(The NARRATOR is onstage.)

NARRATOR: Book 1: Panting. Long ago in Paris...

(RANDOM DUDE #3 enters.)

RANDOM DUDE #3: Waaaaaaaiiiiiiit!

NARRATOR: What?

RANDOM DUDE #3: This is a Victor Hugo novel!

NARRATOR: And...?

RANDOM DUDE #3: His books are ridiculously long! Like tiny print and 1400 pages long!

NARRATOR: And...????

RANDOM DUDE #3 - So we will never finish it!

NARRATOR: Not if you keep interrupting! Now go! Go! I'm trying to tell a story, and we definitely won't finish it if you keep bugging me.

RANDOM DUDE #3 - Oh. Yeah.

NARRATOR: Yeah. Now get off the stage!

RANDOM DUDE #3 - Ok. Ok.

(RANDOM DUDE #3 exits.)

NARRATOR: Now, long ago in Paris, there was a-

RANDOM DUDE #3: Can I have your spoon collection if you die before this thing ends?

NARRATOR: GET OUT!

RANDOM DUDE #3: Ok. Ok. I'll take that as a yes.

(RANDOM DUDE #3 exits.)

NARRATOR: I'm not that old? Am I??? Ok. (Coughs.) So, a long time ago in Paris, there was a poor man, and his name was Jean Valjean.

(JEAN enters.)

NARRATOR: And his sister and her children were totally poor and destitute. He was an honest, hard worker, but no one would hire him in the hard times. So, Jean Valjean stole a piece of bread.

(POLICE OFFICER enters and handcuffs him.)

POLICE OFFICER: You're under arrest for theft!

JEAN: But my family is starving! That justifies it!

POLICE OFFICER: Technically it doesn't. You'll have to be punished by the law.

JEAN: So, now what? I pay a small fine? A year of jail time? Community service?

POLICE OFFICER: Nineteen years of hard labor in prison.

JEAN: WHAT????

POLICE OFFICER: Come along now. It's time to start this epicly long novel with an epicly long prison sentence.

NARRATOR: And Jean Valjean did exactly what he was condemned to, where he grew more hateful and haggard by the day. Until after nineteen years, he was finally released. He never heard from or saw his family again.

(Several police officers enter.)

POLICE: (Unchains him.) You are now free. Now go live a decent life. If you get caught for anything ever again - life in prison.

(He and all police officers exit.)

JEAN: Well, considering all I been through and that I never shall be respectable or see my family again, and if I blow this one chance I will never again see the light of day, I should act very carefully.

(PRIEST enters)

PRIEST: Would you like to stay in my house tonight, poor soul.

JEAN: Sure.

PRIEST: Let me set up for some supper. (Takes out silver candlestick.)

JEAN: Oooooohhhhhh, shiny.

(He steals the candlestick and bolts offstage.)

PRIEST: Darn, fifth time this week.

JEAN: (Reenters.) I'm sorry! I shouldn't have done that! I don't know what came over me.

(Police officers enter.)

POLICE OFFICER #1: What's going on over here? Is that man robbing you?

JEAN: I-

PRIEST: No! Not at all. On the contrary, I'm giving this to him as a gift. Here my boy.

(He pats his hand.)

PRIEST: (Whispers.) Start a new life, my boy. A better one than this.

JEAN: I'm gonna cry.

PRIEST: Please don't. It'll spoil the silver... and save your tears for the more emotional acts.

JEAN: (Sniffs.) Ok.

(He exits.)

PRIEST: Well boys, want some pie?

(PRIEST and Police officers exist while talking about the joys of Pi.)

NARRATOR: So, as Jean went to start a new life. He dyed his hair, got some nice clothes, and now he's spanking rich. And he's now named Monsieur Madeline.

JEAN: (Sticks head out.) Heyyyy. Madeline is a girl's name now.

NARRATOR: What? It is? Alright.... Um.... Monsieur Ashley.

JEAN: That too...

NARRATOR: Um, Monsieur Carol? Kimberly? Doris? Evelyn?

JEAN: ... Stick with Monsieur Madeline. Maybe it'll be French enough that no one will notice.

(FANTINE enters.)

NARRATOR: But as his life was being reborn, another's was being destroyed.

