Written by WolvesandMoons

OVERALL: 📗43/50 Immersion Success!! Woot!!

This, so far, is about a group of werewolves fighting some ruthless elves and then getting captured. If you love fantasy novels, then this is a great twist, as instead of it being from the perspctive of a human, it's from a werewolf. And the author does a great job to display the dark plot. What a great addition to the werewolf genre!!

Like most stories in their first draft, it does need some work, but it's mostly with technical errors versus plot and character. Which means the author has a great recipe for something with a lot of potential. I think the biggest improvement for this story would be working on grammar, sentence structures, and pacing. The first two chapters is one giant battle with no prologue or context, so it dragged out quite bit, and there was way more setting descriptions than character building (a setting doesn't mean as much without knowing the characters. Basically the opposite of white room syndrome). I think with some beta reading and editing, this has a lot of potential, plot wise!

Once I got to chapter 3, this story opened up so much and I found myself really enjoying my time while reading it. It was easy to feel like I was there with them. So great job!

BONUS POINTS: Cover, Title, and Synopsis. Here, you can get additional points for nailing one or all of these down. They are bonus points because it's small things like this that make a story linger, but are not essential for immersion.

Cover: +1

This is a really nice cover and I really love the aesthetics of it. It seems completely professional. The blue down the middle is great and contrasts well with everything else around it. The title fits the cover as well!

Summary: 0

I actually really like the first sentence. It's a lot about the world and also about the character. The rest of it just fell a little flat. It definitely doesn't get any points taken off, but it doesn't get bonus points either. The attempt at a dramatic summary just seems choppy. I think if you went ahead and just combined some of the sentences and had it read more like a paragraph it would be so much better!

Title: +1

It fits the cover very well and I really like it. It's an interesting name for a book and paired with that cover, I would definitely give it a look!

ONTO THE STORY!

Grammar and Sentence structure: -3

There were quite a few issues with sentence structures. In a story, if it happens once or twice, that's fine. But here it happened a lot. If a reader is consistently pulled out due to the same issues, it can really ruin immersion and remind the reader that they are indeed just reading text on paper, versus living in another world.

All of these below are ones that were really jarring to me. The others I was able to skim over, but these left an impression on me.

Example: "Now standing in the form of his wolf, white but undercoated with black, giving him the appearance of being constantly covered in freshly fallen snow." This is a sentence that is basically suggesting an action is going to happen,  but the sentence just ends. "Now standing" suggests that an action is going to come, but it leads nowhere. This seems nitpicky, but when you're trying to read a story and a sentence like this pops up, more than once, it makes me stop to reread the sentence, thus pulling me out of the story. A better way to phrase this is, "Now standing in the form of his wolf, he shakes his white fur undercoated with black. He always has the appearance of being freshly covered in snow."

Another: "Rocked back and forth his head lulled to one side than the other, the energy to hold it up properly all but gone from his body as he tried to regain straight thought following his unconcious." What a mouthfull! It really removes the impact of the sentence. It should read, "Rocking back and forth, his head continued to lull to one side as he struggled to summon the energy to hold it up."

Another: "Now able to actual see, though the sunlight was somewhat masked by the clouds overhead, and soon night would fall which would further make their lives more difficult." This is another example of starting with a statement that suggests an action, but the sentence is really just setting the scene, and thus the sentence just comes off as awkward. A better phrasing would be, "The scarce sunlight barely pentrated the clouds, but it was enough to give him a moment of vision. It was clear that the sun was setting, however, which meant that their lives would become more difficult."

Another: "Offered not as much as a sip of water or a crust of bread to sate their growing hunger." This is a leading sentence, and it usually gets paired with something else. There isn't really an obvious noun here. It's a simple fix, such as "They were not offered..." Also, in the following sentence to that, "...but ever out of reach..." should have a "...but it was ever out of reach..."

Another: "Otherwise, the only movement came from the elves. As they changed their gaurd regularly through the pitch black of night. Before one gaurd could grow too tired before they replaced with another." The first part should be combined, and a comma should replace the period. In my head, it comes off as if my reading voice is out of breath and has to take breaks. The second sentence used before twice as well, and instead should read as, "Before one gaurd could tire, they would replace him with another."

