"Why am I always portrayed as the bad guy, you know, I mean why can't I just show up and have everyone be like yes Zayn, good to see you how've you been? Or maybe even a aye, Daddy's finally here, there goes my panties."

I ignored Zayn's rant, continuing to quickly sign the papers with such determination I thought the tip of my pen would catch fire just by how fast I was scrawling down my name.

"Zayn let's cut to the chase, I want a divorce." Zayn mimicked my voice in a high pitched tone making me look up from my papers to raise a brow at him.

"Look, I'm not difficult, hand them over I'll sign." He said when he finally saw that my attention was now on him, snapping his fingers before gesturing me to hand the papers over to him from across the kitchen island.

"If." Zayn withdrew his hands back with a smirk when I tried to give him the papers, causing me to furrow my brows in annoyance as I narrowed my eyes at him.

"I'll sign those pesky papers if you play a little game with me." He offered, lowering his voice before I dropped my hand that was holding the papers with a groan, bringing my head up and tilting it to the ceiling before rolling my eyes in frustration.

"Woah, no need to get all possessed on me short cake, it'll be an easy game, look." Zayn drawled, taking a sugar cube from a small jar on the kitchen counter before retrieving three plastic cups and placing them rim down onto the island.

"Dude, come on." I groaned, rubbing my face before giving him a look.

"See this," Zayn smiled, holding out the sugar cube in between his pointer finger and thumb, putting it in front of my face before he leaned forward and pressed the small square against my closed lips.

I gave him a blank expression as he rubbed and poked at my lips with the cube, trying to make me lick it before I began to growl at him in irritation.

"Fine, not enough sugar in the world will cure your bitterness anyways," He huffed in a playful tone, making me snort and roll my eyes as he withdrew the cube from my lips and placed it underneath one of the three cups on the counter.

"All you gotta do short cake is find the cup with the sugar cube under it, think you can handle it?" Zayn challenged, raising his brows with a teasing smile as I rested my chin in my hand and nodded with a bored expression.

Zayn cracked his knuckles, the new tattoo on his hand catching my attention before he started to slide and mix the three cups on the counter in a almost slow snail like pace making me snap my eyes up at him in disbelief.

"You're slow as fuck, you literally just moved the cup with the sugar cube to the left." I said, pointing at the last cup as a subtle smirk played on Zayn's lips.

"Is that your final answer?"

"Okay stop, you ain't slick and I win so sign the damn-" I began, grabbing the cup and lifting it with wide eyes when I realized there was nothing underneath.

"I'm so confused..." I muttered under my breath before discarding the cup and lifting the other two to find nothing underneath them as well.

"Nice watch." Zayn suddenly complimented as my eyes frantically scanned the counter in awe looking for the disappearing sugar cube.

"Thanks, I got it at Macy's." I mumbled, my hand going to my wrist only for my fingers to come in contact with my skin as I snapped my head down to my hand.

"What in the hell...." I exclaimed under my breath in disbelief before I looked up to find Zayn dangling the gold accessory in his hand with a lazy smile as he admired the jewelry.

"Nice taste," He smirked, giving me a wink before tossing me my watch back as I gawked at him in amazement.

"Holy shit that was so cool! I didn't even see that!" I said in excitement, feeling more exhilerated than he was as I put the accessory back onto my wrist.

"Ha, you should see what I can do with panties." Zayn smirked, bringing a cup of coffee to his lips with a smirk as I shook my head and slowly clapped.

"Yo man... can I have the sugar cube still..." I nudged Zayn, making him let out a snort before he reached out with his free hand, his fingers brushing against my left ear before he pulled his arm back with the sugar cube between his fingers and held it out for me.

"Yes fuck it up Houdini." I said, taking the square before nibbling on it as I slid the papers over to him.

"If I sign the papers do we have to bring up lawyers into this... I just... I hate people, and socializing..." Zayn pouted wth a sigh, twirling the pen around his fingers as he read the divorce papers.

"I don't know... maybe, I just want everything done and put behind in the past, no strings attached." I admitted without a thought as my mind began to drift towards Harry making me smile to myself.

"Okay, go ahead and twist the knife why don't you," Zayn scoffed, making a show of licking the pad of his thumb before sassily flipping through the papers.

