My Dad's worried expression was getting me tensed. I was too weak to deal with his hatred, should I tell him what happened. My mind was getting blurred and so was my vision. 

Dad took my hand in his hands and held it as if it would break. "Ashley, please, just tell me what happened. Please." His voice was a whisper. Had the tears not formed in my eyes, I would have been able to see that his eyes were in the similar state.

I could never think straight with a blurry mind. My walls didn't even put up a fight to keep me guarded. If Dad asked me the same question once again, hell even if he said a word, I might blurt out everything.

"Ashley, please."

I told him everything in a whisper and in hitched tones. My explanation was brief but he read between the lines. 

I didn't speak much, though. I couldn't. It was as if my entire being just wanted to be closed off from the rest of the world. Every word that I told him, I could fell it on my body again. By the end of our conversation, I had my head buried in between my knees and my hands were covering my ears. I was crying uncontrollably. Dad couldn't understand that him asking me about what happened was hurting me. He couldn't understand my mental state because he wasn't going through it.

Dad was unnaturally still. I was in my own trauma to notice what he was feeling. After a thousand moments of silence, Dad scooted closer and hugged me. He rested his head on mine and rubbed his hand on my back. It was all new to him, of course. So it was understandable that he was shocked when I winced at his touch.

For the first time in that hour, I looked him in his eyes. They were holding a varying proportions of grief, confusion, heart break and all grey emotions but most of all his eyes were holding an insurmountable amount of anger. I knew it that the rage was for me. He didn't want me there. wasn't it obvious? I was a big disappointment. No one would ever want me. Why should they?!

"I'm so sorry, Dad," I started rambling with the company of my tears, "I'm - I understand you don't want me here. I'll - I'll go, I promise. But please, just let me live here for one day. I'll leave tomorrow when I know that Cole or Doug or mother would be scavenging for me in the streets-"

"Ashley-"

"-I'll go to the orphanage and I promise you would never have to see me again-"

"Ashley-"

"- If they don't take me in, I promise, I'll just run away."

"ASHLEY!" He roared. 

I shrunk in my seat covering my cheeks, afraid that he might slap me. My bloodshot eyes were wide open with fear. I was shivering in my seat. Could the world make it more obvious that it didn't want me?

For some reason, my extremely fragile state enraged Dad further more. "I'm going to kill them!" He said through gritted teeth whilst toppling the coffee table. I winced.

"I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. Please don't-"

"Get in the car, Ashley." He commanded. He couldn't understand how much I didn't want to see their faces.

"Dad, please, I-"

"GET IN THE CAR, ASHLEY!" He screamed while grabbing my arm and pushing me towards the garage.

***

The entire journey, I tried to convince Dad that I didn't want to go there but he wouldn't hear a word. He was bent onto getting vengeance for me. Something that I so didn't want in that moment. He was so furious that he rash drove to my mother's house.

When we reached there, my breathing became more and more hitched. It felt as if the air around me sucked out. I could hear loud loud voices that covering my ears wouldn't stop from entering. My mind was blocked. It was as if a nightmare was being played on repeat in my head. My hands and legs had long back stopped moving on my command. It was as if I was stable yet collapsed. Contained yet chaotic. Alive yet dead. 

Dad got out of the car while I held onto the dashboard to maintain my balance. The world was spinning and I seemed to be the only thing that was stationary.

Dad opened up my door and commanded me to get out of the car. I had understood and acknowledged the fact that he was not going to stop now so I showed no restraint. I let him do what he wanted to do. I had completely given up on any sorts of hope.

Dad dragged me through the gruff pathway while having a rough grip on my hand. I didn't even bothered by him screaming my mother's name, daring her to come out. My mind was already playing vicious games with me. I could no longer see or feel what was around me.

My hallucinations had conquered every bit of my sanity.

All of a sudden, I was in my mother's bedroom. Striped out of my clothes, I was shivering with fear. Cole and Doug were there too, laughing at my state, making fun of vulnerable body. I kept begging them to let me go but they only inched further.

Their laughs echoed in the claustrophobic room. I covered my ears and shut my eyes repeating to myself that it was only but a nightmare, I was gonna get out soon.

I opened my eyes and they were centimeters apart from my face. I screamed but that only made them laugh harder. I screamed louder on top on my lungs, "Please, go away. Please, leave me." But they wouldn't budge.

Instead, they started removing their clothes, readying themselves to rape me. I tried to move, but it seemed as if I was frozen there. I knew the pain. I knew that I couldn't get out of that room. Even if there was an escape route, my mind seemed pretty convinced that I was trapped in that horrendous place.

