(Diana and Mary are sitting quietly, sewing, and smiling. They are in their house.)

MARY: Lovely evening sister Diana.

DIANA: Indeed, sister Mary.

MARY: Be a shame if it rained tonight.

DIANA: Yes it wold.

(Jane Eyre enters crawling.)

JANE: I have traveled, (Gasps) miles upon miles, over land and sea, through forest and desert, to-

OFFSTAGE: You literally took a carriage a few miles away.

JANE: Shut up! I was giving a dramatic monologue. And it was fun! (Sniffs.) And now I'm hungry, so hungry. (Curls up in front of Mary and Diana's house's door.) I think I could die. Or just stare at them through their front door window.

(Long silence.)

DIANE: Lovely evening-

JANE: Will someone pay attention to me!

(John enters.)

JOHN: I suppose I'll do if you'll pay me back someday somehow.

JANE: Fair deal.

JOHN: Sisters, I found a dying person outside our door, staring at you, and you didn't even notice. I feel like a stalker could get you if things continue like this.

MARY: Oh. I just didn't notice.

JOHN: That's the point! Anyway, this is... what did you say your name was?

JANE: ... Mary. Mary Sue.

MARY: Oh, that's similar to my name.

JANE: But nobody cares.

JOHN: I do.

JANE: You do?

JOHN: Yes, because you... are lying.

(Dun dun dun plays offstage.)

JANE: Whaaaaat. Me? Never.

JOHN: Your real name is Jane Eyre, and you are the niece of the slightly emotionally abusive woman, but more importantly, the beloved niece of the very rich man. And he has just died and left you an enormous fortune.

JANE: WHAT????

JOHN: Oh yes. You are fabulously rich and all of the relatives who hated you died or are now terribly unimportant.

JANE: Yes!

JOHN: It turns out, we are all long lost cousins who want to treat you well and become the family you never had.

JANE: This is too good to be true!

JOHN: There is only one thing left you need.

JANE: And that would be?

JOHN: A mate. A man to stand by your side is necessary for any female protagonist. 

JANE: True. It is the only thing I lack... To be honest, I would be married right now if it weren't for a... certain someone being all kinds of jerk.

JOHN: Have you ever considered that there might be... other options.

JANE: What? Oh, I never did think of that. I went straight out of an all girls school so I just assumed he was the only man on earth that was smart and well traveled and drop dead gorgeous...

JOHN: And more than years older than you.

JANE: Try twenty.

JOHN: Jane, dearest, have you ever considered maybe... me?

JANE: I've known you literally for maybe thirty seconds.

JOHN: Actually, it's been six months. (Takes mini calendar out of back pocket and shows her.)

JANE: Oh my word! That was fast.

JOHN: Just a few short chapters, I know, but Jane, we were truly meant to be. Come, marry me and we shall sail to India and reach them with the Gospel. If you don't, God will be angry and judge you for all eternity with the flames of torment.

JANE: I'm Baptist, so, that's not really how I groove.

JOHN: God shall judge you as long as you are on earth.

JANE: I can live with that.

JOHN: Seriously?

JANE: Well, I did do some good. I didn't commit adultery.

JOHN: Well, congrats. I'm pretty sure Hitler didn't either and look what happened to him.

DIANE: Why do these religious and political things always have to go back to Hitler?

JOHN: That's not the point. The point is that I know God's will for you, and His will is that you marry me and come with me to India. And bring that fabulously big fortune with you.

JANE: Yeah, I don't think so. You know, on second thought, I'll crawl back to Mr. Rochester's house. (Starts to crawl offstage. Gets up.) Actually, I think I'll just take a carriage again.

(DIANE, MARY, and JOHN exit. Jane stands up.)

JANE: To be honest, I do feel God's call. And not surprisingly, it is to do exactly what I want to do. Go back to Mr. Rochester.*

OFFSTAGE: *Disclaimer, sometimes God actually call us to do exactly what we want to do.

JANE: So I shall return to him and see how he is doing.

(Mr. Rochester is pushed onstage by MRS FAIRFAX. He is bruised and has a blindfold on.)

JANE: Mr. Rochester! What has happened to you!

MR. ROCHESTER: Who's there? I recognize that voice.

JANE: It's me!

MR. ROCHESTER: Who's me?

JANE: You don't know this is?

MR. ROCHESTER: Susan? No, Emma, no, no Mrs. Fairfax. Wait-

(She slaps him.)

MR. ROCHESTER: I know that slap anywhere! That's Jane Eyre!

JANE: What happened?

MR. ROCHESTER: My wife burned my house down. I now have nothing, not my house, my wife, my riches, my eye sight, even my good looks.

JANE: All that?

MR. ROCHESTER: And more... Oh well, at least I still have my personality.

JANE: ... Oh John~!

(Runs offstage.)

MRS. FAIRFAX: It's ok, Mr. Rochester, I've seen this kind of thing before.

MR. ROCHESTER: Really?

MRS. FAIRFAX? (MAYBE?): (Starts to wheel him offstage.) Yes, did I ever tell you about my time working for a Mr. Heathcliff? I went by my first name then...

(Stage darkens as they exit.)