GISELLE

Giselle went to her chambers, not willing to talk to anyone, not even Rosa, even though she repeatedly tried. The only one Giselle let in was her servant Jorge, who brought some fruit and water. He looked much younger than her, but he's served her mother before so Giselle knew he must have been older. Giselle stared at his olive skin and dark hair while he peeled an orange in front of her. Jorge was... different. People thought he was mad, or an idiot, because he spoke nonsense most of the time. He referred to things by certain names he's made up and sentences he said usually meant nothing. Giselle, on the other hand, knew he was neither mad nor an idiot. Giselle understood him most of the time.

"The One That Is Alike is troubled." He said, he had a heavy accent, Giselle couldn't really place it but she assumed he came somewhere from North Africa.

"Well, Amalia wants to see me burn for witchcraft, I am sure I will eventually give her enough proof." Giselle was quiet and frankly, tired. Of her own existence.

"The Girl must be stupid, then, to think The Same One can burn." Jorge said and Giselle stared at him, not really understanding. A devious smile was planted on his lips and Giselle thought he looked like he knew something nobody else did. He called Giselle The Same One, or The One That Is Alike, and sometimes the names of different flowers, mostly Rose. Giselle never knew why.

"Can you let me know if someone needs me?" Giselle asked him and Jorge nodded, leaving her alone in the room.

Mostly, Giselle wanted to be alone. She didn't have a lot of people near her, only Rosa and Adam, and Jorge if one can count him in. Ever since she's been a little girl, she's realised people don't really like her, especially girls her own age. Giselle never was good at anything they were learning, such as knitting, or sowing, or playing any instrument at all. Her father, Adalhard, knew it, and he usually let her run outside and play with boys when she was little. He even played with her when he was healthy. Later, he claimed Giselle had to learn how to be a woman, because it was time for her to do her womanly duties. The truth is, Giselle thought her father needed her, because she reminded him of Giselle's mother. They had no one, Giselle and her father. He had lost his only son to war, his second daughter to marriage and his wife to madness.

Giselle sometimes thought that to be the biggest mistake he's ever made, raising her by himself. He often said Giselle had her mother's character, but he was the one to handle her complete upbringing. As a Lord, residing in Carcassonne, he mostly didn't care about opinions around him, he was strong-willed and clever, but warm, loving and kind. Giselle was his weak spot, as well. Rosa used to say he raised Giselle as a boy, as a son he missed so much, and spoiled her as you should spoil your wife.

All Giselle's mother left for her was a bunch of pagan books, ones Giselle knew by heart, with mysterious creatures and beings and gods. Giselle learned a great deal out of them, for example, how a god is only a god if you've been raised to believe he was. Some other culture believes in their god just as strongly. Those books and a few wise sentences that Giselle hasn't forgotten are all her mother's left her. Everything else, Giselle had learned from her father. He taught her how to read, how to shoot a moving target, and how to use a knife – not to cut carrots but a throat. He said Giselle wasn't strong enough for a sword, which she didn't appreciate, but she knew he was right. She was weaker than almost all the boys, but her father used to say she had the surviving instinct of a rabid dog. If someone wanted to spar, she would fight, and bite, and claw her way to victory.

Some time later, Giselle's father got sick, he couldn't leave his bed anymore and everything stopped. Giselle couldn't shoot targets anymore or practice, because no one would allow.

Jorge entered Giselle's chambers, his face a twist of discontent. She immediately knew what he came for, it was that time of the month.

"The one that carries poison is here." He said. Giselle took a deep breath, preparing to walk out of the door.

"Tell Rosa to come here before the ball."

Giselle stopped a couple of times on her way to Jorge's room, this day was taking its toll on her. Jesus Christ, Giselle thought, she was nineteen years old and she could barely walk. She felt nauseous and thirsty, feeling her weak teeth hanging by a thread. Somehow, Giselle managed to reach her servant's room.

Denise was a daughter of a village blacksmith, they were very poor because he wasn't very good at what he was doing. But she had a talent for herbs and she knew a lot about healing. She needed the money so she was willing to get things the Church forbids, for a right price. Giselle and Denise were always meeting in Jorge's room, because it was on the far end of the castle, away from the towers. Denise got in through the window. She was a working woman, her hands and her face gave that away. Her dark hair was tied tight in a bun. Her sharp face was a bitter grimace and her lips shut tight.

Denise was always angry at Giselle. And the reason Denise was always angry was quite simple, for the past two years Giselle has been buying preparations against pregnancy from her. Giselle has been drinking liquid silver for the past two years so she wouldn't get pregnant. And it was slowly killing her.

