Alec Pov
I fidgeted with my hands.
It was always a nervous habit of mine.

I was at therapy, and talking to people really brings out my anxiety.
Especially when I have to talk about myself.

"I-I don't know. Sometimes it was my fault though. Like this one time, I went into my foster dads office to get a pencil to do my homework and he got angry. It was my fault. I-I should've just waited. Or went to the store to get a pencil. Or sharpened one of my broken ones. The sharpener was in his office though so..I guess I should've just waited." I told my therapist, Katherine.

"Alec, that wasn't your fault.
He shouldn't have done that to you and you need to understand that no abuse that was inflicted was your fault.
You're a good kid Alec."
She said.

It doesn't seem like it sometimes.

I looked down at my lap and wiped my hands on my pants.

"Peter said that the abuse made me a man." I said quietly.
" He told me it made me who I am."

"What? Abuse doesn't shape you. It doesn't make you who you are. You survived, because you needed to. You had no other choice, survive or die. You saved yourself, you pushed through for yourself. You are you because of you. Abuse messed you up." She said.

"What?" I asked, looking up.

I know it messed me up but do you have to rub it in my face?
I do that enough myself!

"Yeah it messed you up. But guess who glued those broken pieces back together. Guess who." She said.

I didn't say anything.

"You did. And you should be extremely proud of yourself for that."

I bit my lip and smiled softly.
"T-that's actually really nice." I said.

"You're welcome. You deserve it."
She said.

I smiled again.

"So, How was your day?" She asked. "Fine. How wars yours?" I replied, almost on instinct.

"Alec, let's try to break the habit of saying it was fine, or I'm fine. Try again. How was your day?" She asked.

"N-not so great. But I got to be with John so that made it better. He's really nice." I said.

"What was not good about your day?" She asked.

I didn't say anything for a moment.
She might tell George and Martha and they might get mad at me and I don't want them to get mad because then they mi-

"You don't have to talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable." She said reassuringly.

I wiped my sweaty hands on my pants. I think my anxiety is getting worse.
I think.
I don't know.

I'm not really right that much.
I shouldn't be allowed to think.
Maybe that would help.

No everything's totally..okay." I said.

Everything is just okay.
I just need to be hit by a car.
And die.
Quickly.

My anxiety almost instantly started to fight with my depression.

"Can you try to describe how your feeling?" She asked.

"I-I don't know how.." I said.

"Wait. Do you have paper and pens?" I asked.

"Yes..?" She replied.

"I'll be able to describe it like that." I said.

She handed me some paper and a pen. I took the pen and scribbled all over the paper.

Soon the whole paper was filled with meaningless scribbles.

"That's how I feel. All the time." I said, handing her the paper.

She doesn't understand.
She won't understand.

She nodded.

"Y-you get it?" I asked.

"Yes. What goes on inside your mind is so..." She trailed off and held up the picture. "..that you can't even describe it. It's just scribbles. But it's scary." She said.

"Exactly like that." I muttered.
She sighed happily.
Why is she happy?

"Alright. Let's play a game." She said.

She sat down on the couch with me. Katherine pulled out a board with different colors on it.

She took out two pawns that were from a different game and put them at start.

"Okay. So how you play is, you took the dice, and when you land on a color, like red you describe a time you were angry. And blue, a time you were sad.
Sounds simple enough?" She asked.

"Mhm." I hummed.
I let her go first.

"I landed on purple, so that means I'll describe a time I was happy. A time I was happy was when I got married to my husband Jack." She said.

I rolled the dice and landed on red. "Tell me a time you were mad."
She said.

"A time I was made was...W-when Peter said I couldn't be a Newsie anymore."

"You were a Newsie? My husband was too! How nice!" Katherine exclaimed.
I smiled.

I could definitely get used to this.