Chapter 40: Starting Over

The lines of the blank yellow pad were mesmerizing. The spaces in between them were empty. Filling them in would require motive– a general purpose. Yet, I left them as they were to match the nothingness inside of my mind.

It was Thursday morning, and I sat in the boardroom. It felt surreal. My head was at the bottom of a fishbowl as two voices filled the distorted air.

Carefully, I put my pen down and hid my shaking hands under the table. It was hard to lift my eyes from the finished surface. If I did, I knew I wouldn't be able to breathe.

Baddone sat to my immediate left, continuing to challenge Lebleu's update about Reagan Digital. She couldn't grasp the concept as to why the current methods of production needed to change and aggressively pondered how time consuming it would be to fully integrate the purchased company.

When will this end?

No one else spoke, as Lebleu's naturally mellow tone rose with aggravation as though her continuous rebuttals were transgressions.

Though, the greatest offense was sitting across from me at the table. I could feel the burning stare ever since I entered the room. But I wouldn't return it. I couldn't grant him that privilege.

Even after six days of inner monologues and missing puzzle pieces, my anger felt as fresh as the moment I saw Baddone touch him with a glimmering left hand.

God... make it stop hurting. Please.

As the meeting concluded, I shadowed Chris out of the room. He had to ask me twice if I was feeling better from what he still thought was food poisoning. The second time I heard him and nodded my head.

"But you don't look well," he noted sympathetically.

He found out why I couldn't bring myself to smile when I asked to have a quick meeting with him in his office. I had to tell him the truth.

After several long breaths in the bathroom, I returned to my cube and meditated my way into calmness. The reaction from Chris was rough to bear, but that was the risk I took after keeping a secret for so long; his silent disappointment killed me as I thought it would.

I didn't know how I was going to do any work when my mind refused to focus. It was nearly impossible, when I knew falling back into routine would make everything hurt. I also knew the consequences of letting my phone lie face up beside my keyboard. Forcing it to be silent was the best way to save my sanity from another vibration, but around 2:30PM, I stared at the sixth text from Ezra asking me to see him upstairs.

She's there. How can you ask me when she is up there in that office where she belongs, beside you?

But the problem was that I still wanted to see him. I needed to.

Ezra paced in front of his office in hallway of the thirty-third floor. The moment I escaped the elevator, he rushed down the hall and to me.

"Ada, I'm glad you decided to visit," he huffed with panic.

Finally, I gave him my full attention. Though, when I did, it tore at on the inside.

I clutched onto the folders in my hands, "May we speak about this in your office?"

"Of course," he nodded, observing the stack of papers.

He promptly gestured for me to go ahead of him, and I didn't waste another second. Keeping my eyes ahead, I ignored the fluorescent lighting that emitted through the slender window of the office to the right.

When Ezra closed the door behind us, I told myself to breathe as I sat down in front of his desk.

He was quick on his feet and carried himself to my chair. He immediately fell to one knee and began, "Ada, please I need you to give me a chance to–"

"Please... get off of the floor," I softly requested.

Don't you dare get on your knee beside me.

He paused, but I was obeyed. I surveyed the discomfort on his face, and he took his seat in his fancy chair.

Ezra took in a long breath before he began in a frenzy, "I know that there is a lot to say and– "

This time he was interrupted by the stack that ventured from my lap onto his desk. I opened the first manilla folder and slid two envelopes on top of the stack in front of him.

Ezra's concerned demeanor transformed into a gravely color. "Ada... what is this?"

"My letter of resignation," I answered. "Effective immediately."

"Ada!"

My eyes dropped. "And your keys are in the other."

He threw the envelopes and pleaded, "No! Please, don't go!"

I had to turn away. My hands had returned to my lap to squeeze each other tightly. Ezra zoomed around his desk, but I quickly removed myself from the chair. My hand was on my chest. My breaths were strained, and I wasn't able to mask how hard it was to breathe.

Ezra exclaimed with alarm, "You've been avoiding me ever since that fucking dreadful night! I looked for you! Even now, I don't know where you're staying because you're not at your apartment! Please, let me explain, Ada!"

With complacency I shook my head, but that sharp feeling scattered along my face. My vision turned into a blur. I could never forget how Ezra called and called. When I never answered his calls, he sent more texts. He even resorted to email after email that I left unread. There was genuine surprise on his face to know that I had returned to work that following Monday. I hadn't allowed him to find me since that night, and I continued to hide until this day.