FANTINE: (Sniffs.) Oh, my life is so awful. Some man lied that he would marry me, so I did things I probably shouldn't have with him, and so I had a kid. Then I gave her away to a couple that will no doubt take great care of her... At least life can't get any worse.

RANDOM MAN #2: You're fired.

FANTINE: Now I have to sell my hair and teeth and even myself to feed my sick kid. At least it can't get any worse.

RANDOM MAN #76: (Throwing snow at her.) Die in a ditch!

FANTINE: I can't handle this anymore!

(She attacks RANDOM MAN #76.)

(JAVERT enters.)

JAVERT: Stop! Stop right there!

FANTINE: He started it!

JAVERT: What are you talking about?

FANTINE: He threw snow at me first! It was self defense.

JAVERT: What are you talking about? Do you even know why I'm arresting you?

FANTINE: For attacking this man?

JAVERT: What? No. Why would I care about that?

FANTINE: Aren't you the police.

JAVERT: I am. The fashion police.

FANTINE: The fashion police?

JAVERT: Nothing is uglier than a bald woman missing her front teeth.

FANTINE: Well, that's just rude.

JAVERT: Save it for the judge!

(JEAN, I mean MONSIEUR MADELINE enters.)

M. MADELINE: What's all this, Monsieur Javert?

JAVERT: It's a 444.

M. MADELINE: Oh, Javert, are you still pretending you're a part of the fashion police? Go home.

JAVERT: Oh, alright. But you haven't seen the last of me!

(JAVERT exits.)

FANTINE: Oh, thank you, sir.

M. MADELINE: It's all right now, Mademoiselle. What happened?

FANTINE: (Sniffs.) Oh I just kept thinking that no matter what happened it wouldn't get any worse... and it did anyway.

M. MADELINE: That's sometimes how life is. It's better to think it can't get any better than this. Then it tends to get better.

FANTINE: Thank you. It really wouldn't be so bad if my dumbo head of a boss hadn't fired me.

M. MADELINE: Really? Who was this?

FANTINE: Oh, I can't remember. Some man with a girl name. Monsieur Martha?

M. MADELINE: (Visibly saddened.) I think I know who you're talking about. Well, my dear, why don't we get you to a hospital, and you can tell me everything I need to know.

FANTINE: Thank you.

(They exit. Brief silence.)

NARRATOR: Ha, ha. You thought maybe it would get better now. Well, sweetheart, you're dead WRONG. This story ain't getting better for a couple hundred pages. So, Monsieur Madeline found out all the sad, gory details of Fantine's life and made her a promise on her death bed.

M. MADELINE: Mademoiselle, I promise I will find your daughter and bring her back. I shall take care of the two of you as payment for what has happened.

(M. MADELINE enters.)

M. MADELINE: Well, time to find the little one.

(JAVERT enters.)

M. MADELINE: Well, you seem cheerful today, Javert.

JAVERT: Yep, if I capture just one offender, I'll be allowed to join the fashion police! And I found him.

M. MADELINE: And who would that be?

JAVERT: Some dude named Champmatheiu was accused of wearing socks and sandles. They think he is the infamous Jean Val Jean. People have been searching for this guy for years. A few years ago he had been wearing old, smelly clothes filled with holes. Made the ladies faint.

M. MADELINE: W-w-well, maybe he had a good reason. Like just getting out of prison for the first time in nearly twenty years.

JAVERT: Doesn't matter. Anyway, I'm going to arrest this puppy.

(He exits. Silence.)

M. MADELINE: I hate my life sometimes. I really should be upfront and keep this guy from being arrested. But I don't wanna! I like eating fresh food and bathing, and if I get caught it's prison for life. All for a stupid law!

(He paces.)

M. MADELINE: I can't let an innocent old man get arrested though. It would be wrong. But that promise I made!

NARRATOR: Fifty-three pages later.

M. MADELINE: I don't know what to do. Fine! I'll go! I'll keep my promise still, somehow.

(He exits.)

NARRATOR: So Monsieur Madeline confessed before the court that he was truly Jean Val Jean and was sentenced to life in prison making designer t shirts and watching Vogue tutorials. Before he got halfway through the third tutorial though, Jean took his sewing machine, broke out a window with it, and sailed down to the ground on some thread. He hasn't been seen since. Perhaps we shall see him in book two...