Another: "It seemed they could afford the electricity when it came to keeping them in a cell, but barely afford candles with which to ligh tit. Leaving the prison lit with a weary glow through..." That should be "It left the prison..." It sounds again like my mind ran out of breath mid sentence. 

I get that you are trying for a style here, but since that style constrasts directly with the rules of grammar, it comes off as unfinished and unprofessional. You can be edgy with style, but you still need to stick to basic principles.

All in all, there are a lot of sentences that need to be broken up/condensed/rearranged. I decided to take off points as a whole, rather than chapter by chapter (save for chapter 1), since it was a consistent error, but I could still read the story and move along. It's still an issue that came up too many times, however, and I felt like taking off points for it everytime I came across it wasn't fair, since the rest was great.

Chapter 1: -2

1 Point Taken For:  The first sentence. It didn't make any sense. First, we have ("Get down,") with no idea who or what shouted that and then it goes right to ("Get down," but the warning shout had gone up a split second too late.) I am pretty sure it's supposed to read like, ("Get down!"  The warning shout had gone up a split second too late.)

If you are not going to have a dialogue tag, then you need to end the statement with a "." Otherwise it reads as a major typo. That's generally a pretty rigid grammatical rule and can only be broken in something like poetry, where rules really don't apply. In fiction, there are just some rules you cannot break. It gave me a rough start to the story. I know I already took off points for sentence structure, but I took it off here once again because it was the first sentence to the story. If the first sentence is severely grammatically flawed, a reader will always rememer that, and that's not how you want to start your story. Some readers may even put it down immediately, which would be a shame with a story like this.

1 Point Taken For:  Although this scene was really nice, and I could definitely tell a heart-racing battle was commencing, I recommend starting elsewhere. Or cutting this at least in half. This is a first chapter, and it simply cannot afford to lose the reader's interest.  And we are in the middle of a severe battle, with a character I still don't care for yet (as in I just met him). That is ruining the immersion because I have to focus on two things are once - Toby, and the battle - which is really long.  This isn't a bad place to start, but I think starting with the warning cry coming too late, and then skip straight to Blousie. Everything inbetween is really just filler information. Filler, because we don't know the world yet, and world building smack dab in the middle of battle is simply not going to work (or requires immense effort). If Lord of the Rings had started with the battle for Gondor, it would still be interesting, but the reader wouldn't be as invested, wouldn't retain nearly half the world building, or be nearly as impressed. What makes battle scenes so amazing is that we 1) know the universe, so we already understand what is at stake 2) we are worried for the protagonist. Right now, we lack both 1 and 2. So if you are to start with a battle scene, it's best to keep it super short, and just enough to show what is at stake, and to set the stage of being abducted.

I'll be honest and say I didn't retain much of the fight, save for a few bits. It was just so much to take in and it was so long. I kept waiting for something integral to happen, for the fight to end, or for him to fall back. None of it came and I asked myself a few times "Did I miss a prologue or something?" Without context prior to the battlescene, it's hard for my brain to assign information to anything. I can assign it to Toby, but I don't know if he is a good or bad guy yet, etc.

THE POSITIVES: I really liked the line about him fearing to breathe in case he smelled breakfast. Since he is a werewolf, that seems incredibly pertinent! That shows you can show really well, and not just tell.

You are clearly able to write really well and know what you're doing with intense scenes. I think that alone is able to carry a reader through, as it is promising for learning about a fantastical world.

Chapter 2 : TOTAL -2

2 Points Taken For:  This battle scene is really drawn out and I was honestly surprised it was the entirety of the second chapter. I was not looking forward to more battle, or more paragraphs of him running around trying to survive. It's just falling very flat, as I just have no reason to care for any of them, other than they are in battle. He says the elves are bad, but I have no proof of that (we got that later when they kidnapped them. Warring doesn't count either, as I have no information for why there is a battle ). He mentions survival is the priority, but I just don't get a sense of that at all. I think it's mostly to do with the fact that I still have no idea what regimen he is in, why exactly there is such an intense battle taking place, why the elves would do this, what does his position mean, what is the objective, how can I tell if they are winning, etc. It'd be like being dropped into a football game with never having seen a game before, and you're standing in the middle of the field as they run around you. Yes, it is interesting, but it come off as more chaotic rather than engaging.