"We made it so far, you can't shut me out like this," he pleaded, his hands clasped together in front of him.

With malice, I finally gave him the pleasure of knowing what was on my mind. "You accomplished plenty. I... accomplished nothing."

"Don't say that!" he yelled.

I aimed my finger at him, "Don't you dare tell me what the fuck to do!"

Still easily blinded by proximity, Ezra tried to touch my hand. I snatched myself away and covered my head with my hands, trying to fight the clamoring inside my head. It was pointless.

Fuck!

I cracked and sobbed, "I can't stay here."

"Yes you can, Ada! I don't want you to leave!" he argued.

"I can't do it," I whimpered, shaking my head. "I cannot be at this place anymore."

He tightened his face through the horror. "Ada, I refuse to believe that you've secured something worthy for yourself outside of here within four days."

"I can't fucking stay here!" I shouted again. "I won't!"

Ezra's eyes pleaded with all of their might when he panicked, "Yes you can, I swear to God, I... if not seeing my face will bring you to stay, I will do it. And... and if you won't stay, I will work from home until you find somewhere else to go."

His attempt at negotiation angered me more. "How could you think that I won't think of you whenever I step inside of this building? It's been about nothing but you since day one! Fuck!"

Ezra's teary eyes peered directly into mine, "Please, Ada. Let me explain Genevieve."

"No!" I shrilled. "I don't want to know anything about what's going on. I just want to be far away from all of this! Don't give me shit to think about, don't give me anymore to weigh on my mind when it comes to you. We're done! There is no more of this. Us? It's no more!"

Ezra's face lost color again. He sounded dizzy when he grumbled, "Ada–"

"I said we are done, Ezra. I want to be completely washed of you. I don't want to remember this place, I don't want to remember this goddamned job, and I don't want to remember a man that could embarrass me so badly," I exposed.

Ezra was on his knees again. I never wanted to see him cry, but I refused to tear my eyes from his damp face, "Please, Ada don't leave. I can't imagine a second without you."

"You say you will do whatever I want, so you will. Imagine. Imagine me gone, Ezra, because I won't stick around to be your bitch." My lips quivered at the painful truth.

He captured my hands and barked, "Never say that!"

"How could you ever look me in the eye and try to build me up? Calling me smart and all of that other bullshit? You lied to me all this time, and she was just over there, in that office! I'm the biggest idiot for letting go of the idea that this wasn't just a challenge. It was so easy for a privileged man like you to take whatever you want, when you want it."

He shook his head and mewled, "I can't be privileged if I have nothing."

I scoffed with a smile, "Nothing? Now, that's not true because you'll be just fine when I'm gone. Even I can acknowledge that I have something, but I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't have a heart, because if I didn't... I wouldn't have given it to you."

Ezra was woozy from my words.

More rivers trailed down my face, when I muttered, "If I didn't have a goddamned thing in my chest, I wouldn't be able to still look into your eyes and..."

Everything remained in blurred vision when I eyes drifted up to the ceiling. I had to catch my breath before I could l look back to him and confess, "... admit that I still love you."

My energy had drained so much, I allowed him to take my hands into his. Ezra's colorful eyes were wild and he whispered in devastation. "How could life be so cruel? My beautiful dove says she loves me for the first time... as she leaves me in pieces."

Slowly, I stripped my hands from his grasp and held the stare of a broken man.

Staggered breaths slithered from his throat and he confessed, "Ada Young, you are not the only one that wants to rid themselves of this pain."

I spat, "You don't need to worry about disposing of something that is already in the hands of someone else."

"Ne me quitte pas, Ada (Don't leave me, Ada)," he slurred and pleaded, as he violently pulled at his hair.

The doorknob was in my grip, and our last moment together was to end in mere seconds. I couldn't take anymore of the suffering.

We ended as soon as we began, but unlike Ezra, I had time to come to terms with it. I knew that his resistance would be something that I would face; however, the sound of his tears tore me apart, no matter how hard I tried to ignore the scream on the other side of door I closed.

"Ne me quitte pas!"

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A/N:

We've reached the end of the story!

Actually, I just lied; we've only reached the end of Clear, not the end of their story. The sequels "Fade" (complete) and "Rise" (new) are available!

Thank you all so much for reading and making it to the end of this book. It's been quite an adventure writing it, and I can't wait to bring you more chapters.

Be sure to follow me on Twitter for more updates and nonsense @MayenWrites

-Love,

Mayen