"Listen, girl, I got you some herbs to help with the toothache and something for the stomach..." She looked at Giselle mid-sentence. "For the love of God, you lost weight. Girl, you are disappearing, I cannot be responsible for this. Look at you. You are falling apart. Joseph and Mary, you used to be such a beauty, look at you now. I can see only your bones, are you eating anything? Should I get you something to gain a bit on those limbs? You don't even look like a woman anymore."

"I'm going to need something else, Denise."

Denise looked at Giselle again, her mouth hanging open.

"I will not have your death on my soul." She said, her voice clear.

"I need to heal myself, I need you to get it out of my body. I'll stop using it."

Denise started walking around the small storage room that was Jorge's bedroom. It was full of mops and equipment for cleaning. It was the best Giselle could find him, considering castle folk wanted to throw him out on the street when her mother died.

"You could drink milk with egg white and I can try to find something, but it's been two years, Giselle. It's a fucking miracle you haven't dropped dead yet." Those words hit Giselle like stones. Giselle was aware of her situation, she felt it. Her body ached, she felt her body devour itself from the inside and Giselle was slowly losing her mind. But somehow, she actually hoped it wasn't that serious, since she had survived for two years.

"You think I'm going to die." Giselle stated, suddenly feeling very small. She sat on Jorge's bed and Denise kneeled before her. She was at least ten years older than Giselle and the lines on her face felt safe, full of knowledge and compassion.

"You should've just had that man's child." Denise murmured and Giselle sighed. Giselle knew Denise felt that way and Giselle understood her. The truth was, Giselle understood everyone, the only one she didn't fully get was herself.

"I couldn't bring a child into this world." Giselle said sheepishly, her voice colourless. Denise got up very quickly, her face free from sympathy.

"Don't you dare say you did this because of your selflessness. Don't you dare look at me and lie to my face. Don't you even try to make it seem like you're a saint. Because you and I both know you're a selfish, spoiled girl not aware of what real life is like. And the moment you didn't get what you want, and that was a handsome, young prince, you threw a tantrum. And now, this tantrum is going to get you killed and it'll be nobody's fault but yours. And when you die, you won't be a martyr sentenced to a life of suffering, but an irresponsible brat who thought her existence was enough to get her whatever the fuck she wanted."

Giselle kept quiet, because there was nothing she could say to this woman that she would understand. Because this darkness couldn't be explained. This feeling of death being the only exit and the need to keep it open. Giselle always felt sort of out of place, like this life wasn't really meant for her.

But right now, Giselle needed mercury out of her body. Because right now, there was a stranger in Carcassonne and he seemed interested in Giselle much more than someone should be interested in a married woman. A stranger coming to Carcassonne, interested in Giselle... that hasn't happened for a while, not since Antonio.

"Please, Denise, there must be something." Giselle put her hands together in front of her. Denise stared at Giselle for a while like she was weighing something. They haven't exactly been friends, but Denise has known more about Giselle than even Rosa did. Also, they were bound by a secret. Giselle would burn if someone found out that she has been avoiding pregnancy and Denise would burn if someone found out she was selling it. Preventing someone from having a child isn't exactly God's work.

When Denise finally spoke, a strange feeling of premonition took over Giselle.

"There is something you could do. I cannot help you with it, but there are others. Women who tap into powers that aren't from God Himself." She was quiet, a different sort of quiet. Her voice was less than a whisper, it was a breath of cold air leaving her body, fearing that the birds might hear it. It was dangerous to say these words.

But fear was something Giselle could feel and that made it very, very consuming.

"You're suggesting I find a sorceress."

"I'm not suggesting anything, I am simply saying it is possibly your only option." Denise was scared, her face was twisted and her breaths were short and fast.

"Don't worry, no one will find out. You are safe, safer than me, anyway." Giselle said, smiling emptily. She grabbed her woollen bag and took the gold out. Giselle gave Denise all the gold coins she had on her and Denise stared at Giselle in disbelief.

"Information costs more than herbs. And an idea is priceless. And you, my friend, just gave me an idea." Giselle told her and simply handed the gold over to her. It was more than Giselle has ever given Denise, possibly more than anyone's ever given her. But Giselle knew Denise had a little boy named Hugo and this gold would help them stay alive.

"You know, Giselle, I do like you. You are not like all other women that live around here. But it is a dangerous time to be different. I know you are chasing something, but I think you should consider how good you have it here. Wherever you go, it can only get worse for you."

She took the gold.

"I'll put in a word for you with Rosa, perhaps her father can hire you."