It is not heart broken if you are here for drama please politely walk out of this chapter. It is not about right or wrong either is about one's mind and soul waiting patiently to be told what's up.

I have stare aimlessly to a any object even my phone or a table wondering in my head. In it I encourage myself to do something, "Hey! We need to shower".

"Hey, we gotta wash those clothes for tomorrow".

"Hey! Guess what you are due for date lines".

All are heard and my mind and soul understand; however, I had wait until the last minute to do anything at all.

I don't think is procrastination anymore. I don't believe is me being stubborn is like my commands are heard, but I don't believe or move an inch to do so. At some point along the line when I give up telling myself to do something my heart becomes heavier than usual.

I have tried listen to music, play or even spend time with my loves ones; however, it doesn't leave.

I have tried everything I can think or imagine. I have gotten creative even as far as wearing clothes I have usually never wore. A long dress from my brothers wedding only bringing me down because that's the dress a wore before my brother's death.

That's a topic I don't touch either, my brother, Jesus is his name. I can't say was. I can't do that yet, and that breaks me even now. How... I am getting off track and the heart is only crushing much more than before. My brother has leave a cut so deep beyond my comprehension. I can't think anything else when he comes into my mind. What am I supposed to do now huh?

Coming back to crush heart.

The more I try to be my own doctor; the worst it gets.

I have a doctor I talk too even to him I don't tell him everything if I do I am aware I will put in a center for the crazy. A center a 0lace for the crazy is my worst fear. I am aware I am crazy. I am aware I may or may not be psychotic. I have all the signs, but I don't want to admit it. I don't want to believe it.

I have prefer to push everyone away from me. Tell me would you want to be around somebody that doesn't know when to stop? I think sometimes what's the worst that can happen?

The worst is me not able to know myself truly. I want to do all this things, but I stop myself cuddle in a ball in my room swinging back and forth telling myself I can do it.

I know I can do it.

I just can't right now, okay?
I am slow. I can't keep up with schedules or deadlines.

I want to live, but I want to see my brother again.

I miss him. I miss him so much.