It's a shame to take off points for this, because I feel like if I had gotten more time to know these characters, or if this battle took place later, or if it was shorter, I'd be so much more invested and would actually be enjoying it. Like when he was saying goodbye to Sylvester. It meant very little to me. I just met him, and it was brief during a battle. During a battle, even if your own parent is fighting alongside you, emotions tend to be taken out. You are fighting to survive. It's a hard time to get attached to a character under such duress, especially when this is how we are meeting them.

At this point, I think I'd recommend combining the first and second chapter, then cutting it in half, and adding a new first chapter that is of them getting ready for the battle. Or something to set the scene. A battle prepartion scene is just as interesting as a battle. For reading, sometimes it's even more intense, since a facet of reading is to feel tension, and knowing soon that a battle is commencing would hook nearly anyone (unless they dont like fantasy or action...in which case, they're in the wrong place haha)

All in all, there is no need at all for two chapters of battle. You always have to ask - how is this chapter moving the plot forward? The battle itself does, because they have to get abducted. But why two full chapters worth of it? It doesn't drive the plot forward to focus that heavily on it. Instead, giving a chapter dedicated to world building (as in the lore, culture, etc) and character building would be great.

THE POSITIVES: You do seem really good at writing intense scenes. Again, it's a shame that you start in the middle of a major battle with characters I don't know because it removes the ability for me to feel connected. Battle scenes are not character building scenes, unless we already got to know the character. Otherwise, they are just messy, chaotic, etc. Imagine a war movie. The movie is never just about the battle. It starts off with the friends, or has flashbacks, etc. so when we see them in battle, our hearts go out to them.

But please do not include any flashbacks in the battle scenes. That really only works in movies. I have seen some people try it and it just doesn't work at all in narration. Unless the person has a head injury and is having a hallucination of sorts.

Your ability to build tension is really good, and I loved his interactions with his friends. Right now I crave more of that.

Also I just LOVE that this is a werewolf story with werewolves battling. I think you really got something in that regard. It's so much fun to see that!!! That's why I think there should still be a battle, as it's relevant, interesting, and has potential to be captivating. And your writing is strong enough to make it so!

Chapter 3: No points taken!

THE POSITIVES: I got really drawn in when he started talking about the elves not leaving people alive by accident. Because we are no longer in the heat of battle, the slowing down of the pace makes sense and I am much more receptive to world building. World building during a battle is a very non-recommended method. I like the line too about the fear bringing bile back up his throat. Such a great example of show not tell! Your sensory details were great too.

I also LOVED that he was cocky and thought the elves wouldn't lace the bullets with silver, only to find they did. That's awesome!!! That did wonders for world and character building. I also really liked that you didn't say right away that he was being held as a captive. That was a very smooth transition that I didn't struggle at all to understand. Nicely done. And then the line about Briggs being there, but he was supposed to be north.

I am getting much more invested into Toby now, and it reaffirms my own suggestion, that we need more character development at this point.

(I also love the name Blousie)

I also loved that we have a change of pace when the wagon is stopped. Although I didn't realize we were in a wagon until now. Either I missed that, or it should be clairfied at the top.

The descriptions really came out well in this chapter. I can still picture the wagon, their bodies covered in mud and blood, and the sun is starting to set. I also liked that the elves don't seem to be overly elegant, at least not in the manner of conversation.

I also LOVED that last line, in context to the sentence before about them arriving at that time. Fantastic one liner!!!

Chapter 4: No Points Taken!

THE POSITIVES: I am really enjoying the world building here, and how the elves are stopping for refueling.

I love the mentioning of his body aching relentlessly. You mentioned it in the previous chapter, and I appreciate that his wounds have carried over to this chapter. It really hits home what kind of battle he was in.

I also really like that he felt guilt for not saving more. That is great character development. I really loved the line, "Now wasn't the time to concentrate on what they had lost, but keeping what little was left."