"Just lettin you know I'm taking full custody of our kids, Zimmerman, Zander, and Zenon." He stated as he began to sign.

I gave him a look.

"We don't have kids."

"Details, details."

I silently watched Zayn continue to sign the papers with a relieved smile on my face before I started to wonder if vanilla boy was up yet.

"I am going to fucking rip his balls off!" A muffled female voice suddenly screamed from inside a closet in Zayn's hallway, her Australian accent thick causing both Zayn and I to look up at the sound.

"Zayn... what was that..." I began before he muttered an "ah shit" under his breath.

"You better say R-I-P to your fucking balls Zayn!" The female voice cursed again before there was a loud bang against the door as if someone was trying to bust out making me jump back in surprise while Zayn just sipped at his coffee, his eyes trained on the door with a look of amusement and interest on his face.

"R!"

Bang!

"I"

Bang!

"You can just twist the door handle if you want it to open! No need to abuse my door!" Zayn suddenly yelled with a smile for the woman in the closet to hear him.

"Fucking P bitch!"

And with that the door gave way, the hinges splintering and breaking before the door fell to the floor with a loud slam as a plump woman fumbled out into the hallway, loose ropes falling from her wrists.

I was too shocked and confused to even say anything as I stared at the lady, her shoulders heaving up and down as she breathed heavily and glared at the floor.

"Or you can ram the door down, that works too.." Zayn casually taunted from the kitchen, drinking his coffee as she looked up at him with wide angered eyes while Zayn gave her a thumbs up.

"I'm using your fucking bathroom and I'm going to use your good towels, the ones that make my ass feel like newly polished marble." She hissed, bringing up both of her pudgy hands to flip him off before backing into the bathroom, not tearing her gaze away from Zayn making him smirk as my eyes traveled to her stomach until she closed the door of the bathroom.

She was pregnant.

"Do not tell me you actually fucking tied a pregnant woman and kept her in your closet." I stated, leaning my weight on one foot before crossing my arms over my chest as I turned to glare at Zayn who avoided my gaze, whistling a bit before hiding his face as he took another sip of his drink.

"Fine, then I won't tell you." He shrugged.

"Dude what the fuck!" I exploded, slapping his arm in outrage.

Zayn had a history of petty crimes in the past ever since I first met him but they were mostly just stealing and pick pocketing but nothing like this.

"You can't just keep someone hostage are you crazy, what the hell's gotten into you!" I exclaimed, backing away with a caution before I yanked the papers out of his hands ready to bolt out of the door.

"Oh great, now you're scared, okay listen, short cake, if I wanted the two of you dead you and the crazy pregnant woman would already be on the floor in your own pool of blood." Zayn casually said making my jaw go slack as my eyes widened in pure fear and shock.

"I just realized that might not have been the best thing to say at the moment." He blinked, setting his cup down as he neared me.

I grabbed the nearest knife on the kitchen counter and brought it out in front of me as protection.

"I will shank you." I threatened, narrowing my eyes at Zayn who only smiled in return although this time, his smirk was anything but friendly.

"I'd like to see you try."

The sound of a toilet being flushed made me jump before the pregnant woman exited out of the bathroom, waddling across the hallway and into the kitchen wih a long trail of toilet paper attached to the bottom of her foot.

Her greenish brown eyes flickered between Zayn and I before she sent him a deadpanned look.

"What did you do now." She sighed in irritation, directing her accusation towards Zayn who gave her a look of exasperation.

"Me? Do you not see that she's the one with the knife." Zayn sputtered, gesturing towards me as I gripped onto the weapon.

"Me and her are going to walk out of here right now and you are not going to do anything." I snarled at Zayn, still holding out the knife as I continued to back away trying to reach for the pregnant woman's hand.

"You are so lucky I owe you Nat or I swear..." Zayn began, looking irritated as he narrowed his eyes and shook his head at me.

"Wait, I'm confused, where are we going now?" The pregnant woman asked, looking between Zayn and I again before she tilted her head to the side and gave me a confused look.

"He kept you hostage, we're going to leave." I stated the obvious, furrowing my brows at her when she and Zayn exchanged looks before they both burst out laughing.

"It's okay hun, he always does that. It doesn't even work for long, I know a girl scout across the street who ties better knots then him." She laughed, making me lower my weapon in confusion as Zayn chuckled.

