods. Even though we don't know each other well, I know that he has struggled with insecurity too, and I am surprised how comfortable it feels to confide mine to him.

We stop and walk over to a railing overlooking the river. The city lights shimmer and reflect off of the water, soothing my heart.

Jimin leans on the railing and says, "Taehyung-ie is difficult to know, sometimes. On the one hand, he wears his heart on his sleeve and is very open about his emotions. But on the other hand, he is a complex guy, with some past traumas, and he's a good actor..." I meet his eyes and nod. "I can't tell you what's in his heart, Eunen Sae. Only he knows that. But I've never seen him light up the way he does when he talks about you, or when you walk into a room, and all the members say the same thing. He has been so happy this past year, and completely wrapped up in you. We feel like we rarely see him outside of our schedules, but it's OK, because he has been so happy. I've certainly never seen him like this before. He has been more... at peace?"

I look down, my eyes filling with yet more tears, and suck my lips in.

Jimin glances at me and sighs. "I can also tell you that I haven't seen him so down, so devastated as he is right now, except maybe when his grandmother passed away." A sob escapes my throat. Jimin says very softly, "I think you both love each other very much."

I suck in a deep breath and release it shakily. Jimin awkwardly pats my shoulder.

"You know, I've been cheering for you this whole time," he says, eyes smiling at me. "I hope you can find a way to make it all work."

I smile through my tears and nod as we turn back toward the parking lot.

_______________________________

We get into the car, and I pull out my phone. Jimin raises his eyebrows at me.

"Yeah, let me see if he's awake and ready to talk," I say.

Taehyung, can we talk now? Are you awake?

OK

I will be there in 30-35 minutes

Jimin averts his eyes as I glance over, and I know that he was reading our exchange. I laugh a little. "You're kind of snoopy," I say, smiling at him.

"Sorry! I wanted to know where to take you next!"

I say, "I'm teasing. We both dragged you into our drama, so there's no privacy to invade here." I sigh and tuck the phone into my purse. "Jimin-ah, I really really appreciate you."

He says softly, "You already told me that."

"Yes, well, it's true. Thank you for being here for Taehyung and for me." He just nods.

It seems like only a moment passes before we are pulling up to the security gate outside Tae's place.

As I step out of the SUV, Jimin leans over to say, "Eunen Sae! Text me later and tell me how it goes! I want all the gossip!"

I choke out a laugh. "OK! I'll give you the highlights, anyway. Thanks again, and have a good night." I shoot him a finger-heart for good measure, and he laughs and returns the gesture.

When I turn back toward the building, I see that Taehyung is standing there, waiting stiffly beside the elevator. He frowns at the retreating SUV, and then his eyes scan what little he can see of my face. I motion toward the elevator, and he punches in the code.

Once the doors close, I take off the mask and baseball cap and stuff them into my purse.

"Jimin, hm?" he says and looks away.

"Yes." I'm tempted to leave it there, because I'm still mad at him, but I know I can't let him get jealous on top of everything else right now. "I called him so he could explain you to me." He looks at me searchingly.

"And?"

"And he doesn't know, either, but he thinks we really love each other." I bite my lips and start to cry for the umpteenth time this week.

He looks at me and sighs. "You were laughing with Jimin-ie," he points out.

Through my tears, I make full eye contact with him for the first time. "Yeah, he reminded me of my friend Amanda from Pohang. He was demanding to know what happens between us tonight. 'Give me all the gossip!' That made me laugh."

His shoulders sag and he drags a shaky hand over his face.

"How are you doing, Tae?" I ask softly. He shakes his head as we step into the condo, kicking off his slides. I follow him into the dining area, and sit down opposite him at the table. He stares at the tabletop for at least 30 seconds, and I just watch him, waiting.

Finally he lifts his eyes. "What did I do so wrong, Eunen Sae?" he asks softly.