For the past few weeks I have been fighting this urge to give up on life.

To end it all.

Last night I cried myself to sleep for the first time.

For years I had find a way to keep my feelings at bay and my depressing thoughts and suicidal thoughts to down low but lately it doesn't work as efficiently as it used to.

What is that system?

Total numbness. That was the system.

I wouldn't allow myself to feel ANYTHING about ANYTHING! There would be occasions that I should feel excitement aka graduating High School, getting into college, receiving my English, Lower, Nationwide Lower and Proficiency Certifications that I studied for since I was 12 years old, going on my first date, going on my first trip abroad alone, living on my own, studying something I'm interested in, my family is alright and healthy, my relationship with them is alright and so on.

Yet I don't allow myself to feel anything.

I have this little voice in my head that every time I try to be happy it says;

"Don't smile, they are pretending."

"They don't mean it."

"They are lying."

"They don't like you, they use you."

"They pity you."

"Don't have crush on him or her because you're ugly and they see it."

"You are not better."

"Remember what mum used to call you; "you're an emotionless bitch!" , "A nothing, you are nothing!" that is all you are don't try to fool yourself that you are the opposite of these things, you know better!"

"You're weak!"

"You're ugly!"

"You're fat."

"You're weak."

"You don't deserve to be loved."

"No one cares for you or love you."

"Lose hope."

"Die."

"You don't have friends all these people only call you because they just want someone to talk to they don't care about you."

"You are alone."

"No one will ever love you why you still exist. What good will come out of it?"

"You're just an preacher that people keep around for your advice, they don't care if you're okay or dying."

And knowing that these sentences were true and alarming I decided to take action, I talk to my aunt and dad. I confessed to my dad that I have depression, he didn't know.

I told him that at 15 I tried to committee suicide.

He said I should go see a psychologist but with what money?

I don't have money.

They can't afford to help me.

I owe them.

So, I did nothing.

Until I found a group on Facebook for people with depression and I finally allowed myself to hope a little.

They accepted me...or so I thought.

Until a major change occurred in my life my old best friend contact me asking to meet and I got a little....no a lot...excited and afraid I wanted help to dissect every bit of our interaction on direct messages and an opinion/advice if I should meet her or not.

So I tried to ask for help from them but as I typed the post with the complicated history of our friendship I felt that I don't deserve the help so as I hit the post button I was certain no one will care.

And I was right.

My post got deleted because of trigger fucking warnings.

I get and respect the trigger warnings policies but come on now!

As the leaders of this community told me to put trigger warnings and censor my posts I finally give in to the voice in my head that told me that no one of them or the people in that community really cared about me and my problem.

So I decided to withdrawal my post and try to deal with it as always, by myself.

I failed because I typed a post about the same problem a few weeks later and I did got help.

I thought that moment that I might be on to something! I might be able to find some trustworthy support group so I started participating more and more to that community. Supporting the rest and giving feedback.

But as I decided to share more of my struggles with them, which were two more posts, their attention was nowhere to be found. I only got one opinion and that was it.

So the voice was right.

No one cares.

Today, a girl that I thought she was my friend asked me about how I was and when I bluntly told her that I cried myself to sleep she just sent me a "Ttyl (Talk to you later) Vic", yes I get that she might be busy but...when something bad happened to her I tried my best to be there for her.

I do it for all the people I considered my friends.

But lately I see that the voice is proving itself right...no one cares, no one truly cares about me.

Or my mental well being.

Everything is superficial.

So no one will care If I die.

If I disappear.

My parents say that all of it is in my head and that I'm making it all up...or give too much emphasis on it...

Even my own parents they don't call me when I don't call them myself to check in with them. I wonder what happens if I don't call them for days, will they care?

Probably not.

I don't allow myself to cry now.

I don't allow myself to ever cry about anything. Bottle it all up.

I keep on thinking and saying to myself hold on for the future. It will be better. It must be.

I keep on telling people the same thing too because I don't want to be the reason, to be my advice, that will drive them to suicide.

I don't want their suicide to be on me because I didn't think of something meaningful to say to them.

I keep on thinking that in the future there is a special someone that will love me, a job I would love, friends that truly care for me, a best friend that I can truly trust, that I would be able to have a family, a good family.

That I would be a perfect mum, a trust worthy mum.

That I won't repeat the same mistakes mine did.

I keep on hoping for the future...

But lately...

I

Grew

Tired

Of

Holding

On

A

Fake

Hope.

I am tired.

I want it to stop.

Everything.