I am honestly surprised that not a single werewolf isn't having an outburst, though. I think I'd like to see a werewolf have an outburst, knowing they'll get killed for it, and then to have an elf kill him. It would really reinforce the dire mood. It's more realistic too to have someone have an outburst, rather than every single one have the same exact reaction. (OR that further illustrates my point about missing world building information. Dont confuse setting up mystery with pure lack of relevant information. This is something that shouldn't be inferred or mysterious ((if werewolves behave like this around silver or something)). Its crucial to understanding things, as otherwise, it comes across as an error in writing)

"The plan had fallen to pieces all too quickly." I found myself reading the paragraph before and after twice to make sure  I didn't miss anything, haha. I got so excited! I was so desperate to learn about why they are warring. This reinforces my hypothesis that dedicating a lot more time to world building (again not setting, but history, culture, etc) would do WONDERS for the stakes, the drama, the tension, and for the failure.

I love the backstory here of Sylvester as well. It shows me you can do a great job at creating such information, and it only makes me want it more.

And then he mentioned escaping...is that what happened prior to the start of the story? Were they all captives?

I do think a lot of this chapter could be condensed. A lot of thoughts and observations were repeated, and I get it's for the sake of drama, but the scene is already dramatic. I would have liked to see more time of them talking, or of Toby reminiscing about  something that would help with worldbuild. It's already chapter 4 and I still have no idea what's really going on. I understand mystery is being built, but you dont need to cut that information out to make it mysterious. It's already interesting! I think learning to condense your writing, to allow for more narration would make this so much more immersive.

Maybe a better way to phrase what I am trying to say - the stakes in a story increase the more we get to know the characters. With little character and world building, with more focus on action scenes and setting the scene, the full effect of what is happening doesn't rise nearly as high as I think you want it to. That's why I'd love to see the two chapters of battle scene cut in at least half, so the rest can be used for other things.

Chapter 5: No Points Taken!

THE POSITIVES: I really like the reinforcement that he will heal better than non-shifters. I also really like the setting of them being in a prison. Althoug I am still scratching my head as to why they are throwing them in a prison cell (This should either be addressed soon, or prior to this) but I am hoping that I will find an answer on that shortly.

I also love that he looked for a weakness! What fun character development.

Another confusing moment - Why did Toby think he was going to die, when they say he is valuable? Is their blood valuable? I am not taking off points for this, because it could still be answered, but this is seeming like a major plot hole that could be answered with prior statements such as, "When kidnapped by elves, werewolves tend to die." That's what I assumed at first, but Toby seems to actually not know that for a fact anymore (even though he seemed 110% confident earlier) That's not something to be unreliable about, since right now, this is the only thing moving the story forward. (Again, I felt like I couldn't take off points because for all I know it's answered in chapter 6, but I still had to mention it just in case). He mentions he has theories, but we literally don't get anything more than that. I really recommend either including solid information in this chapter or in the next. We need context and information, not assumptions and inferences. Some things can be inferred, but to the extent it is here.

I like too that he focuses so heavily on stench all the time. It reinforces he is a werewolf and I love that!

Great information too on the dragon quartz! That's really interesting and lends to world building.

Also, what an interesting twist that he was taken to a mine...Although I do it find it odd that they just started to go to work, for no reason whatsoever. No fighting, not a single person refusing, or demanding food first. I am assuming this is based on information we don't have yet? More and more I am wishing we spent more time on world building.

I love that paragraph about the rumors!! It makes me wonder why they are making werewolves do this work? Again, expanding on this would hook readers and make this all feel more real to me.

I love that they are tring to hatch plans too!

Also the entrance of (what I assume is) his mate. That was awesome!!! I love that so much. Great way to end a chapter.

END OF THE CHAPTER ANALYSIS

Plot: -1

Point taken for: This was a hard one to give, since I love the plot overall. But the plot is from start to end, and the start was a jarring one. It took a while to really get a sense of what was at stake, who the friends were, and why this war was  happening (still surprisingly dont have that information yet). Alas, without some pause in the heat of battle, or a severe reduction in the fight scenes, it dragged out way too long.

