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Alec Pov
I hate everything.
Literally everything.

I hate today's date for Christ's sake. January ninth.

Fuck you January ninth.
Today just sucks.
I mean everyday sucks but this one in particular, sucks.

I have therapy, and a doctors appointment and get this, my mum died on January ninth three years ago.

How fun is that?

I sat on my bed staring at the ceiling. George came into my room and leaned on the wall.

"How you feeling son?" He asked.
"I'm fine." I replied, taking the easy route.

"It's time to go," He told me.

"...where? The doctors office, or therapy?" I asked.

"Doctors office." He replied.
I nodded.

I got off my bed and went to the car with George. He drove me to the doctors office.

I stared out the window, my shoulders tense, clutching the chair.

"You got John to sign your cast." George stated.

"Mhm." I hummed.
"So.." He trailed off.

Wow.
Even George doesn't know how to talk to me.

I'm not his son and I never will be.
It's just a title isn't it?
Son?

You have to feel an emotional mutual connection with your dad to be their son.

But don't ask me.
I haven't been one for a long fucking time.

Three years ago is when that title was thrown out.

"Whatcha thinking about?" He asked. "S-stuff." I said.

Oh look.
The stutter is back.
How nice.

I saw him give me a worried glance but I brushed it off.

"What kind of stuff?" He asked, stopping at a red light.

Fuck you, kind of stuff.
I didn't say anything.

"Alec?"

"My mum. I was thinking about my mum." I said.

It wasn't a complete lie.
"Your real mom?" He asked.

"Mhm."

He didn't say anything after that. I stared out the window and closed my eyes.

Mum, no matter how tall I grew
I was always looking up to you.
You showed me I was just,
'A diamond in the rough'
You helped me grow into the person I've become.

We've been down.
We've been up.
I hope I've made you proud enough.

You made it look easy.
I'm not sure how.

I opened my eyes and sighed.
God I miss her.
I wouldn't have to be so fucked up if she was still here.

I could've helped her.
I could've done something.
I could've convinced dad to stay so that when mum got sick he could help too.

She could've done so much more.
I could've done so much more.
There's never enough time.
She ran out.

Her hourglass flipped and ran out too soon.

Mama are you proud of me?
Probably not.

I'm trying though.
Even when it doesn't seem like it, I am.

I haven't seen John in a while.
Five days almost.

"Son?" George asked.

Uh...
fuck
you.

I realized we had arrived and breathed, "Oh."

I hopped out of the car and shove d my hands in my pockets. I walked alongside George, my head low, eyes drilled on my shoes.

We walked into the doctors office and sat down. It was like a waiting room or something.

I sat in what look like a really comfy chair but it was a fucking lie.
The chair was an evil uncomfortable chair.

George rubbed my arm and whispered, "How are you feeling?"
Shitty.

"F-fine." I said.

Fucking stutter.
My hands were sweaty and my eyes darted to everyone in the room.

There was two young kids with their mum, some dude with some girl and an old lady.

I bet they're judging me.
I got extremely nervous so in attempt to not make any eye contact, I stared at the floor and tried not to move.

"Alexander Hamilton?" A woman said, coming into the waiting room.

George got up and so did I.

Fuck.
People are looking at me.
Jesus kill me now.

I followed her to a room and she told me to sit down on the bed thingy.

George sat on a chair near the end of the bed.

I don't want to be here.
I just want to go.
I don't know where, just anywhere else but here.
Fucking off the face of the Earth would even be okay.

I wanted to cry, but she'd judge me.
I wanted to scream but George would be upset.

So I stayed frozen.
I clutched my knee, balling up my jeans until my knuckles turned white.

"Alec? How are you feeling?" The nurse asked sitting down in a chair.

"I-I...Erm...Fine." I choked.
She raised a brow.

"Anxious maybe? Have you felt exhausted or tired after doing nothing lately?" She asked.

Lately?
Try always.

"Y-Yeah. I guess you could say it like that.." I muttered.

She nodded and wrote some shit down. She probably thinks I'm insane.
She wouldn't be completely wrong.

She said something to George but I wasn't listening. I was to zoned out to care.

She left and I knew a doctor was going to come and give me some pills and tell me to take them everyday and shit.
Then he'd tell George to make sure I was taking them.

Surprise
surprise,
that's what fucking happened.

George and I left the doctors office and went back in the car.
Guess what's next?

Therapy!
Yayyy.
Kill me.