The Narrator walks onto a dark stage in Jane Austen get up while carrying a stack of her books. He/she sits on a lit chair and opens a copy of Sense and Sensibility.

NARRATOR: (To the audience in a refined voice.) Good day. Today, we are going to tell a story of a woman, a woman of sense, a woman of love, and a woman of resolution. She was named Elinor Dashwood.

(The stage lights up and shows Elinor and Marianne sitting with Mrs. Dashwood on a couch.)

The Dashwoods were mourning the loss of the much beloved sire of the household.

MARIANNE: Oh, mother, dearest! How ever shall we get on without father? (She collapses into tears over the couch arm and holding a handkerchief to her face.) We shall die of sorrow before a fortnight has ended!

ELINOR: We are more likely to die of poverty, Marianne, than sorrow, considering that our brother has only left us five hundred pounds a year.

MARIANNE: Oh, Elinor! How could you even dwell upon things like our weight when we are still mourning?

ELINOR: (Sighing.) Because, Marianne, dearest, mourning people enjoy eating food and living in cottages just as much as joyful ones.

MARIANNE: Ugh. Well, with that much weight we won't be starving anytime soon...

(Standing and walking to a window.)

Ever since we've moved into this dreadful cottage, there has been nothing to do except visit those odious Middletons. I would rather hurt something than go visit one of them again.

(Brightening a little.)

Mother, I want to take a walk, the weather is fair.

MRS. DASHWOOD: That is fine, Marianne.

NARRATOR: And so Marianne went out

(Marianne puts on a bonnet and walks offstage in front of the audience.)

And as she thoroughly wished when she was looking out the window, she quite violently broke her ankle.

(Marianne collapses dramatically.)

MARIANNE: I didn't mean it! I promise! It was said in a passion, in a fever!

NARRATOR: Fortunately, heaven had mercy and sent her an angel with bright eye and a suspicious, dark aura...

(Mr. Willouby jumps onstage and runs over to Marianne.)

MR. WILLOUGHBY: Hello, I'm that drop dead gorgeous guy that lives in every eighteenth century teenage girl's novel! I'm adventurous! I'm hot. And...

(Lifts Marianne.)

MR. WILLOUGHBY: I starred in Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White and Rapunzel as Prince Charming.

(He carries her to the couch.)

MARIANNE: Mama, I think I'm in love.

ELINOR: That's probably hormones.

MRS. DASHWOOD: Love... Ah! That reminds me of... your father.

(Burst into tears. Elinor gets up.)

ELINOR: I need some fresh air.

(She gets up and walks outside her house. Lucy Steele comes onstage.)

LUCY: Hello, Elinor! How are you? Guess what, I have some exciting news!

ELINOR: Really? I don't know how much excitement I can take, Miss Lucy, perhaps-

LUCY: No, you absolutely need to hear it. You know how Mr. Edward Ferras is rich?

ELINOR: ...Yes.

LUCY: And you know how he's single?

ELINOR: Yes.

LUCY: And you know how extraordinarily handsome he is?

ELINOR: Um...

LUCY: We're engaged.

ELINOR: Oh...

LUCY: Unlike you. Bless your heart, but I'm sure you are aware that you'll become a prune skinned bat by next summer. I feel sorry for you, really I do. But please don't let my joys ruin your depressing days of old maidness. Ta ta, Elly!

(She exits. Skipping is highly recommended.)

ELINOR: (Gives a deep sigh. Silence.) Well that was my bit of emotion for today. I wonder how Marianne is doin-

MARIANNE: (Running outside and sobbing) Elinor! My sister! Oooooh! Hold me! No don't touch me! No hold me!

(She hugs Elinor. Continues crying.)

He's leaving!

ELINOR: There, there, Marianne. Who is leaving you?

MARIANNE: Willouby is leaving meeeeeeee. Why? Now all I'll have to do is listen to other people whine, and I hate whining and crying! It's so annoying!

ELINOR: You'll live, Marianne. You'll live.

(Mrs. Jennings enters.)

MRS. JENNINGS: Oh, by the by, sweethearts, I heard that Mr. Willouby is marrying a girl with skin of gold, looks like a real snake, she does! Ah, well. Too bad so sad for all the single girls I heard he's been seducing from Ireland to Korea.

(She exits.)

MARIANNE: Oh! I shall die! I shall die!

(She wanders in front of the audience and faints.)

ELINOR: Please don't tell me she actually died. The muscle pull was cruel enough. (Colonel Brandon enters.)

COLONEL BRANDON: I say, I know I'm unattractive, but please don't tell me I caused the death of that young lady over there just by showing my horrifying face.

ELINOR: No, Colonel. She's just a little down about something.

COLONEL BRANDON: (Walks down to Marianne and kneels as if he will lift her.) Why don't I assist the poor maide-

MARIANNE: (Suddenly bounding up.) Suddenly I feel so much better!

COLONEL BRANDON: I'm glad, madam.

MARIANNE: From now on I'm going kill every emotion that ever entered my soul and marry an old, rich man.

(Looks at Colonel Brandon.)

Will you do me the honors?

COLONEL BRANDON: Yes, I shall, as long as you can have children and look attractive for a full week after we're married.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Elinor was starting to feel like a pruned skinned old maid.

ELINOR: I... I... I don't feel anything. I know I don't. I...

MR. FERRAS: (Running onstage.) Elinor! Guess what?

ELINOR: What, Mr. Ferras?

MR. FERRAS: Lucy got run over by a carriage when I accidentally shoved her into the road. Now only my brother will have her, and I'm single again. My mum also drowned in the Atlantic last week, leaving me free to marry who I choose. Will you do me the honors?

ELINOR: (Slowly and calmly.) All I can say is...

(Jumping and screaming, whistles at first if she can.)

Yippee! Take that Lucy Steele! Who's a pruined skinned old maid now? Huh? Huh?

NARRATOR: So Elinor married Mr. Edward Ferras and had thirteen children, all who never cried in their entire infancy, and Colonel Brandon and Marianne shook the Bath world with a wardrobe that the Willoughby's wished they could have. The end.

(The stage darkens.)