Another reason for a removal of a point is because there were a lot of scenes that were really drawn out, overexplained and repeated. If you work to condense the story, and open up more space for the characters, then the plot would be a lot more solid. Otherwise, the plot gets lost in action and description.

The plot itself, however, I love so far. They are fighting the elves! And the elves are vicious things! I love that so much. What a fascinating tale to tell! And they are captured, and his mate came to save him. I mean it is a seriously great plot, and I definitely walk away with a sensation of being there with him.

Characters: -1

Now, this point is taken because sooo much time is spent on describing his surroundings or on action scenes. We have 5, long chapters here and yet I feel like I got only 1 chapter worth of character building. Because you spend so much time on writing descriptions, you steal that light from the characters. Also the fact that none of them fought the elves after being kidnapped and just went straight to laboring in a mine was confusing. More time needs to spent explaining these decisions. It's not that they have to react that way, but the reader does need more information on that.

But despite that, the characters were surprisingly well fleshed already and are very distinct. However, we are five long chapters in and I feel like I just scraped the surface of who they are, especially Toby. I would love to see more character scenes with him!! To have him reflect on his mate, his life, what he knows of the world, etc.

You have created some fun personalities to work with! And it's such an interesting world.

Setting:No Points Taken! I thought the setting was clear. I never had an issue through out the battles to picture a battle, or the castle, the mines, or the cells. You clearly enjoy setting the scene the most, it seems, and it definitely shows. I love walking away feeling like I have been somewhere, even though I was just reading.

My only recommendation is to again condense. There were times where the setting was too descriptive, and thus that can have the opposite effect of disorienting the reader.

OVERALL RECOMMENDATIONS:

1. Adjust the first two chapters. The battle is extensively long, and we could have spent that time doing other things, like exploring world building or character building.

2. Condense! I am sorry for being so repetitive (I guess that's ironic then?) but you are so good at setting scenes, that you don't need to spend as much time as you do doing it. Often times, I already got a great sense of where I was, but then paragraph kept going. I'd rather spend that extra time seeing what Toby thinks, for example. The small snippets into his mind I really loved and really wanted more of that.

3. Sentence structures! I'd suggest finding an editor on here to help with that. It's a simple, but necessary fix. It kills immersion to have a reader focus more as an editor versus bystander.

My Overall Takeaway:

First and foremost - I know I hit some things on the head more than a few times, over and over, but that's honestly because the plot is just so much fun, that I really want to help you refine what you have to give it more strength. I truly love this plot!! I love that the elves are selfish and cruel. It makes such a fun twist on them!!

For the start of the story, I highly, highly recommend changing it up. We really need more world building, outside of a battle. I know you wanted to start off with a bang, but trust me, your world is interesting enough already, that the midst of battle is not necessary to hook the reader. It would also give a chance to have more dialogue, as a lot was missing here. World building can often come from there too.

The only analogy I can really think of is: We are missing the calm before the storm, so when the first lightning strikes and all the friends look to one another, the reader gets a sense of foreboding danger and is already routing for Toby to succeed. Without the calm before the storm, it's just chaotic. Which is good writing! But not good for a beginning scene.

Outside of that, the writing was actually really good and the plot is fascinating!!! This is another story that will be one worth following once finished and polished off. I love that we are following a werewolf whose story is just about him and his pack, fighting off the damned elves! This author is fantastic at setting a scene, and at giving us a dark mood. That's one of my favorite things when reading - I want my emotions to be affected, for me to think about it when not reading, etc. That's a good sign that the reader was at least somewhat immersed, and for the most part, I was immersed in the plot of the story.

I like Toby, and I like that we already see him as a flawed character. I wish we got to see a little more of him prior to battle, or even afterward. I wanted to see him think back to his life, his pack, his home, etc. We spent so much time with him, and yet I know so little about him. I think your world is interesting enough that we don't need to spend so much time in action scenes, or on dreading the inevitable. Sometimes, what makes those scenes more impressive, is not to continue on with them, but to show what is at stake - his mate, why they were in the battle in the first place, does he have anything to live for, etc. That gives more weight to those scenes than any description can.

Overall, I can't wait to read more and find out what happens next!! I think this is a keeper for the werewolf genre for sure!!