They began their forceful intercourse with me, only this time it felt longer and more hurtful. I kept screaming till my throat was parched but they didn't stop. I tried to push them away, but they pinned my hands. I closed my eyes so that at least I wouldn't be able to see what they do to me.

Why couldn't they just end me? Was there any good reason for me to live? Why was I still alive? WHY?

They kept tearing me into pieces till I was made clear that I was a piece of shit. I could feel the pain on my body and maybe it was ten time more stronger. Or more.

Just as suddenly the hallucination started, it disappeared. Instantaneously, I found myself in Dad's car with my head on his lap. He was rubbing my hand and begging me to talk to him. When I opened my eyes, he let out a sigh of relief but I my anxiety had peaked.

"Ashley, why were you screaming?" He asked but I didn't listen. I was too busy investigating my surroundings. When I realized we were in the same neighborhood, I pushed myself to the far end of the seat, away from him. It was difficult to trust anyone at all.

"Why are we still here Dad? Why didn't we leave? Why-" It was all too much for my head to take and so, I blacked out.

***

I don't know what was the time when I woke up. It seemed like noon but time calculations weren't precise during winter. The first thing I noticed was that I was laying on the most comfortable bed with a fuzzy duvet on me.

I looked around. I was in a well furnished room with lilac colored walls and mostly empty spaces. It was as if the room was being redecorated or something. The air around me was fresh. I was warm and cozy. And then I realized, this wasn't my room.

I shot up from the bed and started calling out Dad for help. 

"I'm right here." He called out and I looked sideways to locate him. He was sitting on a chair and probably dozed off on the same.

"Dad where are we? This is not my room? We-"

"We are at my home, calm down." He softly whispered. He slowly took my hand in his. I flinched but relaxed. He kissed my knuckles and placed them on his temple, as if he was worshiping it. He stayed like that until my hand, ever so slightly, started feeling wet. 

"Dad, are you okay?" 

He didn't move, just stayed like that. I slid closer to him and placed a hand on his back.

He released that position and looked me in the eye, all the while holding my hand. 

"Ashley, honey, I'm so sorry. I just got a bit out of control of my anger. I just really wanted to- I'm sorry, I just- I should've understood you before dragging you there. I'm- I'm so sorry."

"Honest to God, I thought that you were going to send me back to that house. I-"

"Why would I do that?" He yelled, straightening his spine. He took a second and composed himself again. "I'm so sorry, I 'm just- " He paused. He gently rubbed his thumb over the back of my hand in comforting circles. I didn't hinder him till I knew he was done. "Ashley, you are my daughter. I don't think you have understood what that means to me. You are my pride, my happiness, my joy, my everything. I don't say any of this to you to burden you, darling, it's just what I feel about you. I- For me, you are the only person that matters, sweetheart. There is no reason for me to live a happy life if I don't have my daughter.

"Once, when you were four, I took you to a zoo. Just the two of us. Somewhere something happened and I lost you. I probably yelled on each and every staff of the zoo and myself went on a scavenger hunt to find you. You, being the smart girl that you are, stayed near the gorilla cage which we last saw. I remember that dread. I promised myself that I wouldn't ever separate myself from you.

"And then you grew up a bit and somethings happened and I moved out of the house. The thing is Ashley, that I really don't know how to react when you get lost or you're going through pain, or in general, something bad is happening to you. I really don't know. I could be an adult and yet I am very uneducated about that topic. I just- I just feeling like beating the living shit out of anyone and anything that makes you cry."

He took a deep breath to control his voice that was changing its pitches. "I- I am really sorry Ashley. I really didn't know how to react. I'm so sorry."

I hugged him because that was the only thing I could manage to do in that moment. I was tongue-tied.

"I love you with all of my heart, my being. I am never going to... throw you away or whatever it is that you think that I could have done."

I nodded and wiped my moist eyes. 

"Go to sleep. You deserve some rest."

I obliged and laid down. "You don't have to stay here. You deserve some rest too."

"I should, but I wanna stay here. Trust me, I am way more rested here than I could eve be anywhere else." He got up from his chair and sat on the bed beside me while resting his back on the cushioned head board.

He slowly started rubbing his hand on my head in comforting strokes. I smiled a bit and closed my eyes.

A/N: If anyone of you are wondering if Ash has PTSD then the answer is yes. I was researching about the said syndrome which got me a bit delayed in posting this chapter. Anyways, I hope you liked it (cause there's nothing to enjoy).

Love,

Icey