"Fine, I'll just get thicker rope then." Zayn said with a shrug, a challenging look in his darkened hazel eyes as he looked at the pregnant woman.

"Or you can get bigger balls and fight me like a real man." She snapped, raising her arms in the air in a taunting manner as Zayn's body tensed in anger.

"Um...." I awkwardly trailed out as I watched the two from the side.

"Don't fucking test me Ray." Zayn grit out, his voice a low growl as he straightened his posture while the two continued to glare at eachother.

"Okay the woman with the knife is very confused right now!" I announced, waving my knife around catching the pair's attention.

"Right, yeah, Nat, this is baby mama." Zayn introduced, bringing his hand out and gesturing between the two of us.

"Baby mama, Nat." He finished as the pregnant woman glared at him.

"I told you not to call me that." She snapped in irritation.

"And I told you I don't care Sweet cheeks."

"Wait so, you and Zayn are having a baby?" I blinked in surprise, a smile forming over my face at the thought of Zayn trying to cradle a newborn in his arms.

"Oh hell no!" They both exclaimed, disgust clear in their voices and on their faces as they both shuddered at the thought.

"My pull out game's too strong. Besides, I'd never put my sperm through... that." Zayn scoffed before giving the pregnant woman a head-to-toe look.

"Yeah, just no. I mean if I was carrying his child then that would mean we would have had to, you know," She began, making a circle with one of her hands before sticking a finger into it as she looked at me with wide eyes.

"Yeah god no, that would, I wouldn't want that." She laughed out, snorting a bit before she added a gagging sound at the end of her sentence for emphasis.

It became awkwardly quiet in the room and by that time I had put the knife back down onto the counter.

"What the hell was that?" Zayn suddenly asked, breaking the silence as he looked at the woman with furrowed brows.

"What?"

"The gagging. I mean, I'm just saying, why you gotta make it sound like death would be a better option than having me buried inside you." Zayn brought up sounding genuinely offended as he eyed her.

"You said your sperm would go through torture if it had to go through me! Besides, your sperm would be lucky to fertilize my fucking chanel gucci egg-"

"Okay! Really all I want is Zayn to sign the last of the papers and I'm leaving." I spoke up, handing the papers back fo Zayn.

"I'm Ray," The woman finally introduced as she looked down at the paper in Zayn's hand.

"Ah, so your his wife, poor thing, I would've taken that knife out long ago if I had to be married to this bastard." She laughed making Zayn look up from the papers to glare at her.

"Only legally, we haven't seen eachother in years and we don't even like eachother more than friends." I explained as Zayn nodded in agreement while Ray gave the two of us a look.

"Am I missing something here?" She asked, scratching her head as Zayn handed the papers back to me when he finished signing.

"Okay well the only reason Nat and I married was-"

My phone suddenly rang in my pocket, the screen lighting up with the contact name Vanilla Boy making me smile.

"Uh, be right back I have to take this." I said as Zayn nodded and continued to explain why me and him were married in the first place to Ray.

"'Ello." I said, leaving the kitchen and walking into Zayn's living room.

"Hey Nat, remember when we fucked hard and fast last night." Harry's raspy voice said through the phone making me widen my eyes at his words.

"No..." I trailed off.

I definitely would have remembered that.

"Me either, so why the hell aren't you in my arms right now." He said, his voice still husky and deep from waking up as I laughed.

"Smooth man... Sorry, I got called up for uh, a meeting with my publisher, I left a note for you on the fridge." I lied, rubbing the back of my neck awkwardly as I took a peek into the kitchen to find Zayn and Ray trying to strangle eachother.

"I saw, it's fine. I have to get up anyways, my dad's being a pain in my ass and the one time he actually asks for my help it's for paperwork." Harry yawned over the phone.

"Hey, I'm proud of you for helping your dad out, I know how much you two don't really get along but it's nice you're still a good son." I told him, a genuine smile forming over my face as I heard him let out a breathy chuckle.

"Yeah well, family is still family I guess... hey, when did you take my care bear boxers?" Harry suddenly asked, amusement clear in his voice making my jaw drop as I smiled.

"When I found your Obama shrine." I admitted with a smirk as he let out a groan.

"I told you it's not mind, I was holding it for a friend." He retorted in a defensive tone.

"Whatever you say big guy."

A loud clash sounded from the kitchen, catching my attention before I heard Zayn and Ray cursing and yelling at one another.

"Uh, I have to go but I'll see you later today okay?" I said through the phone as I hurried out of the living room and into the hallway.

"Yeah, good luck at your meeting, I hope you know I'm going through your all your underwears and bra's right now.... Really digging the lace thongs by the way." Harry chuckled from the other side making me stop in my tracks.

"Vanilla boy say what now-"

"Bye!" Harry said and with that the call ended, leaving a loud beep to sound from my phone before I shook my head, laughing while I turned it off.

I walked into the kitchen to find the divorce papers either scattered and ripped all over the floor or drenched in Zayn's spilled coffee as the two literally began to throw plates at one another.

"What the fuck is going on!" I yelled, going in between the two of them as they tried to reach out and claw at eachother.

"Zayn the fucking papers!" I exclaimed, shoving at him as he trained his glare behind me towards Ray.

"He tried to strangle me the little bitch." Ray growled, pointing an accusing finger at him as Zayn sent her a malicious smile.

"I was just trying give you a hug sweet cheeks, around your little fucking neck-"

"Dude the papers, seriously!" I snapped, picking up the scattered pieces with distress.

"Look, I met someone Zayn okay, and all I want is to be there for him. I really like this guy and he's my best friend and you fucking owe me this so please." I practically begged, feeling frustrated as Zayn and Ray stopped their yelling to look at me.

"You met someone?" Zayn asked, making me nod with a small smile.

"Look, I'm sorry Nat, about the papers and just everything... I actually know two lawyers who always help me with any of my legal cases and they actually specialize in divorces. We can head to their firm right now if you want and we can get new divorce papers for the two of you." Ray offered, placing her hand over my shoulder from behind with a sympathetic smile.

"A firm? Which one?" I questioned, knowing that Lisa worked as a secretary for one of the local firms in town.

"Bentley firm." She explained making the wheels in my head turn.

This was perfect, I'd get my divorce and I could also check up on Lisa to make sure if she was okay.

Sure it may not be the best idea due to the circumstances but Lisa was still my friend and she wasn't answering any of my texts and calls.

I just wanted to make sure she was okay.

Killing two birds with one stone.

"Alright, well what are waiting for," Zayn smirked, rubbing his hands together as we all left the kitchen and headed to the living room while he looked for his jacket and keys.

"Crazy pregnant lady ain't comin with us right," Zayn lowered his head, whispering in my ear loud enough for Ray to hear as their gazes locked.

"I'm coming." Ray stated, raising her chin as she narrowed her eyes at Zayn.

"Wow, and all I did was breathe, your body is so responsive baby-" Zayn began, placing a hand over his chest before Ray went over and kneed him in the balls, causing him to choke on the rest of his words as he fell to his knees in pain.

"Fucking pregnant bitch." He wheezed on the floor as Ray and I walked out of his flat.

++

"It's easy, I keep the anal beads and she can keep her dildos." Zayn shrugged with a smile, spinning around in the office chair as Ray and I sent him a glare.

"I swear if you say that when the lawyers come here I'll castrate you." I promised as Zayn gave me wide eyes, feigning a look of fear before he propped his feet on the long wooden table and began to whistle, a toothpick in between his lips.

"Get your nasty feet off the table bitch." Ray seethed from besides him.

"Fine, hold still so I can place my feet on your big baby bump instead-"

"I have to use the bathroom before I throw you out the fucking window." Ray announced, standing to her feet as she wobbled to the door.

"This is like your fifth time peeing." Zayn scoffed, obviously trying to get a rise out of her as he played with a stapler he got from the table.

"It's called being pregnant ass-"

I straightened in my seat when a tall woman and a short man entered the room, the dark chocolate skinned woman holding manila files and folders in her arms as the blue eyed man readjustted his tie with ease, a charming smile on his face as they both greeted Ray.

"Nat, Zayn, I'd like you to meet your lawyers who will help you file your divorce, Jovie and Louis Tomlinson."

AN: Just in case you didn't know Jovie and Louis are characters in my other fanfiction You Again and I might even make a spin off fanfiction with Zayn and Ray after I'm finished with Cliché.